It was already getting dark and I had little to show for my efforts. I was glad I’d found and saved AEGIS, I really was, but wasting two days out here without foraging a single thing might be a death sentence. I’d been trying to hunt all morning, after refilling my water containers in the river, but hadn’t found a thing.

I’d been heading mostly at random, and found that I’d ventured generally to the east. With the sun setting, and a day of failure looming, I decided to hit the mines again and salvage what I could. With any luck, today I would not be hallucinating weird voices.

[Oh ho ho ho! My champion returneth!] Saga’s voice proclaimed before I’d even spotted the mining camp.

“Oh great, here we go again,” I said.

[Indeed, another quest is afoot. Thy mission on this day is–]

“Look, lady, I’m just here to grab some stuff and go. I don’t have time for a quest, I’ve got no food and already wasted most of the day.”

[(Wow, cutting me off even? Rude.) Insolent human! You dare defy me?]

Again with the speaking…if speaking it was…with two different voices, like the same person speaking twice at the same time.

“Yes, I do dare defy you. Believe it or not, if I don’t find something to eat out here, I’m probably going to die. You see, eating is an important part of being human, whether you can comprehend that or not, and humans who don’t have anything to eat aren’t humans for long.”

[I know what eating is, stupid human.]

“Great, so you don’t have any problem with me stepping off and–“

[Thy arrogance is appalling. THY PUNISHMENT SHALL BE SWIFT AND BRUTAL.]

“Holy crap, stop yelling. Yeah, yeah, I’ll come back some other day when I’m not going to starve and play your dumb games, okay?”

[BARGAINING WILL HELP THEE NOT, THY FATE IS SEALED.]

I continued moving on and let myself into the kitchen of the ruined facility. Something seemed different than the last time I was here. Rubble shifted, or perhaps it was my imagination? I entered the ruined pantry and found it had definitely changed since last time.

Someone other than me had been here, and had cleaned the place out. Every single pile of debris had been pawed through and anything remotely edible had been looted.

“Uh, Saga?”

[What.]

“Did you take all the food here?”

[(Wait, it’s gone?) I mean. Yes! I did. This is the punishment of which I spoke. It is both swift and brutal. (That was convenient, I had no idea what else I would have done to him.)]

“You know I can hear you when you’re talking-thinking to yourself.”

[(He can?) You lie.]

“Yeah whatever. So where’s the food?”

[Why should I tell you, impertinent human? (The other two must have taken it.)]

“What other two?”

[(He can hear me think! Oh my god. Is he listening to me right now?)]

I decided to pretend I wasn’t listening and let her finish. Seemed the girl was having a bit of a crisis, and I was already pushing her bad side.

[Ahem,] she said, saying the word ‘ahem.’ I’m not sure she quite grasped the concept of onomatopoeia. Or maybe it just didn’t translate well over brain-talking. Or maybe, and this was seeming like a much more distinct possibility given her continued demonstrated ineptitude, she was just really bad at this. [I will tell you of the others if you complete for me a simple task.]

“Oh not this damn quest stuff again.”

[(He could at least hear me out, jeez) Yes, this quest stuff again. It is simple, and when you have completed your task, I will lead you to another cache of food to sate your pathetic human needs. Is that sufficient incentive?]

I didn’t know. It sounded like a tempting offer, but Saga, as far as I was concerned, if she was real and not just some batshit-insane delusion in my mind, was herself batshit-insane and delusional. While doing her ‘quest’ last time had proved fruitful, I was worried about getting involved in this web of madness.

But at the end of the day, I needed food, and she said she had some. Even if it kept me after dark, I don’t think I could say no to that. I had barely eaten all day, and tomorrow would be even worse. And besides, who were these ‘other two?’ If there truly was someone else here, I should know. Though, whether to avoid them and hold up my end of my exile, or say hi, I wasn’t sure.

[Seems you are decided then. Very well, head into–]

“Hey, I didn’t say anything about agreeing to your quest yet.”

[The Great Saga could tell you had considered her offer and decided to accept.]

“So you’re a mind-reader now?” I asked, sarcastically. When she didn’t reply immediately, the joke turned to panic.

“Wait, you’re seriously a mind-reader? That’s fucked,” I said.

[Last I heard, I was a spooky mental ghost. Or you were going crazy out here from exile.]

“I never said that. Not out loud. You are reading my mind. That is so not cool.”

[Maybe now you should know why it is best to do my quests!]

“Yeah, or maybe now I should get the hell out of here and never come back!”

[It’s your choice (jerk), stay if you want, or starve if you go. Really doesn’t matter to me.]

