Chapter One Hundred and Fourteen

“Is it just me,” Asher whispered in Lila’s ear as they watched Ms Shard clean the whiteboard on Wednesday morning, “or is Ms Shard watching us both like a hawk?”

“Not just you,” Lila replied, also in a whisper. “Don’t know why, nor would I dare ask.”

“Good idea.”

Ms Shard gave them both a sharp look and they resettled into their chairs, ensuring there was adequate distance between them.

Lila scrawled her notes down, though this time it was less intensive, which allowed her mind to wander. A thought occurred to her, following her conversation with Daniel, and she tore a small scrap of paper from her notebook.

‘Is Ms Shard a backer?’ she wrote before passing the scrap over to Asher. He glanced at her before tucking it into his hand and reading it.

‘Oh yeah. Big one. Apparently she’s a fiend for Indian. They call Thursdays “Ms Shard day” because she won’t have a bar of anything else besides Indian’ was the return reply, written across both sides of the paper. There was no space to add anything else, so she crumpled it up and slipped it into her book bag.

They otherwise didn’t interact during the rest of class, though after class they walked to the STEM area of campus together, hand-in-hand.

“How’d you find out about Ms Shard’s preference for Indian food?” Lila asked with a grin after a while.

“Literally almost every teacher complains about it,” he laughed in response. “I’ve yet to talk to her personally. I was going to do that today.”

“Surely some routine would be fine,” Lila replied, “I dunno if I’d complain about it to a student.”

Asher shrugged. “She’s very stubborn apparently. Has it by herself a couple times a week, too. But on Thursdays, she runs the order for Indian for most of the teachers.”

Lila shook her head incredulously. “Wouldn’t have picked it.”

“Neither. But I guess it makes sense. Commercialised Indian is made for white people’s taste.”

They had reached the point where they normally split off, though Lila next had Biology and Asher had Maths. With no Isaac to hurry them along, Lila reluctantly supposed they would have to depart on their own accord.

“I… guess I’ll see you at lunch?” her statement sounded far more like a question.

“’Course,” Asher smiled. “If not earlier. Have fun in class.”

“You too.”

Asher’s eyes glittered with mirth. “I’ll try very hard.”

He headed off in the direction of the Maths classrooms, and Lila sullenly made her way to the Biology Lab. Her mood improved somewhat upon seeing a beaming, healthy-looking Cecelia sitting next to Lucas at their usual table.

“Lila!” Cecelia called, waving her over.

“Hey Cecelia,” Lila greeted, taking out her materials. “You look alive.”

“Ugh, tell me about it,” Cecelia shuddered. “I’ve been out for the count since Saturday.”

“It is that time of year,” Lila noted. “At least you don’t seem sick anymore.”

“I wanted to come back yesterday, but my Mum made me stay home. Something about making sure I was really fine before coming back and making everyone else sick. I guess I’ll agree, since she’s a Registered Nurse and everything.”

“Please don’t get me sick,” Lila laughed.

“Only person I’m getting sick is this one,” Cecelia giggled, pointing at Lucas. “He kept showing up outside my house.”

“I was worried!” Lucas whispered, his face cherry red from clear embarrassment. “Not like you let me in anyway.”

“I wanted to, but Mum-”

“I know, I know,” Lucas replied, a gentle smile on his face, deepening the shade of red. “No need to defend yourself.”

They exchanged a glance amongst themselves – a tender one that seemed to convey far more than Lila would ever be privy to – before Cecelia turned her attention back to Lila, her eyes sparkling.

“So,” Cecelia began, her voice breathy with anticipation. “I saw your posts!”

“Class, settle down,” commanded the no-nonsense voice of Mr Johnson, who slapped down a stack of papers onto his desk. “Worksheets again today, but it’s to prepare you all for an experiment-” excited murmurs flew through the air before Mr Johnson silenced the speakers with a well-practiced glare, “-that we will be conducting tomorrow. Please ensure you fill out the worksheet, as we’ll be marking them as a class at the end of the lesson so I can check that you’re prepared.”

He began handing out the aforementioned worksheets in small piles to each table before returning to his desk. Despite his ‘settle down’ command, there was an unmistakeable undercurrent of fervent chatter reverberating throughout the room. Every so often, Mr Johnson would look around the Lab with a frown, however it appeared that the volume remained at an acceptable enough level to avoid intervention.

