Chapter Seventy-Nine

Grace and Elise, through their responses to Lila’s messages, were suitably impressed and annoyed at the outcome of Lila’s confession to Asher. They both lamented that they weren’t able to spend time with Lila to cheer her up, though Lila wasn’t entirely sure if she needed ‘cheering up’ as much as she needed clarity. Though they weren’t dating, could they really say they were just friends? What were they? She definitely didn’t want to fall into a ‘friends with benefits’ trap with Asher.

But, in saying that, the curiosity about that prospect, the feeling of his body against hers, was absolutely haunting her thoughts. The rest of her Sunday, after waking up in the evening and reading her friends’ reactions to the news, was spent attempting to read a new book series. After the fourth read of page two, though, she had to retire it with a sigh.

She pulled a cushion to her chest as she stared at her bed covers, her eyes misty and unfocused. The potential of a relationship, of any kind, above and beyond being friends with Asher was tantalisingly close – but… she wanted something genuine. A full relationship. One like… Cecelia and Lucas were in.

It was funny, reflecting on Cecelia’s moping and her fears before semi. They had been pretty similar to Lila’s own about Asher. But it seemed like both Cecelia and Lucas had been immediately ready for a relationship. There hadn’t been anything stopping them, at least, besides Lila hovering behind them awkwardly as they talked it out.

And, again, there was Asher, being responsible. Making sure that he wouldn’t rush into something with Lila before he was ready. As much as it frustrated Lila, she saw it as a reflection of how genuine his feelings for her were. She also wondered how he was shouldering that particular burden. He’d seemed so upset with himself yesterday… saying things like how he wanted nothing more than to be with Lila, that his wildest dreams were within reach and he still couldn’t have it… he’d probably be feeling awful, if that was the case.

She pulled out her phone and scrolled through her recent messages. Asher hadn’t messaged her – so, should she? Given that he’d rejected her, it sounded very much on par for Asher to wait for Lila to reach out first so he couldn’t pressure her.

She wanted to see him again, as soon as possible. At the very least, she had so many more questions. Questions that needed to be answered before their infiltration on Wednesday. Otherwise, she had no hope of focusing on the task at hand. But would Lila be pressuring Asher if she asked to see him before Wednesday?

‘Don’t be silly,’ Lila thought, shaking her head. ‘He asked what I was doing today. So… he probably wants to see me.’

Try as she might, she couldn’t figure out what to say to Asher. She had their conversation open and tried to write something but even ‘hey’ was too much to type, let alone send. She stared at the blinking cursor, trying to think of what to do next. Since it was a Sunday, Clare was probably home. Maybe she could help Lila craft a message that wasn’t too desperate, nor too pushy, nor too… well… lame.

Lila heaved herself to her feet and shuffled out of her room towards Clare’s.

“Yeah?” Clare’s voice called after Lila knocked twice.

“It’s me,” Lila replied through the door. “Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

Lila tentatively opened the door to find Clare sitting on her bed, watching something on her laptop. She closed the lid as Lila approached.

“What’s up?” Clare asked with a curious smile, gesturing for Lila to sit on the bed. Lila did so with a heavy sigh.

“I need help,” Lila admitted, her phone sitting limply in her hands. “I… wanna see Asher again.”

Clare surveyed Lila for a moment. “Aren’t you seeing him on Wednesday?”

“Yeah, but I wanna see him sooner than that,” Lila explained quietly. “We’re doing something on Wednesday that I need full concentration for.”

“Sounds suspicious,” Clare said, her tone light-hearted. “Or like a sick art project. Alright. So, when are you hoping to see him?”

“I dunno,” Lila said despondently. “Tomorrow? Or Tuesday?”

“Righto,” Clare replied, snatching Lila’s phone from her hands. She flipped the phone so it saw Lila’s face and allowed her access as Lila tried to process what was happening.

“God, you guys don’t talk about anything interesting over text,” Clare commented, shaking her head. “Nary a nude, either.”

“That’d be child porn, sis. I doubt you’d want to see that, anyway. And why do you sound like a pirate?”

