“Walking through a winter night,
Counting the stars
And passing time
I dream about the summer days,
Love in the sun
And lonely bays.
I see the stars, they’re miles and miles away
Like our love,
On one of these lonely winter nights.”
~ “Lady Starlight” The Scorpions
1:17 p.m.
“Hi! I had a blast! I miss you already. I love you forever.”
The morning could not have gone better. My life in complete balance and perfect harmony; my world made whole and functional. I hated to say it was the best time I ever spent with her because each meeting had a special quality about it all its own, but each time felt like the best time, but I did know this much, it was the best time I had ever had in my entire life, and not just with her, and I could never understand how I would have to give it up.
I couldn’t stop thinking about when she told me sweetly “No, we’re not having a baby” as I felt the disappointment in her tone, and how much love her tone conveyed to me, her eyes within mine. A wistful tenor, as if we would try again, and although I wouldn’t have allowed it simply because of the position it would put her in, I trusted her lack of fear. I really wanted a chance to show her how things would be different this time around for her. That she wouldn’t be holding my child in her body, with the worry and stress about not having someone there for her emotionally. When I imagined Anya, in the days she carried her child in distress that undoubtedly caused Andrew’s premature birth, I’d tear up every time I thought of the pain this ever loving human being went through. I couldn’t believe this kind of inconsideration for a wife and mother came from a man of Jackson’s stature and caliber. I hated to think any father could be a douchebag, but that’s exactly what he was, the most dangerous kind, one with the ability to hide behind a family and money. If I had known her back then, I would have done everything to save her, but my hands were tied now because of the fear she had for her kids, and even though I didn’t respect the marriage, I respected that just as much as Jackson’s perception of a perfect father. I didn’t come into Anya’s life to wreck that perception, as I trusted she would leave and it would be a non-issue, but here I was, part of me with a desire to confront Jackson, to let him know I knew of things no one else did, and that’s why I existed. That I didn’t get involved to destroy his children’s perception of him, but simply because he neglected and mentally abused his wife. I wouldn’t have made the decision to be Anya’s life for any other reason than all she told me about Jackson’s infidelities and the gross disrespect of her heart.
I didn’t support feminist movements, and I tended to side with males in such instances, but this I supported her emotional getaway from years of mental abuse, from a man with an agenda all his own. He even tried to fool me in San Francisco, when we met to sell him on our firm, but in the end, as it always does, the truth eventually comes full circle over time. I felt the longer Anya stayed, the more the risk increased her kids would learn the truth about their father as well, and as much as I disliked him, I didn’t want that revealed to them. I didn’t believe in the destruction of their first hero in life, only the end of an emotionally abusive marriage that should have never existed to begin with.
That evening a friend contacted me to see if I wanted to go check out a band at “The Whiskey” on the Sunset Strip. He just started his photography business so he didn’t do it for the money but for the experience, but the shows he called me to go see were usually pretty cool. He was a photographer for unknown local rock bands in the area, but these bands all had a chance at making it to the big time. Since I was on vacation, I could make the weekday drive out to Hollywood so I accepted his offer. Anya had just gotten back from “shopping”, and she always had to have evidence so this meeting’s evidence consisted of another pair of “perfect” heels. I then told her of my plans on this evening and she told me to be careful and that she loved me, as her words gave me the feeling we were officially back together in her eyes. She then texted me a little later just before I headed out into the Hollywood night.
4:35 p.m.
“Hi! I miss you sooo much! I have to go to the office on Wed for a little bit. R u free for a short hello around 10:30ish?”
ME: “This is seriously the best vacation ever! I would love to see you! Short hello, long hello. I’m all yours!”
ANYA: “Haha! You have to promise u know what. I think I’ll bring a written contract for u to sign which is good for at least 10 years!”
ME: “I like that you’re thinking long term but I have carpal tunnel syndrome. Sorry!”
ANYA: “No go!”
ME: “No go? Ok, I promise I won’t tickle you when I see you. That’s oak.”
ANYA: “Yea right! Ok did u promise for Wed cuz idk if I have to go into work now.”
ME: “I just said I promise I won’t tickle you when I see you. I didn’t specifically say Wed. What’s wrong with that?”
ANYA: “It turns out I do have to go to into work! How about that?”
ME: “Ok, I won’t tickle you on Wed. Sheesh, you sure do drive a hard bargain!”
ANYA: “I love you forever!”
That evening, as I stood there among a crowd of fifty people near the stage to watch a really good band perform, I could honestly say without a doubt, I never felt happier in my life. When Anya told me “I’m having the time of my life with you in my life” she summed up my sentiments perfectly. Although I usually enjoyed this time of year, it lost its luster over the years as I grew into a life of more responsibility, but Anya’s love made me fall back in love with this time of year, like a ten year old with no responsibilities. To feel this way during a stressful part of life, that fatigued you more at the end of the day than it breathed life into you, at a time mornings were dreadful, when people turned to alcohol and other ways to cope, I got through it all with only love. It’s all we really needed as humans; to love and to be loved. I never felt a greater sense of self or being, as I finally stood for something; all I ever wanted to believe in; something spiritually and divine enough to fight for. The entire month of November had its low moments, but never had the highs been higher. The last two weeks in particular brought Anya and I closer than ever before. So close, we even had a pregnancy scare as I dreamt even more of the opportunity to one day make her bad experience with love a distant memory. Not only would our child be greatly loved, but I would cater to Anya, the woman who carried my child, like no one else ever could. I just wanted a chance to make it right for her. To reverse the course of pain in her life and get her on the path of pure happiness. This was not about breaking up or ending a family but rather breaking up and ending an abusive marriage. This was all about love; nothing more, nothing less. I believed our love story could give the world something to believe in again, as I felt capitalism destroyed the very thing we were all put on this earth to do; to truly love for the right reasons. I had dreams of the Eiffel tower under a full Paris moon, with a ring I shopped desperately for, to bestow upon the only woman who showed me love and grace in my life. I owed Anya so much for all this happiness I felt. For how much she changed my life for the better and not for the bitter. Even as her hero, she was mine as well. As I rescued her, she rescued me. I felt the disappointment some people might feel would dissipate over time, because I felt if they loved Anya and wanted the best for her, they would see how happy I made her, and then understand why Anya chose happiness. I knew I was a big dreamer in life, I dreamt often about big things, things much grander than I was, but I wanted a love like this to define me. To be my destiny. To show others that a love like this existed for us all. Anya and I just had to be patient and above all else; believe.
As I continued to watch the band play, while my friend bounced up and down with his camera to capture the feel of the audience, my phone began to vibrate in my pocket.
10:26 p.m.
“Goodnight baby. I hope you’re having fun.”
ME: “I’d have a lot more fun if you were here. Goodnight Beautiful.”
ANYA: “I love you.”
ME: “I love you too.”
ANYA: “B careful pleez.”
ME: “I will babe.”
As I put my phone back into my pocket, the only thing missing from my night was her company. Her texts made me feel like we were married, and her concern for my safety warmed my heart as I never had anyone feel my existence was important to them. She may have found it to be such a simple gesture, but when the person you’re madly in love with sends you something so thoughtful, it filled me with adrenaline that led to euphoria.
I didn’t know how. I didn’t know when. I just knew she would find a way for us to be together one day. She couldn’t live without my love as much as I couldn’t live without hers. On this day, Anya enlightened me about the true meaning of love, and I never felt so blessed and lucky to have met her. I didn’t know if it was God, the Universe, or both, but for the first time after I graduated from college, it made me give some consideration to all of life’s mysterious possibilities.