Lila quietly filled in several questions on the worksheet before Cecelia caught her eye.

“C’mon,” Cecelia whispered, putting down her pen. “Tell us everything.”

Lila gave Cecelia and Lucas an abridged version of their picnic date, and a brief mention of their kisses, which Cecelia seemed ready to squeal about until Lucas covered her mouth with his hand. Lila could feel Cecelia’s pout from where she was sitting, despite being unable to see it.

“I’m glad that you guys worked everything out,” Lucas said with a nod, glancing at Cecelia. He slowly lowered his hand from her mouth.

“It sounds like he put some thought into it,” Cecelia noted. “It sounded really sweet, Lila.”

“Yeah,” Lila smiled down at her worksheet, her dormant butterflies coming back to life within seconds as she recalled every moment of their picnic.

“Did you guys do it?” Cecelia asked, waggling her eyebrows suggestively at Lila.

“Definitely not. We… actually haven’t kissed or anything, besides holding hands, since that night.”

Lucas gave a low, incredulous whistle. “Seriously? Any reason?”

Lila shrugged, trying to keep a lid on her despondence. “Knowing Asher, there’s probably a reason… but I don’t know it.”

“Why don’t you try and make a move again?” Cecelia questioned, taking a sip of her water bottle.

“Definitely not,” Lila squeaked, her cheeks aflame with embarrassment. “He might reject me.”

Lucas and Cecelia exchanged a look before simultaneously looking at her with apparent puzzlement.

“Can you let us in on that logic?” Lucas requested, glancing once more at Cecelia, who nodded in agreement.

Lila brought the back of her hand to her mouth, finding comfort in resting her lips upon it as she tried to untangle said logic.

“I… guess… well, with his last girlfriend, he kinda implied that he didn’t want to do those kinds of things with her,” she finally said,

“’Cause she wasn’t you,” Cecelia interjected sagely.

“No… well… I guess I don’t really know. It’s been a real sore point, so I haven’t asked.”

“I do remember you saying that the baby wasn’t his,” Lucas added.

“Yeah. So I just… I haven’t asked why he didn’t want to do things with her, or if he wants to do things with me, or just… anything really. A part of me is kinda scared that if I open the door to those questions, he’ll say something like he didn’t like our kisses, or that he’s just not into that. N-Not that I need that, like, I’m happy enough to just be his girlfriend.”

Cecelia gave Lila a sympathetic look but otherwise didn’t say anything for a while. Eventually, Cecelia sighed, stretching her arms before placing her head in her hands and leaning across the table on her elbows.

“I think you should mention something,” Cecelia said quietly. “Otherwise, you’re just going to drive yourself crazy, wondering what’s wrong.”

“Personally,” Lucas piped up, readjusting his glasses upon his face. “I think that he’s probably thinking the exact same things as you are.”

Both Cecelia and Lila looked at Lucas in surprise.

“Why’s that?” Cecelia queried.

“’Cause… that’s just what I reckon.”

“Lame answer,” Cecelia snorted.

“Fine. It is a lame answer, but the real answer is even worse, since I know exactly diddly-squat about Asher and this is all an assumption,” Lucas relented. “The reason why I reckon that is ‘cause that’s how it was with us, about telling each other our feelings. We were both scared. And I just see a lot of parallels between Asher and Lila and you and me, from what I’ve heard at least.”

“You’re right, that is even worse,” Cecelia replied drily. He nudged her playfully with his shoulder.

“I mean, he could be exactly right,” Cecelia conceded. “Or absolutely incorrect. You won’t know until you talk about it.”

Lila groaned, flopping down onto her worksheet with a sniffle. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea.”

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“Of course it’s a good idea,” Lucas replied sensibly. “How else are you going to find the answers?”

“I’ll just ignore it,” Lila insisted meekly into her worksheet.

“That doesn’t sound like the Lila who took down a stalker,” Cecelia said pointedly.

“Cee, I don’t think you should mention that,” Lucas whispered urgently. “She died, you know.”

“I’m aware,” Cecelia replied with a hint of frostiness. “Doesn’t change that she was a stalker.”

“I didn’t take her down,” Lila interjected lamely, her face still connected to the table. “That was Asher.”

