- ♪ Oh, waterboy! ♪ - I singsong scathingly.
She literally walked me from the field to my room trying to hype up the fact that I’m going to be playing fetch for a few years as I’m a gopher for more advanced students. I look around the room as Wide Oak tries to beg off and flee. I’d offer to share the bed, but scales, and he doesn’t look like he’ll fare well with basic shit. I’m not sure he’s a cultivator at all.
“Ooh!”
My parenting is bad? Let’s do a little experiment. I shift to my void, wander around to see how busy everyone is, and cackle internally. Bendy huffs and stomps, throwing a quiet tantrum as she sees me. Red just tenses like I’m the one that earned an ass kicking. Guts, cooking at a fire pit, sets a fish off to the side with a little head bob before pointedly ignoring me, and Bertha is tending the fields. So, no one’s too busy. I kick them all out into the room, bank the fish on the fire, and shift out of my void into the very crowded room.
Wide Oak is on his knees, bowing over and over, hands pressed palms together, literally begging for his life. The bears are tense, eyes darting around as they try to figure out what’s happening, until they see me.
“This is Wide Oak. They have no cultivation. How would you train him to tolerate poisons?” I ask sweetly, then shift them all to my void near the farms since it seems like the safest bet. “Probably should have asked him where the labs were first.”
I pause for a second, wonder if I should go for a quick bite and work on my house or wander around until I find where they’re hiding the good shit. I head out and Slimy Smile jumps back hand dropping to his side as he looks at me like I snuck up on him. I blink and open my logs, filtered by, fuck what’s his name, recent shows… Fragrant Wine who’s going to poison me in the labs by requesting I handle various toxins barehanded while his hands are coated in a thin film of some nonreactive jelly. Mm-kay.
“Little Brother,” he smiles, laughing lightly, leaning back with this understated mirth, -- fucking fuck he really does just switch it on and off, -- before beaming at me coldly. “I’ve heard that you’re very knowledgeable about this and that. Would you be so kind as to give me pointers in the lab?”
“You think too highly of me!” My face twitches as I read him thinking “no shit”, but his expression doesn’t drop. “I’d gladly assist Elder Brother with his works. I’d be honored if you could give me some pointers.”
We smile, we laugh, I’m doing little small bows with my hands up and clasped respectfully, and he keeps his hands clasped low in front of him ‘cause he don’t give a fuck. Not an ounce of respect, despite his words. He’s so locked in to ruining me he’s not even pretending to give me face now. Prepare to get rekt boi-oi-oi-oi!
We walk, we not laugh, I read how he’s trying to decide on whether or not to give me the shits first, -- laxatives? Really? -- have my mouth go numb, -- yeah, I’ll agree that I’m pretty chatty, but he’s not exactly stoic, -- trick me into falling in love with another man, -- he’s seen the boobs, but he’s convinced it’s just a change I’d done to myself. … He’s not wrong… -- or just have me go into a rage until I’m put down. All with poisons they have on hand. Which they didn’t always have available at one time. But there’s been a sudden windfall. Because, fuck you.
He keeps fake laughing and smiling as I glare at him, apparently he thinks that I’ve finally picked up that he “practically owns me” now, because he outranks me, and I don’t have a choice in the matter. The fact that that’s what it takes to get a genuine smile out of him is beyond disturbing. Should I just ruin his life or should I put him down? He might honestly be a problem for the whole clan. I’d be doing my new clan a favor, really… Who knows? I might even get merit for it.
He guides me through tunnels carved into the mountain, telling me about his plans for the day. He’s settled on making me puke, piss and shit myself, but he’s telling me we’re going to make an aphrodisiac that is very powerful, sells very well, will make a fortune in any kingdom, and has herbs that are hard to find if only because they have some very dangerous look-alikes with some very unfortunate symptoms. But he’s going to guide me so I should just count on him...
To fuck me over, because he’s going to have me handling only the look-alikes, and drinking the “medicine” with an antidote nearby. The “medicine” is what’s supposedly going to make me puke and shit. The antidote will have me pissing myself until blood comes out. If anyone asks, he’ll just tell them I found out about an aphrodisiac and asked him to consult, but I’d gotten the wrong ingredients.
Wonder what it’ll taste like?
We wash our hands, he sends me off for a face mask, -- he has sinus problems with all the dust, but I’ll be fine, -- while he puts on his hand protection. First he quietly tells me what he needs me to gather, by bin, jar, and basket, from across the room.
