The Notorious Misadventures of an Alchemist and a Phoenix Chapter 37
Noah had made his way to the surface thanks to the kindhearted Dwarfs. They wanted Noah to come back to their city and celebrate a successful hunt but they knew if he entered the fortress city then he would be imprisoned and poked to an early death to find out how Noah was able to survive the deep dark. Dwarfs have a complex honour system that is both easy to understand and mind-numbing stupid/complicated. There was no way that Noah would be able to escape if he went to the Dwarf Republic. It was a true testament to how heavily fortified that place was when it was easier to escape hell than the Dwarfs.
Still, Noah took a deep breath of fresh surface air and let a long sigh out as his face was washed with the bright rays of the morning sun. Getting back home was simple as the road he was on was busy. Noah thumbed a ride home relying on the kindness of strangers to bum a free ride. Unfortunately, he bummed a ride from an elf. Noah's ass was on fire as the elf peddled across the country on his BMX, jumping over hills and causing massive jolts of pain in Noah's rear when he collided with the seat of the bike. At the end of it, Noah would need an ice bath to bring the swelling down.
In the meantime, the Phoenix had ripped itself from the earth to escape hell. To be truthful, he had been kicked out of hell for unwanted destruction and danger to dogkind. The phoenix had been chased throughout the most expensive parts of hell and by being his usual self damaged the Bark.B.Q joint that served tasty hot meaty treats. This was a running theme as the Phoenix pushed and shoved his way out of harm's way causing dog parks to burst in flames or water parks to flood. The phoenix just had that type of talent where even the slightest touch could cause chaos that even Hell couldn't withstand. The final straw came when a fluke domino effect caused the only soft serve ice cream store in hell to teleport and fuse onto a gas giant making the whole planet into ice cream. This could have been forgiven as everyone likes ice cream and a whole gas giant full of the stuff would warrant a visit, however, the flavour of ice cream was liquorice. And so the Phoenix was caught, made to eat half a lake of liquorice ice cream and booted out of hell with a warning that if he ever returned there was still a whole planet's worth of punishment for the Phoenix to eat
This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.
This was why the Phoenix was having a bad time. The excess dairy had caused the fat bird to swell like a balloon. The phoenix crawled into a corner of the vast tunnels and wept into the darkness. The soft crying and explosive bottom burps even made the deep dark afraid to approach the weeping firey mess that was the Phoenix. If it wasn't for the continuous gut pains then the phoenix would have cared about his message
The greatest pain in the ass
Many have escaped hell but few can say that they aren't welcomed at all.
Your actions have led to every Phoenix being banned from all nine circles of hell in this universe.
100% increase in fleeing speed
-100% in all stats when in hell
Side note: Stay the hell out of hell
A new legend was passed down by the monsters of the deep dark that heard the Phoenix's disturbing noises.
A soft cry in the deep dark
An inflicted wicked stench that went unidentified
A putrid stench that overwrites your will to survive
An eruption of Destruction that would reap your life
The dwarfs have something similar but because the Dwarfs don't have the most poetic souls even compared to monsters their poems are simple.
What's that noise
What's that screeching sound
Smells like a rotten egg
Something just exploded
Stay away from that cluster slug of problems.
Even tho the Dwarf's poems were less poetic it was correct in so many ways, especially the last line.
Of course, the Phoenix didn't know this because everything was avoiding the smelly exploding lactose-intolerant bird. Legendary creatures have a status effect immunity but being unable to digest dairy wasn't a status effect, after all, everyone poops, especially after eating so much ice cream.