The next day I didn’t hear from Anya in the morning, but it didn’t matter because I felt so secure in her feelings for me, and when she did contact me at noon, it made all the sense in the world why I hadn’t heard from her.
12:26 p.m.
“Hi! Well the campus was interesting. Definitely in a bad area, but once you’re on campus it feels safe. Strangest thing but there was a sense of pride throughout. Believe it or not I was impressed. I sat in an AP world history class. Wow! I felt like a dumb s***! It was definitely a college prep program. Their big claim to fame would be academics, sports, and music nationally. Katie is “shadowing” a freshman today. She gets to be a freshman for the day until 2 p.m. I’m anxious to talk to her. They were bragging how Cal-Tech recently came out to meet the PAC program director b/c they were impressed w/the kids they turn out. If Katie gets accepted and she really wants to go, I will let her go. We’ll see.”
I loved every word Anya wrote me as I felt relief she still shared the lives of her kids with me and didn’t hold back. To read this would be Katie’s decision made me feel good that Anya wasn’t putting any undue pressure on her. The PAC program was a nationally recognized program, and although I felt if she got in, Katie should go, I also knew about the stress and pressures involved in such a decision, especially for a teenager. The best part of our lives is childhood and I hated to see Katie deprived of that, but she was also an exceptional student. She seemed to excel at everything she did as the PAC program seemed to be the next best and logical step for her development.
When Anya shared Katie’s life so openly with me, I felt like a huge part of it, and it naturally made me want to be a part of it. Not so I could spew my opinions about her career path, I wasn’t her parent and I didn’t have that right, but just so I could be there for her if she ever needed someone else to come to. Since I knew so much about her, I found myself rooting for her along the way, but sadly just in the background.
After Anya picked up Katie from school, I was anxious to hear about Katie’s take on the it probably as much as her mother did.
2:58 p.m.
“Hmmmm…interesting. It was what she expected. She’s having second thoughts. She’s torn between Adams, the “party school”, and PAC. Her friends are going to Adams.”
ME: “Did she tell you why she is having second thoughts? Did she not like PAC?”
ANYA: “She did like it and didn’t feel unsafe or uncomfortable at all. The Geometry teacher called on her and she did interact! She thinks the PAC kids are “geeks”.”
ME: “Isn’t that the greatest shame? When we’re teenagers, hanging out with “geeks” is considered uncool but then later on in life we come to find out they were actually the cool ones all along. I understand how she feels though. I’d feel the same way if I was her age.”
ANYA: “I feel for her. She knows if she commits she will be w/the same 170 kids for the entire 4 years of high school, plus a rigorous program plus the geek factor.”
ME: “I’m not sure what her goals are but if they are lofty, the PAC program is the right choice. That’s great she interacted with the geometry teacher. I enjoyed Geometry when I was in school.”
ANYA: “Geometry was harder for me than algebra and calculus was cuz I’m a black and white person and the space and relativity didn’t do it for me.”
I was surprised by Anya’s response to being a “black and white” person being in the midst of a relationship with a lot of grey area, or as she put it, space and relativity.
ME: “Would you be disappointed if she chose Adams over PAC? I know she could probably write her way to any college if she chose PAC.”
ANYA: “If she goes to Adams I’ll be okay with it. She’ll just be more distracted. She is bright but she has that “party” girl in her. We’ll see what she chooses.”
Although Anya said she would be “okay” with it, I wasn’t sold on her endorsement. The PAC program was superior though, and I would have wanted the same for Katie if she was my daughter. I would want her to be self sufficient, and not dependent on a man to take care of her. Of course, I’d want her to get married, but she should be her own person, and if she found herself in Anya’s position, be strong willed enough to leave and not stay out of fear. I felt you didn’t have to be a part of any feminist movement to believe women should put themselves in position of empowerment. If they chose a major like gender studies, easy majors just to get a degree, then they will only set themselves back. especially in salary, but if Katie did go through the PAC program, I felt she would be smart enough to choose a career best suited for her empowerment.
ANYA: “What r u up to? It looks like we may get some rain tonight.”
ME: “No plans babe. Hopefully it will rain tomorrow when you’re visiting.”
ANYA: “Btw I only have 20 minutes to visit tomorrow. I have to take the retarded belt test in the morning and I have to be in the office at 11. I’ll try to leave here ASAP tomorrow.”
When I read her message, I felt she contrived it and it left me deflated. I understood being second to her kids, but second to her belt test? It was nice of her to want to stop by to see me, but for only twenty minutes? Why didn’t she tell me this the prior day when she mentioned coming over? Even though we were closer than ever before, I became more sensitive to things such as this than ever before too. How could I be second to a belt test? Couldn’t she reschedule the belt test? I would never tell her how this made me feel, but how could I be below a “retarded” belt test now? Was this her way of trying to find a way out of seeing me?
ME: “Ok. What page are you on now? What r u up to?”
ANYA: “Still on 155. Don’t tell me you passed me! Picking up Andrew then mom duty.”
In that instant the negative emotions began to percolate inside. Wouldn’t “spills” with Carolyn and Debbie distract her and take her away from her kids, too? If she substituted me for these “spills”, why would it be deemed a distraction? She could talk to me about her kids, like I’m sure she did with them. Why only twenty minutes? How did the man whose child she could have carried now finish second to a belt test? Is it a “retarded” belt text because she knew she placed me behind it and tried to dodge the query?
ME: “How I wish I could see u tonight. I hope it rains tomorrow.”
ANYA: “I know babe. Maybe it will.”
The Anya that I knew from yesterday. The one I saw less than twenty four hours ago would have responded with a “me too” in response to my wish. I began to sense her twenty minutes was a gesture of kindness and obligation more than a gesture from the love she held for me. There seemed to be no missing and born more out of obligation than anything she truly wanted to do. When you finished second to a “retarded” belt test, it was time to face the music.
ME: “If it’s too much trouble for you to visit tomorrow, please don’t feel obligated. I’d understand.”
ANYA: “No trouble as long as you don’t mind that it’s going to be short. Just don’t want to stir it up and disappoint you.”
After I read her response I went into shutdown mode. Did she not understand how a statement like such could get under the skin of someone who loved her? These feelings she not only encouraged, but allowed to grow for her to unprecedented levels, yet she still needed time to figure things out. I would have understood her statement much better eleven months ago, but not today, not after all we shared not even one full day ago. Her inconsistency ripped every molecule in me apart as I began to tremble from the emotions as I failed to secure my phone as it crashed into my lap. An hour later, and after I had some time to absorb my disappointment, she sent me a text.
4:35 p.m.
“R u ok?”
I didn’t know how to respond, still hurt by what I felt was a disregard to my heart.
ME: “I’m ok. R u ok?”
ANYA: “Yes I’m ok.”
After I considered the thoughtfulness in her reach out text, I tried to rally against the pain.
ME: “R u suuure you’re ok?”
ANYA: “Yes why?”
ME: “Just wanted to make sure. I miss you.”
ANYA: “I miss you too. Did u think about yesterday? Hard to believe it was just yesterday?”
ME: “I can’t think of anything else. I’m lost in yesterday.”
ANYA: “I know! I had fun yesterday! I’m afraid it might rain tonight.”
ME: “I would rather it not rain tonight.”
ANYA: “How come?”
ME: “I don’t want to miss you more than I already do. Have you thought about yesterday?”
ANYA: “Of course I have! All day! I love it when our faces touch. I feel so close to you.”