“I don’t want to see that, yes. But literally every teenager with a phone sends those,” Clare said dismissively, tapping away. “It’s like the dumbest rite of passage, but a rite nonetheless. What’s being a teenager without some crime, hey? Plus, pirates are hot.”

Lila rolled her eyes, but uneasily counted the number of crimes she’d technically committed, and was about to commit, in her head.

“Anyway, I’m not about to send nudes to Asher,” Lila said shortly. “We’re not doing anything like that.”

“Yet,” Clare replied loftily. “Anyway, sent.”

“Give!” Lila dived for her phone. Clare dangled it in the air above her head, using her other hand to deftly push Lila away and onto the floor.

“I need to hold onto this,” Clare frowned. “You wouldn’t be able to reply, especially if you were coming in here for help. Ooh, I think we got a reply. Damn, that’s quick as fuck. No one ever replies to me that quick.”

Clare brought the phone to her lap and scrolled through it with a nod.

“Looks like tomorrow is good,” Clare noted to Lila. “I can drop you off.”

Lila’s face flushed as she scrambled to her feet and tried to grab her phone again. Clare tutted, shaking her head.

“No, ma’am. You can read it after. Anyway, what to reply with… ‘Oh Asher, I am so hot and bothered. I am so excited to come. And visit you’.”

Lila shrieked, slapping the phone out of Clare’s hands as Clare burst into a fit of laughter.

“Don’t… need… to be… so vicious,” Clare wheezed, her laughter breathy.

Lila gingerly grabbed her phone from the floor, looking at her messages, her heart thundering in her chest.

Heyy, I’ve been thinking that I want to see you before Wednesday, was all that Clare had sent.

You can come over tomorrow if you’re keen? Asher had almost instantly replied. Had he been staring at their messages, waiting for Lila to say something? It was with an almost freakish speed that he had sent it…

11 sounds good, was currently in draft. Lila sighed. These were messages that she would’ve been able to send… in any other circumstance. Clare reached a finger over Lila’s phone and hit ‘send’ without a word.

“See?” Clare said triumphantly, a cheeky grin on her face. “Nothing unsavoury here. All sweet.”

Lila rolled her eyes. “Thanks, Clare. I… would’ve been able to send those. Though, 11 seems a bit late.”

“That’s why you’re standing here in my room, shaking like a leaf,” Clare replied dubiously. “You don’t need to pretend you’re an independent woman, you know. We all need a lil bit of help at times. Even me. Plus, I don’t want to be up at the crack of dawn, taking you over to Asher’s. Bit of a lie-in would be good, thanks.”

“It’s still terrifying,” Lila said quietly, pointedly ignoring Clare’s lie-in comment. “I know he likes me, and I like him, but this state of limbo… what if it just doesn’t work out? I feel like… since we’re not dating… I’ve probably ruined our friendship. How it was before.”

Clare took the phone out of Lila’s hands and threw it onto her bed before pulling Lila into a hug.

“It’s a big step,” Clare said softly, smoothing Lila’s hair comfortingly. “But if you hadn’t said anything, then you wouldn’t have known that he liked you too. Plus, two best friends with feelings for each other? Either you would’ve eventually had to go through this exact scenario at some point, or one of you would’ve started dating someone else and been wondering ‘what if’ the whole time. See him again – you’ll probably end up going back to normal soon enough. The best relationships are ones where you are each other’s best friend anyway.”

Lila nodded before stepping away from Clare, inhaling deeply. “Thanks… you sure have a lot of advice for someone who’s never brought a boyfriend around.”

Clare shrugged. “I’ve dated, if you’re implying I haven’t. Just not seriously enough to bring them around. And, besides, the kinda people I’m into at the moment… are people you find loitering at a nightclub. Mum and Dad would have a fit if they met even half the people I’ve ‘dated’. You kinda did it backwards, bringing Asher around before dating him. Mum and Dad really like him, so I don’t think they’d judge him harshly if you guys do start dating.” She glanced at Lila before correcting herself. “When you guys start dating. It’s inevitable, at this point.”

Lila pursed her lips. “Are you seeing anyone at the moment?”

