The Notorious Misadventures of an Alchemist and a Phoenix, Chapter 13
Noah helplessly watched as the phoenix lost his temper with the floating skulls. It had turned into an air battle but instead of an elegant bird dive bombing his victims, the phoenix had used his floating skill and started a bar room brawl fight. In his left was a broken bottle, in his right was a brick and in his claws a screaming defenceless skull.
The brick was the phoenix's chosen weapon. He was using the broken bottle to little effect and ended up discarding the bottle in the eye of a passing skull. The brick was different, each wack caused a skull to fall and burst into flames.
When the brick turned to dust the phoenix used the skulls as the new unofficial brick. When the last one fell due to being poked in the eyes and used as a bowling ball, the phoenix turned on the last skull that still had Noah paralyzed.
The last skull was dripping with sweat. The floating skull knew it couldn't look away but the screams of his brothers had corrupted its mind. It wanted to look and yet didn't want to see.
Silence. Horrible silence hung in the air. The fiery eyes of the floating skull wobbled side to side in panic, It could hear shuffling but it knew that none of his brothers would make that noise. The skull wanted to close its eyes and hide but without eyelids that was just wishful thinking.
A shadow crept up on the skull.
A light chattering of teeth escaped the skull
A soft gentle touch no heavier than a feather caressed the top of the skull's head.
A breath of a whisper that smelled like sour grapes
and then......darkness.
The phoenix had taken care of all the floating firey skulls like they were nothing. Being a legendary creature, the phoenix was resistant to most status effects. The last skull had been tied to the phoenix's waist with a long cloth rag that went through the eye sockets and out through the mouth.
Noah was incredibly grateful for his freedom but would never tell the phoenix. He would rather be paralysed for a week than see the smug look on the phoenix's face for one hour. It was amazing how the phoenix could make such a smug face when its bird features were limited.
Instead of verbally thanking the phoenix he vowed to get him ten barrels of dirt grog, the phoenix's favourite drink. It was at this point, more bricks shifted from the struggling Impur Inmundicia, it seemed like it knew something was up.
Noah looked at the pile of bricks and stones that had captured the blob, and a sudden vicious grin plastered over Noah's face causing his fear to be washed away.
"fear the strong, bully the weak," said Noah as his hands blurred in and out of pouches and bags.
"Hey!" the phoenix objected as Noah used the bird's body heat to create. The phoenix would have knocked the tools off his body if he wasn't being subdued by a bottle of powerful narcotics that he gladly down without hesitation.
Finished, Noah stood over the traped blob and poured the freshly made liquid over the bare skin causing nothing to happen. It was only when Noah's water from his infinite canteen slooshed out and reacted did ginormous amounts of heat rolled off the blob as acid eat at its flesh. Impur Inmundicia was a strong being who should be feared but now it was trapped, weak and being bullied by an alchemist.
The poison aura that had destroyed almost everything and everyone did not affect Noah and the summoned floating skulls soon found their match when they appeared almost instantly smacked to the ground by the phoenix in a one vs many second-round match.
Noah chuckled to himself. He wasn't a righteous man, sometimes he was a right bastard but right now, defeating a glob of flesh that was aiming for his life and winning felt wonderful. By all rights, he shouldn't have won but here he was standing over his victim and despite the occasional skull briefly freezing him on the spot for a second or two he felt like a winner.
Some people might suggest that pouring acid on a living creature was unnecessarily vicious, and those same people might say doing that for hours on end was psychopathic but for Noah, it was his way to fight back, what else was he going to do, tickle it until it gave up. In your dreams.
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Noah was brewing up a new pot of acid when the ground rumbled and cracked. Out spilt bright experience orbs letting Noah know that the blob was now deceased.
Experience orbs gushed out like fireworks.
The phoenix swirled around like a ninja in a light show trying his best to dodge the falling orbs. It quickly turned sour when a large orb hit him in the chest taking him off his feet in a beautiful arc in the air, where he was pelted with three other orbs and then collapsed on the ground in a dirty mess.
Noah quickly tried to grab the phoenix and pull him to safety but couldn't move the fat bird as he had drunk so much. Instead, Noah left the bird to his fate and run back to his hiding place and only revealed himself when the pelting rain of experience orbs stopped.
