There are few things in the world so soul-crushing, so filled with despair that they would make any man want to curl up and crawl back into bed and refuse to face the world. The experience of looking forward to a thing and having it taken away at the last moment, to any who have felt this pain, I am so, so sorry. It is truly a gut-punch of misery, more painful than it has any right to be.

All of Sunday, all Sunday night, all through my classes on Monday, I looked forward to my tryout with the football team with ever-deepening gloom. Which sucked, because the whole week before, I'd just been looking forward to it.

But with broken ribs, there just wasn't any way, and I knew it. I couldn't run without winding myself, I could lift my arms above my shoulder without wincing...and I sure as hell couldn't survive getting sacked. I was done for, just ticking the hours away out of some twisted masochism, I guess. No other reason for me to still fixate on it.

Maybe I was hoping a magical wish fairy would pop out and heal me up for my good behavior these last weeks. I'd done nothing bad, really, right? Right?

Aside from throw Alyssa's heart in the garbage. Maybe the wish fairy had already dealt my karma's due.

As the hours ticked down on the last class of the day, I found myself more restless than ever. I wanted to just...go home, blow it off, hide under my pillow with frustrated tears, and by the time I checked when it was again, I'd have missed my tryout and the whole nightmare would be over.

Of course, what I wanted always took a backseat to what I felt I needed to do, and civilian life hadn't beaten that imperative out of me. I would go. I would give an explanation to the coach who'd given me this opportunity, if nothing else. I would talk to the team and thank them for their time, would let them know I'd be cheering for them in every game.

And then I would go hide under my pillow with frustrated tears.

I was barely paying attention when the professor looked up from his podum and announced, "That's all for today. See you all on Wednesday." But the activity of the others standing and packing brought me back to reality and inspired me to do the same. It took only a minute for me to throw my hardly-unpacked things in my bag and head out of the lecture hall, taking the steps two at a time and weaving between the others as I went.

Only a minute after class got out, and somewhat out of breath, brow damp from the heat of the day, Alyssa bounded towards me from across the concrete plaza outside with an embarrassed smile, her wavy hair holding up despite the sweat and heat.

"Athan! Hi!" she called to me.

"Alyssa, hey, uh, there," I said. It was kind of a stupid thing to say but it's all I had on hand at the moment. I'd never gotten the courage to respond to any of her litany of messages. She looked pretty normal considering how...intense...those had gotten.

"Hey. I left class a little early to catch ya. Yer tryout's in a minute, right?"

"Yeah. So I should get going I guess."

She smiled happily at me. "I'm sure ye'll get it. I just wanted to wish ya good luck."

I blinked at her. "That's it?"

She nodded enthusiastically. "Yep! Now don't be late. Get goin'! Knock 'em dead, or break a leg, or whatever you say for football."

I waved bye and headed towards the fields at as fast a pace I could manage. Just...confused, really. She hadn't apologized or asked me to forget what she wrote or made any excuses...just...went right on like nothing was wrong. Went out of her way to wish me luck, and didn't belabour the point or do anything to make it about herself.

Was...was that what normal friends were like? I just had this mental image of Tem attempting that on me, and saw no way it didn't end in lasers, invisible stalking, or her shut-down in a fetal position.

As I hoped, I got to the field a bit early but unfortunately there were just a few random players about. No coach yet, and my aim had been to talk to him and let him know my situation before I could really waste any of their time. They were probably still changing, and I was not about to barge into an unfamiliar locker room.

So I sat and waited beside the players stretching on the field until the appointed time, when it seemed they all came busting out in a singular gold-and-white pack.

I made a beeline for the only one in a baseball cap, whose clean shave made him look more mature than any of the attempts at facial hair by the players could ever manage.

"Athan, right?" he called out on seeing me.

"Yes sir. I need to tell you something sir, before we begin."

"If you're gonna tell me, you should tell everyone. Unless it's private?" he asked. I shook my head. "All right guys, shut up and listen up. This here's Athan, he's trying out for backup QB today, and he's got something to say. Say it, buddy."

Suddenly there were dozens of eyes on me, half of which were behind the metal grill of a football mask. I took a deep breath and remembered that hurt.

"Hey everyone. I'm sorry, but I'm not going to be trying out today. I had an accident this weekend and broke two of my ribs. I'm no good anymore, I'm sorry."