“Not seriously, no. But you know that guy at the club? Alex. The bartender that caught you guys. We’ve gone on a couple dates.”

Lila shuddered, her mind flashing both to Alex’s intimidating appearance, complete with a large array of tattoos down his arms and piercings in his ears, and her parents’ likely reactions to seeing Alex on their doorstep. “You’re right,” Lila said forlornly. “Mum and Dad would probably cry.”

Clare laughed. “Sure would. I’d need to be super serious about someone before bringing them over, especially if they’re from that life.”

“Why not anyone from Uni? Surely you know some smart, respectable Uni students that you’d date.”

Clare laughed even harder than she did before. “Have you met any Psych students? So many of them are so up themselves, talking about ‘saving’ people but they’re too fucked up to realise they needa be saved first.”

“Damn, that’s a bleak outlook. Why are you doing it, then?”

Clare shrugged again. “Was smart enough to get in, but realistically, I don’t know what I wanna do with it. Maybe I’ll be a school counsellor. You’re in school, and you seem to like my advice.”

Lila snorted before sighing and shaking her head. “I hope you figure it out soon, sis.”

Clare waved a hand dismissively. “I’ve got a pretty good gig at the moment. Uni’s my backup plan.”

“Feels like that’s a bit backwards.”

“You’ll understand when you’re older. It always seemed like adults know what they’re doing, but really, no one knows what they’re doing. They just make it up as they go along with paper-thin confidence. One of the first things I learned after working at Coolisimo. I tried my hand at doing bottle service in the beginning, talking to all the sad-ass middle-aged businessmen about their jobs, wives and lives. Hated it, so stuck to dancing.”

“That’s depressing. And, again, I’m only three years younger than you.”

“Yup. I know. Look forward to that.”

“I think surviving Monday probably comes first.”

Clare grinned at Lila, ruffling her hair. “You anxious worrywart. Just go with the flow. Be like an adult – make it up as you go.”

Lila took that as her cue to leave. She lingered at the door for a moment before glancing back at Clare. “You know, Clare, you’re really not bolstering this ‘esteemed older sister’ image, with some of the things you tell me.”

Clare glared at Lila. “You wanna be dropped off tomorrow morning, or what? You can walk, you know.”

Lila simply smirked as she exited, softly closing Clare’s door behind her.

----------------------------------------

“Need any help finding an outfit today?” Clare asked, poking her head in Lila’s room the next morning at about 10am. Lila was standing in front of her mirror, dressed in a simple, striped knit jumper and white-washed jeans.

“I think this is fine,” Lila replied, looking back at Clare. Clare sighed.

“Yeah, if you wanna be boring. Or the Hamburglar.”

“Thanks,” Lila frowned, turning back towards the mirror and tugging on the hem of her jumper.

“You should at least tie your hair up high,” Clare suggested, still half-in Lila’s room.

“Righto,” sighed Lila, doing just that.

“Are you sure you want to look so casual? I mean, what are you even planning on doing today?”

“I don’t really have plans,” Lila replied despondently. “I was just going to, I dunno, sit around his house. He’s got a couple gaming consoles, some books.”

“Sounds absolutely thrilling,” Clare snorted. “Exactly not like the set-up that gets people pregnant, ‘cause they’re too bored.”

Lila rolled her eyes at Clare, who immediately looked guilty.

“Shit, that was a bad joke. Too soon?” she asked, fully stepping inside Lila’s room now.

“Look, it really doesn’t bother me nearly as much as it bothers Asher,” Lila replied loftily, looking at the mirror again. “I’m more… confused, I guess. Like, she had Asher. What else did she need?”

“Sex, clearly,” Clare replied derisively. “Anyway, I’m thinking you need to look a bit cuter, Lila.”

“I thought I was always cute, according to you. Since we look so alike,” Lila replied flatly, watching Clare stomp across Lila’s room and rifle through her wardrobe via the mirror’s reflection.

“Yeah, yeah, you do, but you can always look even cuter,” Clare insisted, her voice slightly muffled. She pulled out the sweater dress that Lila had worn on her date with Theo.