Hard work was always a chore to do, but when collecting riches that chore become a pleasure. The orbs that scattered across the castle ruins were stuffed into enchanted bag after enchanted bag. Noah's hands blurred in speed and heat as he overclocked his greed and scooped up all he could. The wealth he had from selling potions was vast but you didn't stay wealthy by giving up a mass of funds that lay in front of you, this was one of the sins of man and why Noah wouldn't leave anything behind. That included the body of Impur Inmundicia.
Noah collected everything he could. Fat, flesh, organs. The uses of each were unique ingredients for an alchemist and could be used in many ways if the skill and imagination were good enough, And Noah's skill and imagination were top-notch.
Leaving the confines of what now was the half-pristine gothic castle and half-crushed brick covered in gore, Noah paddled a boat upriver using a stolen boat.
Acting like some kind of figurehead, the phoenix stood at the helm like a dread pirate complete with twin belts made from the surviving floating firey skulls. Occasionally the phoenix would paw his talon through his enchanted sack of firey skull eye gems. The skulls had learnt quickly that the moans and screams they would leak were always rewarded with a swift slap or poke in the eye. The only noise they dared to make was from time to time the odd clack of their teeth.
Now and again Noah spotted a skull looking at him as to plead for help but stuff those guys, Noah felt no pity for them, well... almost none as he watched the phoenix use a skull to scratch its butt.
It took two days of frantic paddling that would make anyone watching nauseous with motion sickness to reach the gate that would bring him back home. If Noah had walked back it would have taken weeks, and that's if he left the enchanted sacks behind.
Noah shuffled the last sack near the portal, ready to go home when the portal shimmered like glitter in the tacky way it did when being activated. The instant movement through portals was useful to any species and this was why Noah wasn't surprised when slug people slid through, but he was afraid.
When you met your species in the vast multiverse there was a chance of violence due to greed, misunderstanding or just foul temper and yet the rules and laws of your people would control their natural tenancies.
New and weird species were different, you never knew what you were going to get, and reading their emotions was like reading a bowl of pudding. Any little thing could cause offence and their laws didn't even apply to you.
"Ewwwwwww, what the dank pit is that" mumbled one of the slug people.
Noah let out a small sigh "at least they spoke the universal language" he thought
"Gross, this one is covered in feathers," said one of the smaller ones.
Noah closed his eyes, he knew what was coming next
"Shut up pig molester, it's better than having snot for a face" the phoenix had been resting on his enchanted sack of floating skull eyes but when challenged he jumped to his feet ready for a fight.
"Watch your mouth, there are children around" responded one of the bigger slug people.
Something was strange and Noah couldn't put his finger on it.
"You can watch my fist going in your mouth" squawked the phoenix
"Don't talk to my wife like that" stuttered one of the slugs
"That's your wife, I thought I was talking to your grandma" continued the phoenix.
"Mummy, mummy, the parrot can talk" called out the smallest slug person
"What kind of pet is this pink skin thing," asked the second smallest slug person.
Noah pointed at himself in confusion, were they talking about him?
"Don't touch him, it looks unhealthy dry"
"Beat him up, dad"
"This holiday sucks"
The last statement hit Noah with sudden complete understanding. These slug people weren't adventures but a family who had gone on holiday. It was a mistake to think that just because this toxic wasteland that was deadly to humans wouldn't be a nice little picnic area for other species.
"And let me tell you another thing...." the phoenix started to say only to be gagged by Noah with a selection of explosive liquids, that the phoenix gladly drank without a problem.
"Please sir excess my familiar, he's hit his head and is a bit slow" Noah half bowed and handed over a business card.
The slug people jerked back as the dry pink skin pet handed over the paper.
"It talks daddy, I don't like it. It's creepy with its shallow eyes"
"Honey, don't talk to it just go around it and don't make eye contact"
Noah's mouth dropped open in complete surprise. He never thought something like this would happen
"RUN, ITS GOING TO BITE US" the slug people very slowly slid away at top speed like their lives hung in the balance
Noah's mouth snapped close. The phoenix chuckled but kept his beck buried in the bottle. Noah crumpled up the card he was holding and punched his home address into the portal.
This whole adventure had taken about a week, and every inch of it was a wet slimy cluster slug.