ME: “I felt like we were actually married. Did it feel the same way to you or was it just me? I feel closer to you than ever.”
ANYA: “Yes it did. I do feel closer to you, more than ever. I couldn’t stop kissing you. I couldn’t get enough.”
ME: “I just couldn’t stop loving you yesterday, and I didn’t want to stop.”
ANYA: “Me too! Never enough! I love you Landyn!”
ME: “I think I’m going to light a couple of candles in my room, crack my window open so I can hear the rain fall and try to catch up to you in “Twilight”. I wish we could read it together in bed. I love you Anya!”
ANYA: “Awww…sounds heavenly babe.”
As soon as our textversation ended, I did exactly that, but two hours into my session, I didn’t hear a drop of water come from outside, and Anya took notice too.
7:43 p.m.
“Maybe the rain will come later. Maybe at twilight? JK”
ME: “Oh well, it would have been nice!”
ANYA: “What page are you on?”
ME: “I’m on 91. You’re still way ahead of me!”
ANYA: “I bet you’re a fast reader! Katie is super fast. She finished all four books in 2 days!”
ME: “Whaaaaat!!!! I may be able to get through four chapters in 2 days! I think you better give Guinness a call!”
ANYA: “Haha!”
Although I still felt disappointed, she could only stay twenty minutes with me and second to a kickboxing test, I decided to get over it, and be happy I got to see her. I gave her an out and even asked if she was “ok” as I felt selfish if I gave her any grief over it. By the end of the day though, after another personal hiccup, I found it best not to be so sensitive to some disappointments that happened from time to time. If I didn’t have so much free time this week, I wouldn’t have taken it so hard, but I only wanted the time off to spend more time with her. At the same time though, it was wrong to put the burden on her to fill my void, as she was not on vacation herself, yet still made time for me, and for us.
An hour later, the ever elusive rain began to fall so I texted Anya to share it with her.
ME: “It’s raining. I miss you.”
I waited for a response, and checked my phone every ten minutes, but never received a reply. As I laid in my bed and stared into a blank ceiling, I pondered upon how she probably believed I never truly understood a mother’s “sacrifice”, and why she couldn’t reach me. When we first met though, she seemed to forget she told me some things that encouraged me to be in her life. Like she was not in love with her husband. That he betrayed her four times, and she had two kids. And that the only reason she still remained with him was because she had “baggage” and didn’t believe anyone would want to be with her. While she thought I didn’t understand, she seemed to also forget that not one time did I ever hear from her…
“I’m there because my kids trust me to never leave him.”
Not once.
If I had heard that, and I found myself in this position, I deserved her judgment of being unable to understand a mother’s sacrifice. What began to now hurt me was that she never recognized all that she told me. How it contributed to my current role in her life, and how she possibly kissed and missed, just to hide it. All she ever shared with me and all she ever told me, were nothing but loud endorsements for not staying for the sake of the kids. She now knew without the slightest of doubts, she had someone there for her to see her through it all as I proved her wrong every single minute for the last eleven plus months. I did nothing but prove my love yet it seemed my authenticity, and my ability to understand a mother’s sacrifice, was still questioned. As much as she didn’t want to face the truth, the emotional abuse she endured over the years, from the black mind and heart of a man who promised to honor and cherish her until death parted him from her, gave her the power to encourage and allow another man’s feelings to grow for her into a forever kind of love. His gross disrespect of heart even inspired her to tell the other man, on numerous occasions, she wanted to wear his ring and even fantasized about having a child with him. I know she told him “she couldn’t make any promises” but how could she tell him and share with him all the things she did yet it still didn’t carry enough weight for her to make a promise to be with him? A promise to leave was not also a promise to leave her kids, but rather a promise to be honest with them from this day forward and to teach them the true things in life that led to happiness.
I struggled with how could she say things to ignite my heart like “I don’t want you to leave me”, and “I’d rather die than never have you in my life” and “Kids are resilient” and “divorces happen all the time, nothing is impossible”, and “I want to wear your ring”, and “I love you forever”. How could any of those words hold any less weight than a promise to leave would? How come I couldn’t hold her to these very words, taken into consideration all the times we shared together, as much as she held me to her words “I told you I couldn’t promise anything.” In essence, without a promise, she truly only promised to allow my feelings to grow for her, even to the point of no return.
Anya told me months into our relationship that she wasn’t “ambivalent” to her marriage. Why would she tell me such a thing after I had fallen in love with her and not when we first met? But the reality was, after all we’ve shared for over eleven months, how could she not be ambivalent towards her marriage? Is it because Jackson allowed her to have boyfriends and a husband? It just ripped me apart to wonder how she could put her heart and soul into us and still lounge on a fence. To just be around Anya, let alone feel her love, was euphoric, but if I HAD to fully understand and accept this mother’s sacrifice, then her love was a feeling I never wanted to know. And as her presumption of being made to understand her sacrifice, like any other mother’s for their kids, as if there was no differentiation in situations, became clearer, darker, and colder, I verbalized the things I wanted to say about her sacrifice.
“I’m fully aware and can appreciate the sacrifices mothers make for their children, but I question your sacrifice because it is a true sacrifice.” I spoke in desperation to a mirror. “The women that stay in their marriages for the sake of the kids are at the very least still “in love” with their husbands, so where is their true sacrifice made? You’re the only mother who is making a real sacrifice because you found true love, and you’re not in love with your husband. Why wait only to get caught? Why not set an example of truth and love to your children and all those around you? Is the mirage of having a perfect life better than actually having one? One that you lied to me in some way to have? Is it the money that keeps you there? The twenty-eight foot island in your kitchen? Am I just a dreamer? Or am I just stupid enough to believe that love is enough?”
Maybe it was all just too much to ask of her? I knew she loved me, but did she respect me? And if she did respect me, was it enough to not disgrace my heart? I loved her now more than ever. The last two weeks were the best days of our relationship so why did peace fall away from me? Did I have the right to question her? Were these negative emotions rational?
“Refocus” is what I demanded of myself, to get past the holidays then see what happens. She told me “you never know what the future will bring” and I grasped it tightly as she wouldn’t lead me somewhere she wasn’t willing to take me all the way to. We loved each other and would never do that to one another. Not one time did she slow down nor did she ever refrain from seeing me even after Jackson confronted her with my full name, or who he believed to be this Landyn Lastman character was. In fact, how more intense can it be after our pregnancy scare? How could she ever give away something that made her “so happy”? Even though I’d only see her for twenty minutes, and she chose to take her belt test over me, I should be thankful because I didn’t expect to see her the rest of the week. Her visit should be looked upon as a gift, and nothing less. Sunday was our one year anniversary, and I knew the very day we reconnected a year ago, I already knew I loved her. My goal in year two was to bring her home. To get to a point where I could express myself without the fear of losing her. I knew she wanted me as a friend, but to be recognized as just a friend suggested nothing happened between us, and I didn’t choose to be in her life to support her marriage just so she could stay for the sake of the kids, and she knew that from day one, and it’s not because I don’t understand a mother’s sacrifice. It’s because of all she shared with me that I didn’t understand this mother’s sacrifice after she allowed and encouraged me to be in her life this way. A way that also nourished my feelings to grow for her. As much as she wanted me to understand a mother’s sacrifice, she also needed to understand why I felt the way I did. I chose to be in her life so she could leave her marriage in safety as she told me it was the only way she would ever leave. I longed to be with her beyond the end of my days, and it’s why I didn’t understand her sacrifice as I wanted her to wear my ring even more than she wanted to wear it.
