The Notorious Misadventures of an Alchemist and a Phoenix Chapter 46
An independent camera crew was following an unusual subject today. Never had they followed a legendary creature before, mostly because they were stunning but boring because of their lack of intelligence and nothing challenged them. Most of the animal documentaries that aired were of cute animals or violent mega beasts that ended the program with the camera crew fighting the snarling creatures off to survive, either way, it was good TV.
However, today was different. Today they were here to film an aware-talking phoenix that had enough goodwill that it didn't attack as soon as it saw humans. How very wrong were they?
The script was meant to film the Phoenix home but when the crew witnessed how the firebird interacted with the citizens of this city they had to record.
The phoenix didn't fly but he didn't walk normally either, he strutted down the street as if he owned it and by the way the people avoided him he might have. Kids with sweets in their hands whimper fat tears as the phoenix causally snatched their treats from them just to take a single bite and then drop it on the floor. Barking, snarling dogs with little to no sense rushed towards the phoenix like it was a delicious snack only to find themself grabbed by the collar and yanked up face-to-face with a fire-spitting phoenix. Some might have said that the brutal dog deserved what he got but not five minutes later the phoenix did the same to a peaceful small chow chow dog that cried out hard for its owner. When the owner did come the phoenix dropped the dog on the floor like he did nothing wrong but the owner was having none of that and gave the phoenix a nasty look followed up with an even nastier-looking finger movement.
The film crew didn't dare to stop recording, they were here for a childish program where the local stars boasted about where they lived and how much wealth they had but the crew was sure that what they were seeing was closer to a maffia or more likely a local bully. Either way, it was going to be good TV.
The phoenix went on to smash trash cans, gave many rude gestures to casino employees and stole bottles of booze from a dive bar that the owner chased him out with a massive battle axe.
Then there was his home. Instead of leading the way to the Alchemist Bank, the phoenix showed off a worn-down warehouse. Window frames hung off the building only supported by the spit of the many generations of termites that lived there. The giant double sliding doors were permanently held open by a glittering brick that one of the crew recognised as mithril. This was a testament to the Phoenix's fame and infamy as no one even thought about taking the wealth that was within arms reach.
Then there was the security. The biggest bear the crew had ever seen was prancing and dancing for coins and food in front of the warehouse with floating firey skulls hovering over the bear. It was one of the scariest things the crew had ever seen and yet all of them froze on the spot when a small child broke from the crowd and rushed towards the mountain-sized bear. Gasps came from the crew as the child reached up with a loaf of bread and the bear lowered its head to sniff the bread. The long hot breath from the bear caused the young child's clothes to flutter as if a strong wind had taken them. Slowly the bear opened its huge maul to reveal teeth that could rip metal armour apart like it was nothing and with the care of a surgeon deftly nibbled the bread out of the child's hands. A sigh of relief escaped the crew's mouth only for the same breath to slurp back when the child grabbed the bear's muzzle and tugged on it. The crew had seen enough documentaries to know that soon there would be no child and only a smear of dark wet liquid, but one second turned into two and then five where nothing happened. Only when the child's parents called for the child did the little thing let go of the bear and wave goodbye. The crew wanted to be sick at what they witnessed but instead, they chose to breathe.
What was wrong with the people around here? No one batted an eye when the child ran up to a killing machine like this bear, no one screamed for help when the bear lowered its face to the child and bared its teeth, and no one fainted when the idiot child tugged on the bear's whiskers. Instead of a pitchfork mob running the bear out of the city, they handed over food and tossed coins to the skulls.
The crew was stunned as they were tugged away by the phoenix and dragged into the warehouse. As they passed the doorway they spotted the golden plack hanging over the dancing bear.
"To our great hero of broken slums and unfortunate smelly homeless, we the people honour Clair Carebear and her entourage the right of freedom to roam the city as they see fit for defending the poor and weak from the clown parasites rampage at their own risk with no reward or promises of power to force their actions"
The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
A goddamn honour, the bear had a goddamn honour and everyone was fine with that. The next thing they were going to tell the film crew was the captain of the royal guard was a wolf. This didn't make sense to the crew, they never heard of the parasite rampage as it only happened in this world and only once every ten years.
The inside of the warehouse was a mix of trash and wonder. Sacks of random loot from multiple worlds lay on top of each other, mostly useless stuff like stones from the side of the road or earth from under the toe of a giant sloth but there were excellent items hidden in the crap. A spear incrusted in jewels and fixed with rippling patterns of gold and fine metals leaned against a wall. It was being used as a coat rack and a duffle bag was hanging from it that occasionally moved.
