“Did you ever have a secret yearning?

Don’t you know, it could come true?

Now’s the time to set wheels turning.

To open up your life for you.”

“Make it Real” ~ The Scorpions

I sat in my recliner, with my phone in my hand, and waited with patience for Jackson. For Anya to be worried about him showing up at my door, told me more about the man than I already knew. I didn’t want confrontation, but I thought he should my reason for existence. Anya painted a picture of him to be unpredictable, prone to violence and emotionally reckless. A psychopath in its purest form, like most CEO’s were. For him to even consider a visit to my apartment, to feel vindicated and self-righteous enough to do so, he most certainly believed I had no knowledge of his infidelities. That I jumped into this relationship because I lusted after Anya and thought nothing through. Beauty was more than just skin deep to me, and he had me figured out all wrong if he thought I was anything remotely close to him. I was in this relationship for nothing less than love itself, and if it was less than that, Jackson had every right to break down my door, but he had to know, within his hearts of hearts, this was something far greater if she disappeared on him at midnight on New Year’s eve.

When the clock struck two, and as I struggled to keep my eyes open, I called it a night as it seemed a late night visit wasn’t a part of his plans, and when I locked the door, I officially caved in to that reality. When the morning arrived, I couldn’t wait to text Anya to obtain more details.

ME: “What set him off last night?”

ANYA: “He wanted to kiss me and I wouldn’t.”

ME: “Really? Why would that make him angry though? You never kiss him back.”

ANYA: “He wanted to kiss me passionately and I wouldn’t cuz it made me sick.”

ME: “I don’t understand his logic. He knows the score. He knows how you feel about kissing him. In fact, you never return any of his “I love you”’s so what made him think it was okay to go in for a passionate kiss? It’s a violation of the way you feel about him. R u ok? Did he say anything else?”

ANYA: “I’m ok. He is not making it easy. He said he knows I have a “relationship” and he wants me to stop it. He made me feel guilty about the kids.”

ME: “I don’t understand. How did he make you feel guilty about the kids?”

ANYA: “He started in about what I am doing to the kids and how my family would be horrified. I denied but he doesn’t believe it.”

ME: “He sure refuses to take any responsibility for this doesn’t he? It’s what you’re doing to the kids, not what he did to make you feel the way you do.”

ANYA: “I’m depressed and sad.”

I could see the con-artist in Jackson, trying with all his might to emotionally blackmail the woman whose love he raped from her. With his arrogance and hypocrisy on full display, it mortified me to think she might dare to believe the things he told her--that she was to blame for all of this. That he along with the kids, who he decided to cheat on too when he cheated on Anya when she was pregnant, were the victims. The fact society scolded Anya’s response in the face of such emotional and mental violence against her disgusted me. What was she doing to their children by being genuinely in love with another man who truly loved her? One who honored, respected and loved her? Who would accept the responsibility of her children as well as her heart? If Anya was running around in a purely sexual relationship, I could see Jackson’s point; that her actions did hurt the kids. As much as I despised him as her husband, I'd have to side with him on the issue, but Jackson should've known what he clearly never knew; the beautiful heart of his wife. She would never be in a relationship of this nature, or its magnitude, especially taking into consideration how much her kids meant to her, for nothing less than true love. It appeared Jackson chose not to see the clearest of all things, blinded by an arrogance all his own, even though just three days earlier, his own wife ditched him at midnight on New Year’s Eve. If that didn’t speak volumes, even with the belief of a “relationship” he also knew she had, what else did he need to know about her love for him? A person who cheated on another was not an act of love, in any way shape or form, simply because no one would ever jeopardize losing something they truly loved. I loved Anya so much, I remained loyal to her in a situation I didn’t have to be loyal in. I could've easily had the best of both worlds, but the best world was with Anya. To see her smile. To know she was happy. That was the best world for me and I wouldn’t dare do anything to jeopardize it. My frustration only existed because the situation remained and I wanted to be her husband.

After I read that Anya was “depressed and sad” I sent her a text to air out my feelings. Fearing more than ever she would agree that falling in love with a man who truly honored and respected her would be misconstrued as an act of hurting her kids instead of being truthful with them.

ME: “So he comes up with this because you wouldn’t kiss him passionately? Couldn’t it simply be because you’re not in love with him? He acts more like your dad instead of your husband. I guess he is looking for someone else to blame other than himself. What I find so remarkable is this man, who not only cheated on his wife, but also his family, not once, not twice, not three times, but four times is trying to make you feel guilty for it. I’m trying to figure out where his self-righteousness comes from. He’s right about one thing though; if only your family knew about his infidelities and the gross disrespect he has shown their daughter over the course of their marriage, they sure would be horrified. And the kids? How are they being affected by this? You’ve been there for them in every way. All I can say is this. You’re the kindest woman I know. You say “hi” to random people. You help strangers. You volunteer your time. For you to ever be mean to anyone, or resentful, there must be a lot of resentment built up toward that person, and from all you’ve shared with me about it, I feel you’re justified and it’s for a good reason. I would even say he’s done you more wrong than I will ever know. What he’s doing right now is called emotional blackmail. It’s another act of mental and emotional abuse towards you. He wants you to be there for him and everything he told you, trying to make you feel guilty for his mistakes, makes him completely wrong especially when you consider the reason why you have fallen for another. Please don’t buy what he’s trying to sell you, babe.”

ANYA: “I know. I’m so sad.”

ME: “Please don’t be sad. That’s what he wants. He’s trying to destroy your happiness by filling your head with lies about what you’re doing to the kids. This isn’t a roll in the hay. This is true love, Anya. Don’t let him treat our love like anything less. You matter too.”

ANYA: “I’m sorry I couldn’t meet for tea today. I really wanted to.”

ME: “Sweetheart, please don’t be sorry. We’ll have tea again. I’m not going anywhere. Remember we’re in this together. I love you forever.”

ANYA: “I love you forever.”

Jackson was a master manipulator, a salesman who could sell a snow cone to an eskimo in a blizzard, but I could see his emotional blackmail from a mile away. If he was determined to execute a plan that would only further sadden Anya, I would then take it to him. How did he find the audacity to tell her to look at what she’s doing to the kids? How about let’s look at what you’ve done to their mother? Haven’t you taken enough happiness away from her life? Now you want to make her feel guilty about finding someone who truly loves her? Who gave her things you had twenty some odd years to give? Her parents would be horrified? You don’t think Anya’s parents would be horrified to know how you’ve treated their daughter over the years?

Jackson was not good for Anya’s well being. If her own well being wasn’t intact, how on God's earth could the well being of her children ever be? What husband on this planet would want his wife to live an unhappy life, especially knowing he was the cause? Anya was the kindest person I knew. For her to fall out of love with Jackson, notwithstanding all she shared with me outside her marriage, spoke volumes about the way he treated her over the years of their union--the kind of man he truly was. I carried no pity for him and believed the kids would be just fine.