“You could wear this little number,” Clare said haughtily, waving it around by its coat hanger.

“No dice,” Lila said immediately, folding her arms. “I wore that on my date with Theo. I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else.”

“It was that memorable, was it?” Clare asked, raising an eyebrow. Lila instantly blushed and turned away from Clare.

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“Just… think I should wear other things if I’m hanging out with Asher. It’d be like, I dunno, like I was betraying him by wearing the same stuff that I wore with Theo.”

“Dude, it’s just a dress,” Clare laughed incredulously. “Sounds like you’ve got a whole lot to unpack there. Besides, you can always make new memories in old clothes. Not like you’re bringing Theo along to Asher’s. Might be good for you to attribute it to something else. Besides, your wardrobe is crying out for an update. Can’t find anything in here that tells Asher ‘Please date me, I’m too cute to be left alone’.”

Clare said the last part as she dramatically clasped her hands together and moved from side to side like an over-exaggerated, coy schoolgirl.

“Please don’t do that again,” Lila sighed. “Surely that’s not good for your last remaining shreds of dignity.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Clare chuckled. “Alright, what about this skirt?”

She pulled out a short, black circle skirt made of a thick, elastic-rich material. “And get out of that ugly jumper. This one’s better.”

Clare held up a cropped, fluffy, cream-coloured jumper before tossing both items of clothing at Lila. Lila relented, and when she was changed, Clare nodded approvingly.

“Much better. Now you look dateable. C’mon, let’s go.”

Lila glanced around her room before picking up her messenger bag containing a couple books and her personal laptop.

“Uh, put that down,” Clare said, doubling back and narrowing her eyes at the offending bag. “If you’re taking that ‘cause you wanna bring stuff, put it in a tote bag or something.”

Lila sighed, finding a plain black tote bag and placing her laptop, books and wallet in it. “Happy now?”

“Much,” Clare grinned. “Now I’ll actually let you in my car.”

They didn’t talk much on the car ride to Asher’s as each passing metre set Lila’s nerves on edge. What would Asher be like? Would he want to hang out with her? Would he want to rescind his confession? Would they go back to being normal with each other?

“Stop stressing,” Clare said soothingly once she parked outside Asher’s house. “Relax. If it does all go downhill, just text me and I’ll come right back, alright? I’m not working tonight.”

“O-Okay,” Lila stammered, her face pale. Clare’s expression changed to one of pity.

“We can go home, tell Asher you’re sick?”

Lila vehemently shook her head. “No, it’s fine. I need to do this. I can’t make time stop, and I can’t go back and change it. I just hope it goes in a good direction.”

“Of course it will,” Clare said comfortingly. “Like I said, he likes you too. There’s no way that Asher, of all people, would let it just fall apart right there – and especially not after liking you for literal years. He’s just sorting himself out, and he knows you’re waiting for him. But, man, you must really like him, if you’re this stressed about it. If you were a mouse, you’d be long dead of a heart attack.”

Lila gave an exasperated sigh before nodding. “Good thing I’m not a mouse, then. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else, at least.”

“Adorable,” Clare smirked. “Double adorable, here he comes.”

Lila whipped her head around to look out her window. Sure enough, there was Asher, his hands in the pockets of his navy shorts, and grey, V-neck shirt surprisingly crease-free. His hair seemed to be neatly done, too – at least, done enough to showcase the style of his haircut, yet not like it was at semi. His face looked incredibly nervous – just as nervous as Lila felt.

That fact eased Lila slightly. Perhaps it wasn’t just her that was so anxious about the state of things…

“Have fun,” Clare said cheerfully. “I’ll pick you up. Just let me know what time.”

“Thanks, Clare,” Lila replied with a smile. “Really.”

“Eh, just big sister things,” Clare managed to say before Asher opened Lila’s door.

“H-H-Hey,” he said through chattering teeth. “W-Welcome.”

Lila heard Clare inhale sharply and she glanced at her. Clare’s face was puffed up, as though suppressing a laugh.

“You should’ve worn a jacket,” Lila said, clambering out of Clare’s car. “You must be freezing.”

