This should not be difficult. My target was there before me, I was a master hunter. All I needed to do was to pull the trigger and end this farce.

Yet, instead, I stood. Legs weak under me, mind screaming at me Do it! Do it! Are you a woman or aren't you? And the longer I found myself hesitating, the more impossible it seemed.

For all of my various faults, decisiveness was not one I considered among them. In my youth, I had implicitly trusted the words of my father and my tutors, and acted as they instructed without hesitation. As I grew older, I entered the service, and then the airborne, where moments spent pausing for thought could spell the death of yourself or your comrades. And when I became a hunter, I was fueled by my own confidence, and by the trauma and events and faith which had set me on that path.

Yet here I stood. Trembling like a newborn lamb. Pathetic.

I was drawing stares as well now, which only reaffirmed my indecision. If I were standing here in my armor, brimming with weaponry and a visor glowing crimson, I could understand, but the fact that I was just as any other civilian and still managing to make a scene made my cheeks burn.

And for good reason. Were I just another shopper, I too might wonder at the statue of the woman standing in the aisle of a department store with two necklaces in her hands, one pressed to her neck, and a moronic look on her face. Every time I tried to take them to purchase, I thought, this is foolishness. But every time I tried to put them down, I thought...foolish yes, but I desired it.

But it would never work. But it might.

It was two days until Christmas and in an effort to escape the madhouse which was the Irenside estate's Christmas preparations, I had opted to go to a shopping mall where I happened upon the idea of buying token gifts for those whom I appreciated personally, beyond the heaps of impersonal gifts which would be lavished on the party guests indiscriminately.

I had been walking through the sea of people when I happened upon a particularly ugly stuffed cat doll which made me think of Lia for reasons I couldn't quite place, and elected to buy it for her as a gift. Once I had happened upon that cause, I began actively looking for gifts for the others as well.

For AEGIS I had noticed during our joint operation that her personal mobile was unadorned, and sifting through an ocean of junk and children, procured a phone charm of what I believed was her favorite character from the game we had all just experienced together; a somewhat scantily-clad rogue with two blades and a cheshire grin. Assuming that her opinion hadn't changed since she mentioned it offhandedly during the mission.

For Athan, I had spent a bit more lavishly, out of necessity, and not at a mall. The standard-issue fighting utility knife issued by the XPCA was phosphated carbon steel and was generally suitable enough for its purpose, but neither held an edge well nor was particularly strong. I picked him up a cutting-edge model, as it were, bonded composite with reinforcing nanotubes and a crystalline carbon edge, stronger than diamond. It was no exaggeration to say the knife could slice through wood or flesh as easily as paper, and was sturdy enough that if lodged securely in a surface--easy to do with the blade as sharp as it was--it could be used for pull-ups without snapping.

The fact that it was the same model as the one I wore was irrelevant, and served only as an indication of my faith in the product. Though, the thought of such a blade in his hands made my arms tingle strangely.

I was merely perusing clothing at this point, perhaps hoping to find an 'I am with stupid' shirt for Temperance or the like, when I stumbled upon the two artifacts in my hands.

Matching chokers. His and hers. Insipid. Disgusting. I had only touched upon them by chance and was going to dismiss them without a second thought when the words on the tag caught my eye.

'Feel your lover's pulse, even when you're far apart!' it proclaimed, with a small image diagram. Curious, I had pressed one to my neck as if wearing it with the other still in my hand, and then, through the magic of technology, felt my own pulse in my hand, as surely as if I'd placed my fingers against my carotid artery.

But foolishly, in that moment, it wasn't my pulse I imagined myself feeling, but his, and since that instant I was frozen here, holding the choker to my neck and feeling the pulse in my hand quickening as I imagined him wearing the choker always, hidden beneath the tall collar of his XPCA uniform, and whenever I wanted reassurance that he was alive and well, I could place my fingers on my own neck and feel his heartbeat on top of mine.

In the days after I had left him, my mind assaulted me constantly with images of Ashton's destroyed body, sent off to an inglorious death against an Exhuman he could not hope to defeat, and the last words I would have said to him would have been a bitter farewell and the promise that we were not right for each other.