Don’t pin your marital woes on me, Jackson. You don’t have to come to my door when a mirror would do if you wanted to know the true source of your marital problems. Facts were facts, and not only am I a part of Anya’s life now, but I chose to be a part of her life simply because of what she told me about you. She shared those things with me because she wanted me to be a part of her life. And if she wanted me to like you, she would've treated me like her friends--never sharing your transgressions with me. I’m here because she simply wanted me to be.

Facts are facts, and that was the ultimate truth; Anya allowed me to fall in love with her, and even encouraged it so I would stand up for her at times like these. I represented Jackson's long overdue karma and his own heart, something he feigned to have, now paid dearly for all he put her through. For all the mental games and emotional tugs at her heart strings, he still played the “kid” card--the only decent card he had left in his hand.

Anya and I both agreed I’m here because of Jackson’s infidelities. We were in love now, facts were facts, and I knew love was important for her to have. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have gone to such great lengths to create and nurture it through me by even denying her husband a kiss on New Year’s Eve, that undoubtedly happened--transparent through Jackson’s ire. Anya knew as well as I did that love was important for her emotional well being, and if she didn’t believe it before, she certainly believed it now. Much like Edward in “Twilight”, I was the vampire here--not wanting to hurt Anya while she wanted to be bitten. I knew that bite, my love, would turn her into the best version of herself--the best mother. With Jackson, both Katie and Andrew were denied the best version of their mother. With me, I felt her happiness would only be reflected upon her children. She would no longer need “spills with the girls” to hide her true feelings from a twisted false version of family, and becoming the Anya we both knew.

If I would lose her anyway, what did I really have to lose? With Anya I had the love of a lifetime, but if that wasn’t worth going for in life, what truly was? I refused to pay the price for Jackson’s infidelities any longer. If he plotted to blackmail her emotionally, play these twisted games and come after me, then I had every right to protect us both. She told him the score, and now it was up to him to look up at the scoreboard, and not blame others for not being able to see it. I did all of what Anya ever asked me to do, even sweeping her off her feet, and as long as Jackson decided to give her a hard time about it, it was time for her to make the move her heart and mind both needed to make. The time for Anya to be true to herself arrived--to realize this wasn’t only about the kids. That there was far more at stake now--her happiness mattered too.

On the fifth day of January, I felt Anya’s sadness and love more than ever before. The most texts Anya had ever sent me in a single day was fifty. By two thirty that afternoon. she had sent me fifty-eight texts with about thirty of those by four thirty that morning. Now more than ever she needed to know how much I loved her. How much she meant to me, and how much I missed her. The fact she refused to kiss him passionately, at a time he suspected she was in a “relationship”, was a significant statement and a major step towards the truth that made me fall even more in love with her. Jackson tested her resolve, to see how she would respond, and her answer was a resounding one. The fact he now recognized it as a “relationship” was thunderous--to acknowledge this wasn’t just an “affair”. But if he ever truly knew the size of his wife’s heart, he would've known she would never find herself in just an affair simply because of the love she carried for her kids. It had to be love; the truest form and nothing less.

To suggest “what she was doing to the kids” suggested she dated a man of lesser value than him. Financially, yes, but what mattered most? Did he fear his kids would soon learn the truth? That the man of greater real value wasn’t their own father? I wasn’t in their life to tear down their hero. My hope was to keep his transgressions a secret from them, but I couldn’t allow him to just tear down Anya's statue too. If their kids were destined to learn the truth, then they would learn the whole truth and nothing but--that their mother and I weren’t the villains, but the heroes and maybe even the victims. They would know their mother was seduced from the dark side to the light and not the other way around.

What was Anya truly doing to her kids by loving a man who honored and respected her? Showing them they shouldn’t settle in life? Showing them their parents’ marriage wasn’t normal? Showing them money and things didn’t lead to happiness? Showing them the importance of living an honest life instead of an unhappy broken one worthy of hate? That it was not a rational idea to stay married to a man who would trade you in for two twenty year olds when you turned forty? That it was important to pursue happiness in life if someone broke your heart so many times that you couldn’t help but fall in love with someone else? Maybe Anya didn’t do it the right way, but who was he to judge what the right way was? What right did he have to pass judgment upon her after all the pain he’s caused? What right way was there for a woman in her circumstances? Why couldn’t she be afforded a relationship such as ours, so if she left him, she would know without a doubt she would be truly loved? After all the emotional and mental abuse she endured for over fifteen years, she wasn’t allowed a trial run to know true love awaited her? How dare anyone judge her! Pass judgment on me for giving her the chance. Pass judgment on me for enduring all I did. Pass judgment on me for trusting her pain. The only time Anya should ever be judged is if she lied about the sorrow in her life that encouraged me to be here. That should be the only judgment passed upon her. If she solely pursued a sexual relationship, then she’s in the wrong, and should fall under judgment--that would hurt the kids. But how could Jackson tolerate this if he knew it was only a sexual relationship? He wanted the relationship to stop, but did his own arrogance blind him to the reality she had no plans to stop, unless I did? Jackson toiled in a complete state of denial, but this denial existed long before I came along. He had the responsibility to teach his kids, just as much as Anya had an obligation to, that their marriage was not a relationship but a business partnership--a hoax they put on to entertain clients, friends and family. The only question left now was when the circus planned to leave town as they both appeared to be too caught up in receiving their “Parents of the Year” award, an honor that only existed in their minds.

With the tension apparent between them, Jackson refused to accept his role in a loveless marriage for the sake of the kids, demanding her to abandon our love and be there for him. I understood his anger and frustration, but she was honest with her feelings for him years before I existed--that she was not in love with him and only still there for the kids. He let our relationship go on for over a year, yet did nothing, too consumed with himself than nipping it in the bud like any other spouse would. Did Jackson believe Anya’s relationship with me was some sort of therapy for her? We were so much in love; Jackson’s marriage of pride was now in full crisis mode. He even demanded her to return to her unhappiness and remain with him. What husband, who truly loves his wife, does that? He had fifteen years of second chances and now he wanted another round?

Anya no doubt felt the tension too; the pressure to either ask him to leave or for her to leave. I just wanted my voice to be heard in the matter because of the manipulation and mind games he preyed on her heart with. Did her well being mean anything to him? Did he think she had it all together only when she was with him? Anya was not in love with Jackson because of Jackson, not because of me. She even “hates her life” because of him after constantly chipping her heart away for years yet he still felt deserving of chance after chance? Why? Because now she was truly happy and in love again? What gave him the right to make her feel guilty about being in love after all he’s taken from her? Did the title of husband give him that right? He put himself above her for years and now he paid the ultimate price. I respected Jackson as a father and his right to air, but that was it. He knew the things he said to her would get back to me, and if he was indirectly speaking to me, he should be informed my shoulder wouldn’t be there for him to cry on. As Anya’s husband, he did not have my respect at all, and I didn’t care how popular he was or how big he planned to be. All Jackson had was a contract with Anya, a thing broken every day no one was going to hell for. Each time he attacked her psychologically, I'd be right there to protect her and, if needed, to return hostile fire.

