The Notorious Misadventures of an Alchemist and a Phoenix Chapter 44

Never underestimate the power of a long and whining moan. The phoenix had followed Noah around his workshop, tugging at his leg and screeching, begging and pleading.

Each time Noah measured out a dangerous substance, a powerful tug caused him to spill his concoction. His rage already close to the edge spiked up causing Noah to grit his teeth. Pulling his leg away and almost falling over due to the latching bird he recovered and came close to slapping the bird. This continued for the rest of the day and only when it came time for bed did Noah get away from the needy bird by closing his vault door bedroom. It was useful that the phoenix had a short attention span and would end the barrage of tugging and snorting, unfortuntantly, Noah was wrong.

As soon as the vault door was opened the sniffling and snot-covered phoenix jumped onto Noah's leg.

"What the hell do you want," said Noah with the hardest hint of annoyance in his voice "I can't do anything about your stupid show"

"I..IT...IT'S NOT STUPID...." sniffled the phoenix

Noah looked the phoenix squarely into the bloodshot eyes "If you want to go, then go"

"I can't go alone" hiccuped the phoenix "They won't let me back in"

Noah's eyes rolled like they always did when talking to the phoenix. The Phoenix was able to go where he wanted because Noah couldn't stop him. With this freedom, the phoenix had gone to The Undead and Restless studio and made such a massive cluster slug of a situation that they booted him out and told him never to return. Noah wasn't clear on what the phoenix had done but it was enough to get multiple lifetime bans.

Noah walked away..........

After four more days of begging and three different situations that almost killed Noah with badly measured compounds, Noah teleported to the undead and restless studios with the now gleeful phoenix. He didn't want to go, he was very aware that the last couple of times he had left the protection of his workshop he had suffered an unexpected adventure that led to unexpected misery. However, it was a pain to have the phoenix constantly under his feet and so, using some mental math Noah reasoned that a moment of pain was better than this long drawn out suffering.

The studios of The Dead and Restless were more like a zoo. Not in the way animals were kept under lock and key but the wildness of it all. Roaming gangs of simi-drunk talent agents wheeling and dealing, negotiating sweet fat deals for themselves at the expense of their clients. security trolls pushed their way through the crowds no matter if you were a peasant or a CEO, if you got in the way then you got trodden on by a creature that had the thinking power of moss, if you're not smart enough to get out of the way then you were going to be the newest bubble gum under the foot of trolls. Hobits and halfling teamsters were lazying around drinking and smoking making the whole place look ever more untidy but never having to worry about being fired because of their union boss being a sentient giant Kracken who could hash out the best deals or one of the meanest beatings.

Noah was being pushed around by the daily studio tourist he had joined. Each member of the group was ushered where to go next by their guide.

"Please remember that any lost property will be claimed by the studio and its extremities. That includes but is not limited to clothes, jewellery, legendary weapons, children up to the age of thirteen and body parts" explained the buck-toothed guide. She was probably a human and differently not a mimic who had trouble with her teeth.

Noah hated this, it was suffocating and if one more wondering hand tried to slide into his pocket by accident then they could keep what they found and it was never pretty what an Alchemist stored in their pocket.

Noah looked at the Phoenix and shrugged at him "Do what you have to do then" Noah had no clue how the Phoenix was going to save the excommunicated Valentina or even if she needed their help. The only thing Noah knew was he had done his part and was now just waiting for the phoenix to make his move, and yet Noah was oddly surprised at the phoenix's attitude. It had been a full ten minutes without a full-deluxe tantrum or a fight that questioned the opponent's mother's sexual preference. Instead, the phoenix was glowing with such excitement at being back at the studio that even the baggy and ill-fitting trench coat he had chosen as a disguise couldn't hide the vibrations of joy.

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Noah could see it coming from a mile away. The insane and difficult behaviour of the phoenix was like a damn that constantly trickled deranged and mad behaviour but the phoenix was on his best behaviour so he could get in and see The Dead and Restless and now that damn was on the verge to burst.