I expected these guys whom I'd never met, who had never heard of me before now not to care in the slightest. But instead, I was hit with an immediate outpouring of sympathy, as the entire team groaned on my behalf.

"Wow, sucks man."

"So sorry to hear that dude."

"Get better soon, alright?"

"Gonna try out again in the fall? I'll be looking for you."

They moved around me like water, hands patting me on the shoulders and back while I stood there like a totem pole.

"Alright, the man's injured, give him some space. Get stretching, we're starting with some warm-ups in a few," Coach said. The team gave an genuine HOOAH! that wouldn't have been out of place for the XPCA squads under Raven's Nest doing PT, and set off at once.

"Wow," I said, stunned as they left as quickly as they'd come to me.

"Yeah. Great team," Coach said. "Shame about your ribs. We've had a few injuries this season too, the guys are a little more sensitive about it than usual."

"So I saw. Um, are all football teams this...good? I mean, I haven't seen them play, but...wow. They just get moving, don't they?"

"All the teams under me are this good," Coach said, tugging on the brim of his hat. "I subscribe to the theory that if you want it, you work for it. Everyone here wants it. If they didn't, they wouldn't be here." He snorted. "Helps that this is the end of the school year. We get a lot of people dropping out in the first quarter, and that's not counting cuts."

"Yeah I guess. Hey, I'm really sorry about getting injured. I really wanted to play with you guys."

"I know," he said with a fatherly smile. "Not everyone looks me up and asks for a shot in person, you know? That takes a special kind of pluck. Haven't yet seen anyone willing to put in that much effort who isn't also willing to put in the effort to play hard and improve their game. So look us up for fall tryouts, will you?"

"Yeah, I will."

He gave me that fatherly smile again. "How'd you hurt yourself anyway?"

"Oh. Got in a...fight."

He looked me up and down and I felt very naked under his professional gaze. "Can't have been much of a fight. He sucker punch you and then go down? I don't see anything on your face or arms."

"Yeah, something like that. Just the one hit, but it was enough."

"Well, stay away from suckers before fall quarter, and I'll see you around then."

I nodded and he turned to go back to yelling at the guys when I stopped him. "Hey, uh...do you mind if I stay and watch practice?"

"Not at all," he said with a nod. "Have fun, Athan."

I sat down at the edge of the grass and watched as Coach pulled them in from across the field with nothing but a loud speaking voice. The more remote players jogged to return, and hardly moments were wasted between him calling them to order and them all beginning their practice for the day.

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If it weren't a bunch of dudes kicking up dirt and getting their white uniforms all grass-stained and sweaty, AEGIS probably would have loved it. Everyone was practiced and proficient, everyone knew their place and moved with efficiency, and as they moved to drills, everyone went in sequence with a throughput that would make some types of serial port blush.

Okay, maybe she wouldn't go that far, obsessing over signal flow was my thing, but the point stood.

Their quarterback was pretty good, I thought. He was helping with receiving drills where they'd run out, then turn back, then do a catch running laterally. A good drill, and similar to ones we'd done. Really emphasized the ability to do quick one-eighties and run and look in two directions at once, which were both vital for a receiver. The QB was throwing, and while he was just doing lazy throws, he was still chucking it twenty or thirty yards and never missing by more than a foot or two.

I mean, I could do that. If I'd passed tryouts, I probably would be. Save the QB's arm for the real games. Not that there would be more 'real' games than spring training for the next few months, but still. Teams were protective of their QB. He'd probably be wearing a no-contact jersey for those practice games.

After awhile, the receivers finished their drills and sat down not far from me while Coach focused his attention elsewhere. The talked and joked around, and it honestly made me nostalgic like I couldn't believe. It was like the whole team was a crazy, sports-playing family.

Of course, they weren't, and it didn't take that long for the illusion to break. Two of the receivers were arguing about something inconsequential and it put the others off. But somehow breaking the illusion just made it all the more real. That could be Brick and me arguing about something inane in another world. We'd had our fair share of disagreements, nothing was ever perfect, and that's what was so perfect about it.

