“You and me

Meant to be

Immutable

Impossible

It’s destiny

Pure lunacy

Incalculable

Inseparable.”

“Stand Inside Your Love” ~ The Smashing Pumpkins

What Anya revealed to me should not have yielded a surprise, yet it did. At this point I thought I would be prepared for anything, but I still felt less than half a man everytime she gave me heart wrenching news. I didn’t understand how going skiing because “the kids like to ski” turned into a birthday bash. What bothered me was it seemed like her life went on without missing a beat while mine completely disappeared. Here I was, in this relationship because I trusted her pain, her words, and her actions but now, even after I was asked in no uncertain terms to fight for her, only to be led down the path of being labeled as a homewrecker and heart breaker of her children. Not labeled as the man who saved their mother from sadness and despair, but the man who wanted to destroy their family. The more I thought this way, the more I seethed. All I had endured for her, from Spain, to Valentine’s Day, to neighbor parties, to Bunco, to birthday parties only Lance would be accepted at, to spills, to holiday parties to skiing trips as I feared what else lied on the horizon to brutalize a heart that longed for her. Maybe this trip was planned by Jackson and it’s only purpose was to break me down, and break us apart? When I thought of that possibility, I turned back the tide of pessimism, but I couldn’t deny the enormous emptiness I felt. Unable to move from my own bed, and unmotivated to feel life as I put on a façade of my own to hide this blistering storm of agony inside. Yet, I still searched for a reason to understand the reason for the pain I felt.

ME: “I love you. What do you do at night there?”

ANYA: “Not much.”

ME: “That doesn’t sound good for my heart.”

Her “not much” response was vague compared to my question about what she did at night there, and with no specific answer to provide, it seemed she hid what she did at night from me. This no longer seemed like just a kid’s skiing trip but one in which her and Jackson could spend some time together, and as the possible scenes played in my head, I couldn’t understand to save my own life, how should look at him with a straight face knowing all we’ve shared.

ANYA: “I have my nephew with me. Can’t do too much.”

ME: “Ok.”

Why didn’t she tell me her nephew was there when I first posed the question? What would she do if her nephew wasn’t around? Her response failed to come back quickly enough as it led me to wonder if perhaps Carolyn coached her through “what do I tell him?”.

As I laid paralyzed in bed, unable to move, gripped by the façade and all of the untold variables of her marriage, it led me to wonder if I were to witness her evenings on this “ski trip for the kids”, would I be hurt? But was it truly a question of would, but rather how badly I would be? I faced the coldest of all realities alone as she hoped, wished and dreamed in a manner I which could never have foreseen. Later that evening, as I toiled in desperate despair, she texted me.

ANYA: “It’s tough. U haven’t left my mind.”

Was it tough for her because she missed me, or tough for her because she worried about me because of the unknown only she knew of? Was it tough for her because she wanted to run to me, or tough for her because she fought from running away from me?

ME: “U haven’t left my mind too.”

ANYA: “Btw I thought of the age thing and I give u 5 more years!”

ME: “I don’t understand. Where r u going with this?”

Suddenly it appeared my age was an issue. I was only three years younger than Anya and every girlfriend I had was either my age or older than me. She married a man eleven years older than her, an entire generation older than her, so what did my age, only a three year difference, have to do with anything?

ANYA: “The book! Jacob and Bella give each other years or take away years depending on their maturity level. I love you!”

ME: “Oh! I love you too!”

She meant it as a compliment, but I couldn’t help but feel the fool as it sounded like something was going down I’d be upset about. What would she think of me if I told her how this trip made me feel? Would I then be viewed as immature? I understood her kids were there. She told me about the trip but its duration she hid from me and that had to be the reason why she gave me five years. I didn’t want to give her grief over it no matter how much pain her clandestine news brought me, and if I cracked, it would screw her up around her kids, and ultimately, I would feel worse than I did, so I swallowed the agony for her happiness.

When I didn’t hear back from her for the rest of the evening, my mind wandered without aim as I took the two Vicodin pills I took from my mother to subdue the torturous thoughts. As I wallowed in self pity, I couldn’t believe I had fallen in love with someone yet again who didn’t know. It felt different with Anya than it did with Denise, but it also felt the same it had in the past especially on a lonely hopeless night like this. I felt caught in between a hope and hopelessness as I self destructed mentally. A mess only a drug could help alleviate as I absorbed the true essence of despair. In the middle of this mental chaos, I felt after all we shared I should have been no longer made to understand her position. Not after the way she chose to love me. Not after all the things she told me about Jackson, she knew would only encourage me to be here. Love wasn’t a one way street and she needed to understand my position too. One that would never exist if she didn’t make me aware of Jackson’s multiple gross infidelities. The kind of infidelities that were not only intended to destroy a marriage, but also the hope of the soul. An innocent ski trip for the kids that corruptly turned into a birthday and new year’s celebration should have never manifested itself, and could only be viewed as an attempt to destroy the hope in my soul. But then again, maybe Jackson planned it this way, and my past painted a picture of Anya that was unfair. When the opiate’s euphoric effect began to kick in forty five minutes later, I began to fade into tomorrow; and into an entirely new day of mental anguish.