Jackson forced me to devise a battle plan to protect her from his manipulative heart tugging tactics. He was convinced this was a “relationship” and not an affair, and Anya told me he would hide an affair from people but wouldn’t do the same if he knew she had a “relationship”. If she ever identified herself as my girlfriend, and not just a sex partner, he would go to her kids with this information. He would even go to her friends after he went to her parents as well. He would do whatever was necessary to justify himself as a loving caring husband and a victim rather than the instigator of the abuse. If he decided to go that route, the truth of his infidelities had to be known. I just couldn’t allow him to get away with making Anya out to be the bad guy. If he decided to kill me over it, then that was my destiny--at least Anya would be free to find love again. What good was true love anyway, if you weren’t willing to risk it all? I refused to allow him to hurt her anymore; not on my watch. If Anya hated me for it, then I would live with it, but I only did so because I loved her--born from an act of protection, not from an act of hurt. If she couldn't see it as a form of my love, then she had zero intention of ever being with me and at least I’d be aware of the truth. As cold as it would be, I could then act in accordance without living in a world of denial. I refused to live a dishonest life for anyone, especially myself. This dishonest lifestyle was temporary, and not something I could continue to live--it hurt way too much now. I didn’t want Anya to live a lie for the rest of her life. If she loved me, she would justify me. The truth about his disrespect must be brought out from the shadows. Anya was too sweet, too caring and too loving, all of which saved my life in many ways. She still found hope in life, and it’s hard to find good people on this earth like her who has gone through so much who still believed in love. I didn’t want to lose her let alone see her with an abusive husband anymore.

With all these thoughts that traveled from my heart to my mind, I composed a text that read the following.

ME: “Anya, my love, the truth will set you free. You can be happy again. You will be happier with me than if you stayed. I have no doubt of that and the kids will be fine. I love you too much for you to spend a lifetime in sadness. If you’re miserable, the kids will be as well. They need to see parents who don’t live separate lives. They would not be losing a mother or a father. This can work out better than you think but you have to be true to yourself. You do not love your husband. Our relationship is proof of that. You loathed him enough to fall in love with someone else and that is substantial simply because you’re not the type of person who would hurt anyone on purpose. Don’t be afraid. That’s what he wants. He is trying to create a FOG (a sense of Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) inside your head. After all you’ve endured because of the great disrespect he has shown your heart, you should never be made to feel guilty about wanting to be happy. You should not have to hate your life simply for the sake of others. Everyone around you will only end up paying for it. Be true to yourself. It’s not going to be easy but you have me to support you completely, 100% and even have the support of some friends who know what you have gone through on some level. They need to understand the real reasons why you are seeing me if your husband decides to expose you. He has manipulated, even exploited and abused you emotionally and mentally your entire adult life. You’re not the same fragile 19 year old girl he met anymore. You’re now a strong, brave and wise 41 year old woman who deserves the best this life can offer her. Again, if we were just friends, and never shared a single moment together, I would say the same thing. You and I both know he will not stay for the sake of the kids. He demands and expects your love because he wants everyone to believe within earshot he loves his wife, and he’s a supreme husband and human being. Please choose to be with me babe. We’ll set the record straight and make this right. You matter. You need to matter. And that matters to anyone who truly loves you.”

When I finished, I didn’t send it but rather saved it to my drafts, in case I needed it at a later time. Although Jackson could appear at my front door at any time these days, I didn’t see how he could ever do so. He never texted me. He never called me. Why would he come to see me if those other options were available to him?

I began to fear Anya believed there was no way she would be able to see me again and this would spur her to be massively depressed and sad. That she feared he would watch her with hawk eyes and expose her to the kids if she dared to continue our relationship. It left me to wonder though why Anya was so afraid to do the same to him. Wouldn’t the threat to expose him be an easy decision for her to make since it was an easy decision for her to date me? One she admitted she couldn’t help? What stopped her from revealing the truth about Jackson to friends and family in self defense, if he told her own children about us? Didn’t she have more of a leg to stand on especially if he did something that vicious and vindictive? I knew he built a brand, an image of himself he sold to others. A public façade he relied on to generate income for his family, but he ransacked her emotionally to do it, and sucked the spirit right out of her to pursue his own aspirations. Sure, the family benefited from it but at what cost? Their lives and image now morphed into a fraudulent one.

If Anya gave into Jackson’s mind games, I would feel she chose him over me because she chose him as the voice of reason, and not the voice of treason. It depressed me to think if she stopped our relationship, it would mean he owned her, and if that was the case, I never had a chance to begin with. Anya had to own this decision, and it had to be hers to make. He told her she could have the house, therefore if she stayed in the house and asked him to leave, the kids would stay put and they don’t lose their friends. Something she feared for them to lose. Maybe they both could still share the residence, and Anya could come stay with me on the days she didn’t have Katie and Andrew? It would be hard, but for the kids they could work something out. Why would they need to sell the house? Jackson even told Anya he would leave if she asked him to, but I knew now he only said it because the kids would blame her if she asked him to get lost. His olive branch was only a setup, and she knew it as well as I did.

It was simple arithmetic to me; no trust plus no respect equaled an unhappy marriage so Anya could never tell me she would be happier in this marriage than out of it. Jackson didn’t bring Anya into this world, love did, something she needed, and couldn’t go the rest of her life without. She needed to be happy again as I believed her kids would be better off to see their mother as a loving person and not a parent they perceived to be unloving as nothing could be so far from the truth. I thought of ways I could cheer her up and even though I could never send her flowers, I thought what if I sent them to Katie as a secret admirer from school like I did for Karyn years ago? I could then tell Anya, after she told me Katie received flowers from a secret admirer, they were from me to her. As I mulled it over further, and although I felt Katie would never know, I would, and I started to think it was a pretty creepy thing to do. I didn’t want to use her kids as a tool to get closer to Anya as I felt it would only give Anya another reason to stay on the fence, so I nixed the idea and never considered it again. I just wanted to touch her so badly but felt so hopeless.

The next morning, I didn’t hear from Anya, and after a day that saw her set a record for texts sent to me, I found it disconcerting. I then feared I was too opinionated about Jackson, and maybe she didn’t appreciate some of the things I said, so I decided to explain myself in a text to her to save myself from further negativity.

ME: “I hope u know when I say or text you the things I did a couple nights ago that you don’t think I’m lecturing you. I am just very protective and defensive of you. I don’t like it when anyone tries to hurt or manipulate you. I just love you to death and I don’t want anyone hurting you. What he tried to do upset me and I had to vent. To go in for a passionate kiss was disrespectful to you simply b/c of what you communicated to him. I know he’s your husband but it was still a violation of how you feel towards him. It’s like he never respects the reasons you feel the way you do and that he owns you. It’s like “you’re going to have to get over it or else”. I’m just venting babe. I’m always going to naturally defend you. Always. I know you want a break from this so I’ll shut up. I’m glad he recognized this as a “relationship” though. I would think after 21 years he would know the beauty of his wife’s heart and mind wouldn’t allow her to have just an affair. Please don’t comment on this text. No need to. I love you very much.”

