-River’s Kiss,- one of them says, holding up a hand and gently pinching the air, enunciating slowly. -A delicate flavor.-
-It’s not bad, but the name is poetic. Romantic,- another says, lightly sipping his black tea.
-“River’s Kiss”... Seed? Nut?- I ask. -Or is that the name of the broth?-
-River’s Kiss Fruit is the name of the nut,- one drunk bastard says in time to some song I don’t know, raising and lowering a finger in cadence while staring down at fuck all.
-Why “Fish Spit”?- I side-eye them, wanting to get a heads up on what the fack.
-It can get really thick,- one of them chortles, eyes opening wide as they set down their cup.
-Like shiver thorn jelly?- I was surprised at how thick that shiz got.
-You have shiver thorn jelly?-
Shit, did I just tell them free booze for life? ‘Cause there’s not. I know the value of this shit. They’re useful guests? I give treats. I pay well? Be more useful, get more shiz!
I listen as they reminesce about shiver thorn jelly treats. Apparently you can set jelly in a room below River Oak, and the strangling vine will drain the moisture from them to make a nice crunchy candy. It’s safer for consumption and helps with the River Oak’s growth.
Come again?
They pluck out one of what I thought was peppercorns, the seed resting in the middle of their open hand on their palm. They explain that the vine strangles, tangles, and drains water and nutrients from its victims. Creating a storage area below the roots gives an area better than a drying rack, the vines produce edible flowers and berries. Well-fed River Oaks can grow massive.
I’ve got brambles that produce flowers and berries... Do I have River Oak...? Are Needle Vine is River Oak?
-One moment,- I murmur, all tactful as I mentally sweaty finger through my bank for some berries, flowers, and bramble cuttings. -Is this River Oak?-
Let’s go! Apparently it is River Oak. Guess who’s about to save some energy by going green?
Wait, isn’t my fish farm under my bramble-laced yard? Whoops. Or is it out of range? My brambles don’t look big and tree-y... Wait, is the liquid Qi not actually liquid or is this one of the reasons it’s producing so many Blood Berries.
-Wait, so Blood Berries are Fish Kiss Fruit?-
I’m going to blame their mirth on the alcohol. So what if I mixed up Fish Spit and River’s Kiss? They don’t have to laugh that hard. I watch as one of them gets up, struggling with their robes as they shuffle off to piss near Persephone’s Memorial. I don’t say a word as I drop a Needle Vine right in the way.
-Don’t piss on my advisor’s memorial, please.- My voice comes out so cold and deadly that it feels like I just took a bath in liquid Snow Tiger Fang essence.
Who dat? Why did I trigger my life flashing before my eyes? Well, a brief flash. An abbreviation? Fuck, one of the lives between the handfuls of times I died?
Weird.
I move the apparently ironically named River Oak away from the memorial, gesturing towards it and murmuring for them to use it as a piss pot, and not the woman who allowed me to make it this far. There’s a sober moment of quiet apologies before someone offers a toast to smart women who help groves grow.
I can drink to that.
I unbank more snacks, sighing and munching on a chip while thinking of all the things that need to be done. We all look up as someone clears their throat, one of the gardeners explaining that Blood Seeds have a variety of uses, but, when they’re too old or too dry, it’s better to treat them as River’s Kiss versus risking biting into one hoping it’s still sweet and tart.
-So it’s either sweet and tart fruit or rancid fish?- I frown, turning to look at the piss bush thoughtfully.
-Hold on,- one of the gardeners waves a hand for patience, getting up and pulling a trowel from somewhere before digging a hole near the River Oak. -It’s better to dispose of moisture near the River Oak. The vine itself is edible. I would recommend against eating this one,- he grimaces good naturedly before coming back to the table.
I Will the bramble to what’s left of the coal pile, setting up a stone privacy screen with a shallow pit, a new River Oak planted behind it. No chance of back spray this way.
-So why the two names? Needle Vine and River Oak? Blood Seed and River’s Kiss?- I roll my wrists instead of trying to remember anything else. They talked a lot before I actually started paying attention.
My understanding is the general consensus is “women” things. When around the women-folk they use the romantic names. When by themselves they use the “normal” names. River’s Kiss is Fish Spit. Blood Seed is usually Thorny Kiss, but Old Granny was telling me the man’s word for it. How she went from I’m her brother’s wife and too good for the bastard to I’m an eligible bachelor is kinda funny now, and I look forward to teasing her about wanting to have my weakling children in the future.
-Yeah, she’s going to kick my ass...- I murmur, the others exchanging a look. -Ah! I didn’t know Grinan was Granin’s sister! I don’t remember what I said, but he punched me. Why’d he attack everyone else?-
-People get drunk and then think they’re brave enough to go free our old home from the hunans,- he waves a hand dismissively. -This keeps them from making trouble. Sometimes they can’t find him or he’s busy so they get into fights amongst themselves.-
-And the fights spread?- I frown at the not so fresh taste in my mouth when one of them shrugs. Yeah, no, I brought the booze... -What do you drink besides wines?-
-We don’t need to drink at all,- one of them scoffs. -We get enough moisture from the plants and meats, but we don’t cook everything to death like the hunans do. I’m just guessing that’s why you want “tea” with every meal,- they lower their head, looking up at me under their eyelashes.