It might have been kind of bittersweet if I weren't so crummy feeling about not making the team this year already. Instead, it felt like a reminder that no matter how hard I tried, no matter how hard I studied, or worked, I wasn't and couldn't be like these people. Once an Exhuman, always an Exhuman, no matter what happened or would happen, I couldn't escape that.

It felt depressing and unfair. Everything about me could change and still this same shit. Like, yeah, I'm sure I was just wallowing in my misery a bit, but even if that were it, it still sucked, and what the hell else was I going to do but wallow in melodrama for a while? Not like I was going to head home before I had to.

I sat and watched the players running and throwing the ball around, my mood sinking every minute. I found my thoughts judgemental and needlessly critical. I had better form than that guy. I would have made that catch. That guy wasn't giving a hundred percent, I was sitting out here on my useless, busted ass, and was phoning in his drills. It was just crap, man.

I was ready to just go and probably get in another yelling match with AEGIS at home over sitting here...not certain which was worse for my mood...when someone climbed down from the bleachers and sat down heavily next to me.

I turned and looked and saw a small, embarrassed-looking frown under a pair of red eyes.

"Alyssa?" I asked, for my own benefit as much as to ask. I hadn't expected to be joined, least of all by her. She'd already said bye to me earlier, she should be home by now.

"Didn't make the cut, huh?" she asked, forlorn.

"Yeah...well...don't know if I would have. I didn't do it."

"What?" Her face hardened. "Why not? Ya should!"

I gave her my best, demure, pathetic grin. "Sorry...sorta neglected to mention, but I broke a couple ribs this weekend. I wouldn't be able to play for a few months."

"Oh no! How?"

"It...doesn't really matter. I got hurt doing something stupid and can't play, that's really it."

She looked at me seriously for a minute and then sighed heavily. "I guess. I'm sorry."

"Nah, it's nothing," I said, wondering just where that came from. But she frowned deeper and shook her head.

"Not that," she said.

"Then for what? You didn't do anything," I laughed, and then stopped because that hurt.

"For...I don't know. For thinking for a second there that ya chickened out, I guess. I should've known it was somethin' out of yer hands. Yer not that kinda guy, yer the kind to go show up to interview an upperclassman if ya got a question. No fear."

"Um. I don't really think of things that easy as being fearless."

She shook her head again but was smiling this time. "It's hard as rock for a lot of people, most people even, maybe. The fact you don't see it that way just shows how fearless ya really are. Yer just crazy like that, and for a sec there, I thought ya weren't, I'm sorry."

I laughed again, having learned apparently nothing from last time I attempted that. "You don't have to apologize about not thinking I'm crazy. I am a big fan of sane, actually. I think my life has got too much crazy in it for my own tastes already.”

"Well…" she said, rising to her feet, and then turning to pull me to mine, having a bit of a time of it with her smaller stature, but her grip was warm and sure. "If ye'd like to do something sane...I've an idea." She looked at me seriously, with a hint of flush on her cheeks.

"Um...sure?" I said. "What does this entail?"

"Just...be right back, okay? Lemmie...lemmie be brave here like you, and go talk to the Coach for a sec."

I stood there, feeling a little lost and abandoned as she jogged away towards the practicing players. I watched as she reached the coach and started to talk to him in quiet words I couldn't make out. Her trepidation was written all over her body language, but she wasn't stuttering or anything absurd. Just nervous. Just a normal person with a few anxieties, I reminded myself. Not a Tem or anything.

My mobile rang, and I looked down to see it was from Cosette. Her personal device. That was strange. She wasn't even supposed to have my number. As much a violation of our agreement as it was, I picked up.

"Chariot...hey. Thanks for taking the call."

"How'd you even get this number?"

"Honestly, I borrowed Tower's mobile and copied it down without telling him. I'd appreciate you not tell him how bad his boss is."

"I'm sure he's already aware," I said, pointing at my mobile as Alyssa walked up with a large grin and her hands behind her back. She nodded and rocked back onto her heels to wait. "What do you want, Cosette?"

"I wouldn't call you unless it were an emergency...and not an XPCA kind, or I'd just drag you in. So there's no event--"

"Not yet. But there is one coming up, raiding a technopath lair, right?"

"...how do you always know everything you're not supposed to?"

"Borrowed Tower's mobile and copied it down," I grinned at my device. She sighed.

"But no, I'm not calling about that, I'm wondering if you've seen Moon recently."

