-Because...?- I ask after a brief pause that isn't filled with a helpful explanation.
-*Because the hunger monster isn't keeping a Black Dog as a pet,*- the Emperor says like that's any kind of reason.
-*You know I don't know what that means,*- I huff, grooming. This is gonna take forever, and I'm gonna enjoy it!
-*Because having two well-known, perpetually hungry, creatures teaming up is a no?*- the Emperor says slowly in a singsong cadence, the eyeball bobbing at me in time.
-*Dude's sitting there sipping tea like a distinguished gentleman,*- I point out, the dogman in question watching us in polite curiosity.
-*No.*- the Emperor says once more, with emphasis.
There's a flash of heat, the area gets brighter, and the dog screams. I scream in horror, thinking the asshole just incinerated my dog, but the Emperor's good people, so I know he wouldn't do that.
I blink and look around, expecting to see Sir Francis the Fourth, that's what Imma call him, dusting himself off while lamenting the state of the manners of people in this Empire. I don't see him, and my house and porch are scorched. The teacup is gone too.
-*Correct me if I'm wrong,*- I say, trying very hard not to lose my temper over a really shitty prank.
I dunno what today is. Could be April Fool's day. No way in hell would someone kill someone else's dog in their home with just a "trust me". This world is weird, but no one would do that, right? Like, animals are animals, and some animals are given way too many priveleges, but "man's best friend", right?
-*I'll do my best,*- he deadpans, casually feeding essence into the damaged areas and smoothing them out.
-*You want to study me and my affects on things, we get a test subject, a hungry dog, who not only recovered but made himself a cup of tea and was casually enjoying the day with what might be a massive lake of god quality condensed Qi nearby, and your first instinct is "kill it with fire"?*- It's getting very hard to move, and I'm not sure if I'm pissed, grieving, or if he's realizing the levels he fucked up. -*'Cause if you're willing to study Zombie Plague and not a distinguished gentleman, me thinks you're not as good at this as you think you are.*-
I take a deep breath. He's not saying he burned my dog, but he's not not saying he burned my dog. There's no way in hell he'd keep the fucking zombie apocalypse advocate and get rid of a dog that might be able to play poker. No way. If I can see the value in the good sir, surely this --.
-*I may have been a bit hasty,*- the eye looks just a little less fiery, floats just a tiny bit lower, and all around looks like this bastard might have actually done it.
-*Dude, did you really burn my dog or is this a prank?*- I'm all kinds of mature.
-*Apologies for my overreaction,*- the Emperor sounds off, voice low and strained to a higher pitch. At least he's not suggesting --. -*There are more if you're willing to continue the experiment. We can study them further.*-
I'm going to eat his baby. His precious energy dump. This bitch killed my dog, for no reason, offered some ass excuses, and suggested I just get another one.
I've matured. I know this because I'm not ranting, raving, or trying to eat something right now. I'm not self-destructing, going into a coma, or pretending it didn't happen. I'm planning. I'm going to go to space, find the not sun, and eat it. But first I've gotta get out of the empire. I've got to get stronger. Finally, a proper reason to Get Gud.
-*I've only collected one of the pools. I haven't even eaten it yet,*- I point out oh so casually. So smooth. -*Gotta stop the zombie apocalypse.*-
-*Zombie?*- the eye tilts to the side.
I explain about the princess and the town while grooming. Fack, I'm fluffing amazing. Mm... I don't gloss over how weird Captain Justice Fist's special technique is, or how easily the princess dunked on me, and how she was like a poor kid that got adopted by a rich family, but did all kinds of fancy hobby bullshit. I don't hide anything. Technically I'm not even hiding the fact that I'm angry. I'm just not bringing attention to it. Character growth, baby!
-*You should probably consume more before you go back out there,*- the emperor says consolingly. -*You're going to need it.*-
I thank him for his advice, shift to the pool, and submerge myself. Now, how does one flee an empire? Something to think on while I picture me, chug and absorb the Condensed Qi, and try to refine myself. I don't even notice the taste anymore.
[Feeding Successful]
[Successful Use: 38/100]
[Qi +1000]
[Karma +10]
[Soul Forging Successful]
[Progress: 793/1000]
[Con. Qi -10]
[Qi -1000]
[Karma -2000]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1,833,888/23,813,283]
[Current Qi: 227,287/5,850,300]
[Current Karma: 95,253,133/107,275,977]
[Max Will: 9,598,351]
[Mortal Wallet: 10E,26K,228P,154R,179Da,155De,105k]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1199Di,126Co,10526St]
I regain my senses feeling more focused but with no idea what I've done, if anything, while I was trying to make myself better. It feels like I just sat and stewed quietly, but I'd started meditating with a purpose. I was gonna think of ways to leave the empire, and all I did was get stronger. Or was that the point.
