The Notorious Misadventures of an Alchemist and a Phoenix Chapter 30

Noah had by some small miracle wedged a small gap and now was peering out from his cooking pot. There was nothing to see as the small horrors had taken Noah into the fog, but there was something to sense. Soft plums of semi-transparent vapour flowed through the gap and somehow magically wafted up Noah's nose like the smell from a nice-tasting pie.

The effects of the hallucinogenic fog took effect and Noah's mind rippled as images formed. The fog was no one's friend as its primary function was to cause crippling fear. Most people would see death or big tax bill, others would witness torture. A few may also see the true nature of the universe and fall into despair to an uncaring existence but Noah saw all of the above in the form of the Phoenix.

In the illusion, the Phoenix was the cause of Noah's death, he was the cause of Noah's misfortune and ultimately the uncaring part of the universe manifested in this illusion.

Instead of fear, anger rose from the pit of Noah's stomach to combat the tide of panic and beat back the unwanted emotion. Noah's fear of the Phoenix was justified as the beast caused him no end of trouble. The power a normal Phoenix held was mesmerising but add a hint of crazy and a ton of stupidity and you had a pocket nuke ready to blow when you said a bad "your mum joke", that fit Noah's Phoenix to the letter.

However, there was a counterbalance to being afraid. The Phoenix annoyed Noah to the max and there was only so much fear that could control you without it turning back on itself. The more you confront your fears, the less they have a hold over you, and Noah faced the Phoenix almost every day.

This type of fear didn't hold Noah still thanks to Noah's mind, the daily interaction with the phoenix and a floating potato in the cooking pot that slammed hard into his nose caused the spell to break. Rubbing his nose, Noah would have been more fortunate if he stayed in the illusion for a couple more minutes as he looked out of the cooking pot and witnessed what was beyond the fog barrier.

A deep red tear warped the area. It was a portal, a portal to who knows where and yet it was sucking in Noah's mind and body like a well-known chocolatier kaleidoscopic tunnel of warping colours and sick images. The confusing nature of this red portal caused Noah's mind to stall, the mind was a delicate thing and it was backdrafting on Noah.

This saved Noah's mind as the place he was entering was rumoured to be the second most disturbing place in the universe, Hell. It lost to the number one spot because the trees in that place coughed like a three-pack-a-day smoker, the air smelt just a hint of soured milk and the dominated species communicated with bottom burps. Still, it wasn't all bad, their opera was some of the best if you could get over the long smelly solos.

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The truth about hell was that gods lie, and they don't like devils and demons. The gods' holy books always said how bad hell was but Noah was learning that it was quite the opposite. Everything was pristine and adapted for the wellbeing of Dogs. Glorious parks with spectacular-smelling plants and interesting wildlife to chase. Great-tasting meat on sticks was at the ready for any hungry pup. Interesting buildings packed to the brim with toys. A true paradise for a demon's best friend.

All of hell was rich and well-built, no expense was spared and it was all funded by the dead souls that went to hell. This was because the greatest crafters all went to hell. After all, heaven was too hard to get into and if you are worth your salt then you were enough of a git to be worth knowing.

Everyone worth having, because of their skills usually made their way down to hell. Strangely Heaven looked a bit cheap compared to hell, like putting silver paint over a worn-out semi-rotting post.

This was why Noah had been kidnapped, he was the best at Alchemy and the demons could always use another skilled craftsman. How did the tiny monstrosity know Noah was an alchemist......hell knows.

Noah was unceremoniously tossed in a mansion, and cleaned up by busty beast-human housemaids. Noah was scrubbed raw until he had an unhealthy red-pink tint to his skin thanks to the fierce cleaning. Even the cooking pot that came with Noah had new life polished into it.

Noah was sat in his pot too scared to leave, this grand room dominated his very being. A giant painting of a very well-dressed dapper being in a tweed suit peered down and made Noah feel small. The eyes especially made him creeped out when they followed Noah. For whatever reason Noah had to escape, who knows what his future held if he was to stay in hell but the rumours around hell were never good.

Noah had to be careful and yet sod's law struck. As Noah left the cooking pot it gently swayed causing it to gain momentum and flip back to create an unbalance and an unholy flip in the cooking pot. Due to the universal law of hell, Murphy's Law was a staple. It meant anyone alive in hell would get the worst luck, if it could go wrong, it would. It was so bad and weird that if you flipped a coin in the air, there was a chance it would turn into a pigeon and poop on your head.

That strangeness was in full effect. The cooking pot lifted off the ground, destroying the grand long table causing the air to be littered with wooden fagments. Those splitters ripped through the hanging cloths placed throughout the room. The curtain fell, and so did the bronze curtain rod that speared the giant painting. and with that, the painting dropped to the ground revealing a secret passage and a dead beholder.

The wondering eyes of the painting had belonged to this beholder. Now it was dead with a pole directly in its main eye, speared like a piece of meat on a stick. Noah panicked a lot. He had just accidentally killed something, something that he guessed belonged here. Panicking makes people run, and that's what Noah did, straight through the hidden passage with a soft hop over the beholder.

If only Noah knew he had done the mansion a favour by killing the beholder. The beholder as a race was paranoid, this one had made secret passages throughout the mansion. The owner thought of the beholder as nothing but a pest and a pervert. The beholder liked to watch all kinds of things, especially watching people eat, something the owner was very self-conscious about.