The emptiness consumed me for the entire next day as I again laid paralyzed in my bed, unable to move, as I could only think of the wide schism between our days. One in which her life carried on without missing a beat, while mine deteriorated into nothingness. I didn’t root for her days not to miss a beat, I just couldn’t believe mine had morphed into such despair. How fair was this? That I went all in, after she asked me to, and trusted in her pain? In her unhappiness? A torment all her own? I only wanted to see her in a better place in life, and this was my reward? To take on her pain while she lived happily without me? To be pitted against kids, kids she shared the details of her daily life with me, who had no idea what she went through so she could go skiing with them every year? She knew the kids were the reason she was still married to Jackson from the very beginning yet she still allowed and encouraged me to feel this deeply for her? Didn’t that alone tell her she wasn’t well? How could her lack of wellness not be reflected upon her kids? Was money the main factor in her decision to stay and the judgment of others because of Jackson’s wealth? That in essence with me she pursued a downgrade? That’s how her silence and her skiing slash birthday slash New Year’s Eve extravaganza left me to feel. The fact her birthday fell on basically the biggest party day of the year brought an emotional discomfort all its own. What usually happened on her birthday since there was a reason to party each time she turned a year older? Did she usually get drunk and have sex with her husband? As if he never cheated on her a day in his life? This trip now forced me into an apocalypse all my own. I had to know the truth behind all of this. I had to know the truth as to why I was allowed and encouraged not only to be in her life, but to feel all I did. To share and know herself as intimately as I did. Why tell me all these things that brought me here to only leave me in a state of sadness? Why share all these things that kept me here to only endure such emptiness and sorrow, I couldn’t even move out of bed. She was afraid she would hurt me with her holiday plans? How could she say such a thing yet still make them if she was so afraid the man she loved would be hurt by them? I wasn’t only hurt by her holiday plans but completely annihilated by them emotionally as I felt victimized the empathetic ways of my heart. As much as she feared her holiday plans would hurt me, she carried on with them anyway, and even threw a birthday party in there for good measure. After all the sacrifices I made for her happiness, I don’t know what I did to deserve this from her. And to say, as I lied paralyzed in bed, that I was devastated by her birthday weekend would be the greatest understatement I could ever make.

Later that afternoon, at about twenty after three, as I tore myself apart from the inside out, she sent me a text.

ANYA: “Thinking of you.”

After time spent with her family and friends, as if Jackson had never hurt her a day in his life, her usually thoughtful text felt of very little value. I then responded in kind as I found it selfish of me to ruin a good time she shared with her kids. When she was away from them, away from Jackson, away from her friends, I could talk with her then about all I felt.

ME: “Thinking of you too.”

ANYA: “How r u?”

Little did she know her simple “how r u” text was a dangerous one to send me because I hated to act dishonestly. How else could I be feeling though? She knew how much I loved her. If she was afraid to hurt me with her holiday plans why bother even asking? The truth was it didn’t matter to her how I felt. She was going to do the things she wanted to do regardless. How was she supposed to tell the kids she couldn’t go skiing with them anymore? How dare I put her in such a predicament! My feelings wouldn’t stop that and I wouldn’t want them to.

ME: “I’m ok. How r u?”

ANYA: “Just ok. Trying to hang in there.”

Anya cared. I know she did, but after all I felt on this trip, as I laid in bed unable to get out of it and embrace life, her words were empty as all I felt inside. I wanted to be noble though. I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing I became co-dependent because I trusted her feelings for me. Her only solution to the problem, it seemed, was not giving me any sort of promise, but by breaking up with me as if it was a mutual decision because of my pain. That wasn’t loving someone though after all she allowed and encouraged me to feel. If she couldn’t understand that much, she didn’t understand love much. And if she somehow searched for a way out, another excuse to continue not to know if I complained about her skiing trip, she wasn’t getting it from me. I remembered San Diego, and I didn’t want to revisit it again.

ME: “I hope you’re not worried about me. I want you to have a good time. I know it’s hard babe. I imagine what it must be like to kiss you on New Year’s at midnight. I think that’s what the hardest thing is for me. Every time my lips have met yours, it’s been the best. Idk if New Years could feel any better. It’s hard to believe it actually could feel better, but I know it would because of the meaning behind it. This trip is important for you to have and enjoy with your kids babe and not spent worrying about me. Just know I miss you and I love you and I know you feel the same way about me. I’m fine just knowing that. I love you.”