Noah would sooner go back to hell than become part of this bubbling overstimulated jerk's action. Noah removed himself from the crowd and slipped around a corner just in time to hear the damn brake and the shrill voice of the phoenix proclaiming that he was ready for his photo to be taken.

"I knew it," thought Noah. There was no chance that the phoenix gave a cluster slug about an undead being excommunicated. The sad little bird just wanted to be famous and jumped at the chance. It was odd because the phoenix was likely the most infamous individual in all the lands but even though the phoenix bathed in that infamy he wanted to be loved as well as feared.

Noah sat himself down on a foldable chair and ordered a happy clown cocktail from a bicycle bar. Noah was sure that the drink he ordered was called something else but the clown guild was such a grand success at protecting the people that they were now naming drinks after them, even if they had a name before.

Noah leaned back waiting for his drink and just listening to the bar members only to learn many useless things. The clown guild was getting a parade and the key to the city with one free drink on holy days.

"Very generous" thought Noah. With a nearly endless amount of gods roaming the multiverse, every day was some kind of holy day, some overlapped each other and on those days the clowns would have a second toast, maybe even a third.

A troll came whizzing around the corner at a snail's pace with a notebook in his shovel-like hands. This one was the head of security as he was checking a picture of the phoenix with every single person he passed. The troll stopped at Noah looking him in the eye and then back to his notes and then back to Noah's face. Trolls were slow in the mind and slow in the heart but they had that useful kind of slowness that no matter how quick and clever a charming fraudster was, they couldn't be fooled. It was obvious that Noah didn't look like a bird but the troll was doing his job and using both brain cells to make the judgment call that humans weren't birds. Noah was beginning to feel guilty about the long-staring troll but kept his mouth closed. The wrong thing said could lead to bad places. Noah had heard of city watchmen trolls arresting people because they were looking for someone who had stolen and came across a seemingly innocent man called Rob, and that was enough for a troll.

Noah's choice to keep his pie hole closed was the correct one when an uppity vampire Producer in a suit floated down and took the opposite seat from Noah. The poor bastard was sweating heavily as the undead knew something was wrong but he was compelled to befriend Noah in the worst way possible. The vampire floated down not understanding that Noah had a title that made all undead love him. The vampire was about to whisper sweet nothings and promise the sun and moon when a thick shovel-sized hand grabbed it out of the air and yanked it away.

Noah heard the troll say as he forcible choked the vampire into a box "Birds fly, you fly, you are a bird"

You can't argue with trolls, no matter how much you plead, promise and threaten, it does nothing. Even with the phoenix screeching in the background and spewing long ribbons of fire, trolls wouldn't be fooled.

A wide glass was placed in front of Noah as the vampire joined in with the phoenix's screams "Will that be everything" asked the waiter

I nodded and was handed the bill. My eyes bulged as the price came into view. I knew that the entertainment industry was overpriced but this was insane, for a single drink, in an outside bicycle bar it was forty times more expensive.

When asked about the price, the waiter looked left and then right. He lent in and whispered what he believed to be a great secret "There isn't any stock left, alcohol isn't being made anymore....well not in the mind-warping ways experts brewers can produce and at the massive quantities" The nervousness in the waiter's face was clear for all to see "the great brewers have gone missing and now we are only left with rubbing alcohol"

Noah took a sip of his drink and winched at the sharpness and chemical flavour

"There have been rumours that it isn't just the brewers that are going missing but the great drinkers as well. Valentina from The Dead and Restless disappeared on set without a trace and she was known to swallow tons of the hardest liquids"

Noah's eyes twitched. It was probably why the phoenix wanted to save the undead in the first place, massive amounts of entertainment through the actions of a drunk sassy undead was something the phoenix would love.

Somehow, against all the odds and the absurdity of the vastness of the multi-verse the phoenix had dragged Noah into a mystery adventure. Noah dabbed his mouth with a paper towel, paid his bill and did the only sensible thing he could do, he walked away.