Chapter One Hundred and Fifteen

Lila met Asher after her Design class ended just outside the library door, which he opened for her with a serious expression.

“Physics nearly killed me,” he said darkly. “I’m going to have to work on it in Study.”

“That’s fine,” Lila smiled, “I’ve got some stuff to do for Japanese. I’m struggling a bit with the new grammar structure we were introduced to.”

“Can’t help with that,” he replied forlornly. “My knowledge only extends so far.”

“It’d be convenient if it extended to this stupid grammar structure,” Lila mumbled. He chuckled, closing the door behind them. They signed in, with Lila casting her usual look around. Again, there was no Ayla. She was starting to believe that perhaps Ayla had been a hallucination, what with how long her absence had been, and the utter lack of discussion about her in the hallways.

Asher laid out his Physics textbook, notebook, and laptop on the table in their usual booth. He seemed to hesitate as he reached for his earphones.

“Is it okay if I listen to music?” he asked, meeting her eyes.

“’Course,” Lila replied, suppressing a grin. “I’m not a teacher, you know.”

“I know,” Asher responded, opening his earphone case and plucking them out. “I was just checking ‘cause it’s a bit rude. Especially if you wanted to chat.”

Lila shook her head. “Thanks for checking. I’ll probably listen to my own music while working through these exercises.”

He gave her an appreciative smile before popping his earphones in and inspecting his textbook. She watched him for a few moments, struck by how quickly he became focused on his study. His lips were slightly parted as he read through his textbook with alarming speed, his brow slightly wrinkled, and she couldn’t help but consider how effortlessly attractive he was.

His eyes flickered to hers though he immediately looked back down at his textbook. She wasn’t sure that he’d actually registered that she was looking at him but decided a better use of her time would be to start trying to absorb her new Japanese concepts rather than staring at Asher.

She’d made a good amount of progress by the time Study wrapped up and she started packing up, feeling rather pleased that her brain did, in fact, work. It seemed that Asher hadn’t noticed class was over as his hand flew down the page of his notebook, rapidly completing formulas that Lila had no hope of understanding. He finally slowed to a stop, stretching his fingers whilst perusing what he’d written.

Lila didn’t want to disrupt his train of thought, given how intense it seemed, so opted to scroll on her phone for a while. Eventually, she heard a low, unintelligible murmur escape him and his finger tapped his notebook in satisfaction, causing her to look up at him. He was smiling to himself, turning to a previous page in his notebook before his eyes drifted to hers. Then, they locked onto a point behind her before he instantly stood up, tearing his earphones out of his ears.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” he expressed, throwing his books and laptop haphazardly in their bags and zipping up his pencil case. “Class finished five minutes ago.”

“Don’t be,” Lila replied, stretching and collecting her packed belongings. “You seemed really into it. I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“Thanks… but I would have preferred to get out of here,” he said hurriedly, double-checking that he hadn’t left anything behind. “I don’t want George to keep waiting for us.”

Lila had almost forgotten about the taxi driver. She instantly hastened to follow Asher out of the library. They half-jogged back to the locker room, splitting off without a word to their lockers. She put away the things that she didn’t need, ensuring to pack her Japanese and English materials before locking her locker at almost record speed.

“Where’s the fire?” Elise laughed, tapping Lila on her shoulder. Lila frantically turned to Elise before taking a deep breath.

“Going to Asher’s now,” Lila explained, putting her bags on her shoulders. “We’re a bit late, apparently.”

“Ah,” Elise nodded sagely, placing her hat on her head. Then, she winked at Lila mischievously. “That excited to get busy, I’m guessing?”

Lila rolled her eyes at Elise, her cheeks betraying her true feelings on the matter. “Stop it. At this rate, nothing’s going to happen for months. And that’s fine.”

“True,” Elise nodded again. “Bit sad, though. Considering everything you’ve been thinking about.”

“It doesn’t bother me,” Lila lied. Elise raised an eyebrow, before evidently deciding not to press the matter.

“Anyway, why are you here still?” Lila asked, tilting her head. “You’re usually gone by now.”

“I am,” Elise affirmed. “But I’m waiting around ‘cause I’ve got another shift with Isaac. He’s probably fumbling around in his locker as usual. He forgot his apron the other day in his locker and Andy, our manager, gave him a half-hearted tongue-lashing over it. I think it had more impact since it was half-hearted, really. Kinda like when your parents say they’re not mad, just disappointed.”

