Lia just about broke down my door with AEGIS shortly behind her. To my surprise, Saga crept in behind the two of them with a wink and a grin. Delight was written across all three of their faces, to such a degree that it actually worried me a little. All three of them loomed over the bed I was seated on, looking down at me.

"Lookie, lookie, look!" Lia bubbled, bouncing towards me with her holo extended.

"I can't read it with all the bouncing."

"Then take it. I'm not stopping bouncing."

I did take her holo, and what I saw there didn't seem nearly exciting enough to warrant all these beaming faces. A very serious, very dry report by the FBI it looked like. Skipping the preamble, some package had exited some zone upon some model of some VTOL, stolen from some location, heading in some direction at some time. The writing was incomprehensibly dense, and it seemed like the author had confused the concept of references and concrete nouns when putting the report together.

"I have no idea what this means," I informed her, giving it back.

"Swipe! Swipe!" she said.

I did, and oh joy, more documents and attachments. Fan-frickin'-glorious. I kept flipping through until I hit the images attached, seeing first a shot of a small VTOL flying from an barely-larger airfield, then more environmental shots.

And then finally, a picture that I understood. A Sino with one arm, boarding the VTOL over a pair of bodies.

I flipped back to the first page as fast as my thumb could slide and my eyes flashed over it until I found the passage I knew was there.

"What's zone six?" I asked.

"Asia," AEGIS replied with a grin. "China, presumably."

I slumped back into my my bed. I thought, by their reactions, they were expecting me to be relieved. I wasn't.

"So Dragon fled back to China. So what?" I asked them, suddenly irritated at their smiles. "He'll be back, won't he? He's still coming after me, after this." I gestured towards the sphere on the nightstand.

"So he's not doing it now," Lia said. "You aren't gonna die today, bro. That's something to celebrate."

"He's an assassin, guys. All this means is next time he comes, we'll have no idea when or where. If anything, this is bad news. We lost him, and with the element of surprise on his side, we're all dead."

I kicked the post of my bed with my heel in useless frustration. "Even without the element of surprise we're all dead."

The others were looking at each other now like I pooped on their dog, little smiles nowhere to be seen. I felt bad...but not that bad. All I wanted was for them to take this seriously. Dragon wasn't something we could contend with.

They drifted there like bubbles for a few more moments, floating down to earth to pop, and after they did, Lia and AEGIS shambled out.

"It's still good news, dummy," Lia said. "We might catch him on his way back in."

"We might not," I said, and she left.

Left Saga and me alone, her leaning against the doorframe, hardly wide enough to slow the others on their way out.

"You're a right ray of hope," She said. "You need to cut that shit out, because you're driving me nuts."

"Knock what out?" I asked, pulling up my holo again.

"Obsessing over Dragon. It's messed up."

I snorted at her. "Karu's messed up. The Defiant are messed up. I'm trying my best not to get messed up."

"No, you're spinning your wheels uselessly, watching the same self-flagellating footage over and over a thousand times."

"I'm looking for weaknesses. Mine and his. I'm figuring things out, so that next time might go differently."

"So honest. Such pure intentions," she said, flopping herself on my bed "Now I wonder why'd you just tell the others we're all dead?" I looked down at the narrow eyes and cocky smile next to my thigh and sighed. "Don't waste time with the lies, Athan."

"Saga, please piss off. This isn't like the last times I've been hurt."

"Because this time you felt completely useless?"

My arm had slammed into the mattress before I could stop it. "Utterly useless. Entirely useless. I might as well have never even been there, for all the difference it made to Dragon."

"Aww, poor baby," she said reaching up awkwardly sideways and molesting my ear more than my hair. "But knock it off." The caresses turned into a bony fist which bonked my temple.

"You knock it off," I said, standing and turning to fume at her. "Or do you not understand that there's a killer out there with my name on his list?"

She threaded her fingers behind her head, vanishing into a curtain of black hair. "I wish I could make you talk to Athan from a few weeks ago, who was so confident. So sure he was going to go out and save the world. That guy irritated me too, for pretty much the opposite reason."

"I'm sorry if my life irritates you. If it makes you feel any better, someone will be along sooner or later to fix that for you."

"Easy there, honey-bunny. No need to bite my head off."

"Then stop telling me to just knock it off. You sound just like the others, nobody really seems to grasp the danger here. Everyone's just running around, playing house, when we've got crosshairs pointed at us. You're in my mind. You know the threat." I snapped my eyes up to look at hers. "Am I crazy for thinking so?"

