The Notorious Misadventures of an Alchemist and a Phoenix Chapter 41
In the sewers, the cleaning slime tried to catch his fleeing lunch. The rat with an ear fused to his back was fast and had a sixth sense that protected her from danger. Every time the slime managed to corner the rat, it escaped. The slime was feeling a little hungry and was thinking about absorbing some grime off the east side sewer walls when the clown parasites turned up in a wiggling wave. The cleaning slime watched as this tsunami wave of wriggling mass honked and slapped across the sewers. The cleaning slime was confused as he had never seen something like this before but also excited. A long slime tentacle reached out and scooped a mass of rubbery worms from the hoard. The cleaning slime looked at what it had caught, weighed it in his tentacles, sniffed it a couple of times and then stuffed it in its mouth. Slurping up the parasite worms like spaghetti.
The parasites were happy they found a new host big enough to live in until they found there was no flesh to hook on to and no nutrients to absorb. They were there floating in a jelly mass that not only absorbed the parasite's momentum but all their bodies. The cleaning slime was having a fantastic all-you-can-eat spaghetti buffet. It was a shame that it didn't even make a dent in the parasite population.
In the Alchemist Bank, golem numbers one, two and three were hanging around the sewer grate grabbing parasites and popping their brains out of their clown lips like shelling peas in a pod. At first, the gate leading to the sewers had a table upturned on it closing off the access but the tricky parasite worms were able to wriggle their way past the heavy object. That is where the golems came in, they had a rhythmic speed at grabbing a parasite and killing it that never wavered and just like a metronome ticking along you could expect to hear the death honks of the parasites. However, even with three golems killing without hesitation it didn't stop many more parasites from entering the shop. It wasn't just the sewers that gave the parasites access but also the chimney. They dove in and wriggled past the protective bars and thorny traps that had kept the thieves' guild out. While the number of parasites invading through the chimney was a faction compared to the sewers they were able to gain entrance by snuffing out the fire with numbers. It was with a small miracle that those were the only two entrance points into the Alchemist Bank they successfully invaded. A small army of parasites tried to enter through the broken window in the shop but had their souls ripped from them when they slid up to the soul door that protected the shop from the main area. There were many ways to enter but only if you wanted to die in any number of gruesome ways.
Noah was in the rafters watching the very floor twist and turn with the amount of clown parasites in his home, even the unstoppable golems were covered in worms but that didn't bother them as they continued to squeeze and kill. Noah steadied himself with his weapon, aimed and let loose.
Nothing happened. The phoenix sat with his feet dangling over the side watching the interesting display below him instead of turning the crank that would load the gun.
"I swear to the gods if you don't get your lazy arse up and cranking I'm going to pour a whole bottle of hair-growing potion into your eyes" Noah said with the rage of a Berserker.
"Ok, ok, gawd hell changed you, you just have to ask" Replied the Phoenix as he sat there
"Get your cluster slug arse cranking, NOW" snarled Noah
"What's the magic word....." the phoenix quickly jumped to his feet and cranked his little heart out. He was going to get a pretty please and a cherry on top from Noah but he had never seen that look on Noah's face before, a look that said there are many things worse than death and you're looking at it right now.
The Gatling gun whirled into life and the soft puffs of escaping liquid air caused test tubes to fly with satisfying pops and crunches. Belts of ammo exited enchanted bags surrounding Noah and entered the whirling weapon feeding it new ammo. Noah stood there aiming with murder in his eyes, it was one thing to attack him but to invade his home was the thing he couldn't accept, he wouldn't accept, he would make them pay.
Worm after worm cried out after each vial broke and released its contents. Itching powder, failed water breathing potions, inflammation liquids, mega rash solutions and all kinds of failed products rained down on the clowns causing them with their dying breath to honk. Each "honk caused the remaining parasites to twitch with a frenzy and with that call to arms new and more energetic parasites rushed through the grate to answer the call.
It got to the point where nothing but constant honks could be heard from the death of many parasites. The floor also had a dense atmosphere of multi-coloured gas from the ammo that suffocated any new parasites. Despite this, Noah was worried.
The floor had many layers of dead parasite worms, so much that they were getting closer to the ceiling. Noah had to use dungeon rope in the rafters to choke a lucky parasite that had made its way here, now the semi-dead parasite was climbing over all of Noah's tools and instruments to avoid the deadly gas. Some of the worms fell into the giant silver and gold container that held the cursed fallen titan heart. The unexpected thing happened when those worms were turned inside out, shrank and popped out of existence.
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Of course, Noah was going to use the cursed liquid as a weapon. With the dungeon rope the huge container was spilt and the thick gelatinous liquid poured out slowly spreading across the many layers of dead and semi-alive parasites causing them all to converse, turn inside out and shrink with what sounded like a bone-breaking snap and disappear. Some even turned into the ugliest butterflies Noah had ever seen before winking out of existence.
