"Shear?" she stares at me, brows furrowed, bobbing and weaving like she's dodging hits. Is she literally looking me over like that? "Like a wumple?"
Oh~! That's right. Wimbles are the small ones. The fack is a wumple? ... Am I a wumple? The fack is a greater wimble? Why don't my handlers know these things? And why doesn't my status screen register what I am not what people think I...
I feel a cold chill as I realize that a lot of changes to my screen make sense if they're not just solid facts but based on popular opinion. Oh, fack me. So if a ton of people think you're a god thing, will that make you a god? What if people think you're shit? Imagine putting in all the time and effort to Get Gud and some asshole spreads rumors that you're some backwards, ignorant paste eater and you go from god like to shitstain. Wow. This world would suck.
Nah. I go back to grooming as I realize that I'm not known as a treasure but I can still produce shit. Good shiz, too.
"Are you a wimble or a wumple?" White Silk asks and I try not to laugh.
Fack! I never realized how ridiculous those words sounded. What the frick is are they based off of? Every thing, except the money, and I'm pretty sure those are some outsider names, sounds like something that makes sense. So what's the basis for wimble and wumple?
-*How would I know? I'm me.*- Smooth... She'll never know! -Gack!-
White Silk casually hefts me, casually holding me up, hands over my stomach, fingers interlocked, as she turns to the group of salty spectators. I feel my silk bristle as it occurs to me that she might low-key be using me as a shield. Or is she holding me up as a punching bag. Fack!
-*Pu'me down!*- I squirm and she just pulls me back up like I'm a fussy toddler. Oh, the indignity.
"This gift is very expensive! Which one of you will pay for damages?!" She shouts.
Wow, she flipped that around real quick. I stare in awe as she goes full Karen, the crowd dispersing so fast that it takes Mudskipper a second to realize he doesn't have backup. And he's been left behind as a scapegoat. Nice.
[Identify Successful]
[Successful Use: 7/100]
[Con. Qi -12]
[Qi -12]
[Karma -25]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1,796,898/23,855,523]
[Current Qi: 711,112/5,850,300]
[Current Karma: 95,422,093/107,275,977]
[Mortal Wallet: 7E,27K,180P,54R,179Da,155De,105k]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1199Di,126Co,526St]
Denii String. Count: 12.
Wait, is this bracelet just a string of coins tied together? Wearin' money? ... I'm not mad. I bank it and keep grooming. ... Does it not count as money?
"We weren't sure where its owner was, so we just kept it from leaving until you could retrieve it," he mumbles, eyes downcast as he gives a couple of light bows before shuffling off very quickly. At least he didn't ask for a reward.
-*So... Sky Path?*-
As impressive as that verbal beatdown was I want to know what's up with this harness. She took forever to get here. Entry sucked, but the show was amazing. I still need to get to a bank. Will I need her help or can I go on my own?
"You went so fast," she gushes. That personality flip, though. "Come on! I want to see how you did it!"
She shuffles me around, binding her sword into her sheathe while moving closer to the sky road.
-*I need to go to a bank to exchange copper,*- I tense, not sure what she's going to do or what she thinks she's going to do. -*Can we go to a bank?*-
"Exchange copper...?" she mutters, looking thoughtful before flinging me into the air.
Somehow she triggers the Road through me, my harness locking on the path with no input from me. She's screaming, hair, somehow coming loose despite all the times she'd run through the path, streaming behind as she rides along by hooking her sword in my harness. What the fack, lady! When we get to the end of the path, she touches down first, despite the fact that I'm the one on the Road, and hefts me up before cradling me again.
"Good! Very good!" she nods, giving me a quick squeeze. "Now I want to see what you plan on doing with the bank, then we'll come back! I think I felt something when you were riding the path.."
I have a quick flashback to a sword rider expecting me to carry them because that's what I do. I flick my antenna in annoyance then remind myself that she's been helpful so far. She's fed me and shown me the cultivator's transport network, I paid for the harness but she made it happen.
I groom what I can as she casually strolls down the normal road, skipping lightly every few steps. She's in a good mood... I acknowledge her good cheer with a wave of my antenna and sit back, eager to see what a bank looks like. And feeling nausea and regret. There's a building with yellow painted vertically standing disc statues propped up on either side of the very large, very open, entryway. Who the fuck makes a bank this obvious and insecure?
