This time it was AEGIS at my bedside, looking a little worse for wear. She'd torn out some of her hair-cables in sprinting to get to me, torn off a strip of her dress as a makeshift bandage, and while she didn't get ugly, puffy, and red like real girls did when they cried, she still made a very convincing inconsolable wreck.

It was this wreck which woke me, drugged and disoriented again, feeling like I'd just been here. But last time I'd woken slowly and groggily, and this time, I was startled awake by muffled sobs and bitter curses.

"S-shit, fuck, I'm sorry, Athan, I didn't-didn't mean to w-wake you," she sniveled. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

Meanwhile, I had no idea what was going on still. She repeated those last three words at least a hundred times while I shook my head and consoled her for...something?

"I can't do it!" she wailed. "I just can't. Don't make me go back, I can't."

"Go...back…?"

"P-plug in again. Run the operations. I-I...can't do it."

"But you...do it so well?" I asked.

I was so lost. Was this what she was sad about? Had she failed at her job? I had memories coming back but they were incoherent, not in a clean order. I remembered yelling at a camera that I was going to have sex with Karu real loud. I had no idea where this fit in the timeline, and was a little worried that maybe we'd gone and done that, which was why AEGIS was now distraught?

But...what about the operations? I didn't get it.

It took several long minutes of her bemoaning herself and apologizing and promising she'd kill herself and being talked down from that before I began to remember what was going on.

"I'm a defect!" she cried. "I'm defective. I hurt...I hurt the one thing...most important to me…"

I held my head. Being woken up like this and all this wailing was hurting me now, too, but I wasn't about to add that on the pile.

"Couldn't...do my programming. Couldn't...do my own...l-life goal…"

Terrifying images came back to mind. AEGIS all tangled in machine, her face almost invisible under the sprawl. Her body slowly emerging as she stalked towards me and the cables of her hair were pulled behind her. The ground next to me, slick and red with blood from my mouth as I coughed.

Shit, I thought, half-understanding why AEGIS was currently borderline-suicidal in her panic and despair.

"...may as well j-just...wipe myself out...find another iteration...that w-w-would love you...better than I do…"

Okay so, more than borderline.

I reached out and grabbed her head, holding her tight to my chest. She inhaled with a tiny squeak and held it there, as I held her.

"Shh. It's okay," I murmured. "I'm okay."

She shook her head and tried to say something pitiful.

"No, it's really okay. This isn't your fault."

She pulled away, almost violently. "Isn't my...Athan, I kicked you. We're in a hospital. You had forty percent of your l-lungs edematous...from pulmonary lacerations. You had thirteen fractures in your ribs, an-and...internal hemorrhaging from the intestine, stomach, and kidneys. If we weren't blocks from a hospital...a crack surgical team, and a regenerator, you'd be dead."

I gave her a smile. "Yeah."

"So tell me how the f-fucking fuck that wasn't my fault."

I pulled her in again, with more resistance this time, but she also seemed afraid of fighting against me at all. Which suited me fine as I held her close and just tried my damndest to soothe her. My heart was racing at her crying all over me, girls crying always made me panic inside on some level.

"It was my fault," I explained. "I'm the one who made you do it."

"You didn't make me kick you. Nobody--"

"I made you plug in. You told me you didn't want to, and I said I needed you to. You had concerns that it would affect you, and you were right. As the person who made the call, I'm the one responsible for the consequences."

She pulled away from me just enough so she could stare at me with her large, watery, yellow eyes. Her mouth seemed incapable of anything but trembling, until she spoke.

"Bullshit, Athan. I kicked you."

"Because you were someone else. You were...jacked-in AEGIS, who's all machine and no girl. Who you were afraid of becoming when you warned me."

"I still did it."

"Technically, yeah, you did. But you did everything in your power not to. I'm not going to blame you for this, and neither should you. If anything I should have remembered everything you said, and tried to get you to unplug more...gracefully."

She frowned, tears still streaking down her face. I wiped them with a corner of my sexy papery hospital gown.

