I couldn't be as miserable as I should have been, and for that I hated myself. Karu was asleep in the hammock above me, or at least pretending to be, while I lay on the floor in a pile of clothes and shame. I saw no way this was a good decision for either of us, it crossed almost every line I could think of, and I was as worried about my future relationship with Karu as I was with her future in general. To say nothing of having no protection.

Yet I lay grinning at the ceiling, hating myself. I wiped the grin off my face when I found it there, but stealthily it re-emerged. She had been ravenous, dominant, and took from me exactly what she wanted, and in turn I experienced bliss as I did not know could exist in this shithole world. Everything about me felt so relaxed and fulfilled and the fact it had been Karu...well, a different Karu than usual, but she was truly an amazing person.

I had to do something. I couldn't abide this juxtaposition inside myself of how happy and miserable I was all at once. Silently, I dressed, and then, hesitating, gave Karu's sleeping form a gentle kiss, and stole into the night.

I had no idea what I was doing or where I was going, I just needed to be somewhere other than alone with my thoughts. The idea crossed my mind that AEGIS or Lia might be wondering where I was, but I wasn't sure I could face them at the moment. They would endure for the night, Karu and I were both certainly far more in need of help than they.

Lia would probably react simply as she'd often insinuated she would. Ask me if I was okay with it, and then be either ecstatic or miserable with me depending on my answer, but ply me with endless questions either way. Or maybe very few questions, I'm not sure how many details she wanted about this particular incident.

AEGIS though...thinking about her made my stomach flip. I'd just rejected her, essentially, and in the process, she had even said that if I were thinking of Saga or Karu, she would be sad. And then, out of nowhere, this happened. How else could she possibly react but to be enraged, dejected, confounded, all at once? The rejection was one thing, but for me to turn around and do this.

...what an incredible piece of shit. My walk was barely a minute in and already successful. Happy feelings now entirely dead, gone, and buried, I could now focus entirely on what a feculent piece of human garbage I was.

I couldn't even pity myself. Two beautiful women loved me, and I'd handled it in the worst way imaginable. Nobody had wronged anyone, but me.

I found my feet turning the other way, taking me to the someone I knew who would be awake at this hour, the one person who might help me make sense of anything, who might be able to help me absolve myself of any of the crimes I had committed.

I was going to stop and have a think just outside her range, but it was on me before I was ready, and I felt the familiar-but-alien sensation of something crawling over my mind. Her range had grown a lot now that she was on the surface.

[Bow chicka-wow-wow,] she said by means of greeting.

"Shut up," I said, still walking towards her.

[You're pleasant. Come all the way out here to say that, huh?]

"No, and you know that, but that doesn't mean you have to antagonize me."

[Consider my harassment the cost of my advice, then.]

"Saga, I'm really at my wit's end here. I fucked up bad."

[Guess I can't depend on your normal banter, then. Shame, easily my favorite part about you. Although it looks like you've got some moves in the bedroom, too.]

"Saga, damnit."

[I wasn't kidding about the price, buddy. Deal with it or get out.]

"I'll deal with it."

[Smart kid. So in the interest of pretending to keep this like a normal conversation, what do you want?]

"I don't know. I want advice. I fucked up."

[Bzzt. Wrong answer. What you want is to not feel so bad. You want me to tell you that you somehow didn't fuck up, or that there were good reason for your actions, and you can feel better about yourself.]

"No!"

[Kid, you can lie to yourself, but you can't lie to me.]

"That just makes me even more of a terrible person," I lamented.

[Does it though? Don't you think that's a perfectly normal thing for a person to do?]

"How does normal make something not-terrible?"

[Terrible is whatever we as a society decide it is. Hundreds of years ago, people kept other people as slaves and didn't feel bad about it at all, because that was just how things were. So obviously wrong by our standards, but defined as normal and therefore not-terrible at the time.]

"So now I'm right down there with human traffickers?"

