It would be enormous hyperbole to say that little chat with Dragon was the most painful experience I'd had with him. He and I had clashed on four separate occasions now -- or more, depending on how you counted -- and each time it felt like he was introducing me to some new dimension of pain I wasn't aware of before.
He killed the Defiant. He killed Aylssa. He dragged me back into the Exhuman life. He was the one behind Oasis. An agent for Blackett, and for Idris. And now this.
This….chat. About feelings. With a developmentally retarded sociopathic Exhuman murderfiend.
Yeah, I'd be hyperbole to call it the most painful experience. But I'd say it anyway. Because at least when he was killing me or those I loved, it was a punishment for my failures, for not being as strong as he was, or as capable, or as prepared. This time, it was a reward for my success.
The good news was, it was brief. It only took about twenty minutes before I thought I'd dragged everything out of him I was gonna get, at which point, here I was, wandering around the inner city, my head spinning with the incredible lameness of our conversation and my eyes resting more than looking on the scenery.
The priests were hard at work, four of them in my sight at the moment, but another dozen I'd passed in the halls. There seemed to be many more of them than before; either I'd missed most of them on our last visit, or our god was pumping more into that caste at Rio's behest.
Because it really couldn't be anyone else. Three of the four I was watching were loading and operating an artillery piece, one of the many which had been dropping shells on us during our approach. I had to wonder who they were shooting at currently, but at the same time, really didn't want to know. The whole world was kinda out to get Oasis at the moment, but I imagined only the best-prepared would make it past all the exotics employed in defense, only to come face-to-face with a city full of Exhumans.
The last one was making weapons, or weapon parts. He was rolling out metal on a table and banging it into a smooth curve with hammer blows so consistent, you could set a metronome to them. As far as I knew, toads never really got bored or depleted, and could work up to their physical limits without complaint. The productivity of these guys was probably off the charts.
I hadn't seen the girls since they stepped off, but wasn't too worried for them. Dragon had been with me, and had no reason to attack them, and nothing else in the city was that big a threat. If I heard explosions or engines racing...or if they hailed me on comms of course, I'd come running. But until then, as I saw it, they were working their own agendas, and so was I.
And speaking of whom, my agenda came around the corner and began to inspect the work on the toad banging away. I watched her for a moment, and then moved to intercept when she departed after finishing her inspection.
"So how's it going?" I asked.
She jumped and yelped, turning to face me. "Oh, it's you, Athan. You startled me."
"Guilty conscience?" I asked, grinning.
She shrugged. "I don't typically have company. Liwei's always silent and Tobias prefers dreaming and stargazing. And diligent as they are, the priests only answer and acknowledge if instructed to." She shrugged again and then gave me a little frown. "You're not going to spout off at me like Liwei are you? I've heard enough of his commands."
"Wouldn't dream of it," I lied.
"Good. Well, I'm very busy. I'd appreciate your company, but would you mind walking?"
I took a couple jogging strides to catch up with her and followed at her elbow as she dove back into the twisting labyrinth.
While none of the rooms looked exactly the same to me, all of them looked similar enough, like iterations of one another, that I couldn't actually tell where we were or if we were just headed in large circles. But apparently she knew, and paused every couple of rooms to check on the work of some toads, often giving them more refined instructions, or picking up bits of what they were working on to stow under her arm or in her labcoat's pockets.
"I'm sorry about your arm," she said, after a couple such stops. It was funny, she was so much shorter than me that despite moving with some urgency, I could keep up with just long strides.
"Yeah, it's okay," I commented. "Honestly, resetting my shoulder is one of the less-painful things Dragon's done to me. I was just thinking about that earlier."
"I see. What would you say is the most painful?"
I looked at her sideways, catching her eyes through her oval glasses which made her pause. "What?" she asked.
"That's like, a terrible question," I laughed at her. I wasn't sure why I was laughing, maybe just how ridiculous it was for her to think that was a good topic. Then again, she'd had a lot of similar socializing as Dragon, I guess.
"Oh. I suppose so," she frowned slightly. "Insensitive, I guess. I'm sorry. Would asking...the most pain you've inflicted on him...be better?"
I shook my head. "Um, maybe. But generally pain isn't really a great conversation topic."
She resumed walking, and so I resumed trailing.
"I suppose not, for casual acquaintances," she continued. "I wouldn't bring it up on a first date, maybe. But you and I are past that...aren't we? I thought so. We made a gun together when last you left and...perhaps I'm confused. I'm sorry. I'm tired."