Noah kicked a troff gate towards the empty container to refill the silver and gold caldron with lesser healing potion and then returned to his spot. The thick cursed syrup slowly travelled to every inch of the room but despite the very potent effects the cursed liquid achieved Noah knew there were going to be more parasites. This was just the beginning.
"Reload" demanded Noah
The phoenix wobbled over to a new enchanted bag and hobbled back to reload only to be stumped when he couldn't reach. Hopping on the spot, the Phoenix started to whine that he couldn't reach.
In the end, after many swear words, Noah and the Phoenix swap places. Noah reloaded and turned the crank while the phoenix aimed and controlled the advancing parasites.
Turning the crank caused sweat to pool on Noah's brow and soft panting left his lips. The Phoenix on the other hand was having a great time. Somehow, the Phoenix had found a fat cigar and readily smoked the tobacco while shooting. Each shot was wide and inaccurate causing test tubes to break where there was no enemy but the clumsy shots didn't matter as the liquids and gases would spread out and still hit their target.
The difference between how the Phoenix used the Gatling gun and Noah became clear as the gun jammed. Noah had a controlled fire rate but the phoenix had a heavy hand and constantly fired the gun causing the gun to jam with the excess liquid air gumming up the gears.
"Clean the barrel, faster, faster" ordered the Phoenix.
The asshole bird had become impatient and gun-ho, his need to shoot had overwritten the daft bird's good sense. With the incredible speed of Noah's dexterity-infused hands, he could clean the barrels and chambers in three seconds flat, but even that was too slow for the addictive phoenix.
Each shot caused the bird's feathers to stand on end with excitement. Smoke smelling of liquorice wafted off the Phoenix and sparks danced around the bird as his glee increased. The Phoenix's excitement caused him to rise and float into the air allowing the bird to swivel on the spot to get better aim.
Noah was so angry that the Phoenix had lied to him. The bastard bird could reach and certainly could have changed the ammo but Noah kept it to himself because he was just as angry and disappointed that he had forgotten that the Phoenix could do that. If he yelled at the Phoenix then he would throw it back in his face and show him how stupid he had acted.
Enchanted bag after enchanted bag was emptied with the heavy trigger finger of the Phoenix. Constant honks echoed through the room as each death let the world know of the end of a parasite.
A new addition of a red light flashed out of the vault and hovered above the mass of clown parasites that wiggled and jiggled.
Noah recognized it as part of the loot he had received from the fallen titan. A red orb that was meant to be a key or a lock, Noah couldn't remember. The red orb flew to any living clown parasite and absorbed the very life out of it. With each death, the orb vibrated and glowed a deeper shade of red. Noah would have been super glad that the orb was killing the clown parasites but it was the way it did it that caused the wet willies to shiver up his spine. Each parasite looked like it had every drop of water drained from it. The worms appeared to shrink and age incredibly quickly and drop to the floor after the orb was finished leaving a pile of dust. Noah was thankful he was in the rafters and away from this killer orb, who knows what the orb would do to Noah.
The golems were fine around the orb which gave Noah the impression that the red orb was safe to be around, that was until the golems got the good idea to shovel the parasites at the red orb. It looked like a very sick snowball fight with the dust the worms were turned into floating in a cloud and dropping to the floor as settled ash snow.
The golems moved the red orb over the sewer grates and just like a bunch of grannies who were shelling peas, they continued to poop the inners out of clowns' parasites and chuck the rest at the orb. It was an excellent set-up, if the golems got overwhelmed with the parasite's numbers then the escaping worms would be sucked up by the orb.
The air was thick with poisonous gas and falling ash, the parasite clown worm numbers were being controlled and the combined attacks of the group kept the Alchemist Bank a safe area despite being overrun. Unlike the rest of the city.
Mountains worth of crap hitting this world was common. Since time was recorded, cities, towns and villages had counter plans. This included a special attack force. Unfortunately, Noah's city was having a breakdown in their usual plans. The mega horse guild had demonstrated a sit-down strike that surrounded the city causing disturbances in the usual day-to-day life of the city. The riots caused looting and destruction that interfered with social niceties. All of this would destroy the careful planning that came with the once-in-a-decade poop rain.
So when the shit hit the fan many innocents were caught off guard and had to hold up in less-than-ideal buildings which meant they were open to attacks from the clown worm parasites. A family of four had been pinned down by the worms and they were desperate fighting against their razor-sharp teeth. Each family member fought and killed a couple of worms but the overwhelming amount of them meant that each person had run out of mana to use their special skills and was now running on fumes.
Just as the mother was caught by the ankle and dragged to a dense population of worms the front door to their home burst open and flew off its hinges. Smoke wafted into the house and light silhouetted on a figure just standing there. A loud Honk grabbed everyone's attention, including the parasites. The family and the parasites both looked towards the mystery person who walked in a revealed himself to be one of the special attack forces that was trained to take down the parasites. The clown guild had arrived, it was time to send in the clowns