Looking at myself now, almost despicable, a shell of who I once was, harboring a monster of sin and self-indulgence, who had returned to Ashton with the intent of making him mine again, even if it was self-destructive and wrong, because self-destructive and wrong was apparently who and what I was now. I had to wonder, if I could have felt his reassuring pulse whenever I had doubted, or my mind tortured me, or even when I felt overcome with longing for him...would I be better now? A bit less sinful, a bit less broken?

I had no idea, and it did no good to speculate, yet still I thought, perhaps.

So buy them, I told myself. I could always deign not to give it to him. I needn't stand here, hesitating like a motherless child. You are an airborne elite, and a hunter, besides. Move your damn feet, woman! Or at least put the moronic coupley gadget down!

Yet I couldn't. If I did, the heartbeat in my hand would stop. Such was how pathetic I was now. I could almost laugh, or cry, or both, so much was I moved by something so incredibly idiotic as my own pulse imagined to be someone else's.

This was the height of foolishness. When had I become such an emotional wreck? If I could not bear to put them down, I could at least open my hands. One finger at a time if I had to. Release the damned cursed things and let them fall and walk away.

When a problem seemed insurmountable, break it into discrete attainable goals and proceed until the operation is completed. Ten fingers later, I had let Ashton go again, and the pair of chokers was back where they started. I let out a deep breath.

I had been fine at the start of our joint op, mostly. I was aware of the hypocrisy of warning Ashton of the dangers of 'I am fine, except--', but I also knew my limits more acutely than Ashton knew his. I was fine, except, and that except would not risk the operation or the safety of my comrades.

Not that my advice was unsound, but honestly, compared to the hells I had endured during my service, a little op here and there might tax me physically, but it could not begin to compare to an actual four-year deployment and the sanity and soul-stripping experience which that entailed.

I sighed. Finally free of the pair of devices, I could continue my pointless errand undeterred. Thousands of racks of clothing stood between me and the dread concept of returning home where my father invariably waited with a snide commentary about my predilection for frivolous shopping, regardless of how untrue such an accusation would be.

Suddenly the emptiness of my actions galled me. Where once this had seemed just a fanciful diversion, it now seemed foolish and pointless, and I knew the cause wasn't any imagined slights by my father--though, those would come--but rather seeing myself being such an imbecile with the collars. My minutes of hesitation there had soured the mood of the trip, as it were.

And so I left in defeat. Fifteen minutes later, I was seated in one of my father's cars, a black window separating me from the driver, and the scant bounty I had found today sitting next to me in a single glossy paper bag.

We were going nowhere fast. If the mall could be considered crowded, then the parking situation surrounding it was simply impassible. As lights cycled green and red, the interminable line of cars before us barely moved, giving me an unexpected and unpleasant length of time alone with my thoughts.

Beside me, the bag practically rustled with anticipation and guilt, as though I had buried a heart beneath its floorboards. I sighed at my own weakness and reached in, pulling out the two chokers. Even just holding them in my hands, I felt like I could almost feel it, the beating of his heart from miles away.

I looked around guiltily and then, as I had before, in the store, held one to my neck and the other in my hand, feeling my pulse rising as embarrassment of my private indulgence forced more blood to my cheeks and face. But if I closed my eyes and willed it away, I could ignore the sound of my own heartbeat and feel only the one in my hand, only his. His heart, so close I could touch it.

The thought of it made my head foggy and my breath ragged, and I reluctantly opened my eyes and pushed away the delusion before I was tempted to do anything even more disgraceful back here. I was surprised to see we had already exited the lot and were slowly maneuvering through the surrounding streets. I must have spent several minutes in my...trance, as it were, unknowingly.

I was thankful for the tinted windows of the vehicle. At least I had a degree of privacy back here, not that I should need it. As a policy, I hated privacy in a general sense. People should act in private as they do in public, and should act with decency and honor in public. So for me to be acting thus behind a dark window as though that were any justification…

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I sighed. My principles aside, if anyone had seen me being such a fool--

A slight movement caught my eye and I realized I was making eye contact with the driver through the mirror visible through the lowered center partition.

"Yikes," she said simply, with a hint of amusement.

"E-E-Eryn?" I stammered, shoving the chokers into the bag, feeling my entire face burning with shame.

"So, Miss K. Who's the lucky man?"

"There is no man!" I yelled back defiantly.

"Oh. Guess I shouldn't be surprised. There was that whole scandal about you swinging that way. Still, I'm a little hurt that you never even made a pass at me."