When we go in there's a short fat man with what looks like ear gauges that look like giant gold claws, and a tall thin man with a ton of thin gold chains that remind me of the gaudy version of me when I was void cycling. The fat man cheers loudly, welcoming us with open arms and the tall, thin man sneers, revealing gold teeth and somehow looking like a starving, hunched weasel. Probably doesn't help that the short man has a long black overrobe reaching past his knees, making his legs look short and stumpy.
"Welcome, honored customer! Do you need money exchanged? A loan? We do many services and only ask for a modest fee in return," white clouds framing Silver Scaled Fish crows energetically, finishing his spiel by going through handwashing motions.
"What's the fee to exchange Denii?" White Silk says dismissively, looking around in either disgust or annoyance.
"Exchange Denii?" white clouds framing Fat River Pear recoils, blinking rapidly. What, did she fart? "Exchange Denii into what?"
White Silk continues to stare at him, imperiously, but mute. Oh! She's waiting on me.
-*Emperors,*- I say before the silence can stretch on any further.
"Into Emperors," she sneers, flinches, then speaks into the back of my head. "Emperors?"
Wallet, plx!
[Mortal Wallet: 7E,27K,180P,54R,179Da,155De,105k]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1199Di,126Co,526St]
-*Tell him you were joking. That you want to convert spirit stones into heavy gold Emperors,*- I wiggle my antenna. Look at me adulting like a cultivator! -*How large is the fee?*-
"You think I'm simple?" she swipes her empty hand in the space between us and them, the sword still held in the hand holding me up. Wormy Apple jumps while Short and Round fake laughs loudly. "I want to exchange spirit stones for mortal money. How much is the fee?"
She turns away, pouting angrily while putting them out of her sight. Who is this woman? No wonder no one takes me seriously with theatrics like this. Wormy Apple laughs breathily while Short Round races away and back with a children's wooden bead toy. No, wait! I think it's an ancient calculator! An Abba?
"Well, to convert from mortal currency to mortal currency is easy. It's not as simple to convert from mortal currency to spirit coins. But it's highly uncommon to convert down from something as rare as spirit coins down to mortal currency, so naturally the fee will be higher," he says while shifting beads back and forth. Bish, we didn't even give you a number yet!
-*So he says,*- I snort -- frickin' how?! -- at his theatrics. White Silk snorts and rolls her eyes, turning her other cheek to face them when the salesmen both look at me wide-eyed with raised eyebrows.
"Stop dancing and tell me the fee!" she snaps, startling them before turning her head away again. I need to keep this one.
Short Round chuckles weakly, eyes crinkling. He spends way too much time working on his expressions to fake all these happy feeling so well. He shuffles a few more beads around before holding up one hand, fingers spread.
"To convert spirit stones to gold emperors will be 5 Dalin per emperor," he chuckles and I gag on the imagined grease. So oily.
"This is a simple thing," she says, still not bothering to look at them. I disagree.
-*How much for mortal money to mortal money. For the golds.*- I clarify as the shady salesmen smile and exchange a quick look. Oh, so subtle.
"If I get more common gold, what's the fee?" she spits out, whipping around to glare at them until she's finished talking, relaxing and looking away again.
"Ah," the salesmen exchange a slow, possibly confused look before turning back to her. "Gold is not so easy to come by... But it's usually one silver per exchange..."
Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.
"I'm not unskilled. It will pose no challenge," she says, nose in the air. So gold is hard to come by, is it?
I go back to grooming myself before a quick, and gentle, squeeze brings my attention back to the matter at hand. I cough up six kings, shaped like bloated paper boats, and one prince, a weird rounded seal looking thing, one "coin" at a time, White Silk casually catching the coins in her free hand.
[Mortal Wallet: 7E,27K - 1K x6,180P -1P,54R,179Da,155De,105k]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1,796,898/23,855,523]
[Current Qi: 711,112/5,850,300]
[Current Karma: 95,422,093/107,275,977]
[Mortal Wallet: 7E,21K,179P,54R,179Da,155De,105k]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1199Di,126Co,526St]
White Silk doesn't even look at the coins, holding her hand out, palm down, fingers holding the coins lightly, still not looking at the salesmen who stared at me during the dispensing before staring at the handful of gold loosely held in her outstretched hand. She doesn't make a sound but the hand pressed into my stomach is shaking lightly. I cough, the salesmen starting before Wormy Apple reaches smooth, long, thin fingers pressed together, both hands cupped to receive the coins she casually releases. While Wormy Apple turns away, reverently carrying the money away, Short Round chuckles, casually imposing himself between us and his partner.
"We'll be back with your change shortly," he says slowly before chuckling nervously again.