I feared Anya might text me back something that would spur more wonder about her absence and I just wanted to get what I had inside off my chest. Anya made a huge statement by what she did on New Year’s and it hit Jackson hard. This was the kind of thing that kept me fighting for her to have the love she needed. She went through this length to see me and I refused to give up on her and us. Her head was out of the canal now, and all she needed to do was push a little more to be born into another entirely different but beautiful world, and I wanted to see it happen especially the more Jackson pulled her back into a world that was never right for her to begin with. As I hoped she continued to ignore me, I should have known better she would respond.

ANYA: “I understand why u say the things u do. Thank u for being so protective of me. I know u love me. I would do the same. R u going to work today? I didn’t work out this morning. I slept 8 solid hours for the first time in years! It would have been the night to watch me sleep cuz I was down!”

ME: “Thanks babe. Just wanted to make sure you knew it was done out of love. I took the day off. I’m not feeling well. I would have loved to watch you sleep. I need the peace right now.”

ANYA: “I saw an interesting story on the news this morning. There was a recent study done in NY about couples and “true love”. They said there is such a thing b/c after 20 years the couples still felt the same way. They said out of the control study the findings showed it only happens in 10% of the population.”

ME: “I think if they studied us alone they could put that theory to bed. Hell, we’ll do it for them!”

ANYA: “We sure could!”

ME: “All night long!”

ANYA: “Ha!”

ME: “I think what we have is true love too. I think we’re part of the 10%. When I say “I love you forever” I really mean it.”

ANYA: “I agree babe. I know u really mean it cuz I feel the same way.”

As the rest of the day progressed, Anya checked up on me throughout it, just like she did the previous day. A woman sadness and depression absorbed. A woman with two kids to look after and care for. A woman with a jealous husband who watched her “like a hawk” in an all out effort to destroy her happiness; worried more about me. And all the reasons I fell in love with Anya naturally came to rest in my consciousness as I never felt more closer to her than I did at this time. The Anya I knew. The one I loved to see, even when I couldn’t, appeared before me regardless of all she faced. I knew it still wasn’t a promise, but her texts throughout the day with the reality they were probably being recorded, was the closest thing to one.

The next morning, she texted me earlier than usual as her love shone through brighter and greater than ever, at a time it needed to more than ever.

ANYA: “I liked the last sentence in the second Twilight book. “I squared my shoulders and walked forward to meet my fate, with my destiny solidly at my side.” Missing u.”

Her romantic text choked me and brought tears down my face as she revealed the purest of all truths; she had exactly what Bella did, a man who stood solidly at her side and nothing short of her destiny. Anya would face nothing alone. Her destiny would always be strongly by her side, a calling that would defend her every time hypocrisy reared its head in the form of Jackson’s emotional blackmail. I’d be there to protect her, to tell her to remain dishonest would be the only wrong and harm she could ever do to her children. Each time I replayed the visual of my mother removing her Santa hat in exasperation to reveal her bare struggle, I thought of Anya, and all I truly fought for her to have; how the role of martyr for the sake of kids who did not know her pain wasn’t worth it in the long run. That in the short term it all seemed worth it, but the promise of an unhappy future could possibly render her children to experience the greatest sorrow imaginable; the fear of losing the one who gave them life, all too soon. Each time I saw my mother in bed, in a darkened room, with a cool towel on her forehead, lost in the scariest of uncertainties, yet basked in a lie to protect her children, my heart broke for Anya. Those images of my sick mother, once so full of life, were behind all I fought for. I loved Anya too much now. She had come too far to turn her back on us. She allowed us to feel the greatest thing two people could ever feel for each other. Things I never knew existed nor was capable of ever feeling; an empathy beyond empathy. She allowed me to be a witness to her pain every day. I observed her sadness and depression, so much so I took it all inside myself to feel the same way she did so I could love her better. All Jackson ever did was take happiness from her, and now he tried to stranglehold another piece of her soul as he played the kid card against her.

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“Look at what you’re doing to the children! How dare you be happy after all of my indiscretions! I said I was sorry and I’d be willing to lose an arm if I could change things! What else do you want from me? What is your problem? Your parents would be horrified if they knew! Do you want me to tell them what is going on with you? That you’ve found true love and happiness with another man? Things I vowed to give you but didn’t? I only cheated on you when you were pregnant with our son! Oh, by the way, I’d trade you in for two twenty year olds when you turn forty!”

I feared after all we shared, Jackson ‘s voice would resonate with her and not the voice of one who truly loved her. Who truly would die for her. Who truly respected her. Who truly put her above his own needs. I didn’t need a partnership promotion to know I was successful in life; all I needed was her. She legitimized me. Filled my life with a meaning I relentlessly sought. A search that kept me up at nights unable to sleep, I found solace in her. Yes, the pain was hard to bear at times, but anything worth something in life, and something worth everything, was not going to be easy.

After she sent me her sweet text, I told her I was putting myself on a soup diet in an effort to flatten my stomach as I continued my quest to find my abdominal muscles.

ANYA: “OMG! Ur perfect!”

ME: “No I’m not, Sweetheart. I have work to do on this body.”

ANYA: “Ur a perfectionist!”

ME: “I’ll never be perfect physically but I can always improve! I think I’m feeling a little under the weather b/c my body is trying to get used to this soup diet I’m on.”

ANYA: “Feel better babe. Really, u look great. If you’re not going to eat at least feed yourself veggies and fruits. Don’t mean to lecture but I worry about you.”

ME: “It means a lot you feel that way about me. I know you’re not lecturing me. I know you love me. I miss you and love you.”

ANYA: “I miss you and love you too. I hope I get to c u soon.”

ME: “Me too.”

After she sent this text, I felt safer that Jackson’s words did not steal her soul away. That if she listened to herself instead of a partner who tried to blackmail her emotionally, the voice of true reason would prevail. One that echoed the truth we both knew.

Later that evening, Anya sent me a text out of the blue.

ANYA: “On pg. 173 Eclipse.”

ME: “Haha! 173. Eclipse. Yeah right! Sure!”

ANYA: “I am!”

ME: “No you are not! Stop it!”

ANYA: “I am!!”

ME: “No way!”

ANYA: “Am too!”

ME: “You know if you keep this up, the next time I see you I’m going to tickle you all over!”

ANYA: “Ahhhhhh!”

We had a friendly competition to see who could read the “Twilight” series faster. We both hadn’t finished “New Moon”, the second book in the series of four, so I knew she joked around the minute I got her text. I never thought I could have so much fun reading teen fiction, but the “Twilight” series love story I read, one similar to the one Anya and I shared, made the book that much more enjoyable. I imagined reading the same book together in bed, throughout the day if we lounged around together, even in a book store chair together with her in my lap. I always loved to read but loved it even more with Anya in my life.

ME: “I have to admit I am really into this series. Sometimes I can’t put the book down because it makes me feel closer to you.”