“Well, he may have had some words with her, but I’m pretty sure you were running around and narrowing her down from a list of people. Doesn’t take a Dux to figure out that you told him what you found out. And it sounds like you were absolutely right, given what I’ve heard people say was in her locker,” Cecelia stated matter-of-factly.

Lila simply huffed.

“You’ll get there,” Lucas said comfortingly. “It’s hard at first, but… well, when you’re in a relationship and you want to make it work, there’s no point starting it off hiding stuff or lying.”

Lila felt her stomach sink as she took in Lucas’ words. She was sure if she looked to the floor, it might be sitting under her chair.

What he was saying made devastating amounts of sense. By not being truthful with Asher, she was starting things off on the wrong foot. But at the same time… it was mortifying. What would she even say? That she was worried he didn’t want to kiss her again? That she wanted to kiss him? It sounded awfully ridiculous to even say those things aloud. Then… once she managed to say something… what if he laughed at her again?

She sighed, hugging her torso for comfort before raising her head, and meeting the anxious eyes of both Cecelia and Lucas.

“He might laugh at me,” Lila said softly.

“And if he does, he’s a dick,” Cecelia replied hotly. Lucas gestured for Cecelia to cool it down before adding his own thoughts.

“If he does, then you’ve figured out that he’s not into that. Then, you can decide what to do about it. It doesn’t feel good wallowing around, does it?”

“No,” Lila mumbled petulantly.

“Not that I’m one to talk,” Lucas clarified. “I wallowed for a few months.”

“Same here,” Cecelia piped up. “Then you took the step to actually talking about us, and what you wanted, and here we are.”

They exchanged a tender smile before looking back at Lila.

“You’re already dating,” Cecelia reminded her gently. “It might feel like you’ve got a lot to lose, but if you work on it together, I don’t think you need to worry about messing anything up, or that he’ll think badly of you.”

“One of the things about a relationship,” Lucas said, exchanging a look with Cecelia before continuing, “is that there’s two of you now. So, while you do need to consider each other’s feelings, you’ve also got two heads working at solving issues and all that. Plus, you managed to get Asher. He’s no dummy.”

“He’d probably bend over backwards to make it work,” Cecelia smiled encouragingly at Lila. “Well, I say probably because I don’t actually know. But he always seems so dedicated to whatever he’s doing, I can’t imagine that he’d just let you flop around like a fish on land if he knew you were unhappy about something.”

“Not quite sure if I get that last bit, but… thanks guys,” Lila finally said, giving them both a timid smile. “I’ll… think about it.”

Cecelia tilted her head as she raised an eyebrow at Lila expectantly. Lila sighed.

“I’ll talk to him.”

“Good,” Cecelia nodded approvingly. “Let us know how it goes.”

“Hopefully,” Lucas grinned, his voice picking up in volume and excitement, “she won’t have to. We’ll probably just see them making out at the lockers or even-”

“That doesn’t seem related to this topic, Greenwood,” Mr Johnson said sternly, tapping the table between Lucas and Cecelia, which caused them to shift apart slightly. “Should I have you read a section of the textbook in silence instead?”

Lila watched as Lucas’ face blossomed into a bright red. “No, sir.”

“Good. You’re almost done with the worksheet. I can’t approve you to participate in the experiment if you don’t finish it,” this time Mr Johnson looked over at Lila and Cecelia too, ensuring they were listening to him as well. “Carry on. With your work. Not whatever gossip you’re on about, you’re almost shouting over here.”

They watched Mr Johnson go in silence until he was clear out of earshot. Lucas turned to Lila and Cecelia, his face aghast as a very small, breathy screech escaped his lips.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered once he took another breath. “I didn’t realise I was being loud.”

“It’s fine,” Lila murmured, picking up her pen and twirling it in her fingers. “Let’s just get through the worksheet, yeah?”

Cecelia and Lucas indicated their agreement with this plan, and they worked silently for the rest of the lesson. Well, silent for the most part, if one could ignore the occasional giggles and decidedly flirty looks Cecelia and Lucas shared.

Lila tried not to count down the minutes leading up to lunch, but it was difficult not to. Now that she’d received a pep talk from Lucas and Cecelia, she needed to act on it before losing her nerve entirely.

Morning tea proceeded in much the same way as it usually did – with Lila, Elise, and Grace chatting away merrily, joking and otherwise enjoying themselves. Lila did ask whether Elise’s bruises were still giving her trouble, but they had already substantially faded.