The next morning, as I slept my negative thoughts away, and prompted by her no response to my text, I received a message from her.
7:49 a.m.
“Good morning! Did you read last night? Candles and all?”
ME: “Good morning! I did! How r u? Can’t wait to see you later!”
ANYA: “How nice! I’m good! Stepping into KB. Can’t wait to see you too! Did u get my text last night?”
ME: “I didn’t! I didn’t think you texted me back!”
ANYA: “I did!”
Anya then sent me the two texts I failed to receive.
8:31 a.m.
“It’s starting to rain lightly. I miss you too. Have a goodnight baby. I love you.”
8:31 a.m.
“It’s raining. Goodnight. I miss you too.”
When I saw the second one, a tear raced down my cheek as I felt so bad for her, how she must have felt like I ignored her to send another one that said the same thing, in a less romantic tone. It always broke my heart to imagine her at home in front of her kids feeling anything close to what I did the previous night. It was easy for me to grieve, but for Anya it was much tougher. Her silence last night, after I told her “I miss you”, left me to think she found my text a distraction and that I didn’t understand the sacrifice she made for her children, which prompted my internal rebuke. The unknown variable, the massive indiscernible hole I felt when she was not with me, often deceived me too, as it blinded me to those three things you never gave up on in this life, hopes, wishes and dreams. With empathy, I feared she felt a hole in her heart last night because I never responded to her loving texts, a hole much larger than mine.
The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.
Before Anya arrived, I tidied up my place like usual, but left my bedroom untouched as we wouldn’t have enough time together to mess around. At around ten thirtyish, Anya arrived at the gate as we rushed into my apartment so we could shower affection upon each other for as long as we could before she had to leave. With about five minutes left on the clock, and with her sweet eyes in my own, she began to share the latest celebrity news.
“Babe, Madonna and A-Rod are dating now.”
“Really? The “Material Girl” is with A-Rod now? Wasn’t she just with Tupac?” I asked.
“She was with Tupac?”
“She’s with everybody, babe!”
“Oh no she’s not!” she said. “Rumor has it they are in a chateau somewhere.”
“Damn. They must be going at it like rabbits.” I teased.
“You think so?”
“Are you kidding me? Madonna is a sex fiend!” I exclaimed.
“How would you know?”
“Because everybody knows!”
“Well, Madonna’s people are by her side.” she said.
“That’s good to know.” I said as it made me fantasize about Anya’s people by her side with me. It bummed me out to think, here Anya and I were truly in love, and not in lust like A-Rod and Madonna in a chateau somewhere, yet people would never stand by our side.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t be here earlier, but I had to take the green belt test otherwise I’d have to take it two months from now with the yellow group.”
“I understand, babe.” I said halfheartedly.
I didn’t want her to feel bad about the belt test, and I didn’t want to set her back even though I felt second to her test, but at the same time, she could have just went home and not visited at all especially with it being for only twenty minutes.
Anya’s visit actually lasted twenty-five minutes, but in all fairness it was the day before Thanksgiving, and to be honest, the last time I was this thankful about anything during this time of year was at least twenty five years ago. My day, whether on vacation or not, could only go downhill when her beautiful self left me, as I felt deflated when she reentered back into her realm of reality.
A few hours later though, she reminded me why my heart bled for her so.
1:57 p.m.
“Miss u.”
ME: “Miss u so much, Anya. Thanks for the text. It means a lot because it shows me you know how I’m feeling right now.”
I had a lot to be thankful for on this Thanksgiving holiday. For the first time in my life, during this time of year, I felt love and its splendor, like a ten year old kid filled with hope and wonder. My love for Anya, all I felt for her, was nothing short of a miracle as I never trusted I’d ever meet someone who felt the same way about me. And even though we couldn’t be together, I also knew she was with me.
ANYA: “I get you baby and you get me. I miss your face close to mine.”
ME: “We totally get each other, babe. I miss looking into your eyes and having you in my arms. I miss your soft and deep kisses. I miss your scent. I just really wanted to take all of you in today. I love you forever.”
ANYA: “Awww. I love you forever.”
If I didn’t get her, I wouldn’t have made the choice to remain in her life. I knew how it felt to have someone shatter your trust; not on the level Anya experienced, but that empathy brought me close to her. No woman, no wife, and no mother should ever have to go through life with an emotionally abusive husband. Now if Anya had not approached me at Sonomas and didn’t tell me I broke her heart after I walked away, I’d feel differently. I would even advise her to stay for the kids, but not when her actions brought us both to this beautiful yet horrifying place. Staying with her tormentor, where the disease truly lied, was not the right thing to do for anyone’s sake, and I planned to challenge her on this one day as I felt I stockpiled all the ammo she gave me every day for over nearly a year.
4:51 p.m.
“Whatcha doin?”
ME: “Thinking about you! Reading “Twilight”. I’m going to pass you up, babe. What r u up to?”
ANYA: “Wow! Is that a challenge?”
ME: “If it looks like a challenge, and smells like a challenge, it might be a challenge!”
ANYA: “Don’t challenge me baby! Having a spill w/Debbie telling her how much I miss you.”
ME: “Well, don’t forget to tell Debbie how much I miss you too so she gets both sides of the story! Enjoy your spill time, babe. Please tell Debbie I said hello. In the meantime, I’ll be here passing you up.”
ANYA: “Oh no! I won’t have time this weekend to read! U’ll definitely pass me up! Thank you, babe!”
Although I was bummed she met Debbie for a “spill” simply because I could only get twenty five minutes of her time earlier, I had to remember Jackson was suspicious, and it really was the only way she could get away from the kids for a bit so she could talk to me. I didn’t find it fair to judge her for that on a Friday night. The combination of stress, fatigue and the constant longing was tough on my mind at times as I tried to remember I was wrong about her not texting me the previous night.
Later that Thanksgiving eve, the best one I ever had, Anya messaged me to let me know what her and Debbie talked about.
8:05 p.m.
“I miss you so much.”
ME: “I miss you beyond all possibilities to miss someone.”
ANYA: “I feel the same way. Reading?”
ME: “I’m actually toying around with my guitar a little bit. R u cooking?”
ANYA: “Toying around with your guitar? I’d love to hear you play! Yes, I’m cooking.”
ME: “I would love to play for you, but when I said “toying”, I really meant it. I’m not very good. I’d really need to practice more.”
ANYA: “Ok keep practicing! You can play something for me when you’re ready!”
ME: “Thanks for the motivation! I’ll keep practicing! How’s Debbie? How was the spill?”
ANYA: “She’s good. Debbie was commenting on how much she liked my outfit today and she asked me if you liked it. I told her I didn’t think you noticed. I thought about that. Though I know what you look like, and I have studied your face, I don’t know the details of your body and clothes. It doesn’t matter b/c I love you. Do you feel the same way?”
I found it remarkable she never thought I noticed what she wore. I had no one to blame but myself for that simply because I stopped telling her how nice she looked. The truth was, she looked so beautiful each and every time, I didn’t think she’d trust me if I told her that each and every time. She always, each and every time her beauty graced my eyes, she left me stunned, and I loved that I felt a spark around her every time. Most women when they got comfortable with men seemed to dress down as they gained comfort in the relationship. It made me feel like they didn’t care what men thought or they just took them for granted. Anya showed she cared how she presented herself whenever she saw me. She didn’t have to look beautiful every time, she could have dressed down and I’d still love her the same, but it was just nice to know she cared about the way she looked around me even when the clothes I wore paled in comparison. She always looked spectacular, and little did she know, I paid attention to the all the beautiful details.