Lila snorted before looking behind her to see whether Asher had finished grabbing his things. She couldn’t see him, so she turned back to Elise.

“Have you thought about how you’d progress with Isaac?” Lila asked in a hushed voice. Elise’s eyes widened for a split second before she shook her head.

“Not at all,” she sighed. “I’ve… been a bit busy, with other things.”

Lila gave Elise a sympathetic look. Despite telling Lila that she’d work less at Maccas during the term, it sure sounded like she was still taking on heaps of shifts for the sake of her Mum. It would definitely kill Lila’s romantic mood too, if she had such important responsibilities at home, coupled with Elise’s ambition to get into Uni to get a good job to support her family.

She was about to respond when the sound of running feet dashing towards her caught her attention.

“Sorry,” Asher puffed, stopping just short of Lila. “Briefly lost my mind.”

Isaac was similarly puffed behind him, and he raised a hand in greeting, his other hand gripping a McApron.

Lila laughed. “Glad you found it again. Also glad you remembered your apron, Isaac.”

“Thanks,” Isaac wheezed, gesturing at Elise and the exit. “C’mon, before I get fired.”

“How about you catch your breath first?” Elise replied plainly, shaking her head. “Besides, they’d sooner size you up to be a Crew Trainer than an ex-employee.”

Isaac wrinkled his nose in obvious distaste. “Ew.”

“You get a bit extra when you’re doing a training shift.”

“… like, how much extra?”

“Dunno, about 50 cents an hour or something.”

“My God, half a soft serve,” Isaac replied dramatically, straightening up and brandishing the McApron like a victory flag. “How could I refuse?”

“It’s also only for training shifts. Otherwise, you’re just an ordinary employee.”

“Even better!” Isaac cried sarcastically, earning a derisive snort from both Lila and Elise.

“I didn’t, by the way,” Asher suddenly said, taking Lila’s hand.

“Didn’t what?” Lila replied, looking at him curiously.

“Find my mind,” he murmured, the muscles in his jaw flexing for a moment. Lila tilted her head, trying to figure out what he meant, taking as many clues as she could from his body language.

He had a fierce glint in his eyes now, which darted to Elise and Isaac before, without warning, he bent down and captured her lips in his. All the residual sound inside the locker room faded, replaced only with the heaviness of her breath, the shakiness of his, and her pounding, racing heartbeat. The feeling of his tender kiss energised her, zapping her to life, commanding her body without any conscious direction in response to his movements. She brought a hand to the back of Asher’s head, brushing her fingers through his hair. He pressed himself even closer to her, running a thumb along her chin, gently tilting her head further. Her mind was blank except for one question – was she dreaming?

“Whoa,” the distant, shocked voice of Elise tickled Lila’s ears, reminding her that, actually, they were in a locker room full of their cohort. Lila broke away, blinking rapidly in time to the shortness of her breath.

“Sorry,” Asher murmured, his cheeks pink. “I… I’ve just been wanting to do that all week. Couldn’t hold back anymore.”

“Damn, dude, maybe you should,” Isaac said pointedly. “I just felt like I watched something I need Incognito mode for.”

“Let’s go before you say something even more stupid than that,” Elise interjected, pushing Isaac towards the exit with a giggle. “Bye, guys!”

They disappeared quickly into the crowd pushing through the locker room exit, and Lila continued to stand in place, shock overcoming her. So… he’d wanted to kiss her all week?

“We’ve gotta go, too,” Asher said, his voice strangely tight. “C’mon.”

He pulled her towards the exit and she readjusted the bags on her shoulders, wishing that they were instead back in that slice of time, kissing without a care inside the locker room.

Neither of them said anything on their way to the taxi bay. There was only one taxi waiting patiently, which rumbled to life upon seeing Asher and Lila approach.

“Sorry, George,” Asher called out sincerely once he opened the back passenger door for Lila. She sat down and smiled apologetically at George.

“Sorry,” she said quietly, buckling herself in. Asher then climbed into the front beside George, buckling himself in too.

“I was just about to call you, Mr Wagner,” George replied genially. “I thought something terrible had happened to you. I’m glad to see that wasn’t the case.”