[Okay, instead of slavery, we can pick an example like walking around with exposed calves if it makes you feel any better.]

"I don't get the point. Are you trying to say what I did wasn't terrible?"

[Oh no. You fucked up big time. But coming here and wanting to feel better about yourself, that's totally fine.]

"Why do you waste your time telling me these things when I am still in anguish about what I came here to talk to you about?"

[Half because it's fun, half because you have a very narrow grasp of the big picture and you need to see that.]

"What big picture?"

[You fucked up, it's true. But that doesn't mean it's the end of the world. There's a lot of stuff out there other than what you just did, and a lot of it is really important, too. Like, yeah, you banged Karu, and that's gonna make some waves between the two of you. But you know what else will do that?]

I arrived at the tree where Saga was still laying, alone in the dark, almost exactly where I'd seen her days before. She raised a lanky arm at me in greeting.

"Bullets," she said.

"Bullets?"

[Yep. The XPCA is coming, I'm sure of it. Might take a bit because, despite being a rapid-response unit with a specialty in crisis management...and I could tell you stories about what a farce that is, but will spare your poor currently-suffering feelings...an op like this one will be meticulously planned and executed. And not by their grunts either, but by elite kill-squads. You think a little hanky-panky is a problem? Try a whole goddamn army wanting to fuck you.]

My mind felt like a skipping record. Before, I'd be so angry and so sure, fuck the XPCA and all that, but Karu and Saga both had mentioned the XPCA were a legitimate threat and would be coming. They were probably right too.

"One thing at a time. What do I do about Karu?"

[Nothing. I'm pretty sure she's fine. From what I know of her from you, she's strong. Things will probably be awkward between the two of you for a while which won't help, but she'll make it through her issues as long as she's alive. Being a hunter is her coping mechanism, so if she tries to do anything really stupid and suicidal...well...let her, but protect her.]

[Or don't, I really don't care if she dies,] Saga added, just to remind me she was a horrible person. Why was I coming to her, specifically for advice again?

"And AEGIS?"

[Can I make a few sex doll jokes first?]

"Just pretend you did and move on."

[Sheesh, you are such a buzzkill tonight. Say, would you like a quick bang? Might help you de-stress?]

"Saga. Seriously."

[Who says I'm not serious? I'm a 113 year-old virgin. I'm both impressed and really, really mortified you managed to punch it in before I did.]

"SAGA."

[Don't have to yell. I'm right here.]

"Apparently I do?"

The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

[Apparently you forgot about my payment plan already. Although I'm serious about the banging. Standing offer. Or any other position, really.]

"Can we move on?"

[Sure. So the robot. Yeah, here's where you really fucked up. She's going to feel betrayed and ten kinds of torn up about what you did.]

"So what can I do? Should I tell her it's just because it was a robot body or something?"

[Is that how you feel?]

"No, not really."

[Then don't say that.]

"Well what am I supposed to say?"

[That depends on the question. Are you hypothetically talking to her about Karu, or about turning her down?]

"Both?"

[One at a time, hotshot.]

"Okay. Turning her down first then."

[So why'd you turn her down?]

"I don't know. At the end, I was going to go back, even, if Karu didn't show up. I think she just startled me and I got scared and ran."

[So why can't you say that?]

"Because Karu startled me, and I…"

[Dicked her plenty?]

"Did her, even though I didn't do AEGIS."

[Well you dodged a bullet there, because doing both of them would be a one-way ticket to pain city, I can tell you that. Do NOT enter an open relationship without a written permission slip from your current lover. I've seen enough relationships fail to tell you statistically, that one never pays.]

"Where do you get this from?"

[What, you came here asking for my advice and don't even know my sources? Aren't you a bold one.]