ANYA: “I know what u mean!”

ME: “I actually found a strand of your hair one night I was reading “New Moon”. I know it annoys you when I find traces of you but your traces mean the world to me. I miss you.”

ANYA: “Awww I miss u so much babe.”

ME: “You made me fall more in love with things I already loved, like reading. I miss everything about you.”

ANYA: “U bring me smiles and laughter. I miss all of you too.”

Smiles and laughter; the secret to life. All that Jackson, her own husband, wanted to take away from her. It only led me to wonder if Katie and Andrew both knew the truth about our love, if they would want to take that away from her as well.

When the clock struck six forty-eight pm, an hour later, Anya sent me a random text.

ANYA: “I love u.”

ME: “I love u too, Beautiful.”

And then I didn’t hear back from her for the rest of the evening. She told me earlier she had to pick up some alterations from a mall in Newport Beach so I didn’t know if she possibly had another client dinner, but I felt secure, much more than ever, where her heart lied.

When the next day arrived, I didn’t hear from her in the morning and into the early afternoon. I then began to worry as this was inconsistent with the Anya over the last three days when Jackson unleashed an attack on her happiness. Her silence took a significant toll on me emotionally because of the closeness we felt over the last three days and after all the texts I received from her, more than she ever sent me before. At times like this I felt abandoned, but I also knew she loved me, especially when she ended her silence at two twenty five that afternoon.

ANYA: “Ur birthday is coming up! Catching up over here!”

ME: “I can’t believe you remembered.”

ANYA: “Of course I did! I love you!”

After a whole day of worry, Anya hit me with something so sweet and unexpected. A message full of love and hope that made my heart skip beats. Later that evening, she asked me if I could give her a call, and I happily obliged.

“I really miss you babe” she told me as she skipped the standard “hello”.

“I really miss you too.” I said. “I was doing some thinking.”

“About what?”

“I want to see you on the afternoons again.” I said. “I didn’t realize what I was doing when I told you I couldn’t see you on the afternoons anymore. It was selfish of me to take the afternoons away from you like that. If you visit me on the afternoons again, then maybe you can relax on the weekends. I miss you beyond syllables.”

“Thank you.”

“No, thank you.” I said. “I love you.”

“I love you forever.”

I could be so insecure at times, it blinded me to Anya’s insecurities, as I feared she might think I cut off our lunch meetings because I wanted to see less of her. The reason behind it though was because I missed her so badly I couldn’t focus when I got back to work. It was just hard on my heart to know I wouldn’t know when I’d see her again, and I’d lose focus on work whenever I returned from lunch after she visited me. I didn’t want her to feel insecure about it though and that was more important to me than how it made me feel.

After this brief exchange, I learned Anya wore braces before and still wore a retainer at night, and so did I, for five years I wore braces, and still had my retainer. Although, Anya was more disciplined about wearing her retainer at night as I stopped wearing mine years ago. She then shared with me that her, Carolyn and Debbie witnessed their old friend, Flora, making out with a “fifty year old” at a coffee shop, which made me feel good only in the sense Jackson was fifty two years old and her tone’s inflection revealed she found it to be gross. Anya seemed to think Flora resented them because they were still married. If anything, Flora probably resented them, with the exception of Debbie, because Carolyn and Anya both lived a lie. But Anya had a real reason to leave, she had me, and Flora knew that. So as much as I wanted to be on Anya’s side in the matter, I respected Flora for being true to herself, something both Anya and Carolyn failed to do. If anything, I felt they resented Flora for her courage to do the right thing, and not stay for the sake of the kids. You stayed for the sake of the kids when your love wasn’t stripped from your heart due to infidelities. You stayed for the kids when you didn’t help falling in love with someone. I sided with Flora on this only because I identified more with the truth and the importance of living an honest life.

When our phone conversation concluded, Anya sent me a goodnight text which rounded out a perfect afternoon and evening for me, as it dissipated the heart ache I felt that morning. Regardless of Jackson’s tug on her heart strings, she remained true to herself and held tightly to the love she felt in her heart for me. Her inability to live a dishonest life made me fall that much deeper, and to trust her that much more. Her authenticity is what gave me faith in the way my heart beat for her. Her continued communication with me was an act of laying it all on the line and trusting in our love, and that’s loving someone as she fed me the consistency I craved from the woman who I opened up myself to, and shared my entire being with. Her show of love for me, her lack of fear and respect for Jackson, she proved to me he wasn’t going to allow him to break her, to take all we’ve built together in over a year. Most importantly, this was a show of her belief in love, and what loving someone was all about.

The next morning, the ninth day of the first month of two thousand and nine, Anya sent me a text.

ANYA: “Good morning! Sorry I turned off my fone after I said “thank u”! I have a small window of time after I drop off Katie at dance. It will be late but can u meet me at the usual “Good Morning Café around 7?”

ME: “Good morning! You ask the silliest questions sometimes, you know.”

ANYA: “Ok I guess that’s a yes! Have a good day! C u later! I’ll text u if anything changes. U never know these days. I love you forever.”

She was right. Jackson’s latest emotional attack left him capable of anything, and he could appear before us at any time. I knew this was a hard time for her, but I didn’t want to make it harder than it had to be. I felt secure in her love for me like never before. I knew she would find ways to see me, but why try unnecessarily when maybe the next day provided her a better chance without worry? I didn’t want to give him more power over her than he had already, so I stepped up to the plate as badly as I wanted to see her.

ME: “R u sure babe?”

ANYA: “Should be ok. He’s watching me like a hawk. Hate my life.”

ME: “If u change your mind, don’t feel bad. I want to see you more than anything but if it makes you feel uncomfortable I’d understand. There will be another time.”

ANYA: “Hun I so want to see you. It should be ok. I’ll c u there around 7ish. I’ll text u when I’m on my way. I love you.”

ME: “Ok. I love you too.”

Her “I hate my life” told me all I needed to know about where her heart truly wanted to be. How could someone’s wife, and a mother, hate their life? To read that tore me up inside and lit a fire under me regarding Jackson’s attempts to end the one thing that brought joy to Anya in this world, other than her kids. To take that away from her, after being responsible for years of her sadness, should be prosecuted as a crime. I knew he wanted to stay together for the kids, but it lacked nobility as it wasn’t done out of love for Anya, but for the love of his money, something he didn’t want to lose. No one who truly loved his wife would make her feel guilty for a “relationship” after the history of his infidelities, the reason the “relationship” existed in the first place. I knew he loved his kids, but he wanted them to adore him. It’s why he bought Katie a horse ranch. To win her over. To manipulate his own family so if they ever learned of their mother’s “relationship”, they would all side with him. To show how irrational it would be for Anya to fall in love with any other man who had the money he did. If he asked Anya for a divorce, I supported the horse ranch he bought for Katie only because I didn’t want her and Andrew to think he didn’t love them. In that sense, I could appreciate his gift to Katie, but I saw how he used it in another way; to make them favor him over Anya in a divorce so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. After all, how could Katie’s mother hurt the man who bought her a horse ranch? How could mom ever do such a thing to dad? The psychological games Jackson continued to play with Anya, and even his own children, took shape the more I learned from Anya as I just hoped our universe born love would eventually trump all Jackson tried to do to destroy her happiness. For Anya to now hate a life that should have been so beautiful, broke my heart in more ways than she could break it.