Although this text was inconsistent with all I felt at the time, at the same time it made me feel good to tell her these things, because I truly felt this way as well. I thought of Katie and Andrew too, and thought this benefited them so their mother was not distracted worrying about me. As much as I felt this was unfair to a heart that only yearned to be with her, I also found it unfair to Anya if she worried about me and couldn’t enjoy herself making memories with Katie and Andrew. Even as the pain I felt was so undeniable, I couldn’t deny them their mother’s attention. I had to also be aware that seeing what laid under the festive Christmas façade my mother wore, took a toll as well and may have added to my negative emotions. I felt Anya was the only good and decent thing I had left in this world, and the fear of losing her made it worse than death itself.

ANYA: “I love you. Thx for understanding.”

ME: “I love you too. Always.”

Even in the midst of such great anxiety, I always tried to at least understand. I loved her. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to understand her and that brought forth my positive communication with her. As much as I struggled, I didn’t want her to feel what I did, but the time approached enough for me to know I didn’t struggle for nothing. A little later that evening, at around nine p.m. she texted me.

ANYA: “Have a goodnight babe! I so miss u! I love u!”

I felt good after I received her text as miraculously, I got out of bed long enough to grab dinner and read some of “New Moon” before I escaped into dreams.

The next day I decided to go into the office to get some work done before the craziness of busy season fell upon me. I had the office to myself as everyone seemed to take advantage of the firm’s two week holiday given to its employees before the beginning of busy season when we all worked long days that began dark and ended the same. Later that afternoon, Anya sent me a text.

ANYA: “I don’t remember. Do you ski?”

ME: “I’ve snowboarded before but have never done any skiing.”

ANYA: “Did u like it? Andrew loves snowboarding! Andrew told me he will never ski again. He’s hooked!”

ME: “Well, I spent a lot of time stuck in the snow on my back! Haha! People were doing tricks over me while I laid there exhausted trying to drag myself back up! I did enjoy it though when I started to pick it up better.”

ANYA: “Haha! Would you go back there?”

ME: “Of course! Been wanting to go back for a long time! I want to redeem myself!”

ANYA: “Sounds fun! I’m dreaming.”

ME: “Ha! Don’t get me started!”

ANYA: “So many places we could explore!”

ME: “Even exploring the garden at my apartment complex would be fun with you.”

ANYA: “Awww babe.”

ME: “I think about exploring places with you all the time.”

ANYA: “Would be so great.”

ME: “Would be so right for two people in love.”

ANYA: “It would be babe.”

Anya’s thoughtful texts added to the positive feelings I experienced about us as she appeared to realize she could still go skiing with the kids even without Jackson. It warmed my heart to feel she didn’t pit them against me, as she realized they could even go snowboarding with me too.

I didn’t hear back from Anya for the rest of the day, and it bummed me out after a respite from my sadness. I decided to upload some songs from iTunes to the iPod she gave me for Christmas, and I stumbled upon an old Olivia Newton John song I hadn’t heard in years called “Magic”. I decided to listen to the lyrics, something I never did in the eighties when these songs came out. The words of the song “Magic” blew me away as they seemed to capture some thoughts of mine, and how the power to know was all in Anya’s hands. All she had to do was listen and trust herself, like she did the night she approached me almost eighteen months ago. As the last day of the year approached, I wanted to be the first person to wish her a happy birthday, like I did last year, but I also couldn’t help but realize how I wouldn’t be able to stomach another New Year’s Eve apart from her. My heart would never be able to endure another New Year’s Eve like this one, and without knowing what the unknown variables truly were. I had to find a way to subtly nudge her into listening to herself so I enlisted the help of something I knew she loved too; music, particularly Olivia Newton-John. Through another one of those songs that had zero meaning to me when it came out over two decades ago, but meant everything today. Without revealing the name of the song or the artist, I began to text her the lyrics to “Magic” at midnight. She might not have loved her birthday, but her birth day represented a great day in my life.

ME: “I was playing around loading songs on my iPod and came across this one I hadn’t heard in decades. Do you know the title of the song and who sings it?. Here are the lyrics.”

“Come take my hand.

You should know me.

I’ve always been in your mind.

You know I will be kind.

I’ll be guiding you.

Building your dream…

has to start now.

There’s no other road to take.

You won’t make a mistake.

I’ll be guiding you.

You have to believe we are magic.

Nothin’ can stand in our way.

You have to believe we are magic.

Don’t let your aim ever stray.

And if all your hopes survive.

Your destiny will arrive.

I’ll bring all your dreams alive.

For you.

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

From where I stand…

You are home free.

The planets align so rare.

There’s promise in the air.

I’ll be guiding you.

