Chapter Forty

Lila woke up exhausted on Thursday morning. She’d somehow slept through a couple alarms, and Daniel even came in to rouse her.

“Oi, wake up,” he said loudly, his blurry face hovering over her half-asleep form. “We’ve got school.”

She sat up slowly, wiping the sleep from her eyes.

“T-Thanks,” she said with a yawn.

“If you keep sleeping, you’ll have to get on the bus with me, you know,” he said, raising an eyebrow at her and knotting his school tie as he spoke. “And we all know how much you hate not being early.”

Lila rolled her eyes at him and he left as she dressed for school. She felt lethargic, her muscles achy and like she was running on autopilot. The whiplash of the events of the past couple of days had clearly been taking its toll on her.

Despite her late start, she managed to catch her usual bus. Lila glanced at the back of the bus, half-expecting Piper to be sitting there.

‘Of course she’s not,’ Lila thought to herself, shaking her head. ‘She’s been expelled.’

The reminder of Piper’s expulsion filled Lila with mixed emotions. She hadn’t wanted Piper to be expelled, given how severe of a punishment that was. On the other hand, the fact that Piper had obviously not learnt her lesson during her suspension filled Lila with a level of wrath she hadn’t known she could possess. Lila was also anxious about this upcoming meeting with her parents and the Headmaster, but at least from the email it seemed like a while away. She could at least think of a game plan to ensure they didn’t freak out too hard and pull her out of school, or ban her from seeing Asher, or whatever method of control they had access to that they deemed necessary to exert.

English was her first class of the day. Would Asher be there? Would he be okay? He still hadn’t responded to her text advising him that Piper had been expelled. Upon arriving at the Language Block, she couldn’t see Asher, or anyone actually, outside. Checking the time, she realised she was 15 minutes or so early.

Lila entered the classroom hesitantly. Asher was the only other person inside, sitting straight in his seat, staring unblinkingly at the whiteboard. His complexion was deathly pale, his bags under his eyes a ghastly purple again. His stubble was particularly noticeable against his pale face. His tie wasn’t done up all the way, and his hair looked like he’d had a battle with a shredder and lost with how messy it was. His blazer was crumpled beyond belief. On his desk was a copy of Romeo and Juliet, but was otherwise empty – not even a notebook or his laptop in sight.

“H-Hi,” Lila said tentatively, taking her usual seat next to him, careful to avoid the heavy-looking bookbag resting on the back leg of his chair. His eyes tracked her movements briefly, but he didn’t say anything.

“You don’t have to worry about Piper anymore,” Lila said softly, pulling out her materials. He grunted in response, but otherwise still didn’t move or react. Lila sighed. As today was a reading lesson, she thought he might cheer up after hearing everyone stumble through the play. Lila had run out of ways to connect with Asher and bring him back from whatever he was going through. ‘He just needs time,’ she tried to reassure herself. ‘And it doesn’t seem like it’s a problem with me…’

Lila took a peek at her copy of Romeo and Juliet. Today they would be reading through Act 2, Scene 2. The famous balcony scene that Asher had mentioned. He’d seemed excited to talk it through with Lila on ANZAC Day – just the Tuesday before last. Hopefully, it’d bring some life back to him.

The rest of their class filtered in, and Ms Shard clapped her hands to grab their attention once the lesson began before announcing today's agenda. “Alright, everyone. Another reading class. Today, we’ll be going through Act 2, Scene 2. This is one of the most famous parts of the play. Without further ado, let’s dive in.”

As had been par for the course of reading lessons, Ms Shard randomly selected students to read out loud. With each line that was read out, however, Lila sensed that Asher was growing more and more agitated. Now instead of a blank look on his face, he was scowling, the furrows of his brow deepening by the second.

Eventually, it was Liam’s turn again. He sighed heavily as he slowly turned to the correct page and cleared his throat. A couple of students next to him chuckled and nudged him, but he begrudgingly read out Romeo’s lines without looking at them.

“With love’s light wings did I o’erperch these walls, for stony limits cannot hold love out; and what love can do, that dares love attempt. Therefore-”

“Fuck,” Asher hissed through gritted teeth, getting up so violently and quickly that his chair clattered to the floor, halting Liam’s reading. Lila blinked at Asher in surprise. Lila could have sworn that he was on the verge of tears. He stormed out of the classroom, his copy of Romeo and Juliet still unopened on his desk. Ms Shard spluttered in disbelief in his wake.

“I didn’t think Shakespeare would be so offensive,” she finally managed to squawk. A poorly suppressed giggle came from one of Lila’s classmates, but the rest of the class was otherwise quiet.

“Lila,” Ms Shard sighed, cleaning her glasses on her blouse, “please retrieve him.”