I like tea, but I guess it was a “human” thing. Huh. Am I not supposed to drink? What else am I not supposed to enjoy?
-Come, come! What other things do I have here? What do I need to plant? What is easy to prepare? What is most productive?- I wave my hands for them to focus on the box of seeds and not me. We’ve been sitting and drinking for a while, and they’ve gone over things that I’ll have to read over in my Logs, but for now, ignore the man behind the curtain!
While we’re talking the brats are either making a nuisance of themselves or being the best child labor force ever. They’re staying away from the miasma lake, sneaking away handfuls of food so I don’t have to, hunting down the more aggressive dragon eels, and having a gay old time doing my chores and yardwork. Not that I’d tell them.
They’ve left my house alone, I guess Granin told them, but they’ve low-key trashed the rat nests. They haven’t removed anything from the burrows, but they go to Granin to ask if there’s anything they should sneak out, so I know what people are gonna be getting for presents later when I do clean house.
Am I become browser cookies? No, wait. The triplets were on some next level shit. How long have I been the internet?
Mind. Blown.
I opt out of drinking more tea, feeling like I need a palate cleanser from all the fried food and sweet dirty water. I could make a salad... I look over, remembering that I have guests, who are still talking, and decide I’m not in the mood to make more food for everyone. I’ll wait ‘til they leave.
-It has been a productive day. A good day,- Granin says, walking up behind me and clapping me on the shoulder. Not sure why the others didn’t notice my exaggerated yawns and stretches, but good on him. -We’ll be leaving now. Thank you for your generosity. Call us if you need more help,- he finishes, gesturing around vaguely, so I’m gonna assume “us” means swarming crotch goblins.
I stand up, giving him a nod and a quick shoulder squeeze, nodding to the others as they finally pick themselves up and start moving out so I can sleep. I put the removed seed containers in a smaller tray, arranging the others and doing a quick check to make sure they didn’t steal anything. I don’t know what all I have, and “collective they” gave me a lot of seeds, but I’ve learned enough to know that big shinies make sticky fingers, not sticky fingers find big shinies. I shrug, bank the box when I remind myself I have to check Logs anyway, then see everyone out.
A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.
-The void will be sealed temporarily. Anyone left will be absorbed to feed my cultivation. Make yourselves known now. I won’t be willing to listen later,- I announce loudly, doing a slow spin next to my open portal. I get weird looks from people on the other side, but a look at my roster shows there are still three assholes in me. Phrasing.
-What’s going on?- Granin comes back through the portal, Grinan cursing him and striking him over the head like a counter or ticker to the names she’s dishing out.
-I’m going to go to sleep, to meditate on my insights,- I quickly correct myself. Sounds better. -Anyone left behind I will consume. I could do it with the dragon eels, but I was curious. It’s harder not eating people in my void on accident. It’s why I was worried about the children wandering around.- That’s actually a good point, me. -You might want to check on them. To make sure they’re all out there,- I gesture with both hands to my portal.
Granin takes a deep breath, warning bells go off in my head, and then I’m deafened by this mini asshole with a voice deeper than my love for good Blood Wine bellowing loud enough that I swear his voice echoes off the surrounding mountains. Or it’s reverberating in the kitchen. I grimace at the thought of being in that enclosed space when being out in the open is bad enough.
-Get the fuck back in the caves. I won’t come find you, but if you survive, and you do come out, I will hunt. You. Down,- he roars. He gives a quick look around, his eyes just darting left then right, before he turns, gives me a nod, then fucks off.
I pause for a beat, look to the skies then scan the surroundings for any stragglers, but the name count isn’t dropping.
-I tried,- I shrug, closing the portal. I transfer to the first person on the list to find them hiding under a pile of silk and straw. -You’re... Hiding in a deadman’s bed...- I nod, hands in my sleeves as I wait for them to come out with some lame ass excuse. -No?- I ask after a pause.
I sigh, reaching down and flipping off several layers of silk robes, tattered cloth, and bundles of dried herbs. Ooh. Wonder where he found those. Peering up at me from under the last silk robe is a Death Moth female. She smiles up at me, chuckling nervously before she sits up, draping the robes around her shoulders. I lower my head, waiting for her to stop settling in and start talking.
-There’s no way you didn’t hear him,- I point out since she’s not talking. We’re literally near the portal area and his voice echoed.
-I thought maybe Grinan wasn’t your type,- she says, avoiding eye contact until she’s finished speaking.
-I’m going to go talk to Grinan. I’m going to ask her about you. If she says you are not useful, or not worth worrying about, you will die, and I will feed on your essence, hmm?- I say, nodding before giving a tight-lipped smile and transferring to the next name on the list.
