-*Now we get off the rug,*- Maru smiles stiffly while grabbing my arm and dragging me off. Oh, right. Introductions.

"Madame Director, --"

-*We've got it,*- Adonia reassures me as Shimmering Steel glares between all three of them, ignoring me completely.

"Ten thousand-year treasure and I should shut up and sit quietly in the corner," I grumble, opening my eyes wide and waggling my head from side to side.

"You taught it this?" Shimmering Steel points at me and I want to be pissed but every time I turn to shout at her I see that damned eye patch and the horrible scarring around it.

"'It' who? What happened to your eye?" I murmur. There has to be a way to fix this.

-*We're gonna sit off to the side, you keep collecting energy, okay?*- Heran says while Maru and Madame Director casually frown at each other from less than two feet away. Where's Rin? And the soldiers? And what did the emperor give you guys?

-*Rin's getting debriefed, the soldiers are going to be investigated, the badges are mega artifacts. Uber stink guards,*- Heran says while idly running a finger over the badge. What the hell is that? -*They're Sacred Lions. You saw a carriage pulled by them earlier. You called them feral unicorns.*-

-*Did you figure out how to send yet, stupid bug?*- a gentle, comforting voice soothes me from inside my own head and I clench and stare wide-eyed at a frowning Shimmering Steel.

"Why does she sound like that?" I point to my head when I turn to Heran.

-*Stupid bug, can't you speak normally?*-

"Stupid bug? Stupid you! I wake up on a hill in a field of death, earn merit by clearing demonic aura and creating helpers to figure out how to get to wherever Golden Idiot sent us, and you call me stupid bug? We clear out cultists and detoxify another area, disabling traps, and you call me stupid bug?" I roll my eyes and shake my head at my children. "You see them? You've talked to them? I bring them to you, and you call me stupid bug?

"I make special silks and create rare treasures, clear dangerous zones, earn merit and get acknowledged by the emperor, and you call me stupid bug? See if I ever talk to you!" I turn my back on her angrily, crossing my arms and shaking my head before hissing over my shoulder. "No, I haven't learned Sending but I learned a lot of other useful things."

I watch as Adonia and Heran stand around, occasionally intercepting people who try to get my attention. How are we not swamped? I look around and realize that we're still in the main room standing with other people wearing badges. Or not. I look down and realize I'm the only one without a golden lion badge. I start looking around becoming more and more alarmed as I see that, yeah, no, I don't have a badge. I don't need a stink blocker but surely not everyone needs a badge, right? Why can't I hear my kids again?

-*We're silently being embarrassed for you,*- Adonia says teasingly arms crossed before bumping their hip against mine. I suck my teeth and let my arms fall. Why won't you teach me how to do this? The sending thing?

-*Why do you have so much money?*- Madame Director peeps up and I whip around to glare at her.

"By eating people," I snark before turning my back on her again.

-*Mom,*- Heran sighs, head resting on my shoulder.

I rest my head on their head and wait for something to happen. Wait. I have money? All of my children sigh in disgust. Before I can say anything else Madame Director joins them.

"Shush," I say loudly before looking for a pile of something to find out what this world's currency is.

-*Number in the corner,*- I look top right and see a button that says reputation. What's this--?

-*Focus, dammit,*- Maru hisses and I look in the top left.

There's a fucking clock? I focus on the six digits with two colons and it expands into a fucking calendar. Fuck. Everything. I refocus on my bank and check bottom left to find money. 5E13K125P52R145Da82De72k. Numbers and letters? I focus and another inventory pops up, called wallet of all things, and it's filled with... Coins and stones? What? Oh! What Klari was talking about. Emperor, Kings, Princes, Regents, Dalin, Denii, Kin and Spirit Stones?

-*For context you could probably buy a compound like the one the nursery is in for two Kings and own it outright, no taxes, but you do have to pay tribute or contribute fighters to the army,*- Maru says in the calmest non threatening manner I've heard in a long time. She and Madame Director appear to be getting along a little too well... -*We both have to put up with your shit.*- And you're compensated, aren't you?

"Hey..." I whisper to Adonia who looks amused and horrified and I haven't done anything. "How much was the silk worth?"

I jump as everyone starts sending at once. I can't not hear any of them but I can't process a bit of what they're saying. It's like when the voice starts reading everything at one time but less monotone. What happened? What broke now? I'm left staring at the wall trying to piece my thoughts back together before I realize that they're quietly talking to one another. Out loud. I clear my throat and go to rub my eyes. My face is wet. There are faces along the edges of my screen. I can see through them but there're my kids' and Madame Director's faces. Just lined up on the edge of the screen. I focus on one and a black and purple oscillating border forms around them. That's Heran. Adonia is blue and black flames and Maru is black crystals with sharp white edges. A mental jab at Madame Director's portrait and it's literally just flowers. Wait. The flowers are made of crystals. Her voice is gentle and comforting, this border is all bounty and nourishment. Can she heal me by touch? I don't know what kind of shit the emperor's trying to pull but I know my Madame. I turn to glare at her and the borders on every icon except hers disappears.

The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.

-*What did you do to me?*- I demand and she lights up. Then my children light up. And their borders light up. -*Did you assholes just break my brain?*- Yay, I can fucking send. But at what cost? I feel awful. -*And I'm the stupid one? I'm tired so remember it's your fault when I wake up hungry. I'm going to sleep.*- I scoff and shake my head before storming off.