"I don't need the change. Just the mortal emperors," she says, not looking at the man, so I wonder if she sees his eyes bulge. Is mortal money really that serious?
Wow. I got a fortune from all the people I ate and collected, and I'm not even close to finish going through even half of the spatial storages. Truly cultivators live completely different lives. Wait. If I killed and maybe or ate that many rich people's kids, how much trouble am I in? Or did everyone dismiss it as bad luck? I am a Calamity after all. Let it be their bad fortune to have crossed me.
Before I can make a fool of myself, forgetting that I have an audience, the tall, thin lender with the ironic name returns bearing three large, bloated gold boats on a round, red pillow with gold braiding around the edge.
[Identify Successful]
[Successful Use: 8/100]
[Con. Qi -12]
[Qi -12]
[Karma -25]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1,796,886/23,855,517]
[Current Qi: 711,100/5,850,300]
[Current Karma: 95,422,068/107,275,977]
[Mortal Wallet: 7E,21K,179P,54R,179Da,155De,105k]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1199Di,126Co,526St]
Raised King, Raised King, Raised King
-*Those are Raised Kings. I need three emperors!*- I shriek and thrash in annoyance.
They had one job! Do they not have emperors? It'd be one thing if the quest took other coins as equivalent, but I have more than enough gold to make up an emperor and it didn't give a fuck! I finally find the start of the tutorial, or some dogshit quest, and I am not letting these greasy asshats ruin this for me!
White Silk looks at the coins, lips pursed but eyebrows raised. She ignores me and I'm tempted to blast everyone and go find the money myself, but she doesn't reach for the coins.
"These are emperors? My void bug does not accept them," she says and I keep fighting on principle. Maybe she's too good of an actress... "My sect leader very specifically wanted heavy gold emperors. I wouldn't want him to come out here to get them."
The two salesmen straighten up, looking pale and clammy as they exchange another look, turning back to White Silk while hunching.
"These are Raised Kings. They're accepted as emperors, but they're made of lesser gold instead of heavy gold, and they're much heavier than normal gold Kings. They're quite common and completely acceptable," Short Round tries to mollify me and I snap at his flapping hand.
I don't get anywhere near his fingers, but the two lenders jump back, White Silk tensing behind me.
-*Accept Raised Kings? I'll accept your hands! I need emperors!*- I grumble to White Silk, opting to force air out of my breathing holes, resulting in a high-pitched tone until she shakes me to shut me up.
"My sect leader was very clear. Mortal currency is inconsequential, but we need to find a good lender to exchange gold with." She sucks her teeth, shaking her head while looking at the ground. "It would have been nice to get this chore over with, but I guess we have to go somewhere else." She looks up and I get to see the two men bristle and recoil at the same time. "Return my master's gold. I'll look for someone who can do the exchange."
"About that," Wormy Apple simpers. "Be reasonable. Surely it's not so poorly trained that you can't teach it to accept Raised Kings..."
"Why would we train our treasure to accept garbage?" She leans forward, eyes wide, head tilted to the side, ♪ looking kinda scary ♪ .
-*Tell them they've got five breaths before you release me to find the gold. And I'm going to eat everything,*- I hiss, the salesmen responding to the hiss even if they can't hear the send.
"If I release our treasure it'll go to retrieve the gold. It's very good, but very greedy. Hopefully it doesn't take any of your gold," she says casually, shrugging casually before leaning forward, still hugging me.
Both lenders shout, short round throwing his hands out, attempting to get her to straighten up while Wormy Apple races to the back, pulling a key out from where it was on a necklace tucked into his robes. Ultravision for the win! Imma eat that key if they keep playing stupid.
Wormy Apple storms back. No pillow, no gold, and, based on his glare, no chill. He grabs at his belt, a backhand swinging out into a long thin sword pointed at me. No wonder he stood so far back.
"I've closed the vault! If that pest goes anywhere near it you can add its body to the garbage pile!" Wormy Apple screeches, complexion bright red as Short Round looks at him in surprise.
[Maul Successful]
[Successful Use: 4/100]
[Con. Qi -50]
[Karma -500]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1,796,836/23,855,392]
[Current Qi: 711,100/5,850,300]
[Current Karma: 95,421,568/107,275,977]
[Mortal Wallet: 7E,21K,179P,54R,179Da,155De,105k]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1199Di,126Co,526St]
I focus on the blade of the sword where it sits between our two "factions", and watch as it gets chewed into a knotted tangle before falling to the floor. That's actually very effective. I groom, getting to watch third-person as the show continues.
