The Notorious Misadventures of an Alchemist and a Phoenix Chapter 29
It had been a month since the interaction with the enforcer, casino and thieves guild and Noah was feeling great. Business was good, Noah had invented many new potions with various degrees of usefulness and the phoenix had been out of his hair doing community service. The best news was that the Phoenix was so bad at doing community services that it kept getting extended.
The enormous union that was now picketing the city was somehow the fault of the phoenix. The daft bird had somehow brought together the homeless and unemployed horses that used to do most if not all the pulling and travelling and made the most powerful union in all the lands. The Phoenix was soon kicked out of the union because of missing funds.
And that was the main reason Noah was having a good time. The more time the Phoenix was away, the better Noah felt. Things were going like clockwork.
Noah had a couple of moments to spend and decided to pick the brain of his on and off again friend Leo Cúchulainn, a tranmitgator from the planet Mud...or Earth, or was it called Soil. Noah found Leo in his usual place, a watering hole known as Siren's Gaze.
A bar that had a siren singing for the audience. Leo had hired the creature when he had saved the siren from drowning. The fact was sirens are fantastic swimmers but they also have the brain of a wet fart. Each time a siren breaks the surface of water they forget that they can breathe water and panic like a flailing clown. When Leo saved the siren he also hired the sad creature in his bar.
The siren's call echoed throughout the bar as the beautiful siren caused the customer's minds to become fuzzy.
"One ozone layer" called out Noah as he sat down at the bar beside Leo.
Leo briefly looked up and then returned his eyes to his drink. His drink could only be called the most flamboyant and colourful drink in all of the multiverse. The liquid consistently changed colour and even states of matter. Sadly despite its magnificent appearance the name was Chameleon's cock, all because it was hard, then soft and multi-coloured.
Leo took a swift slurp from his tall drink and slapped his lips together
"What's the news" asked Noah
"Bad news, Bad news brah" Leo went on to explain how the city's powers are interfering with everything. Because of a magical rift people were being forced to join adventure parties and even the powerful tranmigators and reincarnation were being politically pushed into action. If a weak goon tried to push the tranmigators into action they would become a smear on a wall but political power was different. This was why Leo was depressed.
"I wish I could help. Why don't you tell me more about your world's banking system" asked Noah. The other world's banking system sounded impossibly wrong but full of potential.
"You want to help me....you know what, you can help me" replied Leo.
And that was the danger of offering fake help when you didn't mean it. Leo had taken it at face value and gladly accepted. Before Noah could peddle back he had taken a friendly slap on the back and passed out. The power of an isekai was no joke but Noah's Constitution was.
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Noah dreamed of bright colours and flashing lights similar to when you rub your eyes too hard and awoke to a disturbing reality of unfamiliar mountains and a vast ocean mist spanning a few tens of miles.
Noah searched for a familiar face but there was none. All around him were busy warriors pitching tents and preparing food like an army, but no Leo. At least there wasn't any phoenix either. There's always a bright side.
Noah wobbled to his feet only to be pushed down again when a crowd of warriors ran past holding an equally unstable screaming short bolding man
"THERE COMING, THERE COMING" yelled the man
Noah didn't have a clue what he was saying but it seemed that everyone else did as they jumped to their feet and marched to their station. From out of the mist appeared an army of malformed horrors. Each one was more twisted in appearance than a generic brand pretzel and twice as tasteless in looks.
It would have been a true horror moment if it wasn't for the fact that each creature was one foot tall. Noah would have laughed out loud if he hadn't witnessed the warriors tuck their trousers into their socks and pad their grown areas with padding and armour. There were a few men who even cupped their manhood when looking at these pint-sized horrors.
The modus operandi of these tiny terrors was to attack the gentiles. Each one would climb up inside of a pant leg and whale on the soft underside of each warrior. The first time warrior and horror clashed in battle was the only time the humans underestimated them. It was a common sight to see returning warriors limping bow-legged suffering from friction burns and bite marks on their unmentionables.
Frantically looking around for any way to protect himself, Noah jumped behind a stack of unpeeled potatoes. Noah sweated bullets, he thought about blasting a couple of these invading horrors off their feet but every one of these malformed creatures possessed many pairs of feet. Noah's stomach was churring with fear and it wouldn't do him any good to witness an abomination getting slammed by his mana missile only to flip through the air and land on a different pair of feet that sprouted from the ungodly creature's body.
If only he had his new weapon with him, then he could have done some special type of alchemist damage. Instead, he would have to make do with what he had, and what he had was a pile of root vegetables and nothing more. It was true that to any small child, the root vegetable was a highly effective weapon with its bitter taste and highly nutritious minerals but it wouldn't be the same for this monstrosity. If these tiny terrors would willingly bite and scrape the undercarriage of sweaty dirty warriors, then snacking on tuber plants was only slightly worse
"Extract" "Extract" "Extract" "Extract" repeated Noah with the softest of whispers. The soft milky liquid flowed from the root vegetable and pooled in a discurded bowl.
The bubbling, slurring speech patterns that the tiny dreads used to speak to each other were getting closer. A particularly unlucky twisted tiny creature spotted Noah as it tried to climb the mountain of potatoes, only to scare Noah and cause a knee-jerk reaction of tossing the liquid at the unexpecting creature.
It's never fun to have the starch from root vegetables wiped in your eye but think of the pain this creature went through when you realised the cloudy milky liquid was mostly from onions and it was like a bathtub amount of liquid being splashed on the miniature monstrosity, add on the fact that there was eyes all over its small body.
The howling high-pitched screams of stinging pain coming from its many jagged teethed mouths was enough to cause birds to fall from the sky and dogs to howl from twenty miles away. Of course, every single twisted miniature horror came sprinting towards the noise.
Noah discarded the plan he had and leapt over his potato protection, straight into a giant black cooking pot filled with partially prepared potatoes and lukewarm water. Before he could escape the pot a lid slammed on top, trapping Noah.
Before fear could worm its way further into his soul, the whole cooking pot was lifted by many tiny deformed hands and carried away. For the second time, Noah was being kidnapped. The god of kidnapping must be having a good day if he had time to pick on Noah twice in a row.