The brown laxative powder doesn’t taste like chocolate. If anything, it tastes and feels like old burnt coffee grounds. Apparently Slimy Smile saw me eat a spoonful and make a face and is pretty sure I’m going to shit myself to death. He’s laughing, telling me that it’s fine, but I might not want to try such things until I’m better at assessing how much I should take, and then fully encourages me to sample everything I bring to him.
So the brown powder is a cooked, dried, ground up husk of a stimulant bean that is more deadly than shiver thorn to animals, but requires less preparation. The effects of it don’t last as long, it has a nasty side effect of burning as much energy as it gives many times over once it leaves your system, and it’s only good for short periods of activity.
Pretty sure he’s just talking about coffee… So it does exist. Kinda. Apparently to hunans, this phantom energy bean tastes like cinnamon and earth, isn’t brewed so much as used as a seasoning, and is popular in strong bitter tea.
Logs, scroll back, he thinks I’m a dumbass, he’s not going to try to trick me, he’s going to just ask me to retrieve things in the hopes that I’ll eat enough to make myself sick. There are witnesses to testify that I was trying to eat the poisons without coercion, and at most he’ll be admonished for not warning me, although I agree that anyone stupid enough to do what I do when it comes to shoving things in my mouth kinda deserves to die. I earned this immunity.
Next is the actual syrup that the not coffee syrup is made of. It’s actually a red berry called Lost Child’s Smile. I dribble a little of the syrup produced from what is apparently a very juicy red berry onto my finger for a taste, and it does taste like cinnamon and dirt. Although Slimy Smile described it as “earth Qi”, which I think is too serious from this bastard. I’m not surprised at how poetic he is, he’s a conman, of course he’s going to make things sound nice, but it’s weird that he’s honestly happy and relaxed waiting for me to self-destruct. Like he seems like a really cool guy until I remember why he’s so companionable.
This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.
Lost Child’s Robes powder. The name coming from the fact that the berries shed these shells before becoming all delectable looking. Lost Child’s Smile, because fuck a sugar high when you have this shit in your system, and together the herb and it’s woody shell result in numerous pet and children deaths. Ah~! Lost child… Got it…
So stirred together, diluted with tea, -- which he made from something that will apparently cause me to itch from wherever this stuff comes out of me, and gods rest the souls of those who found that shit out, holy crap, -- and he presents the concoction. I play along, asking about the antidote and he curses himself internally before grabbing at a cheap water skin he uses. His poison cultivation doesn’t let him use a waterskin for long, the container eventually absorbing enough toxins that they’ll concentrate and make him sick over time, but I’m pretty sure dude just needs to backwash less. So down with the tea, -- it literally tastes and feels like I grabbed up a bunch of used tea bags, some old used, still full, coffee filters, dumped the gritty mess into a cup and added hot water.
…
Yum.
I might actually be sick. I don’t even think it’s the toxins. It might be the toxins. Feels more like a mouth and taste thing though. My brain is rebelling and demanding my stomach comply. My bowels feel fine. When’s the last time I peed?
When I reach for the water skin to rinse the taste out of my mouth Slimy Smile casually moves it out of reach, putting it back on his robe belt with a tie on string, and leans back, ankles and arms crossed.
I gotta get this taste out of my mouth. I move back towards the wall of powders, stop when I realize part of the issue is the grittiness, then move to the jars, stop at the thought of having sticky gritty mouth, and head over to the dried herbs. I sniff and sample everything in the hopes of finding something tasty.
There’s a long, thin, narrow leaf that bends instead of crunching or tearing. I chew it up in the hopes that it’ll gather up the bits of crumbly no in my mouth. No such luck. It tastes like super pepper and is doing nothing helpful. I swallow it and move on. A thicker, wider long leaf about the size of my hand, I bite a piece off hoping that it’s not just fibrous, and it kinda tastes like sour steak. Not a fan, but maybe the not dried version tastes better? I bank the rest and move on while Smiles cackles in the background on the verge of pissing himself and other students and their helpers race out to get someone higher ranking.
They think I’m trying to kill myself, but I’m just looking for a palate cleanser.
The logs say the long, thin leaf is Sewing Feather, splinters in the intestines into fine needle length fibers that act like porcupine quills. Shredded from the inside out. Slowly. Neat. The long thin leaf is a hallucinogenic called Rat Blanket, smells and tastes like meat to spirit beasts, tastes like citrus to humans, causes brain fever.
Neat.
Sis waving one hand at me while making anxious squeaks, pulling out a jar from the liquid section and trying to wrestle it over to me. Logs say it’s Black Blood Wine, a top tier poison that’s been brewing for 350 years and no one has permission to touch it, and I’m chugging it while reading the log.