Though her mind still raced with the idea of addressing something so embarrassing with Asher, she didn’t want to discuss it with Grace or Elise, almost as if doing so would doom her to fail. Surprisingly, neither Asher nor Isaac swung by to visit them during morning tea, and the trio hurried off to PC without a mention of this fact.

Finally, it was lunchtime. Heart pounding with anticipation, Lila slowly closed her locker. She’d do it for sure. She’d talk to him… and whatever the result was, she’d just have to deal with it. If he laughed at her, so be it. If he didn’t want to kiss her, then that was that.

“Deep in thought again?”

She wasn’t ready to see Asher, but there he was, his face centimetres from hers. She stepped back out of instinct, bumping into a departing Grace as she did so.

“Whoa,” Grace laughed, gently grabbing Lila’s shoulders. “Careful.”

“S-Sorry,” Lila replied, shuffling towards the lockers, the heat from her face trickling down to her chest. “I didn’t see you there.”

“No worries,” Grace smiled, looking around briefly. “Ah, there’s Elise. Isaac too. You guys can head off.”

Asher dangled a lunchbox before Lila, a wide grin on his face. “Let’s go.”

“Alright,” Lila nodded, pressing her lips together. She took the lunchbox and waved goodbye to Grace, and again at Elise and Isaac once they passed them.

“Same spot?” Asher asked, opening the locker room door for Lila and gesturing for her to go through.

“U-Uh, I… was wondering… if we could sit somewhere else,” Lila stammered, tightly clutching her lunchbox.

“Oh,” Asher looked surprised as he scratched his chin. He looked thoughtful for a moment before glancing at her. “Where?”

Lila faltered. She hadn’t thought about that. All she knew was that she didn’t want to have her conversation with Asher whilst looking at Piper’s friends, or just generally in the open air – where anyone could be listening.

“… The library?” Lila suggested after a brief pause. Lila thought she saw a flash of nervousness flicker through his eyes. Was she mistaken?

“Yeah, okay,” Asher responded swiftly. “Hopefully there’s a spare meeting room.”

He began leading the way to the library before looking back at Lila and holding out his free hand for her to take. She did so, her heart fluttering. The weight of what she wanted to talk about slowed her footsteps, but Asher kept pace.

They meandered through the library until finding an empty meeting room, much like they had before they started dating. They sat across from each other, opening their lunchboxes of balsamic chicken pasta salad and digging in. Every so often, she would look up at Asher, her mouth ready to speak, but no words left her lips.

He seemed unusually quiet, though he would smile when their eyes met.

‘I’ve gotta ask him,’ Lila urged herself, failing to stop her fork from trembling. ‘I… I have to tell him.’

“Ash-”

“I was thinking,” Asher’s words cut Lila off and he immediately stopped, his face a slight shade of pink. “Sorry, did I interrupt you?”

Lila shook her head. “Go on.”

His expression was unsure, but he put his fork down. “I was thinking that, after school, we could work on the English assignment. Since it’s been giving you trouble.”

She let out a small sigh, disappointed that he was talking about schoolwork. “Yeah. That sounds good.”

“It… doesn’t seem good,” Asher blinked. “We could just hang out, I don’t mind. It is only week two.”

“How about I bring my things for English, and we can figure it out when we get to yours?” she suggested, her fingertips quivering against her fork. They felt light, somehow, though the rest of her arms felt as heavy as lead.

“Sounds reasonable,” Asher grinned.

Lila couldn’t help but grin back. He picked up his fork and continued eating, his body language seeming far more relaxed now that they had exchanged some words. Should she interrupt his peace now? He looked really content, as he polished off the last of his pasta salad, taking a swig of his juice.

“A-Asher…”

“Yes?” his eyes met hers with sincerity. “What’s up?”

“I…” she inhaled deeply, the breath in her lungs reaching down into her stomach, soothing the butterflies within. “I…”

He closed his Tupperware, pushing it away from him and giving her his full attention. “You?”

Her lips shook, her inability to control them painfully apparent. “I…”

He reached across the table, his warm hands enveloping her cold ones, his eyes searching hers. “Everything okay?”

This was far more terrifying than she imagined. Did other couples ever have these kinds of discussions? Or were they just in sync with what they wanted?

“I… want…” ‘to kiss you,’ she continued internally, unable to use her vocal cords. It was starting to get way too hot in here – did someone turn the heating up?