I watch a sleepy tubbo waddle its happy ass around with a fist full of dead dragon eel as it rubs at its eyes. I’m in the woods full of normal trees between the burrows and my lake. One of the babies. Killed a dragon eel. Started eating it raw. And fell asleep with a death grip on it. In the middle of some unfamiliar woods. ‘Cause children.
I shudder, turning my back and transferring quickly to the last name while listening to the shrieks and pleas of the would be bed warmer in the distance. The last person is busy clawing the shit out of a tree near my house. I freeze, feeling my blood boil as I transfer to my house to see if they fucked with my shit. I pace through the rooms and around the structure, ignoring the not kid as they spot me. All my shit appears to be intact. Untouched even. When they get closer I turn to frown at them.
-If you can’t handle dragon eels, you’re going to need someone to protect you,- they start and I immediately transfer them and the wandering baby into the kitchens.
-Found these two,- I say to Grinan, trying not to look smug as teen thug squeaks in terror at Grinan’s death gaze.
It helps that I think I’m actually taking damage from being in the crossfire. AOE angry glare? What the fack?
-I think I heard of a third person who is, was, in my void.- How the fuck am I messing this up already?
-If it’s a young female named Tepp you found in a bed or wandering around naked, you can keep her,- Grinan snaps, leaning around me to angrily gesture the two I’d dragged out of my void to get the fuck out of her kitchen.
-So if she died and was eaten for cultivation purposes it wouldn’t be a loss to the Grove?- I ask, putting some respect on the name of their nest.
-We’ve plenty of females,- Grinan glowers. Not at me! I live! -We need more males... Strong males.-
-I’ll keep an eye out?- I shrug, too tired to care if that’s a dig at me or not. -Did all the kids come back okay?-
-That was the last little one,- Grinan glares towards the entrance. -We’ve been without for a while, but it’s not good if they think they can eat without the others. You should have probably kept that one, too.-
Cold-blooded. Cool. I’m not a body dumping ground, but we’re just friends helping each other out with problems...
I give her a nod, transfer to the burrow square, and immediately get decked by Tepp.
[Name: Kisandera “Kissy Kissy” or “Sandy” or “Eclipsed Rainbow”]
[Affiliation(s): Thousand Valleys, Seven Moons, Companion of the Sacred Phoenix Sovereign, Inner Void Productions, Wimble Sunrise, Scarlet Silk Society, The Naturalists, Hunter’s Association, Eager Heart, Red Silk Clan, Red Silk Spider Sect]
[Race: Celestial Void Moth Queen[Shattered] (Saint)] 🦋
[Current Form: Hunan]
[Current Realm: Shimmering(Tier 5)]
[Current Karma: 95,601,347/107,275,977]
[Master: Shimmering Steel]
[Max Will: 9,579,451]
Rank: SS
[Current Condensed Qi: 1,831,227/23,900,339]
[Current Qi: 1,905,120/957,945,100]
[Mortal Wallet: 12E,692K,180P,697R,179Da,255De,2605k]
[HP: 9,579,450]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1325Di,126Co,10680St]
-Okay,- I clear my throat, trying to figure out if I’m still willing to talk or not.
-Come on you weak-vined, tattered-flower, prissy water shit!- she shouts, fists still up, more than willing to knock me the fuck out.
-Hold, please,- I hold up a finger, going to my Logs to find out what the fuck is going on and she decks me again. -Okay, you’re pushing --.- I clench my jaw as she punches me again.
A quick note from Silent Howl as Tepp keeps shit-talking, and I can’t fault his logic. Weak-vined might mean limp-dicked. Makes sense. Tattered flower isn’t an anal sex reference. Apparently she’s suggesting I have a blown out, over used vagina. M’kay. Gonna assume, on my part, that prissy is by itself, and water shit is an insult about not dying from having wet wings?
[Feeding Unsuccessful]
[Successful Use: 1625/100]
[Con. Qi +1]
[Qi +50]
[Karma +5]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1,831,227/23,900,339]
[Current Qi: 1,904,120/957,945,100]
[Current Karma: 95,601,357/107,275,977]
[Max Will: 9,579,451]
[HP: 9,579,451]
[Mortal Wallet: 12E,692K,180P,697R,179Da,255De,2605k]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1325Di,126Co,10680St]
Tepp goes goblin mode, trying to dig her claws into my hairline, and I snatch her before she can snatch me.
-What the actual fuck!-
She went from basic bitch flirting to she’s gonna kick my blown out pussy back in place, ‘cause why?
-And who the hells’ laughing?- I shout, looking around while checking to see if she actually did any damage. Whatever she attempted to do, apparently I’m healed from it already.
I get a message from Silent Howl reminding me to meditate, and I reflexively flip him off.
-I’m a little busy here!- I snap, still trying to come to grips with being attacked by some basic chicken nugget. -I was just going to go to sleep, but fuck me, I guess?-