"Why would she visit me?" I asked, just probing a little.

"Tower's pretty much the expert on the girl, the only one who can get her to talk and then understand what she says anyway, so that's close enough of an expert for me. And he says she's been pissed at you for months now. So she suddenly goes missing without telling anyone, goes off the grid, and then we hear from her long-estranged father to please return her to him, and we get to start asking ourselves, if I were a somewhat deranged little Exhuman, what would I do? And I can't speak for everyone, but personally, fifty percent of the time my answer to that question is 'kick Athan's ass'. I assume she thinks similarly."

"I don't think Moon thinks similarly to anyone," I said. "But in this case, you're not wrong. She came by a couple days ago to demand the full story out of me."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I told her no, repeatedly, then AEGIS threw her out of the house, we learned she had been summoned back to Japan by her father, and that's the last we saw of her."

"A couple days ago? Hmm," she mused. "That doesn't check out. We heard from Ichiro-San as recently as this morning about her. She should be there by now, unless she chose to swim."

I looked at Alyssa still standing there waiting. "Well, that's what I know. Good luck, Cosette."

"Yeah, I'll bug you if I need anything else."

"You do know that's a violation of your own contract with me, right?"

She scoffed. "You do know Exhumans aren't technically a legal entity, and any contract you sign isn't legally binding, right?"

I shook my head. "Yeah, well, talk to you soon then, bye."

"Stay alive, Chariot. We need you."

I hung up on her. As much as Cosette was a voice of filtered reason, she was also a reminder of how the world actually worked. A depressing point constantly being hammered home today, about just how fake this life was, and just how disempowered I really was.

"All ready?" Alyssa asked, and I put away my mobile as fast as I could. "Yeash. Yeah, yes. Sorry. Sorry to keep you waiting. And for saying 'yeash'."

From behind her back, with a little hummed 'ta-dah', she pulled a football, and I had only a moment where she dropped into a reasonably crude facsimile of a throwing stance before she chucked it at me.

Purely out of instinct, I launched myself sideways, rolling off my shoulder and landing on my feet, before dropping back to a knee to hold my side which now screamed at me like a bitch. An insistent, crushing pain, which promised it would not soon abate.

"Um…?" she asked.

"Sorry…" I panted, holding up a hand to ask for a second. Fuck that hurt. I hoped I didn't unsettle anything and have to go back to the hospital. But as the moments drew longer, the pain began to yield and I felt stupidity and embarrassment creep in its place.

"Are...you okay? I'm sorry. I just thought...even if you couldn't play…"

"No, it's fine," I said, forcing myself to stand and wiping the sweat beading on my brow. "Just...surprised me, is all. Kinda react on instinct, even if it's silly."

"Oh, right. You take those sparring classes. I'm sorry."

"Yeah." I bent and picked up the ball, my fingers moving on their own to line up across the seams properly. Felt good. Felt right. I took a few paces back and then threw it to her, direct, but gentle. It landed in her cradled arms and she hugged it for a catch.

"Gonna throw it back now," she said, nodding seriously. I had to appreciate she didn't make the same mistake twice, and I nodded back.

I had to wonder about Moon. If she wasn't in Japan, then I had no idea where she was, and it sounded like Cosette was in the same boat. Without her mobile, and presumably without any of the geo-tracked XPCA apparel, there wasn't much way to find out either. It was a very unexpected piece of news which at once made me feel like shit for letting AEGIS shoo her off and not doing more, but also vindicated in my sense that something was wrong when she'd disappeared.

But right now, it just felt like an intrusion. In a vacuum, I was out here playing catch on a beautiful grass field on a warm spring day. The sky was blue, the trees were full of birdsong, and a couple dozen sweaty guys were playing God's greatest game just half a field away. And yet, my thoughts weren't here, they were carried off by obligation I wasn't sure I owed, to friends I wasn't sure were mine.

The ball sailed through the air, tumbling slightly, but good enough. I wondered if Alyssa played with her brothers growing up or something. It was on-target, and I caught it in my arms easily, turning in one motion to throw back.

Whatever happened, or did happen, or would happen, the universe seemed to conspire to remind me. Once an Exhuman, always an Exhuman, no matter what happened or would happen, I couldn't escape that.