She turned towards the ceiling and frowned slightly. "Athan, it's not that what you're doing is wrong, it's that you're doing a shitty job of it. Why do you think all the girls came in here the second they had a glimmer of good news? They're worried about you. They're worried about you, and you treat them like shit when they're trying to help. You're an emotional little boy, and nobody wants to deprive Dragon of his fun by having you break before he gets here."

"And you? Are you here because you're worried too?" I asked.

She giggled delicately and put on a tone of mock-seriousness. "Normally I wouldn't care if you died horribly, but you did warm up this spot on the bed for me." She buried her face sideways into my sheets for a moment before one dark eye peeked out at me from under them. "So I guess I worry a little."

"Great," I said, sitting down again. "Great. Everyone thinks I'm broken again. I'm not lying here moping, not injured, and still. Fucking this."

"Hey, it's not that bad," she said, the bed groaning as she sat upright and rested her bony shoulder against mine. "Well. It kinda is. But what I mean is, look at you. You're actually sitting here reflecting on it, instead of just diving headfirst into whatever psychological trauma you're inflicting on yourself. See what this means, Athan? You're getting better at coping."

"Yay. I'm well-practiced in mental trauma." I shifted away to dump her off of me but instead her head just wound up with my lap as a pillow, and I'd run out of bed to retreat into. "Look Saga, regardless of my mental well-being or lack thereof, Dragon's still a thing."

"I know."

"And I can't beat him. Even if he doesn't have powers, he's just...better than me. Faster, smarter, stronger, more practiced, better equipped. He beat AEGIS like she was nothing, and she's physically more capable than I can ever be."

"Yeah, I know that too."

"So...what do I do? All I know how to do, I'm doing it. I'm here...reviewing the tapes...trying to figure out what I did wrong. But somewhere along the way, it's become trying to find out what I did right. And even then, I still don't know."

Her head left my lap, and despite the cold of her body, the absence still left a chilly void. She stood, walked around the bed a little to be right in front of me, and then put her face right in front of mine, hands on my shoulders, almond eyes smoldering with intensity.

"I don't know," she said. "But I do know where you should start."

"And where's that?"

She stood over me, quiet for a moment, and then began speaking with a clear, quiet voice.

"A while back, I was also at the end of my rope, Athan. I was holding out against something bigger than me, something I couldn't begin to touch. I was powerless, and useless, and the fact I thought I was such hot shit just made the way down look even more painful. I was right there with you, Athan, standing at this edge with something impossible in front of me."

Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

The intensity of her stare reminded me of Karu's, and that thought just gave my gut another new twist.

"And I fell in, Athan. I drowned in that despair and I did...horrible things, even by my standards, because I was afraid, because I was hurting. Because I knew that no matter what I did to save myself, it would all be useless."

"Saga, you weren't--"

Her hands squeezed my shoulders tighter. "Don't. Give. Up. There's always a way. And if there isn't, fucking make one."

"Did you make one?"

"No, but that's not my point. Don't give up anyway."

"Isn't that awfully optimistic of you?" I laughed darkly.

"I'm being serious for once in my life, you fuck."

"Sorry."

"Lucky for you, this happens to illustrate my point. Look at me. What do you see?"

As directed, and with a little difficulty for how close her face was, I looked her up and down. White ankle socks stained with mud, tan capri shorts, and a blue knit sweater that hung off of her. Her hair was long and dark and silky as ever. Dark, almond-shaped eyes that reminded me of Dragon, no matter how much I wished they didn't.

"...I see...a Sino girl? A code-X? What am I supposed to say, my future wife?"

Her eyes narrowed. "Again, you're unwittingly demonstrating my point because I'm going to let even that morsel pass by. The right answer was me, being serious. I've been a lot of things in my life, Athan. Tortured was a bunch of them, but never serious. And now look at me, totally serious. Look what despair did to me. Look what it can do to you."

I looked and saw again. Saw her slow, even breathing, her delicate nose flaring slightly with each breath. I saw her hands, spindly and broad, her knuckles white from holding my shoulders, her fingers narrower between the joints, like tiny suspension bridges connecting her hands to me. I saw her clothes, as I had before, but not as I had seen before. The strands of her sweater were mingling black and blue, spun together into a deep navy, a warm parody of the cold prison jumpsuit which had clung to her body for so long.