“Sorry,” Asher repeated. “I got carried away with my assignment.”

“Understandable,” George responded, smoothly pulling out of the carpark.

Asher and George engaged in their usual polite smattering of small talk, with Lila once again left to her own devices in the back. She couldn’t keep her mind from the rush she still felt from their kiss, along with the realisation that her desire for more wasn’t as one-sided as she’d thought.

Finally, they approached Asher’s house, with George parking close to the front doors.

“Thank you, George,” Asher smiled, swiftly getting up.

“Yes, thank you,” Lila added hurriedly, also getting up from her seat.

“My pleasure,” George replied automatically. Asher and Lila both closed their doors and he slowly drove away, giving them both a wave goodbye, which they returned.

Asher robotically opened the front doors, and Lila shuffled inside after placing her shoes in their normal spot. He seemed hesitant to look at her, instead looking fixedly ahead into the entranceway. He headed further into the house, and she followed at a similar pace.

Lila could hear Gabriel humming away in the kitchen as they approached.

“Hi Gabriel,” Asher said, a second before Lila saw Gabriel. Gabriel’s face split into his trademark, gleaming smile.

“Hello, you two,” he said pleasantly, his eyes twinkling. “Had a good day at school?”

Asher’s hands twitched by his sides as he nodded. “Yup. Uh, we’re just going to be upstairs.”

“Of course,” Gabriel nodded, waving him away. “I’ll call you down once dinner is ready.”

The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

They made their way upstairs without another word, Lila suddenly feeling rather awkward. She wasn’t sure what this silence meant, or why Asher was giving off such odd vibes. Was he… regretting their kiss?

Once inside the rumpus room, Lila sat in her usual place on the couch, bringing a hand to her lips. The feeling of their kiss had long faded, but she tried to recall it as Asher poured drinks for them both.

He silently passed her a cup before sitting in his own usual spot – though, unlike how it had been on the weekend, he seemed to be angling himself away from her to prevent them from touching.

She took a sullen sip of her drink before placing it on the coffee table. She twisted her hands in her lap, the awkwardness only increasing in intensity as the silence stretched on.

Then, just as Lila was about to break the silence, Asher gave a long-winded sigh, putting his cup down beside hers.

“Sorry,” he said, averting his eyes from her and instead looking towards the TV. “I didn’t mean to just… do that, without asking you.”

Lila paused, trying to fish out the right words. “I didn’t mind,” she finally settled on saying, pressing her hands tightly together. “In fact… I thought I was dreaming. I’ve been wanting to kiss you all week, too. Actually… I’ve been trying to find the right way to talk to you about it. I’d… kinda thought that you didn’t want to, since we hadn’t since Saturday.”

A beat passed and she glanced at him, only to find that he was holding his face in his hands.

“Asher?”

He looked up, his eyes appearing uncertain for a moment. He lowered his hands entirely, revealing a deep blush across his face. “Really?” he whispered.

“Yeah,” Lila replied. “That’s what I’ve been hiding, I guess you could say.”

She could almost see his mind rapidly thinking after taking in what she said, a variety of emotions flashing through his oddly bright, golden-brown eyes – almost to the point of having their own shine. Then, they grew resolute, as though having decided on something.

“Then… let’s have another, without interruptions,” he said, his voice low and measured. Her heart skipped a beat as he leaned forwards, bringing a hand to the side of her head. She also leaned forwards, placing both of her hands on his chest before their lips brushed against each other.

What started as soft, tentative, and slow quickly turned into something else, a fire burning through her veins as the passionate pleasure from their kiss grew. Without knowing how it happened, Lila found herself lying on the couch, running her hands underneath Asher’s shirt, feeling the lines of his muscles and the smoothness of his skin tingle her fingertips. The heat from his body hovering above her urged her to remove her jumper – and maybe more – and, just as she thought that, their lips still connected, Asher began to tug at it as if proposing that she do just that.