The crew spread out to film and quickly concluded that there wasn't much to titillate the audience here.
"is this it" asked one of the crew
"Why aren't we at the Alchemist Bank" asked a large man with horns like a rhino.
Noah, who had been following the camera crew and the phoenix shrugged. The horned man was a minder, a person who did unsavoury odd jobs for the wealthy and powerful and at this moment his job was to escort Noah to the Alchemist Bank and guarantee the filming. The Phoenix was meant to get them in and Noah was the extra sauce that prevented any funny business.
"What does the contract say," asked Noah
The studio and their lawyers had done a quick and dirty job when forming the contract. It was so poor that it would be laughed out of any courthouse.
"It says you do as I say or you go back with the fluffy creeps" replied the minder
Noah didn't say a word, in the end, no matter how many times the studio put him back with the mascots he didn't sign any contact, not even when they brought in a brain-dead hit man called three-finger tom cat, a massive individual in an orange cat mascot suit who quickly realised despite his slowness what was going on and didn't like his chances against the Alchemist Bank. Money talks and the Alchemist Bank had the kind of money that could hold a conversation for hours, tuck you into bed, kiss you on the forehead and then punch you in the nose while giving you the finger, the alchemist bank had "fuck you and your mother" money. And while the lower levelled mascot mob understood that their future only had pain if they continued, the studio thought it knew better and continued with a minder, a hostage and a phoenix. After all, the studio thought it had fuck you money but time would tell if they had the voice of a soft clumsy shy twelve-year-old boy or the sudden sharp shrill loud voice in the middle of the night that caused a pool of piss to travel down your leg.
Without a word being said the minder clicked his fingers together and ordered the crew to follow him as he dragged Noah away with zero effort to the Alchemist Bank leaving the phoenix talking to no one. It might take moments or hours for the phoenix to realise he was postering to thin air but when he did he would make his feelings known by hurting others' feelings.
As Noah was being shoved and pulled towards the Alchemist Bank Noah noticed that the bars, pubs, grogshop and watering holes had huge signs pined to their windows letting customers know of how little they had in stock. It was common to see the "days special" to be anti-freeze whisky or cleaning hooch. The bars were no longer scraping the bottom of the barrel to get the alcohol they needed but rather peeling the varnish off the barrel to get that sweet buzz.
Noah was brought back to his reality when he bounced off the front door of the Alchemist Bank.
"Open it" demanded the rough minder. The bastard was on a time crunch, he had to enter the shop, set up a camera crew and get their shots before the owner found out they were there and caused a fuss. If it wasn't for the phoenix wasting their time then they would already be started before dawn had risen.
The minder pushed Noah into the shop as soon as it was opened causing Noah to slide face-first on the wooden floor. Blood flowed from Noah's lips as it was filled with spilters from the worn floor. The minder followed immediately and scanned the shop in an instant. The shop was bare compared to what the minder expected to see. The shop was very mundane, there were no magical moving brooms or the fountain of youth, just a pile of papers on the counter and a kitchen with a softly boiling cauldron in the corner.
"Is this it?" barked the minder
Noah pulled himself up using the counter as a ladder blood trickling from his lip. With shaky legs, he turned to the minder and with a glare that greatly upset the minder he pointed at an archway that led towards the real Alchemist Bank. This time, the minder didn't push Noah to the floor but actively punched him in the face.
"I know a soul door when I see one, you are trying to kill me and have my soul ripped from my body" With every moment that passed without the minder getting what he wanted the more frustrated and angry he became. He grabbed Noah by the back of his neck and pushed him face-first into the stone of the soul door.
"Deactivate it" growled the minder into Noah's ear.
"Suck my nubby" answered Noah but that only earnt him a painful jab to the ribs and a fresh new face press against stone leaving a long smear of blood.
"I'm in charge here, any more lip out of you and you'll find out what happens to a useless person" snarled the minder. He was going to utter messy threats and promises of deformity pain when his train of thought was disturbed by Noah's pocket watch that rang, it was then followed up by the grand clock in the shop chaiming its long deep bells.
"What is..." began the minder but he had to stop because slowly like a horror film Noah turned his head to meet the minder in the eye with the biggest bloody smile that promised not just deformity pain but all kinds of extreme hot yoga twisty pain that would leave the minder jealous of pretsals because they were less twisty then he would be.
It was Noah's time to shine and he would leave the minder blind with what he was going to do to him.