He didn’t utter a word, his attention entirely devoted to her. He didn’t even look like he was breathing whilst he waited for her to continue.

She cleared her throat, hoping that the issue was something of that nature, rather than just her weakness.

“I want…” It was no use. She sounded like a broken record. Maybe she should ease into the topic using a different conversation point. They’d hardly spoken all lunch, so perhaps that was the issue.

“I want to know what you’re hiding from me,” the words tumbled out of her lips before her brain could catch up. Once it did, she cringed, taking her hands back from his.

“Sorry?” he stared at her, though the nervousness in his eyes she’d seen earlier returned with much more intensity.

“I’ve… been feeling like you haven’t been honest with me,” she said after slightly too long of a pause.

“A-About?”

“I… don’t know,” she admitted faintly. “But… I keep thinking about what else you’re curious about. With me, I mean. You said you’d tell me one day, but I don’t know if I can wait that long.”

He continued to stare at her for a few moments, before running his fingers through his hair, his eyes now staring at the table between them.

“I… I don’t want to tell you now,” he said quietly. “I just… don’t want you to think badly of me.”

“Why would I think badly of you?”

He shook his head, closing his eyes altogether. “Please.”

‘Well, that couldn’t have gone worse,’ she thought forlornly, pressing her lips together. The atmosphere was now ruined entirely. ‘I’ll try again after school,’ she promised herself. ‘Now’s not the time.’

Lila slowly finished off the rest of her lunch, ensuring that she didn’t look at Asher as she did so. She hoped he wasn’t mad that she’d pushed the point, but she didn’t want to check his expression to find out, either.

“… So, uh, did you manage to check in with Daniel?” Asher’s voice was timid, sounding like he was forcing himself to speak.

“I did,” Lila confirmed quietly, placing her Tupperware and fork into the lunchbox and zipping it up. “He asked if you could come over on Saturday after practice. Mostly just in case he needs you while we talk to Mum and Dad. He’s still unsure, but at least if you’re there, he can get you if he needs you.”

“Ah,” Asher stated simply. “Okay.”

She’d expected him to say something with more substance, but supposed it would do. They sat in more silence, Lila’s insides twisting with the overwhelming feeling that she’d done something wrong. Evidently, trying to push Asher towards something he didn’t want to do was the wrong way to go about this whole relationship thing.

“I’m sorry,” Lila finally said after a few more minutes passed them by.

“For?”

“Pushing you, when you said you didn’t want to tell me.”

He gave a long, heavy sigh, shaking his head. “It’s fine, Lila. Truly.”

“Okay.”

She tried hard to keep her expression neutral, fighting back the urge to look disappointed. He checked the time on his phone before looking back up at Lila.

“Looks like it’s time to head back,” he said softly. “Let’s go.”

They walked back without a peep. He still offered her his hand, which she’d taken, but otherwise, she still didn’t feel any relief from the shame she carried.

“I’m not upset with you,” Asher said once they entered the locker room, his voice almost drowned out by the chaos of their cohort slamming doors shut, shrieking with laughter, and chattering a mile a minute. It seemed again like he was reading her mind – but, if he had, then he would’ve known that she wanted to, at the very least. kiss him again. Though, if he did know… and he didn’t want to… then perhaps his reactions made sense.

‘You’re being paranoid,’ she told herself firmly, forcing herself to look at him.

“Okay. I’ll believe you,” she said with a slight nod.

“Are… you upset with me?”

“Definitely not,” Lila shook her head, a slight smile on her face. “More upset with myself.”

He gave another heavy sigh, grasping her hand in his, and bringing it to his chest. “Lila, please don’t be.”

He kissed the top of her knuckles, keeping his eyes on hers. Her stomach released its knots immediately, swooping like a swing. If he was touching and kissing her hand like this, full of affection, then… she could let it go, since it was evident that he wasn’t mad at her.

Her smile was far more genuine now as she moved her hand to interlock their fingers together. “Alright, I’ll stop,” she promised. He looked incredibly relieved, gently letting go of her hand and collecting her lunchbox.

“I’ll see you at Study,” he said, the slightest hint of excitement colouring his tone. “Then, we’ll go home.”

Lila chuckled, glad that he sounded like seeing her again was something he couldn’t wait for. It eased her worries even further, and she attended Design with a much lighter heart than before.