"I can tell by your voice. Have you been running around like this the whole time?"
"If you mean the whole war, then...yes." She paused again, barely glancing at what looked like a lattice of plastic gauze being carefully knit, and picking up a small bundle from the station before continuing. "I am not certain how actual militaries function, but I assume they have more than one woman doing the deployment and provisioning."
"Yeah, I was kinda wondering about that. Like...you make guns. They've got that, naturally. But what about like, food? I thought you guys were really hard-up for salt?"
We apparently reached our destination, an unoccupied workbench almost randomly positioned in the middle of a relatively unspoiled hall. She dropped her armful of materials and began emptying her pockets.
"I was worried about that as well," she said. "But as it turns out, the rest of the world has something of an abundance of salt. We're actually at a surplus for the first time in my lifetime, with our supply lines bringing it back into the city. If I had known I could solve our problems so easily, I might have done this sooner."
"Well that's...great," I said through grit teeth. "You know, you could also like...buy it. Or something. Maybe something that doesn't involve pillaging."
"We did that for a time," she looked up at me seriously. "We traded our guns, if you recall. Somebody shut down that operation."
"You could have traded anything else. How about those silks you make? Those aren't found anywhere else on the planet. Or...artisanal earthware. Hell, you're an amazingly talented technopath, I'm sure you could make other things--"
"I don't want to make other things. I want to make weapons."
This was it, my inroads to starting to talk her down. Even as her hands began moving, assembling some new death-device right in front of me, each part going into place like she knew exactly where it fit, I hoped I could begin to talk about our real goal.
"Are you sure you want to make weapons though?" I asked with exaggerated concern. "You look so tired. When's the last time you've been able to rest?"
She gave me a weary smile. "I can rest when my weapons are tested, when I'm proud of what I've made."
"Which is, when?"
"I don't know. When they're good enough."
"You know, they're already the best in the world. I told you last time we were here of all the shit that goes down with people dealing with your guns, people dying to have them and dying for not having them."
She frowned at me, her eyes not even on her work at this point, her hands like some kind of autonomous robotic system as they went. "What is it you do again, Athan?"
"Um. I'm in...security, I guess."
"Is that your passion? You berated me last time that I did not know your calling. Is 'security, I guess' the mark you wish to leave on the world?"
"Well, not in those admittely-lame words. But yes. I want the world to be more secure, for my having been in it."
"And if you worked your butt off, and attained...say...most of your goal, you left a smudge, not quite a mark. The world was better, but not secure--"
"I'd be happy with that."
"--and if your true goal was within your reach. Would you stop?"
That gave me pause. Mostly because, here I was, acting director of the XPCA, precisely because I'd been unable to put the breaks on the crazy train and ridden it all the way to the top somehow. All the way out to the glasslands, to her, in a move that was quite probably desperate. And necessary.
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But necessary for me to do? Was there another option, like...telling the president exactly where this city was and its weaknesses, and introducing a little more glass to China? Or hell, just from what I'd learned here, leaving behind poisoned salt? That'd fuck up the whole damn city for good.
And yet I wasn't doing those things, because that wouldn't be the right way. I saw that as short-sighted, saw the genocide against these people as destruction of a unique culture, and of fellow Exhumans. Even if they were bringing down war.
"No, I guess not," I told her. "I'd press on, just like you are."
"Good," she gave me a smile and an almost apologetic half-shrug. The thing in her hands was now fully resembling a small pistol, though we'd apparently reached a point where it had to be held in a vice while she assembled something tiny and dangerous looking to seat within it. "You know, I had concerns that you would come here and say nothing but how I needed to quit, how the good of the world depended on it. Arguments I cared nothing for."
"Well you do know that I want you to quit."
"I do. And I'm sorry that you'll go home dissatisfied."
"I really hope it doesn't come to that. I'd hate to have to kill you, but if that's the only way…"
She gave me an even broader smile, and in turning towards me, I saw she had a different, small pistol in her hands, pointed at me. "You made that threat last time. I became more prepared."
"Good to know, I guess."
She put it away down the silky blouse under her coat, which gave me pause. And then I continued.
"What I came here to ask isn't that you stop. I know you don't want to, and just demanding things you don't want, that's what Dragon's been doing, and I'm sure you're sick of it."