Through every turn…

I’ll be near you.

I’ll come anytime you call.

I’ll catch you if you fall.

I’ll be guiding you.

You have to believe we are magic.

Nothin’ can stand in our way.

You have to believe we are magic.

Don’t let your aim ever stray.

And if all your hopes survive.

Your destiny will arrive.

I’ll bring all your dreams alive.

For you.”

ME: “And although you don’t love your birthday much, I do love it very much because even though I didn’t know you at the time, it turned out to be a very special day in my life. I’ll be missing your kiss tomorrow night but I’ll be dreaming about it too. Happy birthday, Beautiful.”

As I wrote down the lyrics to send to her, I couldn’t believe how it encapsulated all I felt about Anya’s situation, as if Olivia Newton John was in the same boat we were in. If I could thank Olivia Newton John for her song, I would have simply because it inspired me to endure my heart ache and to try and see the big picture in play and not the short-term pain I felt. I knew the next day was going to be the hardest one, but if I could get through that, I believed in the magic of the new year. Although two thousand and eight was arguably one of the best years of my life, I couldn’t wait for the time to pass, to bring us closer to the magic of the truth that we were made for each other.

The next morning, bright and early, Anya let me know she received my text.

ANYA: “Thank u for remembering my Bday. You were the first to wish me a happy Bday like last year! Give me a hint on the song and artist. Hard for me w/o the tune.”

ME: “The artist starred in the movie “Grease” and the name of the song is what a person who performs illusions does, like pulling a rabbit out of a hat. How r u?”

ANYA: “I’m good. How r u?”

ME: “R u really good? Are you just telling me that?”

ANYA: “No, but trying.”

ME: “I want you to be happy, babe. It’s your birthday!”

ANYA: “I was happy when I turned on my fone to your texts.”

ME: “I’m glad that made you happy babe. Any guesses?”

ANYA: “I still don’t know. I’m sorry.”

ME: “It’s “Magic” by Olivia Newton John. I stumbled upon it last night. Haven’t heard it in years. It’s a good upbeat song. I miss you.”

ANYA: “I can’t wait to listen to it! Been a long time! I miss you too. Btw, the only ones I’ll be kissing at midnight are my kids and you in my dreams.”

ME: “Really?”

ANYA: “I promise babe.”

Although very sweet and well intentioned, her promise confused me. She told me she never kissed him to begin with, one of the reasons I chose to be in her life. So, she basically relayed information that didn’t trouble me…until now. There was actually a possibility on this trip she would kiss him on New Year’s? Not only that, Carolyn was with them and knew everything. Although I never discussed it with Anya until the night I witnessed it, Carolyn was living a lie all her own as well. I guess they would kiss their husbands at midnight for the sake of the kids, but didn’t it still make them frauds? Her promise was considerate though, but it surprised me to learn there was a chance she could kiss him at midnight. If anything she told me about him was true, even if I wasn’t in her life, I couldn’t understand how she still could kiss him even for the sake of the kids.

Later that afternoon I began to get a headache, but I didn’t plan to do anything on New Year’s eve since it fell on a Wednesday. The only time I celebrated New Year’s was with friends to bring in the year two thousand and when I had a girlfriend, Sara, nineteen years ago in nineteen ninety. Later that afternoon I texted Anya to let her know I planned to stay home on New Year’s Eve and that I had a headache.

ANYA: “I’m sorry babe. Did u take something?”

ME: “I took some Excedrin hoping to knock it out.”

ANYA: “Did u take 3 or 4? Is it me?”

The emotional turmoil I experienced because of her extended trip undeniably took a toll on me from a physiological stand point, but I refused to break.

ME: “I just took 2. Of course I miss you, Anya. I’ve spent the best year of my life with you. The love I feel for you is greater than me. I have no control over my feelings or my emotions. I don’t want to be around people being a stick in the mud and I don’t want them to see me get away just so I can be alone with you on my mind. I can’t pretend. I won’t and I shouldn’t have to. It’s just a Wednesday night anyway.”

After I sent this text to her, I never heard back. My message was simply my life was no longer the same. Now, i’m affected by the things she did and there’s only one person I wanted to spend New Year’s Eve with; the person I dearly loved. I wasn’t built to pretend, and I refused to fake a good time if I went out. The Landyn Lastman before Anya died in a fiery crash and reborn into non-existence. My love for her was no joke. I couldn’t put her in my back pocket and carry on as if she didn’t exist. My love and emotions were real, and real love and emotions didn’t work like that anyway. I could lie to everyone in the world I wanted to, and most would believe it, but I also knew the greatest truth in this world; that I could never lie to myself.