ME: “That’s very interesting, babe. I do notice and today particularly I was really self-conscious about the way I looked today. I didn’t want to mention anything because not only do you always look beautiful, but I didn’t want to bring attention to how I was dressed. I must admit, I do notice little details, and I love your style. It totally drew me to you since day one. I even love your gym wear! I noticed your outfit, even your boots, the necklace and earrings you wore and even the glitter in your eyes. You always look so beautiful, but I think it’s redundant to tell you the obvious. Every time we’ve met or gotten together, you show me a different variation of your beauty, and I notice it all babe.”
ANYA: “That’s interesting b/c it didn’t matter to me how you were dressed. Idk if you have marks or scars on your body. Idk if you walk funny. Idk what your feet look like. Idk a lot but it doesn’t matter cuz I know your heart and mind.”
As Anya revealed her thoughts, it brought me back to the time I had a conversation with my mother about Denise after she broke up with me. I told her I believed the bone on my leg freaked her out and it was the reason she left me for another. My mother then told me something I didn’t believe at the time; that if someone truly loved you, that wouldn’t have mattered. Anya’s words scared me a bit simply because she didn’t know the details of my body, and therefore loved me because just like Denise, she didn’t know about the extra bone on my leg. What if she discovered it like Denise and she too felt differently? That once she learned about the details of my body, she would stay with Jackson? Although these were legitimate concerns, I also felt confident enough that she loved me too much to let it affect her as Denise and I never experienced all Anya and I did. It was easy for Denise to detach herself from me without much emotional investment, but at the same time, I knew the day would come when Anya would feel the bump on my leg, if she hadn’t already. But I didn’t particularly know the details of Anya’s body as well, but I felt exactly the same way, that it didn’t matter because I knew her heart and mind.
ME: “I check you out often, babe. I’m just discreet about it. I wouldn’t be so attracted to you if I didn’t know your body on some level.”
ANYA: “You do? How do you do that? I don’t notice you noticing me. Ur sneaky!”
ME: “I don’t want to be disrespectful about it, babe. I don’t want you to get the impression that’s all that matters to me. It’s impossible not to check you out though, and you ALWAYS look beautiful to me!”
ANYA: “Ahhh you’re sweet.”
ME: “I’m not trying to be sweet babe, I’m just being honest. I just hope you don’t think I’m perfect. I’m not.”
ANYA: “Of course I’m not perfect either! Btw u don’t walk funny do you? JK!”
ME: “You didn’t know I had a peg leg? Wow, I can’t believe I got that past you! Good thing you’ll take me with a wooden leg since I have one and all! You still love me, right?”
ANYA: “Haha! No, I didn’t! Yes, I do love you How do you notice when I only see u look into my eyes? I’ve never seen you check me out. You’re good!”
ME: “Do you really believe I’ve never checked you out before? The times you approached me at Sonomas. When you led me to my bedroom I was behind you, remember? Times you enter and leave my car when we meet for tea? The time we met at Maestro’s when you tried to break up with me because you loved me? I was still sitting there when you left and my eyes didn’t leave you when you walked away from me! The time I rescued you in Laguna Beach? There’s countless times I’ve checked you out! Thanks, now I feel creepy!”
ANYA: “Haha! I’ve only walked next to u or in front of u. Never behind. I’m sure you have a normal gait! Do you have ten toes? JK!”
ME: “Ha! You’re killing me over here! Rest assured I’ve checked you out before. I wouldn’t have called you “beautiful” if I didn’t. It’s an accurate description of you from the bottom of my heart, gathered from all the times I’ve checked you out.”
ANYA: “Aww babe thank you. It’s still so amazing to me how much we love each other.”
ME: “It shouldn’t babe. You’re very special to me. I just hope you know you always look great in my eyes. Even though you wear clothes designed by someone else, you have a style all your own. If anyone should wonder if they ever get checked out, it should be me! You used to comment on what I dressed but then stopped so I figured you probably didn’t like what I was wearing, so I can understand how you thought I didn’t notice what you wore today, but I did, and I do every time I see you. Like I said I need to revamp my wardrobe, or lack thereof to try and keep pace with you.”
ANYA: “You always look cute and I love you in black. I guess I stopped b/c as I started falling more in love with you, what you wore became less important to me.”
ME: “Thank you, babe. Our love is mature b/c we love each other for the right reasons.”
ANYA: “I agree baby. I better get back to it or I’ll be up all night cooking! Goodnight. I love you.”
I revealed more of myself to Anya than anyone else before. With the exception of one body detail, one I thought she knew about until our current textversation, Anya knew me as well as I knew myself, and I never felt safer with another person, so much so, I was willing to open myself up to her even more. I thought maybe this moment presented a good time to tell her about the bone on my leg, since we were on the subject, as I felt somewhat like a fraud now after I revisited my experience with Denise. I didn’t think it would be an issue because the truth was I could just have it removed if it bothered her at all, but I should at least consider being honest with her about it if it bothered Denise so much.
ME: “I want you to know the details of my body intimately. I do have insecurities about my body that have affected my self-esteem so I’ve been hesitant to open myself up fully to you about it.”
ANYA: “Really? I’m sorry babe. I love your body b/c I love you.”
Well, maybe another time, I thought as I remembered the stark difference between Denise and Anya; Denise never loved me. It didn’t mean I’d never tell Anya, I’m sure I would because I didn’t want to be a fraud even though we were naked together so many times in bed, how could she not know? I also made conscious efforts though to move my leg in a way she wouldn’t feel it, and be turned off, but in actuality it was just a bone, a regular part of the human body, just an extra part of me. Although I could have it removed, and it would be a non-issue, I wanted to be loved for the right reasons, as I used it as sort of a defense mechanism to weed out the superficial women from the ones who loved me for me, but I had to admit, I didn’t have many women in my life so whenever I lost one due to this subconscious technique, who knew when I’d see one again. With Anya, if she were to leave me over it, I’d rather remove myself than the bone because I don’t think I’d trust anyone enough again to go through the process.
On Thursday, November 27th, 2008, Thanksgiving Day, forever the formal announcement of the holiday season, I never felt happier in life. My mother usually had a Thanksgiving dinner as she cooked throughout the entire day for us. I ate stuffing only once a year, never certain what it contained but her stuffing never disappointed. She also filled a small ceramic bowl of green olives that I emptied almost on my own. She decided to cook ham with the turkey when five years earlier I dumped an entire cannister of gravy on it to kill the dryness. Everything my mother put together for us, cranberry sauce, homemade stuffing, black and green olives, mashed and sweet potatoes, turkey and ham, made it all worth the grace she usually said before we ate. I couldn’t believe God gave us this meal, when it was the sweat my Dad gave that provided it to us.
That morning Anya sent me a text.
10:37 a.m.
“Happy Turkey Day!”
I responded in kind, and as much as I wanted to talk with her, I felt I would only be a “distraction”, especially on a day reserved for family. I hoped to shut down my emotions. To not hurt so much so I could be normal at home, like Anya did. My week long vacation was sorely needed to regroup and rethink. Not to rethink my feelings for Anya, but to find a way to handle them better. The stress and fatigue from my job, mixed in with my need for her, distorted my emotions. For instance, when I didn’t hear back from her the other night, I jumped to conclusions, even believed she didn’t truly love me, only to find out she responded to my “I miss you” text, but I never received them. This break helped me to take a step back and not get too high or too low, but the highs were so naturally extreme, that the lows felt the same way. Without the stress and fatigue, I could focus on the positive as I had the time to sleep my worries off if I had to. I needed Anya to understand that women who still loved their husbands, who were not in love with other men, were not making any sacrifices to stay for the sake of the kids.