Wormy Apple pulls his hand back, the hilt still firmly in his grasp. All three of the hunans look at the hilt, Wormy Apple looking at Short Round while Short Round and White Silk look at Wormy Apple, then all three look at the mass of tangled metal on the floor. White Silk, calm and confident, clutches me with shaking sweaty hands while smirking at the lenders.
"Seems our treasure has taken offense to your words. Or it's just hungry," she shrugs casually. Stone cold. Impressive.
-*Why can't it be both?*- I go back to grooming and she fake laughs boisterously, a throwback to Short Round's greeting. I find it unsettling when he and Wormy Apple join in like nothing's wrong.
"I'll go get the heavy gold emperors," Wormy Apple says after a sigh, like we'd just been shooting the shit and he wants to get some work done before his guests leave. Surely people aren't this strange.
He casually strolls off, doing an excellent job of feigning a relaxed stroll, one fist resting behind his back while he shakes his head and chuckles. Short Round watches him leave, turning back to us with a friendly chuckle when he disappears back through the doorway to the back, and presumably the vault. He exchanges simple pleasantries with White Silk, discussing various teas while we wait for Wormy Apple to reappear.
-*If they had the gold why didn't they just bring it out?*- I grouse, White silk ignoring me.
It takes me a minute to realize that they're not discussing types of teas but tea companies. Who knew there were so many ways to process tea? And teas are bitter? Well, I suppose. I was never a fan of unsweetened tea, so I guess that might've been why.
I'm about to pitch another fit when I realize that Wormy Apple has been gone way~ too long when he finally returns with a small wooden box. Wormy Apple smiles, somehow looking less slimy, and opens the box to reveal three large bloated gold paper boats.
[Identify Successful]
[Successful Use: 8/100]
[Con. Qi -12]
[Qi -12]
[Karma -25]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1,796,824/23,855,385]
[Current Qi: 711,100/5,850,300]
[Current Karma: 95,421,543/107,275,977]
[Mortal Wallet: 7E,21K,179P,54R,179Da,155De,105k]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1199Di,126Co,526St]
Emperor, Emperor, Emperor
-*I think those are real...*- I grumble, glaring at the gold.
"It seems to like these more," White Silk says casually, hefting me to try to look me in the eyes. Now it's my turn to ignore her.
She accepts the wooden box and I reach up, tipping it so I can collect the gold.
[Mortal Wallet: 7E + 3E,21K,179P,54R,179Da,155De,105k]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1,796,824/23,855,385]
[Current Qi: 711,088/5,850,300]
[Current Karma: 95,421,543/107,275,977]
[Mortal Wallet: 10E,21K,179P,54R,179Da,155De,105k]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1199Di,126Co,526St]
Whoo! I raise my forelimbs and wait for the quest to complete. The hunans watch me for barely a second before ignoring me. And nothing happens. White Silk finishes her small talk, prodding me with the box until I grab it, then promptly turns and walks out like this was her plan all along. I feel like I got scammed...
I'm short three silver, which isn't bad if it completes the quest. Which it hasn't. Why hasn't it?! I huff and groan at the waste of time. Was I supposed to go to a bank and not a money lender? What's the difference? I've got the coins so why isn't it completing?
I sniff the box, recognize that it's made of something that probably is supposed to dissuade bugs because most things I've encountered so far are, ignore it, and take a bite. And... It tastes like onion weak beef stock. Beef and onion soup? Or just onions cooked in beef broth? It's not bad but I'm not really into it. Which is good because White Silk gets pissy and snatches it from me while looking at the minor damage. It just looks like the box splintered and peeled along one edge. It's still useable...
-*I need to void cultivate,*- I wave my forelimbs in front of her face and she sucks her teeth, frowning and going back to fussing over the box. I cough out a prince and flick it into the box when she opens it to check if it still works.
[Mortal Wallet: 10E,21K,179P - 1P,54R,179Da,155De,105k]
[Current Condensed Qi: 1,796,824/23,855,385]
[Current Qi: 711,088/5,850,300]
[Current Karma: 95,421,543/107,275,977]
[Mortal Wallet: 10E,21K,178P,54R,179Da,155De,105k]
[Spirit Wallet: 0Dr,0Ph,0Th,1199Di,126Co,526St]
-*For your services. I need to void cultivate.*-
She seems much more amicable to heading to the shops now that she has some spending money. She sets the box on a random windowsill as she walks, discarding it and littering at the same time, then skips along happily, one arm free and swinging while she keeps me tucked to her with the left hand, which is still holding her bound sword. Tch. I was hoping we'd head back to her home. Well that backfired...