“Why me?” Lila asked apprehensively.

“Don’t think he’d listen to anyone else here,” Ms Shard replied testily, staring down at Lila. Lila didn’t dare try and argue the point and stood up, Liam continuing with his reading as she left.

Lila could still see Asher in the distance, speedwalking with an energy she didn’t know he was capable of by how ill he looked.

“Asher! Wait!” she called behind him, beginning to jog to try and keep up now. He didn’t look back at her and seemed to increase his speed. Lila continued to follow Asher, unsure of where he was headed. Eventually, he began to slow down. They were at the edge of the school now, facing a bus stop.

“Asher… where are you going?” she asked, slowing down her pace too.

“Home,” he said, furiously wiping his face with the back of his hands. “I can’t stay here.”

“Asher, you’ve been real off the past few days. Ever since debating,” Lila said quietly. “What happened?”

“What happened?” Asher asked in an almost-shriek. “I don’t know Lila! What happened?”

He choked on his words, looking away from Lila and towards the road.

“I know it’s not because you lost debating,” Lila said softly, stepping closer to Asher. “I know it’s not because of Piper. Asher, you can trust me. Please, tell me.”

Asher stepped away from Lila, his eyes wild – almost like he was a wounded animal.

“I… I can’t,” he said, his eyes turning red. “’Cause then it’ll be real.”

Lila stepped closer again. “Have you talked to Isaac about it?”

“No,” Asher whispered, trembling from head to toe.

“What about Holly?” Lila asked softly, taking another step forward. At this, Asher let out a shuddering breath. He looked at Lila like she had personally stabbed him, a mixture of wrath and sorrow competing to be the dominant emotion across his face.

“I broke up with Holly,” he spat. Lila’s eyes widened and she stopped in her tracks. It didn’t feel like she’d heard him properly.

“Wh-”

“She’s pregnant.”

Lila felt as though the physics of the world had given away, her breath catching in her throat. Her vision became dazed, the sun suddenly too bright. Asher began to sink onto the ground, clutching his head in his hands. Lila immediately followed his trajectory, kneeling on the hard concrete. A pained howl escaped from his lips, and for the first time, though he’d been plenty close, he began to weep before Lila. Lila reached out to touch him, but at that moment, the squeal of airbrakes cut through the air. Asher looked up, seeing a bus pulling forward nearby. He flung a hand up in the air, almost with violent force, and the bus came to an abrupt stop.

“Asher,” Lila called, a pleading note in her voice. He swiftly sprinted towards the bus, without taking a look back at Lila, and threw himself up the steps of the bus. She watched as the bus swallowed Asher and lurched forward down the street, the roar of the engine barely competing with the sound of blood rushing through her ears.

“… wait,” Lila’s voice broke, her plea to no one falling short. Her eyes began to swim with tears. She tried and failed to stand on her first attempt, her legs seemingly replaced with jelly. She struggled for a few more minutes, her tears falling onto her lap.

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Eventually, Lila inhaled deeply for ten seconds, though her mind was clouded. She didn’t know what to do anymore. Lila reflexively pulled her phone out of her pocket and checked the time. Lila and Asher had only been gone for about five minutes, despite the fact that it felt more like twenty. Though… Asher didn’t look like he’d be coming back anytime soon.

Lila slowly trudged back to the English classroom, her feet feeling as though they were made of lead. Her head was spinning, but her current goal was at least clear now. She needed to tell Ms Shard that Asher had left.

When Lila finally opened the door to the English classroom, all of her classmates turned to look in her direction. Lila was still beating back tears but took another deep breath.

“Alright, class, you can enjoy some quiet reading for a few minutes,” Ms Shard said, putting down her copy of Romeo and Juliet. She crossed the room towards Lila and gestured for Lila to step outside.

“Lila, where’s Asher?” Ms Shard asked in a low voice, her motherly eyes full of concern as they peered at her over the rim of her glasses.

“… Asher regrettably feels quite ill and is remorseful to have missed this reading of Shakespeare. He’ll be heading home for the day. He is apologetic to have interrupted the class.”

Ms Shard looked taken aback, blinking rapidly at Lila. “Did Asher ask you to say that?” she asked.

“Yes,” Lila lied, looking down at her shoes. Ms Shard sighed, stepping aside to let Lila back into the classroom.

“We’ve got about ten minutes left of class,” Ms Shard said softly. “Thank you for letting me know. I’ll need to advise the Administration.”

Lila fell into her seat. For some reason, it felt as if she had cotton wool in her ears. Her eyes couldn’t focus as if she was looking through frosted glass. The colours of the classroom, just previously so vibrant, seemed to be blending into each other. Her mind was reeling both far too fast and too slowly. In the blink of an eye, class was over but Lila couldn’t will herself to move.

