The Notorious Misadventures of an Alchemist and a Phoenix Chapter 40
The Alchemist Bank was pretty much how Noah left it, except there was a shy and crotching golem that Noah wasn't familiar with. It looked back at Noah with what Noah could only explain as the eyes of a child who had been scolded and was now pouting in the corner.
It was an odd sight looking at a golem trying to pout and make itself as small as possible but still be taller and wider than any human out there. A long conversation should have occurred between the two but Noah knew he wouldn't get any information from the new golem, he couldn't even get decent information from his golems.
Noah wouldn't trust a golem that wasn't under his control and yet he was sure that everything was fine when this new golem moved half an inch out of place and a thunder-like slap came from one of his golems. Amazingly it turns out that Noah's golems were a bit of a bully.
Noah's golems were experts in their fighting style, and the immense power of golems meant that they were a force to contend with, even if you were another golem and they gleefully showed their brute power and skill on the less developed.
The new kidnapped golem shinked away into a corner like a child. Noah thought for half a second and felt pity but that soon vanished when he realised that the golem had to have tried to enter his shop without permission. Noah's golems were there to defend and wouldn't go out of their way to cause damage. The new golem had it coming, Noah was sure of that.
Being back home felt great. The familiar sounds of running potion rivers and the rhythmic pounding of the massive fallen titan's heart made Noah feel safe. Despite feeling a little giddy and full of energy from being home, Noah went to bed in his vault safe in the knowledge that only a true world-ending event would be able to get past the thick magical stone walls of his shop.
Unfortunately for everyone, that was exactly what happened next.
World mission event....World mission event
Funny rain, Funny shit
That's no moon, that's a titan's bum. The baby titan is expelling its waste and unfortunately for you, gravity has ahold of it. The world will be covered in sloppy titan waste for the next couple of days. With the waste comes the parasites that once lived in the Titan.
Mission: Get rid of the parasites, and clean up your world.
Reward: Being clean and not covered in shit. It's your world after all.
The world mission was a common occurrence. Once every tenish years the baby titan that lived in space as the planet's moon would relive its self covering the planet. The baby titan had been there ever since written text and this was one of those repeating missions.
Noah awoke in a fit of panic. World missions weren't a joke. The last one had almost killed him. He was just a kid that had bunkered underground with the rest of the civilians when a mass of poop the size of a mountain hit the area. The waste pinned them in the bunker, it would take the farmers and traders a couple of weeks to shift that amount of precious fertiliser but it wasn't the poop that worried him, it was the other thing, The parasites.
Noah jumped out of bed fighting back the clinging blanket and rushed to a hidden dusty cupboard door. This was the door to a very costly defence system, something that an expert rune crafter and expert enchanter had created.
Inside, a switch was pulled and the great humming and multi-colour shield that Noah expected to cover the store failed. Noah tugged on the switch again, his irritation and panic were plastered on his face. Noah didn't understand, it should work, he had tested it before and it worked fine.
Noah checked the power source. There should have been a well-crafted energy core made by a sculptor and imbued with magical essence but instead, there was a piece of paper. Unfolding the paper, Noah read it
Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.
"I.O.U one shiny bead, signed me"
The rage, oh the rage filled Noah like no skill could. Noah recognised the chicken scratch to be the Phoenix's handwriting. The utter bastard had stolen his magical power source. God knows what he did with it but it wasn't where it should be and that was all that mattered.
The phoenix was lightly resting on his crystal fire skull eyes trying to get over the liquorice ice cream cramps when he was jiggled awake by golem number three carrying his nest.
"What's this about" demanded the Phoenix
Golem number three gave the driest look it could
"Don't talk back to me, do you even know who I am?" said the Phoenix
"Shut your pig mouth you ugly fat bird" snapped Noah as golem number three entered the room.
The Phoenix's feathers fluffed up as he didn't know who to direct his indignation at, the mouthy golem or Noah.
"Turn it over" Golem number three completed Noah's command, dumping the phoenix on the floor
Noah ignored the phoenix's noises and rammed the amalgamation that the phoenix called a nest into the power port and flipped the switch.