“Look, Saga, you’re crossing a line here. You keep the fuck out of my head or we’re going to have a problem.”

[You already have a problem, Athan Ashton. Loads of problems! You were exiled for…some reason, and there is someone…at The Bunker (what kind of name is that?), and…you need food because you can’t hunt worth a damn. And me! I am the worst of your problems.]

“This is fucked. I’m out of here.”

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

[Good luck dying out there, then.]

I took a deep breath. Having something crawling around inside my head was not something I liked, but stepping back and looking at the issue on the whole, it didn’t change my earlier decision. I still needed to eat, I was still curious who else had been here. But maybe this could work out for us. I formed half a thought and stopped before it went anywhere in case she was listening.

Listening to me think. Man, that was creepy.

“Saga,” I said. “I will do your quest on two conditions.”

[Oh ho!] she gloated. [Name thy conditions, and The Great Saga will decide.]

“One, drop the stupid thee’s and thou’s and referring to yourself in the third-person. I wouldn’t have such a problem with it, but you screw it up every time you get remotely flustered, and it’s both wildly inconsistent and irritating.”

[How dare thee–]

“Saga, seriously. See, right there, it should have been thou. You are awful at this.”

[Sigh. Fine. It was getting annoying to keep up on this end anyway. And? Second condition?]

“And stay out of my mind. I don’t want you probing around in there. My life and my thoughts and memories are inside my head for a reason. I don’t need you in there digging up my skeletons.”

[Pah, typical human arrogance, assuming your thoughts and lives are at all of interest to The Great Saga!]

“Saga. Seriously. Third-person. We talked about this like, three sentences ago.”

[Right. Fine, whatever. (Stupid jerk.) I’m only agreeing to this because I think your human thoughts and brains are boring, got it?]

“Whatever the reason is, do it.”

[Fine. Now thy quest! I mean, your…task. Go to the warehouse you looted last time and find a working lamp, you’ll need it.]

Half an hour later, I found myself deep in the mines. Probably not that deep, since I’d been walking painfully slow, trying to keep myself from clocking my head on rock outcroppings, but it had felt like I’d been following my little circle of light into the gloom forever.

“How much further?” I asked again.

[Not long,] she responded again, unhelpfully. She seemed happier now, almost a little sing-song to her responses. It made me nervous as hell, and part of the reason I was moving so slowly was making sure I wasn’t being led off a cliff or into a hole or anything.

[There, on the right.] I almost walked right past it. Recessed into the roughly-cut stone wall was a doorway, with a metal door sitting halfway open.

Calling the thing a metal door was a disservice, though. It was easily ten feet tall, and looked more like a vault than a door. The frame was a huge circle, and the door opened horizontally in the middle, the two semicircular halves meeting with dozens of interlocks and pistons and pins.

Fortunately, this door was open, enough of a crack for me to fit through, because I didn’t think there would have been any way I’d be able to unlock or punch through the intimidating hunk of metal. On the other side was a small room with a metal balcony and some very reinforced windows overlooking another small room, accessible by another of the huge vault doors. I couldn’t see much through the dirty windows in the dark, but I could make out glimpses of what looked like surgical equipment. Was this some kind of medical facility, way down in the depths of a mine? And if so, why the giant doors?

[Your task is to open that other door,] she said, sounding almost apologetic.

I laughed. “You want me…to open that?”

[Well…yeah…]

“How?”

[I don’t know. I’m not an electrical engineer, or a quantum core programmer.]

“And you know I’m not either. I might be a football player, but I don’t think I can power through that without being a…” I gave the huge metal slab another glance “a Greek God?”

[Try the windows, then.]

I found a suitable rock and clipped the light to my chest to give myself two hands. I slammed the rock full-force against the reinforced glass and, to my surprise, the rock cracked while the window remained untouched. Even if I’d chipped it, the glass looked like it was at least 3 inches thick, with multiple layers of wire mesh inside of it.

[No good, huh? Um, the stone next to the door, maybe?]

I doubted the creators of such a cell would have such a huge oversight but it was the last thing to try, except maybe tunnelling in. I found a suitable rock again and chipped away at a tiny chunk of the rock wall, having more success with rock vs. rock than against the window. Still, as I broke a small chunk away, it was apparent that behind the rock was more reinforced wall, same as the doors and windows frames.

“I don’t think I’m getting in there without opening the door,” I said.

[It should be open, just needs power.]

I had a small deulith cell in my lamp, but didn’t think that was going to cut it. Still, couldn’t hurt to try. “Uh, power where?”

[Metal service panel in the floor, at the far end of the windows.]