“Lila?” Ms Shard’s voice said gently. Lila slowly turned her head to face Ms Shard, her wrinkled face sharply coming into focus.

“Class is finished, Lila,” Ms Shard said with a kind smile. “Let’s get going.”

Ms Shard waited for Lila to finish packing up. Lila glanced at Asher’s desk and robotically placed his still-unopened copy of Romeo and Juliet inside his bookbag, next to his Chem textbook. She placed his bookbag on her right shoulder next to hers before tucking his chair back in. Lila then walked with Ms Shard outside the classroom.

“Do you need to go to the Sickbay, Lila?” Ms Shard asked kindly.

“N-No, ma’am,” Lila replied, blinking rapidly in the sudden sunlight. “I’ll be fine.”

“If you’re sure,” Ms Shard sighed. “I do hope Asher is okay.”

Lila looked away from Ms Shard, inhaling deeply.

“I… don’t think he is,” she eventually whispered. Ms Shard simply nodded and said goodbye to Lila before heading off in the direction of her next class. The weight of Asher’s bag cut into Lila’s shoulder as she ambled towards Maths. Maths flashed by and Lila found herself sitting in PC, Grace and Elise looking at her in boundless concern. Lila could hardly remember how she’d arrived here, her mind a mess of many different threads of thought that she couldn’t unknot.

“Lila, where were you at morning tea?” Grace asked gently.

“I… bathroom,” Lila replied, resting her head on her desk. She’d hidden away in there to try and make sense of her thoughts, but it hadn’t worked.

“Did something happen?” Elise asked, rubbing Lila’s shoulder.

“… Asher went home,” Lila said into the desk.

“Is he okay?” Grace asked.

“No,” Lila sighed.

“And I’m guessing that you know why he’s not okay,” Elise replied. Lila nodded, still not lifting her head.

“Is it to do with the fact that Piper’s locker is completely empty and unlocked?” Elise asked.

Lila shook her head.

“Maybe Lila needs some time to process,” Grace suggested gently. The pressure of Elise’s hands on Lila’s shoulder promptly disappeared. Lila could hear Grace and Elise murmuring amongst themselves, but it didn’t seem to be about anything particularly noteworthy.

Lila had PE next, and she somehow dragged herself to the gymnasium. It had no traces of semi left. As her last PE lesson had fallen on a public holiday, it was the first time Lila had stepped foot in the gymnasium since semi. Every time she closed her eyes whilst standing in the hall, she saw flashes of Asher, holding her as they danced, or making silly faces with her in the photo booth, intermingled with the face he’d given her when she’d mentioned Holly just this morning.

Lila shuffled to her usual place while Ms Wright briefed the class on the agenda for today – volleyball. Ms Wright picked a couple of students to assist in setting up the nets. Lila could feel a pair of eyes on her as she sat on the floor, waiting for class to start. Lila turned her head and saw that Ayla was staring at her, misty-eyed. The space where Piper would usually be sitting was noticeably empty – just like where Asher normally sat. Lila couldn’t tell from Ayla’s expression whether she was angry with Lila but as the incessant staring hadn’t stopped when Lila caught her, Lila figured that Ayla might just be shocked.

‘Is that what I am?’ Lila thought numbly, letting her legs stretch out before her. Ms Wright called everyone to play a few rounds of volleyball, though Lila didn’t have any energy to participate with any modicum of enthusiasm. After Lila was subbed out, she walked to the edge of the court and sank to the floor. She held her knees to her chest, her classmates falling out of focus.

“Lila?” Ms Wright asked, kneeling next to Lila. Lila hadn’t noticed her approach.

“Hello,” Lila replied glumly.

“I’ve noticed that Asher isn’t in class today,” Ms Wright said, her eyes not leaving Lila’s face. Lila’s eyes flickered to Ms Wright’s for just a moment, before looking back at the bumps along her kneecaps.

“Did you check in with him?” Ms Wright asked gently.

“… sure,” Lila shrugged, any strength in her voice that she normally possessed abandoning her.

“I’m assuming he’s not going so well,” Ms Wright said in a low voice. Lila nodded.

“Okay. I’ve also noticed that you don’t seem yourself, Lila. Is there anything else?”

“A couple things,” Lila said softly. “I’m guessing you know about Piper.”

“Yes,” Ms Wright replied. “Not the full story, but enough to know in rough terms why she’s no longer in my class or on my roll.”

“Okay.”

“I hope to see you on Saturday, Lila,” Ms Wright said after a few moments. “Some time outside will do you some good, I think.”