And most of all, I saw her mind, open to me in a way it had never been. I realized my scrutiny just now was hers, her mind through my eyes, searching herself for signs of the seriousness she claimed was evident on her.

But aside from the straight look on her face, and the focused gleam of her eyes, there was nothing to be found. Seriousness wasn't a scar, and scars couldn't stick to Saga anyway.

I felt relief, and sadness wash through us. We were happy that she wasn't as torn on the outside as she felt on the inside...but at the same time...there was no proof of maturity, no outward sign of growth. She was identical to who she was when we first met, and identical to how she'd look when I'd die, as when the Earth would die, as when the universe would die.

All at once, thoughts tumbled between us, and it felt like everything we'd ever left unfelt or unsaid came rushing out at once. How very afraid she was of being alone. How much I relied on her, the most amoral person I knew, to point me towards choosing right. How she fought with herself, determined to stay detached from me and others, knowing we were ephemeral to her. How much her traumas weighed on me, and mine on her, burdens which could only be seen by others, but felt by us both.

She closed her eyes and exhaled, and it was gone, the door closed as much as it ever was, leaving both of us feeling empty and full all at once.

Yet one thought lingered in the forefront of my mind, pressed forward by Saga for me to hold onto.

Don't give up.

"But I can't beat him," I said, frustration boiling out of my voice.

"Even if that's true, if you give up, you'll lose yourself long before he takes you. After you saved me, when I was left under New Eden while the riots were going on, do you remember what I committed to?"

"Never giving up?" I sighed.

"Even if it meant dying for realsies. Take it from me, Athan, I was there, and what despair turns you into...it's not a better existence than dying as yourself."

I cocked my head at her. "Aren't you guys always worrying about me doing something stupid and getting myself killed? Isn't this the exact opposite advice?"

She let me go and shrugged. "You've also never given up before."

That one hit me hard. I guess...to Saga...that meant that whatever I was doing to myself here was even worse than what I'd been before. What an incredibly shitty thought.

As though sensing my thoughts--or possibly literally doing so--she began talking again before I could go further down that line.

"So, what it seems like to me, is that you need a little more context." She stepped backwards into the wall and then slid down it into an uncomfortable-looking puddle.

"Context of what? Of Dragon? Of my mental problems?"

"No, silly. Of the world. It's easy to get lost in your own problems when you're doing…" she gestured at the room. "This."

"Again, not useful, Saga."

"Then close your mouth for a second, dumbass." She gave me a cheery smile. "The last couple months at the XPCA have been murder on your and my minds both. A lot of that sweet, naive luster in your noggin' is gone, replaced with thunderstorms and frowns. And I only really savor cynicism when I get the fun of putting it there."

"You want to what, turn back time to before all this New Eden bullshit made my life ass? Before I realized just how hard the XPCA had to work to keep even benign Exhumans off the street? Before, what, three times now? I've been apocalypse-adjacent?"

"No, silly. If I could turn back time, I'd waste it on much more frivolous things. Did you know a hundred years ago, there were these great dill chips they don't seem to make anymore--"

"Saga." Even if she was obnoxious, I'd take her over Serious Saga anyday.

"As much as I hate agreeing with AEGIS, I don't think it counts if it's the old, dead version of her. You need to go into the world and have some fun, Athan. You need to re-remember why there's a world you want to save in the first place. You need to discover a reason to not give up, and once you have that, you'll be stronger than you ever were."

"How is a vacation supposed to help me beat Dragon?"

She grinned. "Is it any worse than sitting in here going insane?"

"Yes," I said, even if she had a point. "Like I said, I want everyone to take Dragon seriously. You can't expect me to just jump away on some field trip for fun when I want every possible advantage to fighting him."

She shook her head. "Seems to me the one who knows most about fighting would disagree with you. Karu, if I'm allowed to say that name without you crying like a bitch."

"Saga, she--"

"Now, do you think that flying she-bitch would rather you be mentally sound, or overtraining?"

"It's not that simple."

"Or how about the months you've been suffering at your job, and then you're out, and lost all that purpose. What's her opinion on having a purpose?"

"Her purpose is murdering people now, Saga."

"After Mage died. Interesting little snippet about giving too much of yourself and having nothing left? Sound applicable?"

