The Notorious Misadventures of an Alchemist and a Phoenix chapter 42
Not all heroes wear capes, on the world with a baby titan acting as a moon and every ten years a pour down of filth and parasites the heroes wore cheap heavy makeup and shinny red noses.
The clown guild was heavily invested and exempted from all taxes and only did one thing, fight parasites of the Titan Moon. The guild had long ago learnt to fight the parasites using the most efficient ways possible. Everything about them was steeped in reason. The heavy clown makeup confused the parasites into thinking they were one of them. The huge floppy squeaky shoes disturbed the thought processes of the parasites and the squeeze horn that mimicked the death rattle of the parasites was used to bring as many parasites to the same area because when the clown guild fought it was something special to see.
Another honk broke the tension and the guild clown dived towards the parasites while tossing eight pies at once, before the clown even hit the ground each pie landed with expert precision on a fresh-faced parasite letting the heads sway backwards from the force of the throw. The guild clown rolled off the ground and slid over to the woman who had been caught by a parasite. He whipped out a conga line of handkerchiefs, and he went on to cut the parasite's tail off. With a push, the woman was freed and united with her family.
With its prey gone, the parasites ganged on the nearest nutrient bag. The guild clown released another weapon in the form of balloons and started to blow them up. The parasite's main attack was with their razor-sharp teeth that they would attack with. The engorged ballons slipped past the parasite's teeth and inflated in their mouths to cause a displacement of matter in the form of parasite-bulging eyes and brains plopping out the back of their heads. Without using a single skill, the guild clown had incapacitated eight parasites and killed a further five using ballons, and this was just the beginning.
The clown clumsily tumbled and twisted in the air. At first, the twists and turns looked amateur but to a close observer, the clown's feet would slam into bodies as effectively as a monk. Slaps caused ripples through the rubbery parasite worms' bodies causing internal damage and blood sprinkled from their mouths. The baggy clown clothes caught the parasites and with expert control, the parasite bodies were twisted and broken into odd shapes that represented animals. Of course, the clowns were able to mix their special type of slap fu with skills. The clown guild had some great fighters but it was when they joined forces did they shine and decimated their enemies.
A good example of this was inside a bunker that had failed to close in time and by some horror had let the parasites in. Bunkers were for the young who didn't have the age to collect stats and skills to defend themself. The sudden cries and shocked screams excited the parasites. The few defenders found it nearly impossible to keep up with the many parasites but they needn't worry as the telltale tune of the clown guild could be heard.
A bike waggon peddled by a clown rushed through the parasites gumming up the wheels with crushed parasites. It skidded to a halt leaving long bloody smears on the ground using the guts of the parasites. The diver tapped on the roof and then settled down with a cigar the size of a forearm. Suddenly the cigar exploded causing a vibration through the tunnels. That was the signal for hell to be let loose on the parasites.
First, the music coming out of the waggon was grandiose and epic, the air was filled with deep trumpets that raised the mood and subtle flutes that tickled the whimsical and joyful.
The defenders looked away from the parasites with massive smiles on their faces. Before they didn't have hope and their faces were in the mud from the mood they felt but now they knew what was coming.
"doot-doot-doodle-oodle oot doot do do" the defenders absentmindedly joined in with the music.
To answer their call the doors to the small waggon opened up and out poured clown after clown. Each one tumbled out with the expert clumsiness that made them look ridiculous. Each clown got to work flipping through the air to deliver an expert beating that caused the parasites to flatter. One of the earlier clowns had sprung up in the air and dived into the parasites like they were nothing but water and with unbelievable skill used a high-powered water jet skill that sliced and cut through the worms like they were butter.
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Other clowns were jump rope skipping using the long bodies of the parasites as a rope causing their necks to be broken and then discarded with a fresh new victim.
Pies flew, water sprays cut flesh, balloons were popped and during all of this, the clowns never stopped coming out of the waggon. What should have held four clowns turned out to have no limit as clown after clown squeezed out.
With so many clowns decimating the parasites and pushing them back the guild clowns were able to kill all of the pests and closed the bunker. The defenders went to give their thanks but the clowns piled back into the waggon to go where they were needed.
Images like this were common around the city, if it wasn't the clowns destroying their enemy then it was individuals who had the skills and stats to take on the hoard of parasites.
An old man who wielded a trash can was scooping up the parasites and turning them into mush with a quick shake of the trash can and then spraying other parasites with the liquidised body parts.
The butcher who had rebranded himself as a dismantler of rare creatures was reaching into the parasite's mouths and pulling out the nervous system leaving a shocking mess of parasites lying on the floor.
Margo Mordecai with the help of the bag boys was shoving parasites into a giant meat grinder. The bag boys were desperately trying to keep up with the old cook's actions pumping their little muscles to turn the handle of the grinder. The skin of the parasites would make excellent crispy crackling fit for any adventure and so Margo ripped the skin from their bodies and placed the screeching still alive parasite worm into the grinder. A couple of the bag boys almost lost some fingers when they got too close to the edge of the meat grinder to find a parasite was trying to escape its fate. Margo would push the parasite face first into the grinder and save the little wondering hands of the bag boys.
Claire the care bear was bloodied and beaten. She was an animal that was big enough to grab the attention of the parasites and she had to fight them off. Claire would have died by the non-hands of the parasites if it wasn't for the floating fire skulls she had saved from the Phoenix. In a weird but heartwarming way, the skulls teamed up with their adopted mother and froze any parasite that came close to Claire. The powerful strikes of a system-powered bear and the crowd control of the flaming skulls made a protective barrier around an old warehouse that the weak and sick made their way to.
Sergeant Honey was doing her usual ripping and tearing when by the great horror of the police force who fought with her found a big parasite that swallowed her whole. The police couldn't break the formation as the enemy was at their door. They needn't have worried as the big parasite dropped to the floor twisting on itself in great pain as a bloodied Sergeant Honey ripped her way out of the parasite like a parasite herself. The madness in her eyes caused the police force to use her as a weapon of madness and destruction. When they needed a rest, they would push the parasites into Sergeant Honey's path.
The newly formed horse guild did the thing they were best at, they ran and ran. A parade of hoofs crushed any parasite that got in the way and if any parasite managed to latch onto the back side of a horse, they were met with the bronking kicks of a panicking horse.
The headmaster had found himself at a disadvantage. His skills and stats were lent towards physical strength and not towards a mass of rubber parasite worms. Still, he had a job to do and despite being an inflexible turd of a man, he knew that he had to protect the school and whoever was in it. He wrestled and tore with every ounce of strength he had. Whenever a parasite was about to pass him and attack his pupils he would grab them and bring them into the fold. He was in the centre of knotted parasite worms and he was losing. There were just too many and he didn't have enough arms to tangle them all up. Thankfully, he wasn't alone. Unfortunately, it was the students that came to his aid. What can a child do with low stats you might ask. How about crushing the pile of knotted parasites with a desk strapped to a radiator and homemade coffee machine? The explosion caused the headmaster's teeth to rattle and yet he felt a little pride in his students as they were able to destroy the knotted worms. Thanks to his stats the headmaster walked away with just his handlebar moustache burnt completely off.
Similar things happened throughout the city. When the tough time came, the community banded together and while the city energy shield that was meant to protect the city had failed, people had proven their worth and rose to the challenge