“Not cold at all,” Asher managed to say, his face turning bright red. “It’s… wow, that was embarrassing.”

“Hi, Asher,” Clare called from the driver’s seat, leaning over. “Hope you treat Lila nicely today.”

Asher looked incredibly guilty after Clare’s request and before he could say anything, Lila firmly closed the car door. Clare waved at them and drove away.

“I really need to get my licence,” Lila lamented. “She means well, but… sorry.”

“I’m guessing you said some things to her?”

“A couple,” Lila admitted, averting her gaze from Asher. “I’d told her about my plan before she dropped me off the other day… I was kinda panicking.”

“Panicking, huh,” Asher repeated softly. He folded his arms before turning to walk back towards his house. “You’ll freeze out here. Let’s go inside. Um, you look nice today, though.”

“Thanks,” Lila blushed, the heat of her cheeks warming the rest of her. “You look a bit more ‘shevelled than usual.”

“I’m surprised you noticed,” Asher replied with an almost imperceptible smile.

“Was I not supposed to?”

“… I didn’t have any expectations.”

Lila took her shoes off in the entryway as usual and followed Asher towards the kitchen. Gabriel was washing his hands in the sink and beamed at Lila as she approached.

“Good morning, Lila,” he said happily. “I hope you’re hungry today.”

“I’m getting there,” Lila responded with a smile. “You seem like you’re in a good mood.”

“Well, with school holidays on, I’m just expecting you around more often,” he explained jovially. “Means there’s more people to enjoy my cooking.”

“I’ve been wondering,” Lila said contemplatively. “Why aren’t you the cook at your nightclub?”

Gabriel shuddered. “Work in an actual restaurant? No, my dear. That’s a nightmare waiting to happen. I can’t handle it when people yell at me while I’m already under pressure.”

“Surely they wouldn’t yell at you if you’re the owner, too,” Lila frowned. “That’s a recipe for disaster.”

“In the kitchen, anything goes,” Gabriel said darkly. He smiled warmly again at Lila. “I’m perfectly content with cooking for this small audience here. Remember, I’m here because I want to be, not because I have to be. Anyway, I’ll call you both down in a little bit.”

Lila and Asher wordlessly went up to the rumpus room. Lila wasn’t sure whether Asher had said anything to Gabriel about Saturday, but she also didn’t want to ask. In fact, she didn’t want to say anything at all, now that she was alone in Asher’s presence.

She sat in her usual spot, resting the tote bag on the side of the couch, as Asher poured them drinks. She glanced at him as he gave her a cup and saw that his face was red again. He sat down, his back entirely straight, staring at the cup of juice in his hands. They sat like this, in total silence, for a few moments. Then, the moments stretched towards minutes.

“So…” Asher eventually said, his voice shaking slightly. He didn’t look at Lila as he continued. “You came back.”

“Did you think I wasn’t going to?” Lila asked quietly, looking down at her own cup.

“Kinda, yeah,” he admitted, taking a sip. “I… if that happened to me, I don’t know if I’d come back until I had to.”

Lila nodded, taking a sip as well. “I… wanted to see you again. I guess that’s what happens when you like someone.”

“Y-Yeah. I wanted to see you, too.”

“Despite everything?” Lila questioned, looking at him sharply. His eyes met hers before sliding back to his cup, a grimace slowly forming.

“Yeah… I’m sorry.”

“You keep saying that,” Lila observed. “Like I said. Don’t be. It’s fine.”

“But every time you say it, your lips tremble like you’re gonna cry,” Asher said gently, a sad smile on his face. Was that true? Lila’s hands leapt to her lips, touching them briefly. He was right.

“I ended up crying,” Asher continued matter-of-factly, putting his cup down. “Like a little bitch. After you left. Then Isaac called me yesterday. He sounded kinda mad to start off with, said he saw you and Clare in the drive-thru and that you looked devastated. A-And then I cried some more on the phone with him. So embarrassing…” he paused, wincing. Then, he took a deep breath and continued.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you wanna cry… feel free to. After I told Isaac that I… laughed… he got super pissed. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him that mad, to be honest. Said if he could drive, he’d come to my house and beat me up, but he didn’t want to force his parents to take him just for that. He also said he wouldn’t be shocked if you didn’t want to see me for ages.”