"Eryn! I am not a lesbian!"

She laughed in a way that let me know she was just playing with me. I sighed and held my head in my hands. Of all the people to possibly catch me, this may be the worst imaginable.

"Well, boy or girl, whoever it is, they're making you steam up my rear windshield something fierce, Miss K."

"This was merely a lapse in judgement on my part, and I will swear you to secrecy of everything you have witnessed in this vehicle, or so help me, I will exit this vehicle and find a tall building willing to put an end to my shame."

"Eesh, you don't have to be so dramatic, Miss K, my lips are sealed. I'm just happy you found a man."

Whereas my face may have been flush with more embarrassment than I had ever before felt, hers was a simple grin, of which I could only see her eyes smiling back at me in the mirror. So I had moved merely from unmitigated disaster to mitigated disaster then.

It wasn't that I didn't trust her. On the contrary, Eryn was possibly the one individual in the Irenside household that I trusted most. She was a smart and dutiful girl who had chosen to serve the family specifically, and had done so for her entire adult life, without fail.

She was only a year older than I, a daughter of one of the older maids who worked at the manor, and was consequently a frequent playmate for me in growing up. Even as a child, she would follow her mother around, helping wherever she was able, and owing to her deftness and acuity--and her ability to steer clear of my father--was seen as more asset than hindrance, a classification which only grew more pronounced as she matured.

As soon as she had finished school, she practically forced her mother to retire and took her place, urging her mother to enjoy her remaining years in peace while Eryn supported them both. What followed was a humorous role-reversal where it was the mother following the child around the house, helping where she was able and being the one being supported, but the pair were well-loved and hard working, and whatever configuration of them was actively employed, the household was better for their presence.

As a childhood friend, I was nearer to Eryn than even my tutors or caretakers, and naturally prefered her presence of the servants whenever possible, even possibly doting on her unreasonably, to my father's annoyance...which of course, only encouraged my behavior further.

But she was also consequently a bit of a free spirit and a tremendous gossip, having both the privileged position to secure insider knowledge as well as reasonable protection from punishment which may fall on the other staff. And that was what now concerned me.

"I am absolutely serious, Eryn," I said, trying to make my voice commanding while I felt nothing but of the sort. "Even should my father ask, breathe not a word of this."

"And what should I say if a handsome lad at the gala should happen to ask? A boy, perhaps, you are making doe eyes at across the ballroom all night?"

"I do not make...doe eyes!"

To be safe, perhaps I should wear my visor at the party. It would certainly be less absurd than many of the fashionable getups that would undoubtedly be there.

"Aha, so he will be there?" she confirmed with a pleased lilt. "Assuming you didn't fall for a pompous old fart, that narrows it down considerably…"

"Eryn, why do you insist on tormenting me?" I wailed.

She smiled broadly. "Just tell me about him! I already told you, I won't say anything."

"I will not fall for two verbal traps in one car ride. You said you would not speak of what you witnessed previously, I have no such guarantee against information of this boy--"

"Or girl!"

"--from leaking out."

"Fine. Nothing in this car leaves this car. Is this the guy I picked up for you from the XPCA, like, a month ago? To have dinner with you and Master Irenside?"

"Yes, the very same. Although...at that time...we were dating, I suppose."

"Hey, did this jerkass dump you?"

I laughed. "No, on the contrary. Later that very night I realized we were not right and let him go."

"And now, a month later, you're making a mess on my seats back there over him still?"

"I am making no such mess, Eryn! That is foul."

She cackled impishly and I could do nothing but sigh. I did not remember her ever being quite so crude, but I guess given the asexual facade I had constructed of myself at the manor, it could be she simply lacked the ammunition.

"Beggin' your pardon, Miss K, I'm sure you're as pure and dry as a baptism. But if you like him so much, why'd you let him go?"

"I was...concerned that having him on my mind at all times would make me unable to perform my job safely and effectively."

"But now that he's gone, you still have the same problem?"

"How did you know?"

"It's not really in your nature to sit and space out, Miss K, but while sniffing your boy's underwear--"

"I was NOT!"

"--or whatever you were doing back there, you just had this dreamy expression on your face and nothin' going on behind it. Never seen you like that before. As soon as I saw it, I thought, 'uh-oh, our little girl's all grown up'."

I felt the first tinges of a flush returning. "Was I truly so hopelessly transparent?"