When I got to the house, my mom bustled through the kitchen, while my dad mowed the back yard lawn. We usually had my Grandfather, my dad’s father, over for Thanksgiving and my mom’s two brothers over, so there would be six of us. My dad always wanted the yards to look clean and nice whenever we had company so my mom usually handled all kitchen duties. She usually kicked me out of it when she cooked so I decided not to bother her much. She asked me how her hair looked again and I told her once more I didn’t notice because it always looked the same to me. as I felt more perplexed each time she asked me. I then went in her room to watch a movie and saw a full bottle of Vicodin on her dresser. I had forgotten all about the pills and hadn’t taken one in a long time so I decided to take three of them without telling my mother and washed one of them down to relax. I then felt my phone vibrate against my leg.
2:17 a.m.
“Missing u.”
When I read her text, it brought an instant smile to my face as I responded in kind. Anya just had no idea how much those texts meant to me as they brought me instant life and trust in her feelings for me. Thanksgiving Day was harder than I expected it to be as I wished she could be with me. I then wondered how much better my life would be if we were at the table somewhere together, if life felt this great even without her here. My days were no longer dreadful, but blessed with Anya in my life as I couldn’t imagine I ever lived without her for so long. Although we were physically apart at the moment, it seemed we were never more together as her love shone through for me during my week break. As I laid down on my mother’s bed with my phone in hand, she walked in suddenly.
“Hey. What’s going on?” she asked.
“Just talked to Anya.” I said.
“How is she?” she asked as she plopped down in the faded pink recliner next to her bed. “I’m pooped.”
“She’s good.” I said. “Are you almost done?”
“Pretty close.” she said. “Just waiting for the turkey to cook.”
“What time is dinner?”
“Four.”
“Four?” I asked. “That’s early don’t you think?”
“Grandpa goes to bed early. He’s ninety-two now, you know.”
“Oh.” I remembered.
“We have pumpkin pie for desert…with whipped cream, too.”
“Can’t turn that down.”
“I think the chemo is wiping me out.” she said. “I’m so tired. I had treatment yesterday.”
“How many have you had?”
“Three.” she said.
“Have they made any progress?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I have a scan next month so we’ll more then.”
“I see.”
“How’s life, Hon? Is Anya celebrating Thanksgiving with her family today?”
“She is.” I confirmed. “Life hasn’t been better, Mom.”
“You haven’t been around as much.”
“I’ve been pretty wrapped up with work.” I informed her. “They’re going to announce my partner promotion to the entire firm at the Christmas party next month.”
“Oh, how nice! I’m so happy for you Honey! You deserve if for all your hard work. God is good!”
“Thanks. Yeah, who knows? Maybe He isn’t so bad.”
“You just have to let Him in your life.”
“Yeah.” I said to pacify her.
As good as my life was, I wasn’t convinced it was God’s doing. I did all the work. What evidence existed that his hand played in it? How could my belief in Him make things work out better for me? I was doing pretty good on my own. I respected my mother’s belief in and love she had for God. It worked for her, but all I ever saw was all the love for God and all this belief she had in him, only brought her cancer. That was her reward for loving God? Wasn’t he supposed to be a savior? Why would he give her Cancer when she loved Him so much? I didn’t understand her devotion to Him. In my opinion, He let her down, bigtime, in fact He pretty much deceived her.
I still harbored feelings of anger towards God for some things that didn’t make sense in my life, as I waited for any sign that He existed because all I saw was his hand in a lot of things that went wrong in my life. His Christian followers weren’t much better as they seemed to never practice what they preached. As much as I didn’t believe, I also didn’t want to take anything away from my mother that helped get her through each day.
After a delicious dinner, and the need for a few extra workout days at the gym, I drove home alone under the stars and thought about how Anya’s Thanksgiving Day panned out. She sent me another text just before dinner, to let me know she was thinking of me and to enjoy the time with my family. Days like this thought put fear in my heart, as Anya spent a special kind of moment day with her kids which undoubtedly increased her “torn” feelings about us. When I never heard back from her for the rest of the evening, my only option was to go to sleep earlier than usual before the fear hear of a silent “Black Friday” overtook my ability to sleep. That night, as I tossed restlessly at times as I fought back the pain of not having her in my arms, I had a strange dream about seeing her at the mall. A dream that forced myself from my slumber in fear I would forget the details of it.
The next morning when Anya sent me a text, I hoped for the chance to share the dream I had with her.
10:16 a.m.
“I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving Day. I really miss you.”
ME: “I did. How was your Thanksgiving? Are you going shopping today? I really miss you too.”
When I sent her my text, I did so reluctantly, in complete apprehension and fear in what I might read.
ANYA: “It was ok. Missed you the whole night just wishing. Actually, Katie and I already did! It was crowded especially Bloomie’s!”
ME: “Good for you! Seems like you can’t beat the crowds at any time on Black Friday! I thought about you all day yesterday wishing I could be with you too.”
ANYA: “I knew this holiday season was going to be hard on me.”
ME: “It’s crazy you mentioned you were at the mall with Katie earlier. I had a really interesting dream last night. It seemed so real.”
ANYA: “A dream?”
ME: “I had a dream I ran into you and Katie having lunch. When I saw you both, you asked me to come over to join you. You then introduced me to Katie and walked away to leave Katie and I alone together. Katie turned to me and asked “How is your writing coming along?” and it stunned me. I asked Katie “Your mom talks about me to you?”, and she told me “All the time.””
ANYA: “Wow! That is an interesting dream! I wish.”
ME: “I woke up and couldn’t believe it was just a dream. As crazy as it must sound to you, it seemed so real.”
ANYA: “I love that dream.”
ME: “Me too.”
To read Anya loved that dream made me feel good she responded positively to it. It was such a simple thing, to meet her kids one day, but I felt that good about us lately as I hoped one day this dream of mine would morph into reality.
Our conversation however morphed into one about another kind of fiction.
ANYA: “How do you like the book so far? I’m going to try to pick it back up today.”
ME: “It’s okay so far. I’m hoping it picks up a little, but it makes me think of us when I read it though, so I’m enjoying it purely on that aspect alone. It makes me miss you more!”
ANYA: “Ha I know! I miss you so much!”
On a day I feared I wouldn’t hear from her often, she texted me again to show me how irrational my fear truly was, like all of them seemed to be lately.
12:22 p.m.
“I love you.”
Again, I couldn’t conceive Anya truly realized how much texts like this meant to me. It showed me I was in this for all the right reasons and gave me more of a reason to focus and build on the positive energy between us. When we were apart now, after we’ve become so much closer, to say it was difficult to remain positive would be like calling what happened on nine-eleven a fraternity prank. I ached to be with her I felt it physically. I yearned for her to leave just so I’d have the peace of mind to know when I’d see her again. The fact she hadn’t promised me up to this point was both good and bad. Good in the sense that she wanted to be a woman of her word, which I respected, and bad in the sense it wouldn’t allow me to feel fully secure when we were apart. She could have texted me “I love you” all day long, and I’m not saying she didn’t mean it and it didn’t mean a lot to me, but a promise carried much more weight as it gave “I love you” credibility. With a promise, I’d never have to bed within to see an “I love you” text come my way; I’d have the ultimate evidence of love for me within her promise. On this day however, I felt really good about us, and that a promise laid right around the bend. It just didn’t seem possible at this point for her to share so much of herself with me to only go back to her marriage. The love was greater than ever between us and she confided in me way too much about everything between them, more than she ever did. She had no reason to betray our love and throw all what we’ve shared away, let alone bring us this far for nothing.