"You have been talking to him?" she asked. And then laughed. "Ha, as though he would talk to anyone."
"Yeah, about that. We'll come back to that." I cleared my throat. "What I want from you isn't for you to stop...it's for you to cooperate with us for a little bit for a…"
I paused and tried to put some of the lecture I'd just given Dragon into practice.
"There's a unique fighting opportunity," I pitched. "Something never before seen, and probably never again seen. It's a challenge so ludicrously superlative that I don't think your army would even survive."
This time when she turned to look at me, her hands had stopped. "I'm listening."
I took a deep breath. I kinda wished someone else was giving this speech, I sucked at building up suspense. "Justice. The flying guy with a ton of different Exhuman powers. He's like nothing the world has ever seen, and frankly, we're completely unequipped to deal with him. Do you get a lot of news out here?"
"If we want it. So no."
"As of a day ago, he's started a new campaign, to wipe out America and break humanity's back, thereby causing the collapse of civilization. He thinks that...doing so will lay the groundwork for something he calls 'pure'. Though what that means," I shook my head. "This is a guy who kills people for practicing law, so it's pretty obvious that his idea of purity is utterly fucked."
"America is going to fall?" she asked with some alarm.
"If we can't stop Justice, yeah. And then he'll probably move on to the rest of the world."
"Oh no," she said, eyes wide. "This is a catastrophe!"
"It is, right?" I agreed, excitedly. "Which is why we need your help--"
"I must accelerate my plans! If America collapses before I attack, I will never see what they are capable of. So many things to do, so much to plan...I've been having a hard time figuring out how to cross the ocean, I haven't made boats or planes yet, and my attempts have not lived up to my satisfaction. And the food situation...I must relay to the forces to procure more--"
"Hey," I snapped at her. "What the hell?"
"What?" She blinked at me with innocent brown eyes. "I apologize, did you have more to say?"
"No I...listen, did you not hear anything I just said?"
"Of course I did." She cocked her head. "I'm sorry, I thought I was responding appropriately? Maybe a little distracted by the sudden news but...what you said and what I said, they made sense together, didn't they?"
"That's not what I mean," I groaned, massaging my temples. For one moment there, I really thought we were on the same page. "Listen, if you just help us defend America, then it'll be there in the future for you to attack, yeah? Isn't that better?"
"But you just said Justice isn't going anywhere. Nobody can defeat him. We can challenge him at any time. But the other world countries, they are apparently fragile, soon to be lost to history. I don't see what's wrong with trying to study them before…" she looked around and finished with a lame shrug. "...before they're extinct."
"God, you are one callous bitch," I told her. "What the fuck was I even thinking that I could talk to you. You're a million times worse than Dragon."
My blood was boiling. Hearing her so logically explain why she should just let people die, why she should actively contribute to their deaths, while she stood there with her round glasses and white castle. This was what I'd worked so hard to protect last time we visited? This frosty bitch?
I turned to stomp off before I put a blade in her forehead but found something holding my sleeve. When I looked down, I saw her pinching it with a tight frown on her face.
"What's that supposed to mean?" she barked. "I'm only doing what makes sense."
"Yeah, I guess if your aim is to murder as many different varieties of people as possible. You're sick. I should have killed you last time we were here. I should just kill you now. Fuck's sake."
"What do you mean? Don't talk like that."
"Don't--" I sputtered. "Don't talk like that? We are so done talking. I had this whole...thing...with Dragon lined up for you. But you're just fucking sick in the head."
"Why are you being like this all the sudden?" she cried. "Why did you suddenly turn angry and violent? I thought we were having a conversation."
"Bitch, you don't know the first thing about conversations," I yelled at her. "Literally. The first thing you ask me is how Dragon's hurt me most effectively. Well he killed my friend, okay? Murdered her while I was helpless, right before my eyes. Made sure I was powerless and then he left me to die...or live. He didn't even give a shit, because that's how meaningless my life was to him once he learned I had no powers."
She was backing away from me now, her eyes widening as my voice echoed louder in the halls.
"Dead friends. Powerless. Forced to sit and watch. Fucking remind you of anything? Like maybe your insane plan to attack a crippled country, for your own selfish test results? And then you have the fucking nerve to sit there all doe-eyed and pleading, oh Athan, I'm so confused why you're mad that I'm ignoring your plea for help and instead plotting to kill everyone you love."