Mouth rinsed, craving satisfied, I lower the baby-sized jar with a satisfied shudder. Am I hard? I think I’m hard. I’m hard. I cradle the jar, hugging it close and just enjoying the taste that lingers in my mouth before banking it. It tastes like a blend of Saint’s Wine and Black Blood Wine, sweet tea with lemon without the green after taste I’d get from shiver thorn.
“You remembered,” I grin at her weakly. I don’t think I finished, but I’m exhausted. Pretty sure it’s emotional though.
“How can someone forget when they’re told a favorite drink is Black Blood Venom. Wine you called it!” she rolls her eyes, flicking out her fan and narrowing her eyes over the leaf as she opens it. “Did you sneak in here just to eat all of our resources?”
“Big Brother Slime-- Fragrant Wine, asked me to fetch for his aphrodisiac. I got curious and sampled the items as he sent me for them. He says he’s sensitive so has protections for his face and skin. I didn’t think that hunan foods were so awful.”
Fingers pointed? Check. Situation explained? Check. Flexed on the noobs? Oh, yeah!
“I would never--!” Fragrant Wine panics as he realizes that not only am I not dying, I can and will eat all their shit. Who let the glutton into the pantry, bitch?
“Gentle Grass,” Little Sis says, still hiding behind her open fan.
What the fuck? The energy in the room changed. I feel sick again. Why are they panicking? What happened?
“You wouldn’t lie to this pretty miss, would you?” Little Sis asks. She’s referring to herself, and not the weird faceted jewel slowly de-cloaking from around head height.
A spoiled spicy sausage slowly uncoils from nowhere, appearing like it was just perched around her shoulders like a shawl as it raises its front half like a snake. It’d actually be very pretty with it’s yellow green underside, deep green topside, and the onyx markings over its shell. If I didn’t know it was supposed to be all fiery and tasty. It even smells like wet leaf litter. They should kill it and use it’s body to grow mushrooms.
-I keep calling you guys spicy sausages, what are you?- I ask the emerald colored centipede.
-Stupid grub, see if I don’t kill you after I kill whoever drew my mistress’ ire!- it turns to hiss at me.
-Oh, you’re Green Grass!- I try to remain polite. I swear I know it’s a centipede, not a sausage despite the way they taste, but I don’t know what they are. Other than food. But I’m trying to be friendly. I’ll probably still eat it at some point in time, -- it’s totally going to try to eat me, and I’ll have to act in self-defense, -- but I can play nice for now.
“Are you talking to my Green Grass?” Little Sis turns to me in excitement.
And~ Slimy Smile thinks I’m a con-artist, and that’s why I’m allowed free reign, like I didn’t just run around eating all the poisons. Seriously? This dumbass is covered up to handle mixing the stuff I’m getting bare-handed, and eating, and I’m the con-artist? He’s as dumb as any of the people I totally know are going to try to copy what I did. And I know someone’s going to try thinking I accidentally-ed into an antidote.
-Your mistress wants to talk to you! What do you want to say?- I tell the vegan sausage. I think it might be the un-mutated version of the spicy sausage.
-More kiss kiss meat,- he says after a thoughtful pause.
“He says more Kiss Kiss Meat,” I tell Sis before turning to vegan sausage. -What’s “kiss kiss”?-
-Kissy Kissy of Thousand Valleys!-
This bitch.
“This fucker wants more wimble meat,” I tell Sis before turning back to the centipede. -Fucking idiot! I know you’re going to attack me, you won’t be able to help it. I’m going to bite you in half and leave you in miasma!-
Vegan Sausage recoils from me, hiding behind Sis’s head, perching its upper body on her other shoulder, standing on itself as it stands on her in order to stay away from me.
“What did you say?” Sis looks at me in awe.
“Bastard called me a stupid name and I told it what I’d do to him,” I lean over and glare at Green Grass who moves his upper body to hide from me like the rest of him isn’t casually draped all over sis. -What’s wrong? Thought you wanted more of me? Why are you hiding?!-
I check my logs to see what the bastard is going to say or do next and see that Slimy Smile regrets messing with me. Apparently Emerald Deaths are dangerous, -- so that’s what they’re called? -- and the fact that one is hiding from me is proof that I’m not simple. Now I’m someone to be taken seriously. Idiot!
“Hmm?” Sis looks at Vegan Sausage as it tells her who I am. “Green Grass says you know the Rising Sun Catastrophe Kisandera?”
“No, I am Kisandera!” I snap as I flex my mouth parts at Green Grass who shrieks and ducks his head into Sis’s robes.
Oh, wait. I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone that. Tch!