"Saga…"

[People's heads, dummy. Hundreds of them, and relationships and sex was about half of what people spent their damn days thinking about. Once you get a bigger picture and can see the thoughts of all the parties involved, this shit actually becomes really simple. Tell the fucking truth, don't try to be a hero, dump someone if you have to but keep your fucking shit in your pants if you're in a relationship.]

"Am...are Karu and I...in a relationship?"

[No. Not from what I see. You were just riding the wake of the S.S. Misery. Karu just wanted to bang some of her feelings out and you did a great job.]

"Oh," I said, not sure if I was happy or disappointed.

[On the plus side, since you're fucking thinking it so loud, if you wanted an in, this is about as good as you could ask for. Door's open, so you can keep banging, and she can only ride the pony so long before she starts to develop feelings for it.]

"Why am I a pony?"

[It's poetry. I am misunderstood in my own time.]

"So, I should tell AEGIS the truth."

[You caught onto that surprisingly quickly, but I'm going to throw a caveat in here. The truth doesn't mean everything. You don't have to tell her that you guys did the dirty twice, or every aching moment of her hips against yours. Stick to the details that concern her, namely, you don't know if you love her or Karu, and you're a stupid hormonal dumbass who's easily overwhelmed by titties. Hmm, actually, if you say that, she'll make her machine's jugs even bigger.]

"I am...not sure if you're being helpful or not."

[Well, that's the other problem with being misunderstood in my own time. But I am being serious, hopefully you're smart enough to know when I'm doing that at least.]

"Yeah, I guess."

[Remember that AEGIS has a lot of respect for you. She might not remember that herself at first, but it's there. Your one and only job is to not completely demolish her respect for you, and eventually she'll come around again. She might need some alone time to realize it, and her coping mechanism is getting lost in her work. Do not fucking ever bring your problems to her when she's busy working.]

"You're a really good friend."

[I'm actually a really good everything, but thanks.]

I never even asked your feelings. You're kind of a victim in this too.

[I'm a victim of anytime someone can't get their own shit together and is near me. At least you--unlike all the XPCA dumbasses I was stuck with--listen. So with any luck, your problems will get smaller over time, though tonight would certainly buck that trend.]

"You're dodging the question."

[Hey, smart. I am.]

"So?"

[Well, for one thing, people typically dodge questions because they don't want to answer them. But to answer it anyway, because fuck you, Saga, it sucks. Despite all my bitching and giving you shit, you are my friend, Athan, and I would totally jump that bonercycle and ride into the sunset in a heartbeat. It sucks seeing and even feeling all the distress you're in, and it sucks having to give you advice to get into the good graces, and I'm sure ultimately again the pants of my rivals-in-love. And it sucks feeling like I'm just the janitor and tech support around here, when we already have a robot bitch to do that for us.]

[But,] she added, [you are still my friend, and I still owe you big time. For the record, I wasn't going to say any of this because it's all just drops in the ocean compared to what you went through for me, and you dragged it out of me. So there you have it. See, I follow my own advice, honesty, right?]

"Honesty, right," I said. "I'm sorry, Saga."

[Eh, it's fine. I know I'm just a lanky pale alien, I can't compare to Karu's fighting fit frontside, or the pleasure-bot 5000.]

"No, you're not. I think you're beautiful, too."

[I know. I'm in your head, remember? But this is no bueno, muchacho. You're already juggling two balls without knowing how to juggle. Don't add a third unless you think you can handle it. And I happen to know, you can't.]

"Right. Well, then try not to build a relationship on it or jump me or anything but...you know what I think." I said, feeling very my face go very red.

[Hehe, I know. Why do you think I keep dropping hints and telling you things about me? If I can't have you, I'll just have your fantasies instead. Yep, I'm a sick one. Speaking of…]

She gestured for me to come over. I did not like where this was going, but followed obediently.

"Hold my hand," she said. Okay. No harm in that I guess--

It felt electric, I felt a tingle go right up and down my spine and I saw her shudder too.

"W-wh-wha--" I stuttered.