I don't know the etiquette for leaving but we were already dismissed. My children take turns trying to explode my head and I ignore them. Adaptive mutations, yay. I'll just head out to the scale tree forest. So do I fly deeper into the forest or transfer? Either way I'll be relatively safe and when I wake up and start eating the trees I'll gain more merit, get food, and have more produce. But do I start on the edge and work my way in or just hop inside and then start eating whichever direction the wind blows? Should probably check on that, make sure there's nothing that draws my attention away from the trees. I stop and look up and all four icons are lit in the corner of my vision and Golden Blade God is looming over me and glaring. He's actually pretty big.

"What?!" That's not what I meant to say at all. Ugh. I'm tired.

"Stupid bug, you dare?!" He roars. Before I can go to apologize he punches me in the face.

"Oy!" What the hell? I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to attack guests in the presence of the emperor!

My indignation isn't as great as his surprise. I know he didn't put any force into it but did he really think something capable of bodying his phoenix was going to get taken out with one hit? I'm pretty sure I learned Arcane Fire from eating the attack. We're surrounded by people in red trimmed golden uniforms with a giant fluffy white feather poking out of the top of their marching band hats. They look like they're in a marching band while wearing waist aprons. Now I can't un-see this. Soldier chefs! They dish it out across the field! Golden Blade God is sputtering and pale as he realizes the guards are their for him, not me.

"Why'd you hit me?" Why am I so grumpy? "I was invited here as a guest!"

"You can't be! You're a monster!" He shouts, finger in my face and I wonder if I can bite it off now.

"His Imperial Highness," Madame Director smoothly rolls up, making eye contact, singular, with the bastard while gesturing respectfully back they way I'd come, "proclaimed Kissy as a 10,000-year treasure and set them into my keeping. The Void bug earned great merit and even stood unassisted in the presence of his Imperial Majesty."

"The kid that's not a kid? He said I was funny," I grumble. Fuck, I'm tired but I want to see this dude get put down and Madame Director looks like she's more than ready.

"Void bug?" I don't know what he's thinking about but his color changes as his eyes dart back and forth at some weird connections he's forming that I'll probably not figure out for another month or two. "Is that how it survived my Saintly Fire Shimmering --"

"That fucking name," I interrupt in remembered irritation. "Who the hell named us?" I look between Madame Director and my kids as the guards politely manhandle an indignant Golden Toilet away as he defends the ridiculous name of his teacup phoenix.

-*Peacock,*- Adonia corrects me over my shoulder. Fuck your teacup poodle. -*Your world was weird.*-

-*Oh, like this one is normal?*- I'm not disagreeing but I've seen some really weird shit here.

-*Yeah,*- a group retort.

To be fair this is the only world they know. My memories of my world don't count as much other than interesting videos from their perspective. I don't even know where those memories are. I swear I lost a good chunk of my mind but I've got the reflexes and attitude I earned.

-*Logs! We keep telling you! Your memories! Your thoughts! The you that is you isn't in your body or spirit, it's in your logs-suh!*- Maru stomps and whines from my right while bouncing in place.

Oh.

A chorus of disgusted sighs and Madame Director takes the lead with a Send order of "follow". And we're off. I'm tempted to just go back to the carpet and shift so we can teleport out but that dreams crushed almost as quickly as my offer to siphon harmful energies from people. What's the progress on that, by the way?

-*Minimal,*- Adonia stands on my right, eyes forward, face stern but open.

I look around and everyone's facing forward looking politely uninterested and mildly inapproachable as Madame Director plows through the crowd. I see her awful blocker --.

-*Stink guard,*- Heran chimes in from behind me. Are you guys really keeping track of my thoughts in real time all the time?

-*We take turns,*- Adonia quips over my shoulder.

She's shields up and plowing through everyone. Oh. So are you guys. Wait. Can I do that? My barrier only makes a dome in front of me.

-*We'll work on that later,*- Maru sighs and by now even I understand that there's something super obvious I'm missing that they don't want to tell me about in case it influences my understanding of things and stops me from making weird connections that also help them progress in their mutations. But it's still frustrating!

-*We know,*- Heran nudges me from the left and Adonia pats my right shoulder on my right.

Madame Director in front and my kids doing some weird shuffle around me to keep people off of me. But why are they constantly moving?

-*Some people are coming over to talk to us directly so we shift around until they either change their mind or see something they don't like,*- Adonia informs me while dropping behind me before Maru tugs on my left arm and we all sidestep around a group in a much narrower but still massive hallway. -*So far you and Heran are getting the most positive feedback while Shimmering Steel gets the most irritating guests. They usually turn away when they see our badges.*-

Should I be carrying the shield the emperor gave her, then? There's a synchronous misstep among the kids and Madame Director whips around quick to address whatever happened. Did I have another big brain moment or did I say something wrong. Madame Director focuses on me with her one good eye, I can't not think about it, I really can't.

-*We'll fix it soon, most likely,*- Maru says offhandedly on my right and I'm not sure to be excited or go into mourning. Is Madame Director going to start mutating or are we going to heal her?

-*The last one, you weirdo.*- Maru scoffs while falling back with Heran taking their place on my right.

Maru shakes her head at me and I'm left wondering why she assumes Madame Director is safe from mutations bound to me and them at the same time. Maybe it's already started. And now they're quiet 'cause Mom's built different and thinks different but Momma still thinks. Eat that, bishes!

-*Almost there,*- Adonia nudges me from the right to go left and I'm glad I'm so resilient or my neck would be killing me right now.