[Aura of Suppression Successful]
[Successful Use: 41/100]
[Con. Qi -90]
[Karma -900]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1,833,798/23,813,058]
[Current Qi: 227,287/5,850,300]
[Current Karma: 95,252,233/107,275,977]
[Max Will: 9,598,351]
[Mortal Wallet: 10E,26K,228P,154R,179Da,155De,105k]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1199Di,126Co,10526St]
I snort, do a quick shake and comb, then leave my void without a word.
-*I'm back,*- I send out to First Fighting Fist. -*I've moved and disposed of the Qi. Where's the next pool?*-
-*I see you.*- I try not to flinch and fail. I'm the one who contacted him! -*We're behind you on the left in a pile of rubble.*-
I quickly trot through a field of pissed off super zombies as they beat the shit out of each other. Anyone distracted by me gets dunked on by someone else, and I'm trying to figure out why they went from cool to kicking the shit out of each other before it clicks that these people probably think one of them stole the Qi. Like, the people with the princess aren't my favorite, but they're much more upper class stand back and gossip while waiting to see how things get fixed. There's an organization and tier list of accountability that these people aren't following. Is it trust? The zombies up top trust each other while these not as pretty rotters are all about looking after Number One?
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
-*Stop! One of the older ones isn't fighting, and it's watching you!*-
I stop, slowly turning a circle, not looking for my watcher. There's an undead super zombie focusing on me? Where's the nearest hole I can hide in?
I hustle towards an area that looks completely unfamiliar. One wall had tiers on it, one wall has my allies, another area I was just running from, so here I am trotting towards what may or may not be a dead end and praying I'm not --.
-*Don't attack it!*-
Shit. I circle around, hoping I'm not too close to whoever is looking at me, some of the other hoppers noticing me, but I am acting kinda aimless. Oh. And I'm not undead. Shit.
I scream as I notice someone behind me bend down to grab me, slow and uninterested, maybe a little curious. I'm not a random package on the side of the road, but I'm not your meal dropped on your doorstep.
I'm SS Rank again, right? Why am I so weak? I ranked up. I freeze, hunker down, and feel a wave of dawning horror and disbelief wash over me as I realize I ranked up, but I don't know in what. I thought it was my overall combat rank. Did I rank up as a bank? I've been doing a bunch of bank-y stuff.
-Fack!-
Shitshitshitshitshit! What's my combat rank? How do I check my ranks? How many different ranks do I have? How do I switch between them.
I gasp, running a little faster, but not doing anything special, and realize I've been running. Normally. Not special movement skills to move faster. Can I lose techniques? Fack!
-*I'm coming to get you,*- First Fist says and I feel a little thrill.
Ack. What's wrong with me? I usually get annoyed about stupid hero tropes, I'm not a damsel in distress, and this is not the time! I manage to angry myself out of any attraction, and the stupid, awesome, handsome, capable, piece of shit sprints past me, gently, firmly, scooping me up in passing and managing to not be attacked as he jukes through the death room. I don't know how his plan works, and I'm gonna fake disinterest until I actually lose interest.
Why's he so firm?
"I've got it," First Fist says to Woodcock, and I'm glad I fell for the upstanding, hard working, man of the people versus the "bad boy" that keeps stealing shit.
-Wait, what?-
I try to process my last few thoughts while Woodcock and First Fist stealth their way through by somehow being so mundane the undead don't bother wasting the effort chasing them. Does everyone have Aura Suppression? Then why were those bandits and that clerk acting like --. Backwoods country town. Got it.
"Here!"
-Hmm?-
I tune in to another football throw. At least he's not --. I bounce before I can finish being thankful that he's not putting a spin on his throws. This pool is more of a layer on the floor, but it's actively dripping down from the ceiling. I skid through the puddle, kicking up a small wave.