[So, I can let you hear my thoughts, but you can also feel my feelings if I want to share them...or lose control. Gives this sort of feedback loop. You feel your own hand, but also mine, but also me feeling yours, and me feeling you feel mine, and so on. Feels good, right?]

"Y-ye-yeah."

"Now imagine that on Athan Jr. and the kitty," she whispered with a smile, and released my hand, brushing her fingertips against my palm as she went, making both of us jolt again.

"This is really not what I need right now." I said, panting slightly.

[I know. This is just what I want, I'm a selfish person, I know.]

"I have to get back and talk to AEGIS now," I said turning to go. "Thanks for everything...mostly everything."

[Aren't you forgetting something?]

"What?" I turned back around.

[The XCPA. They're coming, remember?]

"Shit. I completely forgot."

[Yeah, not a good strategy to get so wrapped up in girls that you forget someone's going to kill you. That's why I did the hand thing.]

"Really? Teasing me to remind me how easily I can get distracted from my actual issues?"

[Nah, just messing with you. I was telling the truth when I said I just liked putting more donations in your spank bank starring me so I could relive it later.]

"You are the absolute worst. I am totally going to fantasize about...I don't know...you being fat or something."

[Do it if you want, but it's not my fault if it turns into a fetish.]

"Anyway, the XPCA. The whole XPCA, and their elite forces to boot. Do we run?"

[They'll find you. It's not a very big Earth to them.]

"So we fight?"

[They'll kill you, too.]

"Then what?"

[That depends on how much you love your friends.]

"What do you mean?"

[I'm going to be evasive again, and the reason is, if I tell you, it will influence your decision and I don't think that's right. So, sorry kid, you'll have to deal with it when it gets here.]

"That's no fair. Tell me, please."

[Nope.]

"Please! All our lives could be at stake. If you know something, please tell me."

[No means no. I think that's the second time I've told you that line. That should make you reconsider your lifestyle choices.]

"Saga, I'm being serious here."

[And so am I. I'm not talking and that's final. This time you don't have a room to stomp through or a heart attack to fight off, there is just no. You are not budging me.]

"There's nothing I can say or do to convince you?"

[Correct.]

"I will do literally anything, Saga. Help me save my friends."

[I told you I can't. You'll get there when you get there and not a moment before. I hope you choose right.]

"I guess...I guess I do too. If that's the way you see it, I have no choice but to believe you."

[Good boy.]

"So...if the XPCA do come and attack...would you fight with us?"

[This is going to surprise you, but no.]

"Really?"

[Yep. See, I'm turning over this new leaf where I try to resolve problems without murdering every human in my way.]

"On one hand, I am really proud and happy, but on the other, sorta feel like we're going to die."

[I mean, you probably will, and that sucks, but that's your own fate. I can't die, so I'm not too concerned about it.]

"Are you possibly just lazy?"

[I'll have you know I walked around this tree today to follow the shade. I can move when I want to.]

"You really won't fight then?"

[I really won't. If you want the best resolution, I can't fight your battles for you anyway, because by your definition, everyone being dead but us isn't the best resolution, and that's what I bring to the table. And again, here I'm using the word 'dead' but I am broadly expanding that definition to anything you would probably consider worse than dead.]

"So what's your plan?"

[Dunno. And that's actually pretty exciting for me. I'm going to play it by ear.]

"Very reassuring. Okay, now that I know a little bit more, but still basically nothing, now can I go talk to AEGIS?" Saga just gave me a thumbs-up.

I jogged back, going over everything we'd covered in my mind again and again.

[Also, keep it short,] Saga warned. [And keep your ego out of it. She will attack you, but remember that you fucked up, and however bad her words hurt you, your actions hurt her a lot more.]

"Thanks, Saga. I really owe you."

[Bring me some of those nutrient pastes and we'll call it even,] she said. [Best of luck killer--]

And then she was gone, left behind me as I jogged on into the night.