Anya became my weather as she affected the climate of my world on a daily basis. She brought the sun, moon and clouds to life. The choices she made, and even her indecisions, determined if I would stay inside from the rain, unable to move out of bed, or if I would feel warm enough to put on a pair of shorts, a t-shirt and embrace the sun. I knew why Anya had to do what she did. I understood it was for her children. And I didn’t want her to feel anything I did because of that. I just wanted her to be as genuine as possible about her feelings. Why she allowed and encouraged me to be this close to her and when she couldn’t do that, I crumbled inside.

I texted her later to let her know I felt better and wished her a happy new year, not because I felt any better but because I feared she might not be enjoying her birthday worried about me. If she thought I could go out and have a blast on New Year’s after all this love I felt with her, she was crazy for thinking so. At the same time, I didn’t want to ruin her night or day, a fine line I maddeningly straddled as a typhoon of emotions swept over me.

ANYA: “Thank you. Glad you’re feeling better. You have a happy new year too. I love you.”

After I read her text, I tucked my phone away and prepared myself for one of the roughest evenings of my life. In the mood for self torment, I got on my computer and googled “Jackson Caiaphas” to read through some of his latest news. It talked about his company’s recent move into new corporate headquarters. I clicked another link and learned he recently announced his decision to run for a seat on the House of Representatives along with quotes from some prominent business people and even some notable celebrities who supported his run. It further stated he planned to host a fundraising dinner for his campaign on a date “soon to be determined”. I then went to his Company website and saw the picture of him and Anya he had added to their homepage, one he obviously posted to send a message to the man who truly loved her. I delved into a few links on the page and saw new commercial buildings he planned to build or purchase in the upcoming years along with his current portfolio. With a property portfolio that neared a hundred million dollars, I couldn’t help but take inventory of my own portfolio that consisted of a recliner, a couch, and a bedroom set. All that fell way short of the twenty-eight foot island in his kitchen.

That entire night for me went downhill from there emotionally. A property portfolio of a hundred million dollars had to be the reason behind Anya’s decision to stay and why she still didn’t know. Why her friends would think she was crazy if she left him to be with me, and my one bedroom apartment. Why her image mattered to her so much. When I thought of all these things, all these things she knew from the start of our relationship, things I knew nothing about, it upset me to know she allowed and encouraged me to fall deeply in love with her. For the first time I vividly pictured what her home must look like and what her cabin probably looked like on the family ski trip. The more she didn’t know, the more I felt she knew from the very beginning what I faced, and that her indecision should be expected by me even as I learned these things thirteen months later. I wanted to trust her promise that she wouldn’t kiss Jackson. I wanted to believe it, but it lacked transparency as I felt paralyzed by the greatest despair as I learned further details of what I was up against, and what truly kept her in that state of indecision.

At midnight I wanted to text her but I found it wrong to do as I didn’t want to impose on her New Year’s eve celebration. The scene I pictured just made me want to close my eyes and fade into darkness as I never felt so empty on a night most people didn’t.

At exactly midnight though, Anya reached out to touch me.

ANYA: “Happy New Year! I love you forever! I kept my promise!”

Her midnight text seemed to show an allegiance to me, regardless of all he offered and all she had. If she texted me a minute after midnight there would be less transparency, but the fact she did at exactly midnight showed me her promise was real, genuine, and one kept. On a night I felt on my death bed, her promise kept brought me the breath of life I desperately needed to survive. Consistent with her texts about all the places we could explore together, with even her kids a part of them. Her text prompted me to thank someone I didn’t even believe in.

ME: “Thank you God.”

ANYA: “Awww babe.”

How beautiful New Years could have been with her in my arms, but if I couldn’t have that, this would be the next best thing. For her to shun Jackson, a trip he probably planned in order to destroy us, backfired on him. Her midnight text, and promise, was a statement, one of defiance no matter what she knew, and I fell deeper in love. That she not only stood up to the bully, but did it with authenticity, the thing I needed to believe and trust in as much as her love for me.

The new year had to bring big changes as her promise represented the promise of a new dawn in our relationship, one ensconced in total truth. No more deception. No more lies. Just truth and belief in us, all that love required to exist. On New Year’s Day, I felt full of hope as I beamed with pride for Anya, that she chose a crossroad that led to our love; so excited to tell me she kept her promise. It’s all my heart needed. Actions and not just words. A verb before the noun. And it meant everything as it resuscitated my hopeful thinking.

When I didn’t hear from Anya for the entire New Year’s Day, I felt a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, as it wasn’t until twenty six minutes past seven that evening until I heard from her.

ANYA: “Hi! Just made it back! A little sore. A snowboarder crashed into me on top of the mountain today. Hit me pretty good. I’m ok though. Going back to running in the a.m.”

ME: “Oh wow! Sorry to hear that! I’m glad you’re okay. How was your new year’s eve?”

ANYA: “It was ok. Yours?”