“That’s surprisingly honest,” Lila commented, placing her cup down on the coffee table. “I would’ve thought you wouldn’t want to tell me all that.”

“Lila, I can’t shut up around you,” Asher said, his eyes shining. “I mean it. I can’t help myself. It’s… been a mission and a half, to not tell you that I like you, all year.”

“Why didn’t you want to tell me?” Lila queried, sitting up straight. Asher placed a hand over his eyes before responding.

“I… didn’t want to scare you away. I’ve heard that when some girls realise their guy friends like them, they don’t want to be friends with them anymore. A-And I thought it’d never be reciprocated. So, I kept it inside.”

“You said all year… so, even when you were with Holly?”

“Of course,” Asher replied candidly, rubbing his face. “I told you before, that I felt super guilty about liking you when I was with Holly. That didn’t mean my feelings went away. I thought they had until I found myself asking if you were dating someone the first time you came over. I wanted to kick myself for asking, and then kick myself again when I had to tell you I was dating Holly. My head’s been a whole mess, while I was with Holly. She cheated on me, but I guess sometimes I wonder if I was emotionally cheating on her… especially when I told you about Mum, and not her.”

“Maybe you realised she was disingenuous,” Lila suggested lightly. “So you weren’t able to give yourself completely to her.”

“Maybe,” Asher sighed, hanging his head low. “Or maybe she realised I was disingenuous, so she cheated.”

“Timing-wise, she was cheating before we became English partners, and you thought the feelings went away before our first meeting here. She could’ve just broken up with you.”

“And I, her, when I figured out I still liked you.”

Lila didn’t have a rebuttal to that.

“But… I can’t change the past,” Asher whispered, clenching his fists. “Just… have to deal with the bullshit that’s left in its wake.”

“I can help, you know,” Lila offered. “Help you get over her.”

“It’s hard to describe, what I’m feeling about what happened with Holly,” Asher said slowly. “I’m over her as a human, and as my ex - at least, I’m 90% sure of that. I did love her, or at least what I thought at the time was love. But when her façade shattered, so did my love for her. What… I’m struggling with… is trusting my heart to someone else again. I trust you, Lila, with everything. But I’m scared to get into a relationship again. I… don’t think you’d cheat on me, but, fuck, that’s a big fear that I’d never had before Holly. And… I’m struggling with my feelings of inadequacy and stupidity. And how I’d never noticed.”

He glanced at her before smirking, though it seemed more sarcastic than light-hearted. “I don’t know if you’d noticed, but… I’m pretty insecure on my own. This… has just jacked that up so much more. And I need to figure it out, by myself, without pulling you into it. I… don’t want to hurt you with my hurt. Right now… I can’t trust myself to do that. And that kills me to say.”

“I respect it,” Lila said reassuringly. “I wish I could do something to help, but, I mean, there’s kinda an ulterior motive to that, too.”

Asher laughed, his face pink. “Hearing you say stuff like that… it’s like I’m living in a dream. And one day, I’m gonna wake up. Realise it was all in my head.”

“It’s not in your head,” Lila responded firmly. “I like you, have done for months.”

“… Why… didn’t you tell me earlier?” He was looking away from her now and towards his hands, which were twisting in his lap.

“I’d denied my feelings. For a really long time. Then… when I saw you helping Daniel… it just clicked. And I wanted to feel my feelings first, and then… I tried to tell you. But things kept getting in the way. Looking back, though… I was really bothered about you having a girlfriend at the start of the year. I was just too stubborn to see it. It got even worse when my friends started challenging me, saying it was a crush. But, of course, they were right. They usually are.”

“No wonder you got me a souvenir from your date with Theo,” Asher murmured.

“I… thought you’d like it,” Lila replied, avoiding his gaze. “I ran it by Elise and Grace… after I bought it. If it was a good idea or not. Elise said it was cooked, to get a guy something when I was on a date with a different guy. I kinda hoped you wouldn’t notice that it was from the aquarium.”