Two hours after she sent me her last text, she sent me another.
2:24 p.m.
“How r u? What r u up to?”
ME: “I’m reading “Twilight”. Thinking about you. I miss you, babe.”
ANYA: “I miss u too. Haven’t stopped missing you. I miss your face. Going to read too.”
I thought Anya just texted me to check in, and that was it, but it seemed when she missed me, she meant it.
ANYA: “How was dinner last night? I’m still full!”
ME: “Me too! My mom sent me home with leftovers too! What did you have to eat? I know you didn’t have turkey on Turkey Day!”
ANYA: “Haha! Well I had appetizers, salad, yams, mashed and scalloped potatoes, green beans and of course wine! No desert tho.”
ME: “No desert? How did you do it? Love scalloped potatoes! Did you prepare all that by yourself?”
ANYA: “No had help from friends. I miss u baby. It’s torture.”
Torture; the perfect description of what we both felt when her life parted us. As much as it pained her, both of our hands were tied by her as she bound herself to this pain. I didn’t want her to struggle, it broke my heart but at the same time I wanted her to only for the reason she would be more inclined to end her pain and promise me to leave Jackson.
ME: “If you have a window and you can get away for a little bit, I’d meet you anywhere babe. I’d always find a way to see you. I miss you just as bad.”
ANYA: “I know you would. I wish I could but the kids are off and it’s really hard to get away. For instance, Andrew wants me to go bike riding then baking then movies, etc.”
ME: “I totally understand. I just don’t want you to struggle so if there’s a way, I’m available. Just don’t want you to think I’m not there for you when you have a hard time. I’m always here for you. I know I can’t be your number one, but you’re always my number one.”
ANYA: “I want to see you everyday.”
Her text caught me by surprise as it told me “I love you” without saying so. I read her “I want to see you everyday” proclamation more than just a few times as it went straight to by heart, not only in disbelief but also in triumph. I wanted to see her everyday too which made it even more torturous to be apart. Now I knew why Anya felt the holidays would be hard on her, she was not only tied down, but had to face the folks with love for another in her heart and mind. If I had known we would be at this point, apart even when together, I would have never gotten involved. Not just for my own heart’s sake but for hers as well. I didn’t want her to carry these strong feelings for me and inside keep a secret from her kids. I couldn’t imagine how hard that was on a mother, but I blamed Jackson for it. He put her in a state to feel so unloved that when she found love in another place, he knew it would be a place away from her own children. What was Anya’s crime in life? Wanting to feel and be truly loved? Why was she made to suffer? Why did she deserve to be judged after all Jackson had done to leave her within a cursed marriage? Why would God put her, or anyone like her, through this pain? Essentially, He gave her another form of Cancer, like He allowed my mother to have. How do I save this woman from herself?
I had to fight all the negativity. I had to hide all the pain I felt at times. All the times that led me to question if she truly loved me. If Anya were to lose our love, we would never recover, but at least she had kids who relied on her to fall back on. What was my reason to live without her? What also drove me mad at times, is that my own pain blinded me to her struggle, and that hurt just as much as anything else did. I wanted to see her everyday too, and I didn’t know how long we could keep this up without being able to. We had gotten too close, and something just had to give. I had to convince her to leave more than ever, but I had to do it with love, not pressure, a hard thing to do when I felt so much about everything around us that tried to thwart us too.
ME: “If I could see you everyday, I would. Just know I’m always here for you. I love you.”
ANYA: “I know babe. Thank you. I love you too.”
I understood Anya’s struggle more than she realized. I didn’t want her kids to ever “find” her or Jackson out, but it upset me to know, he did know. Instead of giving her an opportunity for happiness, something he raped from her, he rejoiced in her struggle as if he had always been faithful. All the times he disrespected her by checking out other women in her presence, all the times he ran around on her, all the times he made her feel “safe” by leaving her sick on a cruise ship and telling her he would “trade her in for 2 twenty year olds when she turned 40” didn’t add up to my understanding if she chose marriage over our love for any reason. And he was going to fight for her? What was he going to fight for when he had already lost her? You mean he would fight for her continued misery? It’s as if Hitler suddenly self proclaimed himself to be Shakespeare. Anya never returned his “I love you”’s because she simply didn’t trust them. She knew he had no idea what love was and what it meant. It was I who showed her its true meaning, and I couldn’t fathom, even for the sake of the kids, she was going back to his ways of deception after all she learned from our love.
Later that evening, she sent me a text to let me know what she was up to.
6:02 p.m.
“Book is getting better. On page 200! Got out of taking Andrew to the movies. He decided he’d rather hang. Thank God!”
ME: “You’re way ahead of me! What movie did he want to see?”
ANYA: “The new Bond movie. Can’t remember the name. Ha! U wouldn’t tell me if you were ahead cuz you’re too nice!”
ME: “This isn’t one of those times because I really am 48 pages behind!”
Anya always went the extra mile for her kids. If Andrew wanted money wallpaper, he got four walls of it. Often times I felt she went out of her way to never say no, and it bothered me not because Andrew didn’t deserve to do everything he wanted, but because I didn’t think it prepared him for the times when life would tell him no. But from my point of view though, it would have been easier to prepare them for a divorce if they knew life wasn’t always fair. Part of my struggle with Anya, was that it seemed whatever Katie and Andrew wanted, Katie and Andrew received. When I was their age, I was lucky to receive any of the things I wanted yet I survived and it wasn’t the end of the world although at the time it felt that way. I knew Anya didn’t want her kids to hate her or to disappoint them, and of course, I didn’t want them to hate her or feel disappointed too, but I also wanted them to respect the decisions she made for them both. To know they were number one to her, that the decisions she made for them were in their best interest, and they were both dearly loved regardless if she chose to leave their father. When Anya texted “Thank God” Andrew decided to hang out at the house instead of going to the movies, if she couldn’t swing all he wanted to do, why didn’t she lay down the law with him? She baked. She biked. She played catch. Why did she fear so much to tell him we could only do two of the three things if she felt too tired to do them? Anya was a good mother, but she was important too, and sometimes being a good parent meant saying “no” too every once in a while. I knew my mother had no problem telling me “no” so it led me to believe if she was in competition with Jackson in regards to them. Did she fear if he divorced her that they would choose to stay with him over her and that’s why she bent over backwards for them? This was the gray area that bred these certain dynamics so I couldn’t be to critical without consideration of them in play.
As I considered these other things, Anya began to give me a glimpse into what laid ahead for me in the book.
6:19 p.m.
“He starting to show how much he cares for her.”
ME: “Are you trying to ruin it for me? Is that the goal babe? JK!”
ANYA: “Haha! Please tell me when you catch up.”
I didn’t believe there was any catching up to Anya any time soon as she seemed to be a fast reader, but she kept score anyway thirty minutes later.
6:53 p.m.
“Are you reading? On 222!”
ME: “I’m reading, babe. Candlelight and all. On page 194! Your text scared me because my phone suddenly vibrated against my side. I guess I was lying on top of it.”
ANYA: “Sometimes I lay my phone on my tummy waiting for it to vibrate when I’m lying down. I’d put it close to my chest, close to my heart but it doesn’t exactly lay flat.”
ME: “I usually lay my phone on my chest, over my heart when I’m in bed when I think about you!”
ANYA: “Ha! That’s funny! I would if I could. Uneven surface!”