ME: “It was hard. I missed you like never before. Did you have any problems?”

ANYA: “It was hard for me too. I saw couples kissing on TV and I was envious. I missed u very much.”

ME: “I just tried not to think too much about it, but how could I not?”

ANYA: “I know babe. All over. Turning in. Dead tired. Goodnight babe.”

ME: “Glad you’re back home. Goodnight sweetheart.”

I couldn’t have been more relieved to have her home as our relationship survived all of the holiday plans she made as I learned one truth. I could never stomach another holiday season. There were one of two things that just had to happen now. She had to at least make me a promise, and if she couldn’t do that, I needed to know the real reason behind her indecision after she asked me to fight for her. After all we shared, I couldn’t go silently. Her marriage would be drawn under an umbrella of truth and no longer under a cloud of deception. How that would go down without her kids finding out, I had no clue, but I had to figure it out. I had to figure how this would stay between Anya, Jackson and I. If he truly knew who I was, I refused to run, cower or hide from him. Not that I wanted a physical confrontation, but rather a discussion on the truth about love and marriage. The real reason I existed in their lives. Not to hurt anyone, but to make things right, the way the Universe wanted it now. I wasn’t the right man for this type of relationship, but if the wrong man found himself here, it was for the right reason. I didn’t jump into this. I waited. I listened. I trusted. If I had known her indecision would make its mark thirteen months in, I would have never attempted to save her. I trusted everything Anya told me about her unhappiness was true. It’s how I built my case against Jackson’s gross acts of emotional and mental abuse. He didn’t have to raise his hand to scar her for life, all he had to do was scar her mind. And although Anya dated another man briefly before me, I couldn’t believe Anya was this type of person either. When she couldn’t help herself from seeing me, then I didn’t need any more evidence to know the emotional abuse levied upon her by the man she should have been able to trust the most, her own husband. Here I was now, a long way away from home, but now up against a wall. My life was either going to skyrocket or going to sink forever. With all that on the line personally, there was no way I could give up on the love of a lifetime.

The next day, Anya and I planned to see the movie “Twilight” together. A plan we made before her ski trip. I had a lot on my mind this day as our meetings now could go either way. I felt pressure from my negative emotions, but I knew when she was in my eyes, the world spun right again, and I could forget the emptiness that consumed me when we were apart. The day started simple enough. We met each other for tea. I got to see and kiss her again. I held her hand. I felt her body against mine as we both wanted to be naked with each other. Then we went to see the movie “Twilight” and were joined by Carolyn and Debbie, as again I had to sit apart from her; further than before.

She sat in her seat in the dark theater while we watched a story told we both knew well, but as I sat there, I felt so alone. Like I was the worst thing in her life; like a disease. As if this was arranged only to appease me. I didn’t feel the same love I felt from her when we saw “Nights in Rodanthe” like when she handed me a heart she scribbled on a Post It note. I reasoned maybe she told Carolyn and Debbie we were broken up, and that’s why she acted differently, but I felt like a pawn on a chess board as I sat there with the hope she would cave in to come sit next to me, and put her hand in mine, but she never came.

When the movie ended, a movie with so many scenes that captured our love over the last thirteen months, she just got inside her car and drove off as if I wasn’t even there. She then texted me to call her, and I did, to let me know she planned to go to a local bar with Carolyn and Debbie for a drink before she headed home. An invite did not come my way as well as she told me she needed to be home in forty minutes because Katie waited for her. Three hours later though, I received a text from her to tell me she was just leaving the bar and to call her because she only had eight minutes for me before she got home.

I suddenly learned these kids she pitted against me, could be independent of her when she got a chance to hang with her friends. I reeled from the fact after such a romantic movie, she never came into my car to steal a kiss like she used to. She just disappeared with her friends while her “best friend” sat alone with hope in a heart that bled. When I called her, we talked about the movie, how she liked the part when both Edward and Bella laid in bed together after he decided he was afraid he may lose control and hurt her. When Anya recalled this part of the movie, it did remind me of my emotions, how they felt out of my control at times, yet I fought them back like Edward did, afraid to share them because I was afraid to hurt her. Anya also loved the part when Bella wanted to be a vampire, similar to wanting to be free from the world she knew, much like Anya’s situation which made me feel a little better. Tears began to fall from my eyes when she told me that as it meant that much after all the negative thoughts I felt after and during the movie. If Bella became a vampire, she would be with Edward forever. And in the same sense, I wanted the same from Anya, for her to become a vampire by choosing love over a fake life.