Asher smirked, this time with his eyes sparkling with amusement. “I may be dumb, but I can read. It’s got a little tag that says the aquarium on the keychain.”

Lila buried her face in her hands. She could feel Asher shake with laughter, though he didn’t make any sound – probably to spare her feelings. A new thought occurred to her and she quickly looked up at him.

“Did you know that I liked you?”

He blinked at her before shaking his head. “Not at all. And especially not for that long. Isaac and Daniel mentioned that you might, but it was pretty unbelievable. Then you went on a date with Theo and I knew– well, thought I knew –that you didn’t like me.”

“I… said yes to him in a panic,” Lila admitted softly. “I mean, I didn’t even say ‘yes’, just ‘sounds great’. He seemed so nervous and it just came out before I could think. Then, I realised that I’d be able to ask him questions. And… I thought that maybe going on the date would help me get over you. Since I didn’t think it’d end well for me, if I told you how I felt, considering Holly and all that. And I guess I wasn’t entirely wrong there.”

Asher blanched, his eyes as wide as they could go.

“N-Not trying to make you feel guilty,” Lila added hastily. “It just hurt, being around you and having these feelings. S-So I had to tell you, even though I thought it would be a bad idea. But I feel better now. And the date with Theo showed me how different you two are, and I guess… reaffirmed my feelings for you. I ended up telling him that I liked you. After he tried to kiss me.”

“Damn, way to do this boy dirty,” Asher chuckled, a grin creeping on his face. “Would you call it a pity date?”

Lila blushed again, embarrassed that he’d pointed that out so quickly. “I… yeah. That’s what Clare said.”

They sat in silence for a few more moments, before Lila snuck a peek at Asher. He still had a slight smile on his face as he looked back down at his hands, which he slowly flexed.

“It… seems like you’ve thought about this a lot,” Lila noted quietly.

“You could say that,” Asher sighed. “I’ve been introspecting a ton. About this. I… haven’t been able to sleep properly, so you could say I’ve had a lot of time on my hands. Especially after you told me you were going on a date with Theo. And figuring out what’s going on with me, and what I’m doing and what I want to do… that’s really important to me. I- well. This chance, that’s appeared before me. I don’t want to screw it up, and I don’t want to screw you up, either.”

Something stirred in Lila’s mind – that sounded familiar, somehow. She pursed her lips as she tried to think where she’d heard him say that before. He seemed to have noticed and looked somewhat awkward.

“… It’s different, from how I felt with Holly. She was, well then, at least, too perfect. Like an idol I shouldn’t sully. That if I got too close to her, I’d drag her down – and I’d never be good enough. With you… I… dunno what it is, but it’s different.”

He frowned, seeming bothered by the fact that he didn’t know what he was feeling.

“Looks like I’ll be thinking about that one for weeks,” he said, sounding resigned. He smiled at her. “So? You seem like you’ve thought about things,” he said, gesturing for her to speak.

“Kinda. I just… I don’t know. I know I like you, but that’s all I’ve got so far. I was really scared, coming here today, ‘cause I thought you might take it all back. And this… whatever we’re in… it’s confusing. What are we?”

“I dunno,” Asher admitted. “Special friends?”

Lila shot him a glare.

“Totally not-special friends,” Asher said quickly, evidently perplexed by her reaction. Lila exhaled, leaning back into the couch.

“I guess… it’s complicated,” she said softly.

“Sure is,” Asher agreed just as softly. “… sorry.”

“Stop that.”

“Sorry.”

“Asher.”

“Sorry.”

Lila shook her head before tugging at the hem of her skirt. “Have you told Gabriel? Or Marlene?”

“About what?”

“About… us.”

“That we’re totally not-special friends?”

Lila grabbed a decorative cushion that was next to her and lightly smacked him on the arm with it. He chuckled before gently taking it from her and placing it on his lap.

“No. What would I even say? I didn’t even wanna tell Isaac, ‘cause we’re back to me being the square root of all issues. That we’re not dating because of me. And even he was super mad at me. I don’t think Gabriel would be supportive of that fact either. And I’m not telling Marlene shit, ever.”