"That did really hurt," she said. "You just startled me. I thought...I-I...thought...you were a threat."

"And I was. To your programmed self. How do you think an XPCA AI would react to being forcibly unplugged by an Exhuman?"

She seemed almost convinced. Enough to stop and be at least a little mad at me behind the tears, anyway. "I still kicked you," she mumbled.

I sighed. "You did. But can we agree there's a situation where you kicking someone is their fault?"

This time her smile was petulant. "No."

"What if...there's an enemy soldier and he pulls a knife on you?"

"I'm still the one kicking him."

"Yeah, but it's his fault."

"He's a soldier. It's his military's fault."

I shook my head. "Okay, what if there's a rapist who's coming at you. Or a mugger."

"Athan, I'm always responsible for my own actions, okay? And two days ago, my actions were completely out of line."

"Wait, two days ago?"

She nodded, her electric eyes sparkling. My addled mind tried to piece together all the consequences of those few words.

I didn't know where to start with the questions so I just started. "Where's everyone else?"

She shook her head. "Dunno."

"What's Saga doing?"

"Dunno."

"What...how...the XPCA. What's going on with them? Where are we with our...our operations?"

"Dunno. I've been here."

"The...the whole...whole two days?"

She seemed mildly offended. "Did you think I just started crying because you woke up? Athan, you needed massive surgery--"

"I know," I cut her off. "I know. It was real bad, how bad a thing you did. I forgive you, I think it was my fault. We got that."

She frowned and started to disagree but I continued.

"Look, AEGIS. I'm not trying to cut you slack here or anything. I mean...I would. You're...one of my favorite people. But even if you weren't, even if I didn't love you, which I still do, so you can shut the fuck right up about killing yourself. But even then, I'd still say this was my fault, okay? That's part of being a leader and calling shots. Call the wrong shot, you don't blame the guy following your orders. Okay?"

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She sniffled. "Okay."

"So I'm sorry I'm...I know I'm being like...really short with you, and insensitive and...honestly I'm super drugged and stupid feeling, and you're freaking me out by crying all over me...but the fact is...I just want that all tied up and put away, and for you to know how I see it. So we can deal with the bigger issues." I paused just a heartbeat. "Bigger as in, like…"

"Bigger than us. I got it," she said, wiping her eyes. "Ah, shit, I'm a mess."

She pulled herself off me to take a few moments walking around, wiping her eyes, talking to herself gently, and breathing. I watched her with parts admiration, for how hard she was trying to pull herself together here, and guilt, for forcing her to do it.

But at long last, she came back to me, resumed her place on my chest and lap, and stared at me with eyes much less full of self-pity.

"I just want to say, I think that it's very responsible of you," she said. "To...have that attitude. I still think you're wrong. But I also acknowledge that if it were someone other than me, I'd think you're right. So I'm forced to conclude I have biases at work." She shook her head. "Sorry, I have my indexes turned down a little to help get through this. It makes me a little detached from myself."

"It's fine," I said, not sure that feeling less was a good solution for an issue caused by her feeling nothing at all there. "But um, I'm to understand you know nothing about the XPCA the last couple days?"

"Yeah, that's right," she fretted. "I'm sorry. I was wallowing in misery in here instead of functioning with any accountability."

Well, she was certainly right about being a little detached. Just one tweak and she could go from bawling uncontrollably to her own biggest critic. I kinda wished more people I knew had that kind of control.

Though, honestly, that'd be the people I didn't care much about. It was rough seeing AEGIS put herself through this.

"Can you...connect and give me a synopsis of events?"

"Certainly. Processing now."

I watched as her eyes flickered back and forth, left to right like she was speed-reading everything that she was downloading. I wondered if she even knew she did that.

"Hm. I have pulled what I believe to be the most salient data. I believe I can say with certainty that you will be distressed to hear it. Please wait."

Not knowing what else was going on, I waited. She just kinda stared at me with intensity.

"Uh…?" I asked.

"Thank you," she confirmed. "I have verified that your vitals are recovered enough that I will not imperil you further by dropping a bombshell on you. Still, I advise you to prepare yourself."