“Okay, ma’am,” Lila replied listlessly, still not looking at Ms Wright. She felt Ms Wright stand up and head back towards the volleyball game. Eventually, class was dismissed for lunch and Lila continued to go through her classes in a haze. Grace and Elise tried to connect with her at lunch and during Modern History, but Lila may as well have been on a different planet altogether.

Once she was home, Lila closed herself in her room, letting out a deep breath that seemed to be holding back the swirling mass of emotion that she’d been storing in her chest.

‘Asher broke up with Holly and she’s pregnant,’ Lila thought as she lowered herself into her bed, her brow furrowed. If Holly was pregnant, then that would mean that Asher had…

Lila turned around on her bed, facing the wall and holding her pillow in a chokehold as she tried to think. The Asher that she thought she knew was the type of guy who was responsible to a fault. He’d defended Lila and Holly against Piper without any regard for how he’d look afterwards. He’d set to work on tearing down rumours about Lila before she’d even heard of them. He’d taken it upon himself to look for his mother, alone, for over a month. He’d been the long-running Dux, and eligible for Debating Captain. This was not a guy that she thought was even capable of abandoning his pregnant girlfriend…

Lila ran her fingers through her hair in frustration. He cried. Despite everything he’d gone through, everything that he’d divulged to Lila over the past few months alone, he hadn’t cried. Not in front of Lila, at least. Despite her own tears, even. The kind of pain that he would be in to drop his guard that low must be immense.

But why? Sure, being a teen father would be overwhelming and terrifying. Lila could only imagine that being a teen mother might be even more so. But wouldn’t that mean that he would want to stay by Holly’s side even more? She was carrying his…

Tears began to slide down Lila’s face. She hadn’t noticed that she started crying. Why was she crying? She’d known that Asher and Holly were most likely having sex. He’d basically said as much, the very first night she’d gone to his place. But the concrete existence of his child was bringing this point to such a sharp focus that she couldn’t catch her breath. She couldn’t begin to articulate the reasons why this piece of news was affecting her so badly…

She took a deep, shuddering breath as she tried to refocus her thoughts. Holly and Asher had been such a great match. He looked so happy with her. He even loved her enough to declare such in front of the whole cohort, just about. Even when Lila had met her, over a month ago, Asher had seemed unable to keep his hands off Holly. He’d been so excited to compete against Holly in debating, and go to Mulberry Heights to see her. They’d even seemed invincible after all the lengths Piper had gone to. From Lila’s perspective, they were utterly devoted to each other. Surely her pregnancy wouldn’t tear that apart? Wouldn’t a pregnancy only bolster their feelings after getting over the initial shock of becoming parents?

Lila could only imagine that Holly would be heartbroken, too. If Asher had gotten Lila pregnant and broken up with her, Lila knew she would be devastated.

Her heart skipped a beat as she readdressed that thought. It wasn’t as though Lila would ever be close to living that scenario. So why did it occur to her? Her heart drummed in her chest as more tears rolled down her cheeks. Lila brushed them away before wiping her hands down her face. Her trembling fingers halted when they reached her mouth.

Her mouth was split in an unseemly smile. Lila clapped a hand over it, a ripple of unease crashing in her stomach. Why was she smiling?

But, despite her questioning, there was no stopping the sudden rush of giddiness that overcame her. Asher had broken up with Holly. She didn’t have to worry about Holly anymore. Asher… no longer had a girlfriend.

Lila quickly tried to come back to her senses, but her attempts were overridden by the exhilaration beating through her veins. She couldn’t stop grinning, though a niggling feeling of self-hate began to ooze into her mind.

‘You’re disgusting,’ Lila’s inner thoughts whispered to her as she tried to wrestle control back from her emotions. Lila cocooned herself within her bed sheets, disorientated by the whiplash of her own thoughts. She laid like this for a few minutes, her breathing shallow and unmeasured.

‘That’s right,’ Lila eventually admitted to herself, ‘I am disgusting.’

Asher was clearly in agony. Yet, here Lila was, smiling. Here Lila was, happy. She truly was an awful person… a monster, even.

Lila was stuck in an endless loop of self-hatred, glee, and feeling utter sympathy for Asher for an hour or so before she clapped her hands to her cheeks. She needed to get her act together. Now that she had seen Asher’s tears that morning, she knew for a fact that he needed help. Knowing what she knew about Asher, he wasn’t about to ask anyone for help, either. It had been hard enough for him to ask Lila for help about his Mum, and he hadn’t cried about that in front of her.

Lila clenched her fists, gritting her teeth. She needed to get a grip. Lila engaged her breathing exercises again, trying to reconnect her mind and her body with each other. Her reaction to the news repulsed and alarmed her to her core, but she needed to forget about that for now. If Asher wasn’t going to ask her for help, she needed to use her initiative. It wasn’t about her.