It would be nice if it worked but life isn't like that. Instead of the rainbow-coloured shield, a manifestation of warped souls condensed into a single enormous floating skull hovering over the Alchemist Bank.
It roared in a high-pitched screech that caused all the cats to flee and all the dogs to howl. At one point in time, the giant floating skull had been a familiar to a fallen titan but found itself fighting the Phoenix and having its eyes pulled out and used as a nest, now it could have its revenge. It loomed over buildings willing to rip the flesh and suck the marrow from bones. It was going to turn this world inside out and have a jolly good time in the process and yet, its timing was atrocious.
A steaming hulling piece of crap the size of a wagon sped across the sky and hit the amalgamation straight in the mouth, and just to show that god did exist and has a very sick sense of humour a second piece of stoll slapped it in the face leaving a nasty green smear across the cheekbones. The poor amalgamation crashed into a neighbourhood building and slid to the floor. Tears could be seen pouring from the amalgamation and yet this was just another one of those nasty jokes because the tears were long worm-like parasites the length of horses pouring out of the eye holes. There is only so much that an amalgamation of floating soul skulls can bear to take before it gives up on existence. The amalgamation disappeared into nothing as the switch was turned off thankful for the sweet sense of non-existence.
Noah didn't realise what had happened, he knew that there wasn't any shield so turned off the apparatus, thus cutting the link the amalgamation had with the real world.
The amalgamation existence was short. It was alive, it eat shit and then wanted to die... just like everyone who ever lived but in a time frame of seconds.
Without a shield, the Alchemist Bank got its fair share of falling dookie and the once excited busy city that had transformed into gang warfare was now peppered with the soft paps of wet mess hitting hard rock. There was a good side to the poop rain and that was even in the best of times no one wanted to be out in the rain and definitely no one wanted to spend their day being shat on, so when you add them together it cleared the streets better than any Karen at a party. The roaming gangs and unruly sneak thieves that were taking advantage decided to stay inside but this was only the start.
In the mountains of condensing waste spilt out the parasites. Disgusting worm-like creatures with the face of the most questionable-looking creature in the multi-verse, clowns.
No one knew why these parasite worms that rained down once every tenish years looked like clowns but everyone could agree that the noises they made were horrendous. They moved like snakes but made the wet slapping noises of a size sixteen-inch shoe hitting the floor. They were tough and slimy making them a pain to kill. Even if you got past their rubbery skin to kill one the final death noise they made would summon every parasite around them. Many people were left with cold chills down their spine when hearing the death rattles of an echoing "honk"
And yet the worst thing was they got everywhere. Once on land, they would find any little crack or hole to find them selfs a new host. Most found a new home in the sewers and with access to those tunnels the parasites had access to every home. Many a child would develop a phobia of the porcelain throne when a horse-length worm with a bright clown nose busted out of the toilet and scared the poor kid, it was enough to scare the shit out of adults let alone kids.
Noah had a similar experience when he was a child. The bunker he stayed at was overrun by clown parasites and he would be damned if he allowed that nightmare to happen again. Fires were stoked, vaults and rooms went on lockdown and Noah pulled out his secret weapon.....
This new weapon took advantage of guns but added a new twist with Alchemy. A stand-alone tripod with mounted clustered barrels that rotated with a crank, aka a Gatling gun. Of course, guns were weak when the system could power an individual so that metal travelling at twice the speed of sound would bounce off the target, that's where the alchemy twist comes in.
The ammo for Noah's Gatling gun was specially made by Noah. Each one was the shape and size of a test tube filled with concoctions both irritating and/or deadly, separated by a wad of cork and powered by liquid air.
It was a simple design where the Gatling gun would pierce the tip of the test tube and release the liquid air causing a slow but powerful propulsion. The test tube would fly and break against any hard substance releasing the damage-dealing liquids and gases.
Noah looked over to the grates to the sewers. This would be the entrance point that the parasites would use. Even now, he could hear the unmistakable noise of slapping feet and honking clown noses. It was time for a very long grudge to be settled, a battle against parasite clown worms from outer space versus an Alchemist with anger problems.