They broke off, their breathing simultaneously laboured, and she pulled her jumper over her head. He took it from her hands, tossing it over the back of the couch and swiftly meeting her lips, as if not wanting to waste a second more. Her heart felt fit to burst, with how fast and loud it was beating, the fire of desire only increasing in response. They moved their lips in a rhythm that was uniquely theirs, their pace quickening. She felt herself surrendering to her body, her mind no longer aware of anything else besides the feeling of Asher’s hand trailing down her neck, the lingering goosebumps that decorated her skin, and the shared desperation behind the way their lips locked together. The addictiveness of his kiss was dizzyingly intoxicating, and she ran her hands over his chest once more, wanting to feel every fibre of his being with almost reckless abandon.

She gripped his tie, pulling him even closer to her before she felt something connect with her thigh. Something she’d never felt before – something that momentarily confused her. She rubbed her thigh against it, before hearing the slightest moan from Asher. The sound demanded her hands to start roving down to the source with a fervour she didn’t know she was capable of. She wanted to hear that sound again and again, to the point that the timbre was etched into her brain. She wondered, briefly, how she could make that happen.

Her fingers grazed the bulge in his pants, and she instantly recognised what it was. The thought of Asher being so incredibly hard because of her made her hands shake in anticipation as she began to fiddle with his zip. Then, as if she’d hurt him, he instantly stood up, turning away from her entirely. He brought a hand over his mouth, and she could see how deeply he was breathing, what with the heaving of his shoulders.

She pushed herself up into a seated position, staring at him in utter bewilderment.

“S-Sorry,” he said after a moment. “Just… don’t want to get carried away.”

Her lips twitched in disappointment. “That’s okay,” she said softly. “We can stop.”

“I… don’t want to,” he admitted, bringing his other hand to his chest. “But I think it’s best if we did, for now.”

He stood before her for another moment. Then, he plucked out two sets of joy cons, bringing his TV to life. She bit her lower lip, her mind struggling to come up with any possible way to calm down. Her own chest was still heaving, though she tried to cover it up by bringing a cushion to cover herself, squeezing it gently in an attempt to get her residual energy out. She reluctantly collected the pair of controllers he gave her, and he still avoided looking at her as he sat down. With each look she cast his way, a rolling tidal wave crashed within her stomach, bringing with it a thrumming manifestation of both decidedly unfinished business and utter yearning.

How could he seem so calm after that, with how casually he handed her the controllers? He certainly didn’t look to be struggling like she was to suppress the impulses clawing at her heart.

“I just need to go to the bathroom,” Lila said quietly, setting aside the controllers atop the cushion and speedwalking to the spare bathroom. She closed the door behind her, resting her back against it for a second. She wanted to scream, but considered it would probably send Asher the wrong message. She was at a loss – what could she do? He’d asked to stop… which was fine – except now she was filled to the brim with an unyielding sense of frustration. Did she need to go on a walk?

Her eyes landed on the sink and she slowly approached it, taking in her wild-looking reflection in the mirror, what with how messed up her hair was, the splotchy redness of her cheeks, and the wrinkles in her school uniform that hadn’t been there before. With a heavy sigh, she fixed what she could of her appearance before turning the sink on and splashing her face with ice-cold water. It worked well to calm her down as it cooled her face considerably.

She washed her hands, the sound and feeling of running water slipping through her fingers calming her even further, her heartbeat finally stable. Now that her mind had cleared, she reminded herself that Asher had said that he didn’t want to stop – but that he thought it was best that they did, for now. It gave her some amount of hope to cling on to in the meantime, anyway.

She grasped the doorknob before another thought occurred to her. Perhaps she should ask him, why he thought it was better to stop. If she was going to implement Cecelia and Lucas’ advice about being honest and communicative in a relationship… then… asking would surely be part of that. Right? Or was she just being selfish and kidding herself that it was for the sake of their relationship?

However… if she was going to ask, then she needed to offer some vulnerability too. After their kiss in the locker room, she’d considered not bringing up her want to kiss him – since it’d been fulfilled. And she’d let him know to some degree already. But, if he was putting a stopper on it for the foreseeable future, then she should at least have a deeper conversation about it. Right?

She pressed her lips together, unsure what was right anymore. Notwithstanding her holding back from being honest with Asher, and the consequences of doing so, she still didn’t want to be rejected by him again. Was protecting herself more important? Couldn’t she get someone else to decide for her? She hadn’t expected how difficult being in a relationship could be before now, especially now that she was part of a two-person team. She could hardly make decisions on her own to begin with, let alone take responsibility for making a decision, that being talking it through with him or not, which would ultimately alter the course of their relationship entirely – whether that be for better or for worse.