"Saga!" I screamed over her. "Karu's a fucking psycho now, do you understand? Stop quoting her at me, I don't want to be anything like her. She's gone, and lost, and twisted up her morals so much she thinks murder is fine."

Saga's demure face broke into a twisted grin. "So do I, Athan."

"Fuck you," I said, and got up to leave, slamming the door as hard as I could manage on my way out.

[You do realize that doesn't work on me?]

"Fuck you, Saga!" I screamed back at her. "Karu's life isn't a joke, and neither are my problems."

Chiho gave me an odd glance as she snuck past me to get into the bathroom.

[Sometimes, you're such a stupid dumbass hypocrite it makes me want to pop your head just to smooth out all the contradictions in it,] her voice boomed at me, making me wince. [But I'm right and you know it, and no amount of being butthurt about shit is going to change that.]

I heard Lia yell something from the garage.

[This is a private conversation, I'll have you know,] Saga yelled back. [Whitney and the neighbors can bite my ass for all I care. Actually, that sounds fun, start rounding 'em up, let's get a line going. Ass-biting! Three credits, or both cheeks for five!]

I sat on the couch in the living room, holding my head like that would do anything to stop the pounding that came with the psionic wailing. This was exactly what I didn't need. Laughing and screaming and madness, all I wanted was to be better, to be stronger, to be more focused and competent and capable. Everyone here was just a fucking distraction from what I needed to focus on.

I stopped, stunned at my own thoughts.

[Heh. You get it finally?]

I could do without the jeering but...I realized that what I wanted to be, what I'd been trying to torture myself into...I wasn't just hating Dragon, I was...idolizing him. How could I ever think of my friends, these people, these beautiful, fucked-up idiots of mine as just a distraction? They were the whole reason I cared about living, about Dragon taking that life. Were my thoughts really ready to barrel down into pushing them all away so I could...what, become Dragon? And stop caring about them?

"Stop that," I said.

[Just helping your train of logic out a little,] she mused. [You only needed a little push.]

"You think I'm obsessed, and at the end of it, I'll be alone and moraless like Dragon," I said, and then swallowed hard. "Like Karu."

[I think it's a definite possibility. I think it's the logical conclusion of your path.]

I sat and reeled in that thought for a minute. Saga left my brain in peace to sort out some of my feelings, which I wasn't in any real state of mind to appreciate.

"Does Lia think so, too?"

[Not yet. Just worried about you,] she said ambiguously, since Lia was right there.

I slumped some. That was a relief at least.

"Then what do I do?" I asked the empty room.

[You go out there, and you find reasons to care. You find (I can't believe I'm saying this) reasons to like humanity. Reasons to do what you're doing that are bigger than Dragon. You find yourself, little man.]

"And then when Dragon comes? Does he just kill a slightly more complete person?"

[Maybe,] she said with some bemusement. [You never know what you'll find in the world. Maybe what you need is right there waiting for you. But between you and me, I think that if you dug deep and really truly found yourself, Dragon wouldn't stand a chance.]

"Really?"

I could hear her snort from the other room. [No, not at all. What, did you honestly think that you'd just get stronger by force of will? That's stupid. You are gonna have to work at it, but if you go at it with nothing but obsession fueling you, that's not enough. And also I'll have gotten sick of your shit and killed you myself long before Dragon does.]

"Well...fucking...thanks. Great."

[No problem, sport. Happy to help.]

"You're not help at all!" I shouted at the ceiling, and I felt and heard her laugh both.

[One step at a time, Athan. And I've got a nice easy step one for you to follow. You left your mobile in here, so I'm gonna borrow it.]

"Don't do anything stupid with it, please."

[Well I was going to fill it with an impromptu naked photoshoot, but since you insist.]

Lia yelled from the garage again, and I just held my head.

[All right. All done,] Saga said after a minute. [Have fun, and remember, you're there to get some new experiences. Be open to things, and try to be happy.]

I had...no idea what Saga was talking about. Try what?

Something tapped me on the arm and I looked over to see a short girl with large eyes and a broad smile. I wondered how long Rito had been standing there.

"Um, hi," she said with the same embarrassment she always talked to me through nowadays.

"Hi...Rito. Why are you here?"

"Saga called me." She handed me my mobile from the other room. "I'm going to take you somewhere, okay?"

I shook my head. "Sure, whatever."

[Say hi to Zuwaigani for me!] Saga said, and before I could think back a reply, I realized we were gone.