ME: “See, that’s another reason I didn’t check the female box. I couldn’t lay my phone on my chest.”
ANYA: “That’s hardly a good enough reason!”
ME: “Sometimes I just have to lay it down away from me b/c I get sad when it doesn’t vibrate. Then I’ll close my eyes and fall asleep to forget and when I wake up there’s usually a text from you. I know that must sound weird, but I love you.”
ANYA: “No it doesn’t sound weird. I know the feeling though you’re more free to text me than I am to text you. When I wake up to see a text from you it’s like a present!”
ME: “I kiss my phone sometimes when I get texts from you!”
ANYA: “Aww babe. That’s sweet.”
ME: “I had no idea getting a text from me was like receiving a present. I love texting you at night. You’re all I think about.”
ANYA: “You’re all I think about too.”
The Anya that texted me on this night seemed to open up more than ever before, as it provided me with an opportunity to exchange a more meaningful dialogue with her.
ME: “I really love to share my feelings with you. There’s just not enough room in my heart to contain all of them.”
ANYA: “Our love is the kind of love every girl should experience at least once. It’s the kind of love I never knew existed. It’s the kind of love you can be you without fear.”
ME: “I think it should be the kind of love every girl should have and not just experience. Our hearts are so in synch. It’s such a great feeling to share feelings with someone who doesn’t judge you because they are too busy feeling the same way. Never had that before.”
ANYA: “I love sharing feelings with you too because it’s mutual therefore it’s safe. No judgment.”
ME: “Well, I never thought I’d meet someone who wore their heart on their sleeve like I do. We still wear our heart on our sleeves even after the hurt we have felt in our lives. I think that speaks volumes about how much we love and trust each other.”
ANYA: “I agree babe. Amazingly, it didn’t take me long to let down my guard and trust you. Didn’t think I’d be able to trust again.”
ME: “It’s our connection, babe. We get each other.”
ANYA: “We do. I love you.”
ME: “You can always trust me with your heart. I dream about taking good care of it for you one day until all the days end and beyond. I love you too.”
ANYA: “No doubt I could. Aww babe. What’s to become of us? I fear both ways.”
During our most romantic text exchange, just before I could revel in the moment, she asked what would become of us. During the last twenty minutes, I thought she had it all figured out. That it was all starting to make sense to her. That our love was too real and too true to wonder what would become of it too.
I felt it all came down to one thing, and one thing only. The one thing you had to believe and trust in. The one thing that conquered all.
ME: “I guess it depends on how much you believe in love.”
A belief in love. What else could hold love back?
ANYA: “Hmmm…not solely.”
ME: “What are your thoughts, babe?”
ANYA: “You know the story, my children.”
I wouldn’t have fallen deeply in love with Anya if she didn’t struggle with how it would affect her kids, and that’s the truth. I loved the fact she didn’t cast them aside and run right to me. Being with her that way wouldn’t have made me happy. I needed all Katie and Andrew as well, and not just Anya as it wouldn’t work out with just one but rather all three of them. I didn’t want to disagree with her. She had the right to feel the way she did, but I was her night vision glasses, and she leaned on me to help her see things from a different angle. Like any other person who fell in love with someone, they fell in love with a new vision of the same world; a world they could never see before they met.
I meant no disrespect to Katie and Andrew by fighting for their mother, I felt my actions were noble simply because the way Anya’s life was one filled with stress and unhappiness. I also felt her life could be cut unnecessarily short, and I wanted both Katie and Andrew to maximize the number of years they had their mother, the person who held them inside her before they breathed this world’s air. My mother ate healthy too, yet she couldn’t evade Cancer, and a huge part of my fight for Anya was subconsciously within my internal struggle to cope with my own mother’s illness. Jackson could never understand Anya’s struggle, whether he had the time to or not. I was certain he loved his children, but I think he loved himself more than anything else, which wasn’t a bad thing as long as humility was involved, but I didn’t see it. I hated to rebuke Anya’s feelings, but for the love of life, for her life in particular, I had to.
I was in her life for this reason.
ME: “I feel if you truly believe in our love, and its importance to have in life then you’re willing to take a chance.”
I waited for a response that would more than likely ruin the romantic feelings we just shared, as I hoped she would say something that didn’t make me disagree with her.
ANYA: “I think about it every day, every hour, every minute, every second…”
She responded with an open mind, one of hope, not of fear and consistent with all we just shared with each other as she went against the grain, and even what I prepared myself for.
ME: “Do you ever get the impression a lot of love songs that were written have been about two lovers in our situation?”
ANYA: “Yes why?”
ME: “I was listening to the “love” station on my car radio the other day and it just seemed like it in every song that came on. When you listen to that station do you feel the same way?”
ANYA: “All the time.”
ME: “There was a Bryan Adams song you told me to listen to and the lyrics said “You would be willing to risk everything for love” or something close to that anyway. The point is besides it being a really good song, I think it carries the truth about love. I just think you really have to believe in it. The greatest thing about that song for me is that you told me to listen to it. I would have never known of it if it hadn’t come from you. I believe in your love for me and I know you believe in my love for you. I just don’t know if you can put much faith in it when it has brought you so much pain, hence the fear, and of course, Katie & Andrew. I guess the way I see it is why put your entire heart and soul into this, the way you do every day, and not take a chance?”
My response to Anya’s belief that it took more than just a belief in love left her in a state of silence. Why go this far, to feel all she felt, the good and the bad, and not be willing to take a chance? It was a good question especially when I threw in the narrative of the song she asked me to listen to that spoke the same truth. “for love you would be willing to risk everything”. If Anya and I only had a physical relationship, and our “love” was predicated only upon that, I understood better how she felt, but we had a deep emotional connection as well, an undeniable bond, so I felt if she truly loved me, she would also have to believe in the goodness of our love, which in turn I felt there was zero chance of the kids being hurt by it in a life destructive way. I felt if she truly believed in our love, and its goodness, only good could come out of her leaving Jackson. If she didn’t truly believe in our love, the only reason she put her heart and soul into this was to fill the void left by Jackson, something I made clear in the very beginning I didn’t want to fill before I decided to give her the only reason why she hadn’t left him yet.
ME: “Do you have any thoughts, babe?”
ANYA: “Just listening and taking it all in. Back to thinking…”
ME: “I love you forever.”
ANYA: “I love you forever.”
I didn’t know if Anya felt with my belief that love was the answer, that I also discounted how her kids would be affected. It’s the way Anya loved me that gave me the strong beliefs I had. She told me Lance the romantic singer left her because she had kids, not because she told him she couldn’t be with him because of her kids. She told me all she needed was someone to be there for her, to know she was loved in order for her to leave. She even wanted me to listen to the Bryan Adams song I quoted the lyrics to. How could she communicate these things to me and when I pointed them out to her, believe I discounted how much her kids would be affected? She asked me to fight for her and I’ve done that every day for the last year. It really did depend on love and if she believed in it. If she did, she could only be drawn to the goodness in it, not the bad. I saw a lot of people with kids who left for a lot less than Anya would be leaving for. Her love was the most beautiful thing I ever experienced but if she didn’t truly believe in it, I would only be fooling myself and ourselves. I needed to know her love truly stood for “I love you, forever.”
I then decided to look up the exact lyrics of the song and text them to her, to give her a little more to think about.
“When you love someone- you’ll sacrifice.
You’d give it everything you got and you won’t think twice.
You’d risk it all – no matter what may come.
When you love someone.”
The lyrics to the very song she asked me to listen to as I waited for her response the next morning.