Instead of going home to be depressed, I decided to visit my parent’s house. As always, my mom was home, and my father was at the park. My mom greeted me with a towel wrapped around her head an act she put on for me as if she just took a shower. She smiled her usual smile at me completely oblivious to the sad fact I knew her secret. Much like I knew when she had gotten me the electric football game for Christmas when I was a kid. I sat there in earnest for her to tell me about her hair loss, but she never did as she opted to paint a garden portrait with the running crystal blue stream with artful strokes of silence and good fortune. How the chemotherapy was working and how she believed her cancer was in full remission. All that never came from her Oncologist, but rather all to put my mind at ease. Once I gave her such the accomplishment, she opened a floodgate and asked me about Anya.

“She just returned home from a ski trip with the kids and her husband.” I reluctantly revealed. “They went with family friends too, though.”

“How did you feel about it?” she asked.

“To be honest, I had the toughest time with it.” I said. “I didn’t give her grief over it, but it was hard.”

“Did you do anything on New Year’s eve?”

“No. I stayed home.”

“You what? You did? Really?”

“Yep.”

“Don’t you always go out on New Year’s.”

“I hadn’t been out on New Year’s eve in years, Mom.” I said. “I can’t remember the last time so it was no big deal. I just felt lonelier than usual.”

“What was on your mind?”

“What she was doing. Mostly if she was doing anything with her husband that would hurt me if I knew.” I said.

“They can’t do much, Landy.”

“What do you mean they can’t do much?”

“They have kids, Honey. Teenagers.” she said. “When your kids are at that age, it’s hard to do much of anything anymore.”

“I don’t know. They’re rich enough to get their own cabin.” I stated. “If they really wanted to do something…I think they could. They’re not like you and Dad, Mom. These are people that don’t live in the normal world. Most people divorce in the normal world in a situation like hers, so I’m beginning to believe this isn’t normal for her to still be married to him at this point.”

“What are you going to do?” she asked.

“I don’t know. I wish I knew. The way I look at it; I’m with her…but I really have nothing.” I said.

“What do you mean?”

“She sleeps with her husband every night regardless. I can love her like she has never been loved before…but she’ll go right back in that bed to lie down next to him.” I clarified. “Is what I have really considered “love”? This week alone made me realize I will never have her if I stay in her life this way. All I truly have is pain. And without her, I have the same thing I do when I’m with her. I guess if I lose her, at least I’ll only have pain, and no more illusions.”

“What are you thinking?”

“I would have a better chance of being with her…if I wasn’t with her.”

“Hmmm.” she contemplated. “You know your story better than I do. I don’t know what to say, Honey. I really hoped to meet her one day…but you have to do what you think is best.”

“Sometimes in life…you have to be willing to risk it all, to have it all.” I said. “No doubt it’ll devastate me. I’ll hurt for a long time, but at least I’ll have a chance at some dignity. I’m going to let her know how I truly feel about everything. I love her to death, but I’m dying.”

My mother could only nod her head in understanding. She had her own battle right now, and she didn’t need to feel my battle too. It really left me with no one to talk to, and no place to sort out my emotions. I only knew the truth about me and how her distance from me on this day seemed to widen. I couldn’t say with any certainty I’d be able to corral my emotions without being hurtful towards her if she did anything with Jackson on Valentine’s Day. Or if she went to Europe again with him. Or if she celebrated another year of marriage with glasses raised in cheer. So at this point I knew, if I couldn’t be her Edward, she would never choose to become a vampire.

As I drove home from my parent’s house and further contemplated my epiphany, I texted Anya to tell her I missed her, and she texted me back over an hour later.

ANYA: “I’m ok babe. Sorry if I worry you. I miss u too. What r u up to?”

ME: “Just got done visiting my parents. Happy to know you’re ok.”

ANYA: “Hope you had a nice visit with your parents. I will say goodnight now. I love you forever.”

ME: “Goodnight. I love you forever.”

After our text exchange, I felt more determined to learn all I needed to know. To face the truth of her indecision. I could no longer pretend I was happy she pitted her kids against me after all we shared and after she wanted me to fight for her. It wasn’t right and it didn’t feel like love, or at least consistent with the love she led me to believe she had for me. If she truly loved me, she would understand my position and at least make a promise. This relationship wasn’t about one person, it was about us, and the time had come to lay it on the line to learn all she hid from me. I had to acknowledge the fact there was something wrong with her love for me if I felt like a disease to her. If she didn’t truly love me, I could easily move on, but if she claimed to love me, like she did for the last year, I needed her to understand what love truly was. It had to be a verb before it became a noun as her indecision buried me alive. Our dream, a dream she led me to believe was hers as well, had to morph into a reality this year, and I felt if she truly loved me. If what we shared meant anything to her at all, then she would understand why I felt the way I did, and make me the promise any two people in love deserved.