“I see. I… think you should talk to Gabriel, at least.”

“Why?” he asked, looking bewildered.

“Well… I got a lot of help from Clare. I just reckon that maybe talking to someone older, with more experience, could help.”

“I dunno if Gabriel is experienced in relationships,” Asher furrowed his brow as he said this. “But… I guess… it couldn’t hurt. Maybe. Maybe he’d hurt me.”

“Never,” Lila replied confidently. “The most he’d do is downgrade your lunches to boring-ass sandwiches.”

Asher chuckled again. “I’ll think about it, I guess.”

They sat in more silence before Asher reached over the coffee table and pulled out a set of joy cons.

“Wanna play a game?”

Lila laughed – it was a bit absurd, that they were having a deep and meaningful conversation about their feelings for each other and how they weren’t going to do anything about it for now before immediately playing a game together. Though… would she really have it any other way? Whether or not they were dating, whiling away their school holidays, together on Asher’s couch with a game or two, sounded perfect.

They played a few rounds before Gabriel called them down for lunch. It was a rich and creamy potato and leek soup, with a healthy amount of garlic throughout. It was paired with fresh sourdough bread, which Lila eagerly dipped into the soup.

“This is fantastic, Gabriel,” Lila beamed. “I didn’t know I’d like something like this.”

“Of course you would,” Gabriel said playfully, his eyes twinkling. “I made it, after all.”

Asher heartily dug into his soup, with the same increased zest that Lila had noticed recently.

Once they finished their lunch, Gabriel asked what they were up to for the rest of the day. Asher moved slightly in his seat, glancing at Lila shiftily.

“I… didn’t really have plans,” he said, looking back at Gabriel. Gabriel raised his eyebrows suspiciously at Asher as he collected their plates.

“I hope you sort something out,” he said sternly. “Bored teenagers are a recipe for disaster.”

Asher blushed, standing abruptly. “L-Let’s go upstairs,” he said to Lila hastily. “We can keep playing that new game. The one on the Switch.”

Lila followed Asher upstairs without a word to Gabriel, who seemed satisfied with their speedy disappearance. Asher relaxed on the couch as soon as they arrived, passing Lila a set of joy cons. The rest of the day passed in this cosy, comfortable way, eventually taking a break from gaming as Asher had made Lila laugh so hard with his antics that she couldn’t continue playing. So, they switched over to watching videos instead – mostly of animal facts today.

If they had been dating… perhaps it would’ve been a great opportunity for Lila to cuddle in close to Asher, listening to the rhythm of his heart beating against his ribcage, his warmth ensuring the winter chill wouldn’t freeze her over. But, alas, Lila sat far enough away from him to avoid such temptations.

“Hey, Lila,” Asher said quietly, as dinner drew close. “Are you busy tomorrow?”

“No,” Lila replied, a little too quickly for her liking. “Not at all.”

He sat up and turned his head towards her, a nervous smile twitching the corners of his mouth. “Do you wanna go to the shopping centre tomorrow?”

“With you?”

“Yes, with me. We’ve got some things to buy, haven’t we?”

There was something Lila seemed to be forgetting… a reason they needed to go to the shops… that much was apparent in the expression Asher was conveying. But what? All she could think about was their conversation from earlier today.

“I-I guess we do,” Lila responded tentatively, looking away from his face. It truly was a guess at this point.

“Did you wanna meet there?” Asher asked, scrolling through some video offerings. “I mean, you’d have to take the bus with me there if you came here anyway.”

“I can meet you there,” Lila confirmed softly. “Clare’ll probably drop me off. Well, actually, I think your house is in the direction of the shopping centre. We can pick you up on the way?”

Asher seemed to ponder this for a moment, pausing his scrolling. “Yeah. Sounds good. If she wants to.”

Gabriel called them down for dinner soon after, and in what felt like an instant, Lila was at home, having been picked up by Clare, and drifting off to sleep blissfully. A comforting warmth sat within her torso as her breathing slowed, relief having overcome her as soon as her head touched the pillow. After all the pent-up worry and anxiety she’d been experiencing, sleep felt like a sweet reward.