"Oh...kay?" I watched as she rose and went to the holo opposite my bed near the ceiling and plugged herself in with one of her undamaged cables. It took a few moments before a news feed popped up, and another few before she got it to the place she wanted.

It was a male news anchor in a grey suit with a red tie. Short-cut hair, clay-colored skin. He looked somber, but something in his eyes told me he relished these kind of seriously depressing news stories.

"Our headline for tonight is the passing of the third Director of the Exhuman Pacification and Control Agency, more commonly called the XPCA, who was found dead in his DC home, along with the body of his wife of forty-one years, Frances. Each was shot dead with a single round from the director's military firearm. Police are currently investigating the likelihood of a murder-suicide, though as for what could be the cause, experts seem unsure."

The footage cut to stock shots taken of the outside of his house, yellow tape and police swarming the scene. A woman's voiceover began playing.

"Director David Hall was a stern but beloved figure within the XPCA's ranks. Known as General Wall' for his no-nonsense approach to the Exhuman threat, he was promoted to Director only five months ago, as a rekindling of traditional XPCA values. Staunchly opposed to such new initiatives as the 'Exhuman New Deal', the controversial funding and operation of New Eden, or the establishment of the failed Parahuman-Force, many saw Director Hall's appointment as a return to form, and a return to the zero-tolerance policies against Exhumans which have marked the greater part of American history."

The holo paused, and I saw AEGIS studying me carefully.

"Much of it just goes on with such flowery, but pointless prose," she explained.

"What happened?" I asked. "Wh...why'd he…?"

"Why did he shoot his wife and himself?"

"Y-yeah, that."

AEGIS frowned. "I haven't run the numbers, but I could if you'd like. But preliminary analysis would either indicate that something went amiss with Saga's control of the man. Or, something did not."

"Meaning, either she fucked up, or killed him."

She adjusted her glasses. "Indeed. Again, it does not pay to baselessly speculate, when the data is right there to be processed, but this transpired within mere minutes of you being rushed from the tower. I am pulling up incident logs currently."

"Incident logs? Like...from things inside Raven's Nest?"

She paused for just a second longer. "Yes, let's see...marking twelve twenty-two, the time you were struck by this violent and worthless being as time zero, at T-zero plus fifteen seconds, many members of the tower staff can be seen visibly flinching or recoiling. Many would later go on to file medical reports, records mentioning a sudden lash of what they described as 'indescribable rage'."

The holo cut to a different feed, flicking through different files that AEGIS was pawing through. Medical reports and camera feeds flashed by.

"At zero plus fifty eight seconds, cameras show Director Hall screaming in his office, alone. He appears emotionally consumed, and expends a great deal of effort to systematically and violently destroy his desk."

A feed of that very occurrence, the director seeming almost feral as he ripped off magnetically-suspended parts of it to beat the other parts senselessly.

"At plus nine minutes and eleven seconds, he heads downstairs, apparently recovered after his rampage. Our last sighting of him is at ten minutes and forty-nine seconds, when he enters his vehicle and departs the premises." She cocked her head at me. "It would be trivial to pull up traffic cams, if you wouldn't mind waiting?"

"No, I got it," I seethed. "When Saga found out I'd been hurt, she went ballistic, and took it out on Hall."

"That seems...to be a logically consistent interpretation. Perhaps we should have her punished?"

"Like what, gonna spank her?" I threw the sheets off of me and rose, so livid that I only remembered that one of my legs didn't work when I tried to step on it and had to catch the bed to keep from falling. "Fucking...goddamn it, Saga," I muttered.

"I was under the impression she had negative associations with…" the camera feed switched to a familiar metallic chamber that made my stomach do a flip. "...the specialized detention facilities beneath New Eden. We could arrange to have her stored there temporarily, until her behavior is corrected."

"Jesus Christ, AEGIS. You need to turn your emotions back up."

She cocked her head at me. "What makes you say that?"

"Because you're fucking terrifying when you're utterly ruthless. Make sure you never try to do XPCA work when you're like this, or a dead director will be the least of our worries."