[Piercing Shot Successful]
[Successful Use: 61/100]
[Qi -30]
[Karma -5]
[Anchor Sigil Successful]
[Successful Use: 7/100]
[Con. Qi -75]
[Karma -5]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1,833,798/23,813,055]
[Current Qi: 227,182/5,850,300]
[Current Karma: 95,252,223/107,275,977]
[Max Will: 9,598,351]
[Mortal Wallet: 10E,26K,228P,154R,179Da,155De,105k]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1199Di,126Co,10526St]
I sigh as First Fist apologizes for yeeting me before I go back to grooming and banking the pool. I thwip my way onto the ceiling, chewing my way through the rock to figure out where this shit is coming from, wondering why there's no one in here yet. Then I hear sounds of fighting.
-*I'm hunting down the source of the Qi. Who's fighting out there?*- I'm not going out there with my magical accountant ass.
-*We'll try to lure them away! Keep working!*-
Not an answer. Are there more people fighting? Are they killing the undead or just dodging them? Or did the cavalry arrive? Am I about to be attacked by some good guys pulling an Emperor?
I bite into a tangle of hair, recoiling in confusion. Oh~! Oh~...! The bits and pieces that fell off during our fight! I thought I banked them? Or ate them... Or absorbed them? I upgraded my bankiness.
[Feeding Successful]
[Successful Use: 39/100]
[Qi +1000]
[Karma +10]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1,832,798/23,812,808]
[Current Qi: 227,182/5,850,300]
[Current Karma: 95,251,233/107,275,977]
[Max Will: 9,598,351]
[Mortal Wallet: 10E,26K,228P,154R,179Da,155De,105k]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1199Di,126Co,10526St]
I bank and straight absorb the hair. That one's ate, dunno how long it takes to digest, but whatever. Wait. Was there another one in the big pool? Or a bigger piece?
-Shit.-
-*I found a piece of a God 'causing this pool to condense. Do you know how the first pool was condensing? Is there something I needed to remove there?*- I ask grooming as I wait on a response.
-*You've finished clearing the pool?*- The fuck is Woodcock doing on the line? -*We were tricking some of them into the old room after you cleared it. Tch. Can't you do anything right?*-
This bitch.
-*I'm heading back to check.*-
-*I'll take it to the next area,*- First Fist says and I want to get annoyed at the "it" thing but I am kinda using him to carry me from feeding trough to feeding trough, so...
I pitter patter my way to the door, standing outside and waiting for my pickup. Does this count as rideshare or just a --. It's a transport service. Definitely. Healthy, kind, capable, and carries me from meal to meal? If he's the captain of the guard for a city that doesn't exist does that mean he's looking for other employment? Maybe I can get him in on taking me with him? He needs someone to clean up... the... I'm trying to think of a way to get someone to use me as a garbage disposal. Fack me...
-*First pool is still empty. We were gathering from the other pools and consolidating the Qi here, but I didn't know what was causing the other pools, not exactly,*- Woodcock shares. -*I'm on my way to the wood pool.*-
-*We're almost there.*-
What's this have to look like from their point of view? There was a town, there was a god, there's undead, and now they're carrying an adorable pet bug around to clean up after a divine haircut. Am I a shopvac?
I tune in before they call my attention to see hair dangling with tree roots into a cavern with an underground lake tainted with spa water.
-*The pieces of the god are spread throughout the cavern,*- I sigh. There's not a ton of undead here, but there are things moving in the water.
"That's not the worst of it," Woodcock gives a closed lip smile, looking strained and not at all amused. We talking out loud now? "The water has pooled slowly over time from the rivers feeding the Great Tree at the center of Golden Rivers.
"There's been rumors that the Qi they've been gathering to keep everything running is from vagabonds, strays and children, the bodies dumped into small offshoots of the river that run underground, filtered through dirt and rock and cycled through the tree." Not to kink shame, but what the fuck?
"Great," First Fist exhales heavily through his nose, face stoic. "More undead."
Is that what Woodcock was telling us? I just thought he was trying to campfire story us for no reason other than he thought it was funny, and what we were going into was gonna suck. Fuck, that means we're gonna be fighting drowned things. Brutally murdered, angry, scared, drowned things. Wait, no. This is not okay.
-*Okay, and the people doing this are just running a tourist trap, and no one was stopping them, because...?*- I turn to Captain of the Guard. Holy shit, did I make him cry.
-*What's done is done,*- First Fist says through the coin, and I don't know how, standing up and staring down at the pools. We not doing a stealth run on this one? -*You take care of the god pieces. We'll handle the lost dead.*-
There's probably hundreds of ropy strands mixed in and twined with thousands of fucking tree roots. I'm supposed to do this how? And what's he mean the lost dead? Thought they were --. Oh, they didn't drown, their bodies were dumped in the river and lost.
I get it.