The third day of the year two thousand nine was a tough one for me. I didn’t hear from her in the morning and coupled with her extended stay at the bar last night, even as Katie waited at home for her, my heart felt more urgency than normal as my stomach fought to hold its contents. I decided to send her a “feeler” text, a romantic one for the woman who didn’t kiss her husband at midnight on New Year’s Eve to see how she would respond.

ME: “I loved seeing you yesterday. You looked beautiful as always. It’s can empathize with how Edward could look at Bella the way he did in the movie when he has so much beauty in front of him. I hope you’re having a good day. Thinking of you.”

An hour passed by, and then another, as the silence allowed my mind to obtain rule over my heart. I imagined the world without her, or the world I believed in, one full of love between us, that now ceased to exist as the toll her holiday plans began to overwhelm me enough to prod for the truth of her silence as I got the courage to turn the love of a lifetime from a dream to reality.

ME: “I would like us to find a way for our dream of being together to come true. We have come too far not to try. We need this love babe. We deserve this after all you and I have been through in our lives. We are two of the best human beings on this planet. We belong together. It’s the Universe’s plan. I know you feel you don’t know what you’re doing babe, but have you really ever? You settled. You stayed after the infidelity. I’m proof of that. You’re much wiser now. You do know what you’re doing. You’re following your heart and fell in love with someone who honors, loves and respects you. Who has remained 100% loyal to you since we met again 13 months ago. I love you more than I love myself. I’m sorry, but I’m desperate now with Valentine’s Day coming up. I’m not saying it is easy. I just feel sometimes you’re only putting off the inevitable. I feel you would have more control over your kids’ behavior if they were younger. I guess I feel they aren’t losing a mother and father. You will probably get to spend more time with them than you do now plus maybe get a break once in a while. I don’t see them struggling because they have your strength in them. I believe they would be resilient like you said they were. Nothing is impossible. With love everything is possible.”

After I sent her this text, she responded in under a minute.

ANYA: “I’m curious. When you say I’m only putting off the inevitable do you mean by staying?”

ME: “No, babe. I think I believe it’s inevitable you’re going to leave.”

ANYA: “Oh. I see.”

Her “Oh. I see” response was not one I hoped to read as it screamed indecisiveness. I still believed however everything seemed to be in play for her to leave Jackson, and for her to pursue a life of truth, but then shit hit me with an unexpected response.

ANYA: “You’re putting so much pressure on me I can barely breathe.”

I couldn’t believe what I read as I flashed back instantly to Denise.

Pressure? Where was the pressure when one wanted to be with someone they hoped wished and dreamed to be with? Was there pressure in love? Did love know pressure of any kind?

Just months ago, she felt like running away from everyone, but now after we’ve shared so much more, she felt pressure to leave? She felt pressure to turn a dream into reality? This New Year’s Eve she ditched her own husband at midnight so how could she suddenly view this as “pressure” if she not only truly loved me but also truly wanted to be with me? Valentine’s Day was a day reserved for lovers and I knew if her holiday plans broke my heart as much as they did, anything she did on Valentine’s Day would obliterate it. All I could do was respond the only way I knew how to.

ME: “I’m no expert on love, but I don’t know if true love feels pressure of any kind, babe.”

For over a year I toiled in silence, afraid to say anything that may break her heart or hurt her, yet every day the sun rose, the unknown things only she knew would hurt me if I knew, played themselves out, and I could no longer turn a blind eye towards it.

I loved her.

I needed her.

She was not a luxury to me, she was a necessity.

I’ve never felt so closer to another human being in my lifetime and she knew I initially took the path not to be close to her at all. I had the truth on my side. The truth of her pained emotionally abusive past, and as the man who truly loved her, I wanted her away from further harm. More than anything I wanted her to live an honest life, because if she continued to live a dishonest one, it would betray us both. I needed to trust in her love for me. That it was as much a necessity to her as it was to me. While my love hoped, it afforded her the benefit of the doubt, but I’ve gone broke. I knew a promise from Anya meant something. It had value, and that’s all I needed right now, something I could hold on to and believe in, yet it remained as elusive as stardust. I didn’t intend for her to feel any pressure by what I communicated to her as I considered her New Year’s Eve promise, but she appeared to feel betrayed by my text, as if I was out of my mind to suggest such a thing. And when I didn’t hear from her for the rest of that day ad late into the evening, I felt her love for me would end by the time the sun rose, but instead I received another one of those texts. One of those that gave me hope that her truth would soon emerge into a promise at eleven forty-one p.m.

ANYA: “We had a huge fight and he took off. Idk where he is off to but just in case he has your address and shows up don’t open the door. Remember we’re just friends.”

After I read her text, I nodded my head and smiled as I rose from my bed, and with my phone in hand, I marched to the front door of my one bedroom apartment. And with full awareness of the consequences of love, our special love we created out of nothing at all, I unlocked the door and waited for Jackson to come take it from us.