When Anya entered the parking lot behind the Good Morning Café shopping center, and parker her car next to mine, it marked the first time we would visit Cascade Park in at sunset. The beauty of her visit is that it came on a Friday night, a night I usually hurt the most without her and it meant a lot to have her to take such a risk for us, for our love, in the middle of such chaos. With the unknown variable erased for the time being, I felt safer than ever. When she came into my car she handed me a warm bag before she leaned in to kiss me.

“What’s this?” I asked.

“I made you tomato soup and cookies!” she said. “I also burned you five CD’s. The music I’ve been promising you for so long.”

“Oh my God. Thank you so much!” I said. “That’s so sweet of you.”

“It’s my pleasure!” she said. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” I said then kissed her.

With her hand in mine, I began our drive to Cascade Park, as I tried to stave off the emotions her thoughtful gifts provided me. I felt love and fear in them as she only made cookies when she was sad but she also wanted me to know where her heart was if she couldn’t see me as much as she wanted to. I didn’t have kids of my own, but I knew those sacrifices mothers should make for their children, and the ones they should never make. If this was psychological warfare Jackson waged upon her, he would be met with resistance. A resistance he had yet to see by the unlikeliest of all people as Anya’s “I hate my life” fueled my passion to end her hate. As much as Jackson planned to fight for her, I planned to do the same because I had more of a right to. I couldn’t allow the love of my life to drink his Kool-Aid. A drink he concocted with lies and fear, without a drop of love.

Upon our arrival at Cascade Park, her lips never left mine as tears trickled down her cheeks and found our lips on a few occasions. I could not only see the sadness but also feel her desperation, emotions I deciphered as a great fear of losing me. A feeling I had yet to experience from her that ended any doubt about her love for me. If anyone, whoever found fault in our love, witnessed what I felt on this night, with all of her love never so evident, they would all understand why I felt they were wrong about her, and why I felt so strongly about us. Why I stayed and fought through the pain, and gave her the benefit of the doubt, for the last thirteen months. Her lips, tears and refusal to give up on us was in essence, a promise to be with me, and the greatest statement she made about how she felt about me and even about Jackson. Her love for me was triumphantly there, but my biggest job remained; to change twenty one years of twisted mind control Jackson unleashed upon her as he tried to end her happiness and our love. Anya’s tears spoke of her passion for me and for us--our expansion possibly leading to destruction. I knew on this night, through her tears, I had to mount a defensive upon Jackson. All because Jackson was technically her husband, didn’t make what he did, right and what I did, wrong. He was absolutely wrong and abusive emotionally in every sense of the word. A textbook narcissist put on a collision course with an empath to set up a collision course the Universe devised on a second’s basis as I felt this was not good versus evil, but rather wrong versus right. And how could a love like ours ever lose against false perceptions and vicious manipulations? How could God even allow that to happen if He existed when two souls were so meant to be?

When our time ended and we left our Cascade Park, Anya informed me she had to turn off her phone at night because of his suspicions; the reason why she couldn’t respond to my texts at times. I told her not to worry about it and thanked her for letting me know because it helped me understand better when I didn’t hear from her at night, although it wouldn’t stop me from being worried about her. As I parked my car next to hers, and before she exited, she turned to thank me, and I thanked her in return. She then turned to me once more, and her soft dark eyes fell into mine to tell me words that broke my heart into pieces for her.

“I am so sad.” she said.

I didn’t know what to say because I felt the same way each time she left my sight.

“Don’t let what he’s doing get you down. You’re a step closer to the truth now than you were three days ago. Okay?”

“Okay. I love you, Landyn.”

“I love you too.” I said as I put my hand to her face.

She moved her soft hand upon mine and kept it there for a few seconds as I tried to savor each second she did before she removed it and said “good night”. I watched her get inside her car as she turned her face in my direction to feign a smile only to appease me, and not herself. She waved good bye just before she backed out and disappeared from my view. I then got out of my car, unable to accept her absence, and began to walk with no real place to go. Lost even with the moonlight above, caught in the disbelief our time together ended; all the excitement reduced to melancholy.

I worried about her sadness; if she would do something about it or if she would succumb to it. After Jackson upped the ante about his knowledge of a “relationship”, he also attempted to put me in an evil light. That the man who dated Anya, the man who trusted her, the man who truly loved her, was also a man who wrecked lives. Who fell in love helplessly and recklessly with a great inconsideration how a family could be destroyed, and that perception didn’t sit well with me at all. That was the picture Jackson tried to paint of me though and I knew I had to fight the false interpretation he undoubtedly shared with those within earshot. That both Anya and I never considered how the kids could be hurt, as if Jackson had no role in this at all. If I had gone into this with my libido instead of my heart, I felt I should be viewed as the evil homewrecker, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth was something I always stood up for and always believed in. Liars and dishonesty were welcomed in my world only if they would be replaced or vindicated by the truth. I dreamt of such a discussion with Jackson. I wanted a crack to shoot down his ideology, but was unsure of the route I’d have to take and its perception from Anya and her children after I took it. I had put too much of myself into loving Anya, so much so, I couldn’t walk away without being heard, completely heard. Jackson was not only wrong for Anya, but he was also wrong about Anya and my role as wreckers of a family. He could say all he wanted about “thinking about the kids”, but he didn’t want to lose half of the empire he built so he did what he had to do to hold onto it, but I didn’t come into his life to take that away from him. I didn’t want a cent. I only wanted what was fair to Anya. What she was entitled to and what her kids were entitled to. Ron Goldman, before he was murdered, drove around in OJ Simpson’s own car when he dated OJ’s wife at the time, Nicole Simpson. As much as I despised Jackson, those kinds of things weren’t even options for me, no matter how much he hurt Anya. Anya’s heart was all I wanted and needed. I knew having that would settle any score I had with Jackson, however had no right to take Anya’s happiness away from her simply by the title of husband, and that’s all it was, a title.

As I jumped into bed that evening, I started to read the third book in the “Twilight” series, “Eclipse” as I only wanted to feel close to my heartbeat, Anya. I even began to fantasize she knocked on my door, and when I answered it she stood there, with a small bag of her things, to tell me she was coming home, a hope more reality than dream.

The next day, Anya texted me to ask if I wanted to meet her for tea again, and even though it was a brief meeting, it meant so much because of how much it meant to her. One of those that left me feeling hopeful as it was nice to see her twice in less than twenty four hours even as her husband watched her like a hawk. Anya’s love for me shone through like never before as she remained more defiant than ever to Jackson’s demands. It was only a brief meeting because she had to pick Katie up at her dance studio, and although it made me sad to see her go so soon, when she got there she sent me a text.

