The Notorious Misadventures of an Alchemist and a Phoenix Chapter 33

The universe has a strange sense of humour, if you look at the many wonderful weird creatures then you could say that the universe has a great imagination. However, for other things, the universe could be a repetitive, boring jerk. Somehow, against great odds of probability and sanity, Noah found himself kidnapped a third time. They say that Once is happenstance. Twice is a coincidence, but three times, someone is fucking with you. After pawing and dragging himself out of hell which was no small feat, no matter what the system said, he found himself surrounded by thick dark shadows. Noah shivered like a puppy who had been told off. A whisper left his lips to the only thing he could think to say to save himself.

"Parlay"

The shadows seemed to stumble and face each other like a difficult question had just been asked and then without warning one of the shadows reached out with the speed of a striking snake. A thick, hairy, coarse finger poked Noah directly under his nose.

"You better talk, you dirty scrubber"

The words echoed through the underground and rumbled back causing the already thick accent of these mystery creatures to be doubly messed up.

"What's this dirty scrubber smiling at"

The answer was that the dirty scrubber known as Noah had understood what this was. There was only one group of intelligent people who actively lived underground. There were only one species that would insult you by honing into your deepest insecurity and mercilessly fire heat-seeking rockets of pure pisstake but still make it sound like they were your friend. They were the Dwarfs.

Elves were beautiful but stuck up, Chimeras were the best mercenaries but hugely racists to their own race, Goblins were smart breeding machines but overly hungry for gold and yet the dwarfs were something different. No race was more pigheaded, stubborn and argumentative but they were the most beloved race out of them all.

The Deep Down was where the lost creatures of the past survived and flourished with orgys of tearing, biting, killing, Chinese burn and wet willies. It was a brutal existence that most mortals couldn't understand. And that is where you would find the dwarfs. They fought the creatures and thinned them out. It was accepted that if it weren't for the Dwarfs then the creatures of the deep down would filter their way out and ruin the world. They were so liked that every Dwarf was given a free Dwarf pint of booze when they entered a bar.

That's when the smile on Noah's face was wiped off. If he was with the Dwarfs that meant he was in the Deep down. And this was no place for a soft killerable target such as him. Shit, dying wasn't the worst of it. If the creatures got a hold of you then they could warp and distort you into fighting for them. They infected and assimilated, everything you were would work for them. The Dwarfs were the only ones who were wholly unaffected by this because of one of their Deadly Sins. Will of the mountain made it so that Dwarfs couldn't have their mind taken over. They refused the assimilation of the deep down, making them the only fighters that had a natural defence. It also made them stubborn pigs that would argue up from down and left from right.

And that was the problem that Noah was in. He shouldn't be in the Deep down, he had no protection, no provisions, and no hope of making it to the surface alone. And this made the Dwarfs suspicious of him. No matter what Noah said, the stubborn Dwarfs had already made their minds up that Noah had to be tied up for his safety and more importantly, their safety.

And that was how for the third time, Noah had been kidnapped, tied up and dragged at a safe distance from the Dwarfs. Ankles high in the air and head scrapping the ground, Noah had little to do as he went along for the ride and so he did the only thing he could do while being tied up, he checked his System challenge.

This story has been stolen from Royal Road. If you read it on Amazon, please report it

Systems challenge

Class change to a Berserker and hold the rage for one year.

The challenge will be forfeited if the Berserker class is changed.

The class will stay at the Beginner tier throughout the challenge

You may deactivate Berserker rage but only when the skill is active will it count toward holding the rage for a year

Reward: Advancement to Master tier Berserker

Time in Rage: 2 months, 2 weeks, 3 days, 14 hours, 34 min

The darkness was scary, especially when you didn't know where you were being dragged but Noah somehow mustered a happy little jiggle underneath the many folds of rope that bound him. When he witnessed he had gained an extra two months on his system challenge and yet only been in hell for a couple of hours. Time had twisted in on itself like an infinity prestel, that was the nature of hell. Noah had a brief thought about going back if he could and see if he could complete his system challenge but that would be stupid with a capital Z. Time could easily go the other way in hell and more time could be added on, it was hell, the damnation of all creation and only the most sadomasochistic BDSM would find Hell a great place to visit. However, if Noah had explored hell just a tiny bit he would have found how truly delightful the place was and how good their dog-friendly chocolate was.

There wasn't very much to see in a pitch-dark cave, especially when you could only see the ceiling but it dawned on Noah that he could see the magnificent stalactite dripping and depositing their minerals. Noah didn't have dark-sight skills but there was a common parable told to children about stats and how they worked, it went like this. Gods in their infinite power would kidnap a hero to save the world and as a gift, they would allow the hero to choose their power. Most of the time it wasn't a problem as the heroes were vague enough for the system to balance their choices but that changed with a young man called Connor "Bittity" Koch.

Connor or Bitty to his friends, wanted to be fast. Not a little quick or the fastest of his kind but the fastest thing, and he was adamant the system gave it to him. The system tried its best but Connor insisted on speed and only speed but that unlocked the safety features of the system giving Connor exactly what he wanted.....for half a second. Connor speed was unmatched and he was able to outrun sound but to gain that kind of power meant he lacked it in other areas, namely his Perception. Connor "Bitty" Koch ran headfirst into the side of a building like it had jumped out of nowhere. The smear he caused on the wall wasn't noticed for a full three days as the splash damage his body made caused an even coating of red across the building

The system calculated and readjusted, and would never increase a stat like that ever again. And that's where hidden stats like perception came from. Connor on the other hand would be immortalised with his name meaning a stupid mistake leading to a grusome death, everyone called it a "bitty" moment.

That was why, in the darkness that would make normal vision useless, Noah's raised to the challenge. If you had high intelligence and wisdom, you had to be able to perceive

"And then he said high ho, high ho, it's off to work we go. I didn't know what the lanky piece of crap meant by it but I know when someone is taking the piss and so I booted him squarely in his meat and two vegs and head-butted him right on his teeth"

The Dwarfs were telling their stories as they travelled to wherever they were going. Dwarf stories always had violence in them. They could be telling the story of how their uncle died peacefully in bed and it wouldn't be shocking to a Dwarf when a royal rumble took place to find out who was going to inherit the dead uncle's old pillowcases. It wasn't that they wanted the pillow case it was all about showing the dying uncle just how much he would be missed by fighting over useless stuff. The really expensive things such as gold and magic rings would cause epic adventures that had plenty of fisty cuffs and lots of beer. It was a proper send-off with love, swollen lips and black eyes.

"Wait..." one of the Dwarfs bent low and inhaled the wettest snort Noah had ever heard. "Somethings wrong"

The Dwarfs instantly dropped their backpacks and drew their weapons. Noah knew something was bad because the dwarfs had removed the safety from their weapons. Shimmering blue smoke wafted from their weapons ready for a fight, the second clue was the high-pitched grunting and squealing that sounded like a pig singing along with bagpipes.