"Stop yelling," she ordered, her voice wavering. I saw the pistol in her hands again. "Athan, you're scaring me."
"Pull the fucking trigger," I ordered her, blades out, filling the room with strobing lights. "Give me the reason I need. I'm begging you."
But she didn't, of course. Because that's just how much of a bitch she was.
My breath felt heavy and hot as it seethed in my chest. I watched her with hate, as she stood there and cracked and cringed, tears building in her eyes. Dragon wasn't the only child here. Probably everyone. It was sick.
"I thought we...thought we were friends," she sniffled.
"Yeah, well. Things change when you threaten to kill everyone."
"I don't want to kill anyone," she argued. "I just want to test my art. I just want to show it to the world. I just want to be appreciated for who I am and what I can do."
I rolled my eyes with such intensity I worried I'd pulled something.
"Then maybe--"
"I know," she snapped. "Maybe don't kill people. You're like Liwei, just demanding what you want. Over and over. But you kill people in the pursuit of your calling. What makes yours so much more righteous than mine?"
"Because mine needs to happen to fix things!" I yelled at her.
"And so does mine! Do think think I can refine a gun without it firing? Do you think I can iterate on a bomb without seeing the damage it can do?"
I felt myself trembling and noticed my blades doing so in the air. "Then fucking SHOOT or BOMB shit without KILLING people. It's not that fucking complicated!"
"They're GUNS!" she screamed back, tears breaking. "They are MEANT to shoot people!"
"What the fuck does that even mean?"
"It means, you can't just pretend to use a gun and expect it to be the same. Do you pretend to save people and hope the world changes?"
"No! But you're not pretending when you pull the fucking trigger. The gun's shooting, you idiot bitch, just open your stupid brown look-holes and point them the direction the gun's facing!"
She went silent for a minute. "Idiot bitch?" she snipped.
And then, one slow step at a time, she advanced on me. Her face was red and tears were streaking down her cheeks, her jaw was clenched, and the strange pistol in her hands pointed directly at my chest.
Step by step, she drew closer. My blades twitched with every motion, but I didn't dare to put them in her path, because if I let them move, I was certain they'd cut her to pieces.
Which at this point, might have been a good thing. Fuck her. Except that, in all likelihood, I'd then find out what that pistol did first-hand. And with all the guns she owned to choose from, I bet that little one was the most insanely deadly of all.
And still she advanced. Closer, until I could see the strands of her brown hair, ragged and shiny from her sweat and work, clinging to her tear-streaked cheeks. Until I could see every multi-colored brown smear staining her lab coat. Until I could see the swollen pink in her eyes from crying. Could see the determined grit of her set jaw, the small pout of her lips, the fire in her eyes.
Until she was right in front of me, close enough that I had to look down at her now. The hand with the gun twitched, and my blades jumped at the motion. But then she turned it on herself, and for one insane moment, I thought, somehow, I'd driven her to pull the trigger and put an end to this.
In that moment, I realized, I panicked. I didn't want her to die, even after all this. I wanted her to live, wanted her to work on this fucking city so it wasn't a mindfucked shithole, and instead was the Oasis I thought it was when I first came here. Wanted her to be the woman I'd believed her to be, when I spent time with the dream of her.
I wanted my wish that I made in San Francisco to come true. For her to join us instead of being...being this. I wanted Exhumans to be more than Exhuman, more than the margin of society we'd been forced into. I was lucky and powerful and became something, and I realized, that was a path I wanted for her, desperately.
And so it was with my brain buzzing and a dry mouth that I saw her turn the barrel on herself. Inwards and downwards.
And then stuffed down her blouse again. And I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding.
"I thought," she said, her voice broken and pouting. "I thought we were friends. I don't know why we're yelling at each other. I don't know why we're threatening each other."
"You put your gun away," I commented. My throat hurt from screaming too loud. "I could kill you any time, you know."
"But you won't."
She took another step closer to me. And then another. Until she had my hands in hers, tears falling onto the backs of my palms, blades hovering all around her like she was magnetic.
I could have done it easily. I could have sent a surge up her arms and into her heart and stopped it instantly. Could have done any number of things.
"But I won't," I agreed, with a heavy sigh. "But you've got to listen to me, please. If it comes to it...even if I don't want to...I might have to. I don't want that. Please."
She sniffled and nodded.
"Okay," she said simply. "Okay I'm...I guess...I'm all ears."