She hadn’t reached a decision by any means but knew that remaining in here any longer would worry Asher. So, she thought to instead think about it whilst they hung out. She’d already given up on the idea of studying today, despite the fact that she’d brought her Japanese and English materials, so at least she could afford to spend some time figuring it out.

With a deep breath, Lila twisted open the doorknob, only to find Asher pacing next to the couch. Her eyes locked on to her jumper, which he’d folded with precise neatness and laid on the headrest of the couch. She didn’t need to ask him to know that he had likely stress-folded it.

He looked up at her as she exited the bathroom, his facial expression incredibly guilty and determined.

“I’m sorry,” he said immediately, crossing over to her, his hands shoved inside his pants pockets.

“Don’t be,” Lila replied soothingly. “I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. I’m sorry for not keeping my hands to myself.”

Asher shook his head vehemently, taking another step forward. “I can’t just keep giving you these weird signals, Lila. Now that we’re dating… I need to be honest with you.”

Had he been dishonest? Lila tried to keep her expression neutral, though her worries were anything but.

“Lila, I… think we should sit down,” he said softly, gesturing to the couch. She obediently followed his suggestion, sitting back down in her usual spot, though she was turned so she could face him easily. His eyes seemed guarded, his hands wringing together with obvious strife.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“A lot, actually. With me. My stupidity, mainly.”

“… Okay,” Lila nodded encouragingly, opting to let him speak instead of denying that he was stupid.

“Here goes,” he murmured, taking a deep breath. “Lila, I’m not in control of myself.”

She simply looked at him and he sighed.

“What I mean is… I haven’t been in control of myself all year. From someone who controlled as much as I could, from the neatness of my clothes, the grades I achieved, the perfect daily routine, including the rigidly scheduled interactions with my parents, and having a girlfriend who seemed nice at the time… after Mum went missing, it all went to shit. And I let go of the control I thought I’d had, since… even as I tried to get it back, it didn’t do anything. Riding around on my bike all day and all night didn’t get my Mum back. My nightmares didn’t stop. I didn’t get any answers at all – and I couldn’t do a fucking thing about it.”

He gave another sigh before continuing. “But I still held onto some hope of controlling some things – including how I felt about you, since I was dating Holly at the time. Then, you started coming around here and it’d hardly been an hour when I lost it – asked whether you were dating anyone. I was brutally reminded that I couldn’t even control my feelings and emotions when it came to you, even when I was dating Holly. Then, of course, I found out she cheated on me. And so, I was at the mercy of my emotions again. But just as I started to find myself again, keep a lid on everything, I watched you slip out of my grasp and go on a date with Theo. Well, I didn’t actively watch you – but… when you said you were going on a date with him, it killed me. And I again remembered that I actually wasn’t in control, even though I thought that maybe it was my chance.”

He paused for breath; his eyes focused on his hands rather than her. She remained silent, unsure exactly where he was going with all of this. Though he hadn’t confessed this to her before, it matched up with their previous conversations.

“I’m rambling, sorry,” he gave her an apologetic smile, before looking back at his hands. “Anyway, essentially… with so many things having escaped my control this year, in quick succession, I… can’t handle any more.”

He stopped speaking, the intensity behind his last statement affecting the very air around them – almost suffocatingly so.

She thought that she was beginning to understand what he meant, but just as she was about to clarify, he spoke again.

“What I’m trying to say… and it’s really embarrassing, and I hope you don’t hate me for it… but when we kiss, and you start touching me in places you’ve never touched before, my self-control hangs on by a thread. I’m terrified of what I’ll do, if we keep going, and you keep touching me like you do. I don’t want to take advantage of you, and I don’t want to go too far since we’ve only just started dating. I can’t… I can’t trust myself, basically. And the realisation makes me feel sick.”

He said the final part in a whisper, hanging his head low.

