The Notorious Misadventures of an Alchemist and a Phoenix Chapter 31
Walking through the street, the Phoenix was bored and lonely. He hadn't been shouted at for at least a month, ever since the horse union representative literally dropped kicked him out, and that didn't count because horses always sound like they are munching on a bag of dongs while beatboxing their favourite song and are impossible to understand.
For the first ten days of Noah's missing the Phoenix was in hog's heaven slurping up all the potion he wanted but his taste got tired of the weak healing potions that consistently filled the barrels. He found himself walking past the closed-off cabinet that held the best elixirs. The phoenix couldn't count how many times he had grappled the handles, shaking the wooden barrier screeming for it to let him in. In fact, the Phoenix couldn't count, period.
Something inside of the Phoenix wanted to be near Noah. A subtle creeping need to interfere with him and yet there was a stronger want and need in the form of doing whatever he wanted to do. The selfishness in him was strong but it was also true that they were friends........ maybe not friends but something along those lines.
The Phoenix felt lonely, he wanted someone to talk to. Someone who was his equal or at least a person who was entertaining enough to hold his attention but thanks to his little adventure in the casino, no one was willing to interact with him.
Even the smelly kid down the street was avoiding him. That kid was always a ton of fun, every time the phoenix saw him the kid would run up to him on all fours and start kissing him. He was an ugly child but had a lot of charm. The poor fellow had an oddity when speaking. Whenever the phoenix asked him how he was, the kid was always a little down and replied "Rough" or "Bark" but never took it out on the phoenix. He was a good kid.
The phoenix looked up and sighed. It was never good to stay in this mentality so the phoenix raised his wings and took to the sky to offer his sadness to someone else, preferably by force.
A great place for all kinds of loot and adventure was the many magical towers spotted all over the city. Each one was privately owned by powerful corporations or even more powerful individuals. The phoenix had already visited some of the towers and within twenty minutes was kicked out, kidnapped or/and experimented on. When one tower used the phoenix's blood to summon an eldritch horror, that somehow upset the phoenix, he punched the horror back into its portal and burnt the tower down.
Still, there was a better place to hang out and that was the special dump where the towers dumped their unwanted experiments and broken tools.
Like a plunging meteor, the phoenix dived into the trash. The many mutated rats scattered using whatever special mutation they had leaving the Phoenix to grab and toss whatever he could reach.
The phoenix found a wet suit that grabbed him and caused the pea-brained bird to lose his shit and cause a small explosion. There was also a monkey paw genie who begged for his release for a wish, and when done so demanded a wish from the phoenix. The way the genie was stuffed back into the bottle would cause any chiropractor to shake their head and call a sailor to untangle the mess of a knot that was created. And then there was the find of a century.
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A staff with an interdimensional TV orb fixed to the top. All the channels, all the time was the motto. The phoenix loved his shows but Noah would hide the remote because he was tired of the consistent channel hopping and so the phoenix would have to watch whatever Noah was watching, which was always the boring news.
The phoenix messed with his new find and to his delight found it worked. and it worked well. There were so many channels ready programmed. Now he wouldn't have to share and could watch what he wanted. With his fresh loot hung over his shoulder, the phoenix waddled back to his warehouse to watch his favourite melodramatic drama called The Young And The Restless Undead. A show that recorded newly intelligent undead coming to terms with their new undead life. There was more drama in this one show than in all the others combined. The phoenix tried to get a role in the drama but was denied because there was a limit to how much drama could be recorded without it turning into a full-blown tragedy and the phoenix pushed that limit past the point. However, he still liked to watch it.
The sad thing was the Phoenix never questioned why a fully working multidimensional TV orb was thrown away in the first place.
The thing that was wrong with it was that it would talk to you like an old friend, whispering things to you that you might not know. To the uninitiated who had no knowledge of magic and the true horrors of the universe, they might think they were suffering from a mild schizophrenic episode.
You could be watching a documentary on how tree pigs have their young and then the narrator would turn to you and start talking to you about your long lost love or your deepest regrets. The wizard to whom the TV belonged before had a mental breakdown and threw it away
And yet despite being a cursed item that could warp your mind, in the hands of a brain-dead phoenix, it had no way to latch on. The Phoenix sat down on his torn couch and started to flip through the channels. The cursed orb tried its best to talk to the Phoenix but his constant channel hopping made it hard for a whole sentence to be said before a new channel flicked through.
At first, the Phoenix didn't notice but after a day of pure channel hopping the TV orb had changed its tactic from a soft understanding whisper to shouting "Phoenix" at every chance it could. only then did the Phoenix have a conversation with his new TV orb.
"Are you missing something" smiled the TV presenter.
The Phoenix looked around and shrugged "Chips?"
"no, not chips, something else" grinned the image
"Booze?" said the Phoenix as he lifted a rucksack of drink with a straw in it to the air like he was toasting a speech.
"It's Noah" snapped the image "he's in hell and you are sitting on your butt doing nothing"
"Boring...." hissed the phoenix and continued his channel surfing.
It took another day before the image could get the phoenix's attention again and stop him from flicking the channels.
"If he dies you will feel bad and it will be all your fault" the image stuttered when he saw that the Phoenix was going to change the channel again
"Wait" panicked the image, quickly the image changed tactics yet again "If Noah doesn't return....then who will....ahhhh.... make you potions?"
This got a small pause and then a shrug from the phoenix
"You will be thrown out of your home," said the image.
The phoenix looked around himself to look at his palace of rotting wood and busted warehouse. A second shrug came from him
The image was stumped ".......... you will have to get a job"
Just then a bag filled to the brim with stamina potion mix and grog slammed against the wall narrowly missing the TV orb
"NEVER...... I WORK TOO HARD NOT WORKING TO BE FORCED TO WORK" Screamed the phoenix.
The phoenix stomped off behind a big pile of trash to go and find Noah. The image on the TV orb sweat dripped from its brow. He had never worked so hard to push an individual to his demise. Dabbing the static moister of his forehead the image was surprised when the phoenix returned and planted his fat rump back on the couch.
"I'll go after the new episode of The Young And The Restless Undead " explained the phoenix.