"So noted. But I thought I was to be relieved of XPCA work?"

I grabbed my exoframe, thankfully not disassembled because it wasn't Whitney here with me today, and started to turn it on. "As much as I'd like to say you are, I don't think we can afford it. Not with Saga the way she is. If you were there, you'd have seen her emotions flare, would have stopped her at Hall beating his desk senseless, before he shot himself and his wife. As much as I hate asking you to plug back in, I think we need you to."

"I understand. Would I determine suitable punishment for Saga, then?"

"No," I told her, standing next to my legs as they powered on and equilibrated their pressure with a series of pneumatic hisses. "Saga's not at fault here, either."

She blinked at me. "I don't understand. She deliberately had this man and his wife murdered."

"And maybe many more that the news hasn't picked up on yet," I commented. "Just like you kicked me."

I undressed, and put on my old clothes, feeling like AEGIS was little more of a voyeur than a chair in her current state. Finally I got into my legs, clamped them on, and we headed for the door.

"Am I to understand...you do not intend to punish her in the least? Or this violent and worthless being, either?"

I patted her on the head. "That's right. It was my call on both of you. Neither of you wanted this like I did, it's my fault. Let's move forward on things instead of trying to lay blame."

"As...you wish." She straightened up, seeming almost disappointed.

"What? Did you want to get spanked?" I asked.

Somehow, she still reddened with her emotions cranked down. "N-no. Or at least...I see no logical reason...why I would want that." I shook my head at her, and she recovered quickly, taking rapid strides to keep up with me as I stormed towards the hospital desk. "If we are...resuming work on this issue...I have a conflict which needs addressing."

"Yes?"

"You told me, I am not permitted to work on XPCA affairs while in my current levels of emotional capability. We are currently moving to engage with XPCA affairs."

"Ah, I see the problem," I said, thinking.

She waited patiently, like a computer. It was so gross. But I also didn't want her crying on everything right now. We kinda had to act fast and get Saga reeled in, though after two whole days, I didn't know what kind of damage she might have already done.

And then I considered it from another angle. Her's. Not...this her's, this smiling, functioning shell. That thing was hardly better than the plugged-in, work and programming-obsessed thing which had almost killed me. But from the real her's. AEGIS'.

She wouldn't want to do the work at all. She wanted to quit on the XPCA. She'd wanted to before, but I'd leaned on her until this had happened. Now she'd want to stop twice as much, and the fact that I'd just make her go right back in after she'd just proven how dangerous this was to her personality, with her foot, that felt downright cruel of me.

It was cruel of me. I should let her go, let her have her feelings and her mind and self back. Let her be AEGIS again, even if she needed to cry, needed to sort things out and feel like garbage and have me spend long hours reassuring her and telling her I loved her.

But that wasn't what the XPCA needed. Wasn't what the world needed. Fuck me, I was really going to do this, wasn't I?

"No, just for today, you can operate on XPCA affairs under my supervision," I told her. "I need you to monitor Saga with all of your vigil right now."

"Confirmed. It does seem a minor state of emergency. Should I have it escalated as such?"

"No. Just keep it quiet. You and me and Saga, we'll work this all out. We'll just go in, take her out of the Raven's Nest, until she's calmed down enough that we're sure nothing else is going to happen. Okay?"

"Okay," AEGIS said as we approached the desk. "Are you fine to manage the paperwork on your own? I will focus on probability outcomes."

I remembered last time AEGIS checked me out, so insistent to do it herself and practically trying to carry me down the hall without a crutch. She was such a different person with her emotions all deadened. Even if she passed easily for human, on some level, being an AI fundamentally changed how you could be.

And looking at her while she crunched numbers, her eyes flickering back and forth behind her glasses, the ball of guilt and unease churning inside me for what I was making her do, I thought the same of myself for a moment and wondered at the things which changed how I could be. All the killing and sacrifice, putting the world first and doing things like this to my friends.

I wondered when I'd get to turn my emotions back on, too. Or if it was even something I wanted anymore.