“I… said before once, that you’re normally put together, and you kinda rejected that idea,” Lila said quietly, staring intently at her knees as she spoke. “But… what I meant was more about who you are as a person. Just with how you think, go through problems and reach a resolution. How, even when you’re trembling with rage, you still manage to be so articulate when taking someone down. Even if there are aspects you can’t control, you always seem to have some kind of plan – even if the plan is to ask if I have a plan. You dedicate yourself to every task you’re involved in with almost unshakeable focus – even if it’s not schoolwork, and instead helping Daniel out, just as one example. You’re also quick to help someone out generally, even if it hinders you, like readily handing over three thousand dollars to the Banker to settle Isaac’s debt. Even if you think you’re not in control, somehow you just are. Even if it’s just with being sure of your ability to do something, like be the Dux for years and years.”

She paused, lifting her eyes to steadily gaze into his wide ones. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again until I run out of breath. I trust you, Asher. I don’t want to push you into something you don’t want to do, and if it terrifies you, then definitely don’t do it. But… I don’t want you to think that you’re taking advantage of me. Even before we started dating, I was falling over myself, thinking endlessly about how it would feel to kiss you a-and…” she swallowed, wanting to stop right there. But in the spirit of such an open and honest discussion that Asher had started, she didn’t have any good reason to hide it. “… And more.”

“More?” His question had a husky quality to it – one that she’d never heard before – which sent a shiver through her body.

Lila’s face instantly felt hot, and she tore her eyes away from his, squirming slightly. “Y-Yeah. More.”

She saw him shift his position in her peripheral vision, but she still didn’t want to look directly at him.

“I… didn’t realise,” he muttered. She gave him a sideways glance, seeing that he looked quite deep in thought, his face a light shade of pink. “I thought… well, I thought I was the only one.”

She snapped her head up to look at him properly. He gave her a slight smile in response. Then, he grimaced, bringing a fist to his mouth and hiding it altogether.

“Thank you, for telling me,” he said after a moment. “I… I’ll need some time to think about it. As it stands now, though… I’m still… I don’t… Well, I do, but…”

“It’s fine,” Lila replied, a relieved smile on her face. “I’m glad we talked about it. I was really nervous that you’d think that I was trying to take advantage of you. But it doesn’t seem to be the case.”

“Definitely not the case,” Asher affirmed, his expression thoughtful again. “I… think it’s too soon for doing anything more. As in, besides kissing, if you want to keep kissing, I mean. You don’t have to-”

“Don’t take kissing away from me,” Lila interjected, her tone playful, though her expression was gravely serious. He opened his mouth briefly before closing it shut tightly and nodding, his face deepening in colour.

Then, he reached for her face, gently bringing it close to his. This time, their kiss was far more subdued, but she relished it all the same, especially as he lightly caressed her face. He finally broke away, bringing his forehead to hers for just a moment before moving back into his usual position on the couch.

“Did you want to play?” he asked, reaching for the controllers.

“’Course.”

They didn’t touch on what they’d spoken about for the rest of the night, even after dinner wrapped up for the evening. She was glad, though, that kissing was still on the table. She’d need to keep an eye on herself so as to not freak him out again, but that was a small price to pay to get even a little dose of Asher.

She was sure that she’d eventually figure out where his boundaries lie when kissing him, but for now, even small pecks felt like a victory.

“When do you wanna come over again?” Asher asked as Lila stood, ensuring everything had been packed away, including her discarded jumper, before heading downstairs to meet Clare.

“I dunno,” Lila replied truthfully, turning to face him. “I mean, Saturday you’re coming to mine. I don’t think my parents would let you stay overnight until Sunday, so… maybe I could come by then?”

He smiled, picking up her bags with one hand. “Alright. Let me know what they say about that.”

They headed downstairs, with Lila saying her goodbyes to Marlene and Gabriel. Asher unlocked the security system and the front doors for her as usual before following her into the chilly winter night.

“Ah, the lovebirds,” Clare cooed as soon as Lila opened the back passenger door. Asher wordlessly placed Lila’s bags in the back.

“Hi, Clare,” Lila replied, stepping back from the car. Asher pulled her into his chest, hugging her tightly, before looking directly into her eyes. His seemed unsure, somehow, though the effect went away after he gave her one last short and sweet kiss goodnight.

“See you tomorrow,” he said in a low voice, holding the front passenger door open for Lila to sit inside Clare’s car.

“See you then,” she smiled, closing the door herself. She rolled the window down and said, “Goodnight, Asher.”

“Goodnight, Lila.”