I walked the dozen or so feet along the windows wrapping around the medical room until at the end, I saw the service panel she spoke of. My trusty rock made short work of the halfway-open rusted metal grate, but inside…well, if I thought the mass-fab was in good shape, this stuff was immaculate.

“I see an emergency power hookup, but…well…this won’t work. Let’s try anyway.”

[(Please work…)]

I attached the leads to my cell, and waited. Nothing happened. I looked further inside the panel for any other hints, and found what may have once been instructions, now almost completely corroded away. There was what looked like a crank and a dozen cores in there.

The crank, despite being in excellent shape and seemingly devoid of rust, gave only the most reluctant of turns. I was able to spin it only a couple times before my arms gave out, and once I stopped, I heard an imposing metal slam. I went to check the doors, and found, thankfully, the first door was still open. If that closed, I was just done for, and maybe I should be a little more careful playing with the machines in here.

But more interestingly, there was a line in the dust in front of the second door. Almost like the door had opened briefly and shut again, and the force of it closing disrupted the dust. Maybe the crank had worked? But there was no way to hold it and get into the room at the same time, or even if there were, to escape the room again afterwards.

[Hmm. Yeah, I agree,] Saga said.

“What?”

[If you did manage to turn it and get in, you’d just be trapped, too.]

“Are you reading my thoughts, Saga?”

[No. Well, yes. It’s hard not to, when you’re practically shouting them in some continuous narrative.]

“Pretty sure I told you to knock it off.”

[It’s not the kind of thing I can just knock off, okay? I know this may be shocking to a human but the ways you do things aren’t intrinsically how the world operates.]

“Whatever. You read my mind, I told you not to, I’m outta here.”

[Hang on.]

“What now?” I asked. I was annoyed with her. I kind of expected the mind-reading…if I had that kind of ability, I’d probably use it every chance I got too. But dragging me in here to open an impossible door, without even an idea of how to get started? It was a waste of my day, when I might not have a lot of days left.

[Go back to the service panel.]

I mentally berated her as I went, hoping she was still listening.

[If you look down and right…further down, on the floor. No, further right. There.]

I swept the area with my lamp and then my light hit a strange shaggy shape. It was like a pile of…tiny flesh trumpets? A big ball of them, made of brown flesh, all twisted and pointed upwards. Definitely one of the most bizarre things I’d ever seen, but it just sat there, completely still and alien.

“What the heck is that thing. Is that you, Saga? Are you this thing?”

[Ew. Don’t be mean. That’s a mushroom…a really big one. It’s edible…but might not taste so great. Mice eat it sometimes, and they seem to do okay.]

“You watch mice eat mushrooms?”

[When you’re not around, I’ve got to read someone’s mind, right?]

She was definitely the weirdest thing I’d ever heard of, but she’d upheld her end of the bargain and I hadn’t. I pulled the entire fungus thing up at the root, and it was very nearly the size of my torso. As it moved, the trumpets wiggled unappealingly, but knowing it was just a bunch of mushrooms, it was…well, it was still pretty gross. But I could kinda see how each trumpet thing was mushroom-like?

I stuffed it in my bag and followed my footsteps back to the surface.

“Thanks for this, Saga. I’ll come by again sometime.”

[Please do. The mice are nice and all but they get boring.]

I stopped and hesitated. “Uh, Saga. Did you want me to eat some of this here?” I jiggled the bag holding the mushrooms.

[Um. (Gross!) Pass. Thanks for the offer.]

I was starving, so I ripped off a few of the spongy trumpets and stuffed them in my mouth as I left. They were…not great, but not terrible. Very dense yet pliable, kind of the consistency of gum that had already been chewed and was now simultaneously wet and hard. It had an overwhelmingly earthy flavor, very one-note. As I chewed, I felt Saga shudder and laughed to myself.

“Was that a good shudder or a bad shudder?” I asked.

[Not…bad. The texture is really something though. Thank you for trying it, I guess.]

“I’m guessing, whatever you are, it isn’t something that eats food?”

[Yep.]

“So you like reading my mind when I’m doing it?”

[Yeah, you got it.]

“Well, if I find anything really exciting out here, and that’s a pretty long shot, I’ll make sure to swing by so you can try it.”

[I would…appreciate that (not sure why he’s being so nice, but okay).]

“I guess I’m apologizing for snapping at you. I can’t really tell you to keep out of my head if that’s how you live.”

[Athan, (why am I telling a human this?) to be totally honest with you,] I got a sensation of a long, weary sigh [If I could not go into your head, I’d do it in a heartbeat.]