ANYA: “I’m glad u took me back when u did cuz I just got here to the studio! Whew! It was nice to see u as always! I loved kissing u! I love u!”

I knew the strip mall’s sandwich shop got busy after noon time. so as much as it pained me to do, I drove her back from Cascade Park five minutes earlier than she wanted to leave, but if she had missed Katie’s lunch, I would have felt awful, and I knew she would to, more than anyone.

At five thirty that same Saturday evening, Anya sent me another text.

ANYA: “Have a goodnight babe. I love you.”

Although I responded in kind, her text bummed me completely out because it came so early, but I had to understand her every move was being accounted for now. The following morning, at eight thirteen, I received a text from her.

ANYA: “Good morning!”

Although her silence hurt, and my night was long, a simple “good morning” was like a shot of morphine. She then informed me that she planned to go see a new movie out, “Slumdog Millionaire” with Carolyn. Suddenly, my excited heart beat rapidly as Carolyn offered a chance to see, a gesture to let me know she wanted to feel closer to me. I then told her I had no plans and would go to the show as well. She then sent me a text that dug up some bad memories of the last time I met her at the movies; when we saw “Twilight” and she ran off with the girls, as I felt like a disease to her the entire time.

ANYA: “K! U know I can’t sit with you tho.”

I wanted to text her back to say Oh! You mean like all the other times we went to the movies and I was able to sit with you? Her early good night and the silence that followed already did a number on me from the previous night, and even though I knew her rules of engagement and abided by them, why did she find it necessary to tell me this? The only reason my low self esteem could conjure up was that she didn’t want me to go. That seeing me twice in less than twenty four hours was good enough. So, I obliged her.

ME: “You know what, maybe it’s not a good idea I go. Enjoy the movie, babe! Talk to you later!”

ANYA: “Did I offend u?”

Did she seriously have to pose such a question to me? Did she offend me? Would she be offended if I texted her something she already knew that broke her heart each time? A little over twenty four hours ago, she told me she hated her life and was so sad, and now she is suddenly fine with those feelings with a chance to see me? After all we shared, and after how close we became, if the roles were reversed, and it was me telling her she had to sit alone in a theater so we could feel close to each other, while I sat with my friends, how would she feel? I loved her so much, I didn’t think twice about doing that if it made her happy, even after she took off with the girls after “Twilight” as if I wasn’t even there. And I didn’t want her to get caught by Jackson just as much as she didn’t because it would give him more power over her, but she had to show some respect for me because of all I felt for her. My heart was in this just as much as hers, if not more. I was even willing to feel like a disease to her and for her, but she had to be sensitive to the fact that without her, I was sad and hated life too. I understood everything she did, and if I didn’t, I tried to, but this understanding didn’t come without pain. I wanted to be so noble, and last thing I wanted to ever do was put myself before her, to distract her from her children, but this sensitivity was natural for me to feel, and out of my control. I never knew how the things she said or did would affect me. The same things she did now didn’t bother me when we first met, but after all we’ve shared, all the love I felt for her in my heart, I feared to lose any bit of it. And what precluded her from wanting to be as close as she could to me? She found a way to see me twice in less than twenty four hours with a husband who watched her like a hawk and who told her he believes she is having a “relationship”. Wouldn’t her love find a way to sit next to me in the movies? Her love for me inspired her enough to run out of a department store at the mall when she saw me and even with Katie in tow at the time. She ran out of Sonomas one night without control when she learned I waited for her outside. So, what made her so strong now?

I wanted to feel close to her, but if going to the movies now made her feel uncomfortable, then what ‘s the point? Then again, maybe she was just sick of pretending as much as I was.

ME: “I understand. I know you want to sit next to me but can’t because of the circumstances. I’m sorry I gave you the impression I was offended.”

ANYA: “It’s ok.”

I felt bad about my knee jerk reaction, but I was more sensitive to things now and still unaware of how things made me feel, especially when I carried more hope than ever because of her defiance in the face of Jackson’s accusations. Every day brought the real hope I could hear that knock on my door I dreamt of since the day I met her so we could begin forever together. But whenever I felt hopelessness, I reacted as if my life depended on it, because in actuality, my whole belief in love, my life’s purpose and meaning, did.

Even though we couldn’t sit next to each other, it was sweet of her to want me there to feel close to me, so I thought it would be a nice surprise if I showed up after I declined her offer. I feared she would feel bad about the arrangement and wanted to show her I appreciated her thoughtfulness. After all, she could have told me she wasn’t going to the movies at all and I would have never known. I also didn’t want to discourage her from asking me to be there with her, if she truly wanted me to be there as I felt it might lead her to believe I didn’t want to be with her when I wanted that more than anything in life.

When I got in line, behind about ten people, at the ticket counter, I noticed Carolyn and Anya were at the ticket window. When they turned around and saw me, their faces formed in a way of complete shock, and not one of thrill. They both then waved at me then quickly disappeared inside the lobby of the theater. Fifteen minutes later when I entered the theater, the previews played and the lights dimmed to darkness. I searched for Anya but couldn’t find her anywhere due to a mixture of darkness and my poor vision. The theater was the same exact one thought where we saw “Night in Rodanthe”, but it completely lacked the same feeling of happiness for me as I felt unwanted. “Slumdog Millionaire” won best picture that year, but I couldn’t distinguish it from “Gigli” as I couldn’t get my mind off of Anya’s expression and Houdini impression during the show. If I felt like a disease to her when we saw “Twilight” together, I felt like the next great plague this time around. Even though I came only for her, and never for myself, it made me feel like a stalker, and lowered my already low self esteem as my act of love didn’t seem appreciated. The last time we sat in this theater together, she ran up the aisle to hand me a heart she sketched on a post it note, but now, after all we’ve shared, after her allegiance to our love this week, it felt like she would walk right past me, as if I didn’t exist at all, if she saw me. I then made a vow to myself that this would be the last movie I went to where I had to sit apart from her. Although she wanted me there to feel close to me, it seemed to make her feel uncomfortable more than anything. I guess I thought she would have been so happy to see me she would have snuck up to sit next to me for a minute or two since I sat alone and with open seating around me, after all the theater was dark, but she never came. As I sat there, I felt her fear more than her love, and I refused to put myself in this situation ever again with or for her.

When the movie, that seemed to last six hours, was finished, I seriously couldn’t recall the plot or a single scene because of all the negative emotions that consumed me while it played. Since I felt Anya’s silence told me she could care less if I was there or not, I decided to just leave the theater and head home as this felt even worse than when we saw the movie “Twilight” as I got tired of feeling like the Ebola virus. Before I could get out of the parking lot, she sent me a text and asked me to call her, and when I did, I thought she might want to have tea to talk about the movie. But she other things on her mind.

“How come you showed up without giving me a heads up?” she asked.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you wanted a heads up.” I said. “I thought it might be a nice surprise.”

“Well, it would have been nice to know you’re coming!” she said with no hint of anger in her tone.

“I thought I would surprise you, but if you need a heads up, babe. I’ll let you know next time.”

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to go every time I ask.” She explained. “Just a “yay” or “nay” would be fine.”

“You got it.” I told her.

“I’m glad you were there.” she stated. “Did you like it?”

“I didn’t care for it much to be honest.” I came clean only because I couldn’t pay attention to the movie. “Did you like it?”

“Really? You didn’t like it? I loved it!” she exclaimed. “Carolyn and I both did!”

“I think I’m going to have to see it again when it comes on DVD.” I countered, trying to hide the true reason behind why I didn’t like it.

“Thanks for coming, babe.”

“Thanks for telling me about it. I’m sorry, I didn’t give you the heads up. It was not intentional, I thought it would be a nice surprise, but I’ll make sure to do so next time.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

After our phone conversation ended, I wondered why she needed a “heads up”. I would have been ecstatic if she showed up without me expecting her to. If she wanted a head up, I’d give it to her, but it seemed odd. I then considered the reason she may have wanted the “heads up” was likely due to a girl’s issue. Maybe she felt dressed down and decided not to wear any makeup because she thought I wasn’t coming? Maybe she felt insecure and didn’t want me to see her that way? Maybe I was being extremely selfish feeling the way I did and victimized my own self because of my low self esteem? I didn’t hear back from Anya the entire rest of that Sunday evening, but I usually never did, so I decided to send her a text to let her know how beautiful she was in my eyes in case I missed the real reason behind her disappearance into the darkness of the movie theater that day.

ME: “I just wanted to apologize again for not giving you notice I changed my mind about going to the movie. I think I may know the reason you were upset about that, and it may be because I’m not a girl. I hope you know you’re the most beautiful woman in the world in my eyes. It doesn’t matter what you wear or if you don’t have your makeup on. You’re naturally beautiful to me. I hope you know I love you for you. I’ve known you too long now to love you for any other reason. If I had the choice between a supermodel and you, I would choose you every time, and it wouldn’t even be a close decision. It would require zero time to make and with no hesitation. I’d choose you over and over again. Just wanted you to know. I love you. Goodnight.”

In the past, whenever I sent texts like this, Anya would text me the very first thing in the morning, but when I didn’t hear from her, on a day I really had to focus at work, I chalked it up to Jackson’s hawking of late and it being a usual busy Monday morning for her. But I struggled with that as well, because this represented an opportunity for her to leave him as he continued to rock the boat with her, something she told me he knew better not to do. Before I went crazy, and in a great need to focus in order to get some work done, I made the executive decision to reach out to her just before noon to see how she was doing.

ME: “Good morning! R u still upset with me and ignoring me?”

ANYA: “I’m not ignoring u. I just haven’t had a minute this morning. Ur texts last nite or should I say this morning were so nice babe. I didn’t know I was that “beautiful” in your eyes. That really touched me and I had tears. I’m not exactly sure what u were trying to say when u said u think u know the reason I need some notice. My schedule is always planned and if I get a window of time or an opportunity to feel closer to you, I try to make it work. I would have been ok if u had told me that u were too busy with work or u had other plans or that u really don’t feel like seeing that movie. I made time to get away and I asked u to go but that wasn’t good enough. Under the circumstances I can’t take that chance in town. I’m still paying for Sonomas. You said you’d pass and the reason was cuz we couldn’t sit together. I could have easily gone out to lunch and blown off the movie which is not too crazy. I used Carolyn as an alibi to get closer to you and that was all I could do that afternoon. You told me you’d pass but you show up. That just didn’t feel right to me. What if “somebody else” wanted to tag along? I’m not a mean person and in my mind “you’re not going to the movie”, I don’t know what you meant when you said “I’m not a girl”.

Her response told me she was still not happy about my appearance at the movies, and now it started to bug me as I questioned who was this “somebody else”. And what did “I’m not a mean person” and “what if “somebody else” wanted to tag along? I hoped, after all she encouraged and allowed me to feel, she wasn’t referring to Jackson. Not a mean person? Did she think I was a mean person? She told me horrific things about Jackson. She told me she didn’t even return an “I love you” back to him when it’s said. She told me she slept on the other side of the bed at night. She told me it made her sick when he tried to kiss her passionately. We’ve experienced everything two people in love possibly could, and now she tells me she’s “not a mean person”? What kind of alternate reality was she living in? She doesn’t even kiss the man when he kisses her yet she feels bad if he wanted to “tag along” and can’t tell him no? When did Anya suddenly turn into Cybil?

And how could Carolyn, knowing all Anya did, even allow Jackson to tag along all because I’m not going? All because I decided not to go, all of sudden it was okay to let Jackson tag along? The guy who murdered her heart? The man who led her to me? These negative emotions took a deep slide after I read her response as it behooved me to think she thought she had a valid argument to let that “somebody else” tag along after all she told me about him. Could Anya be that phony? Did she think I was a mean person? I walked away from her because she was married. I trusted her to leave, not stay. I was promised she would if she fell in love with me, but now Jackson was an option because I turned down the movies because she was too much of a coward to sit next to me at the movies? You can’t take the liberty of a chance “in town” but you can take all the chances in the world with my heart? What gave her the right to text me what she did? I gave her the chance of a lifetime to make things right in her life. To have a real love. She allowed me to feel so much and to love her so dearly because of her husband’s infidelities to only claim she’s “not a mean person”? Did she realize all she told me and did for me to be in this position? I didn’t think she was a mean person, but at the moment she was undoubtedly a dishonest person to even allow the possibility of him to “tag along” after all the horrific things she told me about him, that brought me here. And to break it down to me in the tone she did, as if she had any justification for doing so, I found absolutely disturbing. In response, I decided to not consider the “somebody else” in my rebuttal as it left me unsettled, but I knew everything at stake for me if I let it be known, so I hid my disdain from her.

ME: “Well, if I went to the movie, and you decided not to go, then whose fault would it be? Mine, right? So why feel bad about it?”

ANYA: “Yea but I would have missed u!”

I felt her text was sweet, and it made me feel a little better, but the negative thoughts continued to flow as my positive thinking now had to find a way to defeat “somebody else”. At a time my hope she would leave her marriage, or at least make a promise to be with me, was at an all-time high, she became worried about being a “mean person” in everyone else’s eyes other than mine, who believed she wasn’t a “mean person”. For her to describe herself as one made me feel she thought I was a mean person to carry on the relationship. To push her to leave her marriage after she knew from day one how I felt about being in her life to fill a void. The funny thing about her “but I would have missed you” text was how she ran inside the theater with Carolyn when she saw me, and how she never came up to see me one time while I was there. Her words told me she feared to miss me, but her actions that day told me she couldn’t care less if she did. That thought alone, that reality, hurt me more than anything, as she began to eat away at my trust.

After our textversation, and her “somebody else” warning, I knew this much was true, I had to learn the truth about her love for me. If it even existed at all in reality or only existed in fantasy. Little did I know, our “love” would soon face its greatest challenge yet.