"Yeah. Took you long enough, by the way. Most girls do this kind of thing in high school, but I guess with the private tutoring and all, you might be a reaaaaaally late bloomer. Honestly, the staff and I were all kind of wondering if you preferred the company of guns to men."

"Oh, is this what you gossip about while I am out?" I asked, hearing my voice sickly sweet, and wishing I had my trusty knife on me.

"Ha ha...oops. Well, better late than never, I say. For the record, I never doubted you for a moment, Miss K."

"It is somehow not at all reassuring that you argued in defense of my sexual preferences."

"So, if you weren't sniffing his skivvies back there--"

"Which I absolutely was not."

"--then I assume this is some kind of knock-'em-dead gift which you'll give him and then beg him to take you back? Oh! Is it underwear for you instead?"

"Eryn!" She laughed again. "It is nothing of the sort. It is just...a cheap and foolish thing which I regret buying immensely. I have already decided not to gift it to him."

"Aw, that's a shame. It's not because of me is it Miss K?"

"No, I was plenty embarrassed by my conduct before you caught me in the throes of it," I sighed. "I recognize this shame as the warning sign that it is, and have taken it into consideration in deciding not to proceed."

"I don't know about that, Miss K. Some of the best memories I have started with feeling pretty embarrassed. If you're that self-conscious about something, that might not mean it's wrong, just means it's scary, and maybe we have different definitions of scary 'n all, on account of me not being a big-shot hunter or nothin', but, well," she trailed off until I met her eyes in the mirror. "Scary can also just mean you're taking it seriously too. Like a bride getting cold feet, if you catch my meanin'."

"I am no blushing bride," I said indignantly.

"Right. You're a blushing lonely girl. A bride would be a big step up for you right now."

"Eryn, I really must insist you cease in tormenting me."

She laughed again. "If you say so Miss K. All I'm sayin' is, I know you pride yourself on your purity 'n all, but if that's not the stuff love is made of. Only one woman I've ever heard of who gave birth without a little impurity first, so if we all followed your example, the whole race'd be doomed."

Of course I knew that. Somehow I believed we were talking about entirely different things. When I was with Ashton...even when we were united in body, I never felt sinful or impure. It was only after I'd left him, when I craved him and had to face the feeling that I was less of a person without him that I had begun my crisis. It wasn't the purity of my loins, but my heart which I questioned.

"Eryn, may I posit a question of you?"

"You can ask one, I guess?"

"If there was a man you liked, but he was unattainable for one reason or another, would you still want to see him when you could? Or would you cut him from your life and move on?"

"Hmm," she said, while making a left turn onto the highway, and for a few moments there was only the sound of the road under us and the clicking of a turn indicator.

"Hard to say, Miss K. For me personally, I'd have to say I'd probably just see him every day and try to worm my way into his heart until I eventually did somethin' really stupid and tried to jump him and really messed everything up. Not that I'm speaking from personal experience or anything, of course."

"Of course."

"But...I don't think that advice is really applicable to you, Miss K."

"And why do you say that?"

"Because, if you don't mind my saying so, Miss K, you're a pro hunter. You're heir to the Irenside family. You're the toughest, strongest bitch that's ever come out of the airborne, with so many medals, if you wore 'em all, you wouldn't be able to fly anymore. You're motherfucking Karen Irenside, and God hasn't yet invented a man who's unattainable for you, Miss K."

I smiled at Eryn in the mirror, a little surprised by her answer, and definitely thinking it was full of crap, but nonetheless finding myself feeling strangely happy at it.

"Thank you, Eryn," I said.

"Anytime, Miss K. We'll be home in just a few minutes. Are you ready for your father?"

I never was, but something about the smile on my face felt like it would endure even him. Perhaps if I could just manage to keep this smile for two more days, I could have the courage to give Ashton a truly, truly embarrassing gift.

The thought of it made me wriggle and blush, but the smile remained. Like a bride, Eryn had said. If only. For another moment I indulged my fantasies, but instead of feeling guilty, I felt light in a way that even my jetpack did not make me. I felt a hint of the clarity of thought which I'd touched after fighting the technopath and was certain of my own impending death.

Despite all my best efforts to pervert it, the pure light of love did burn within me, and as long as I had that, so long as I was walking in its light, I could separate embarrassment from guilt, and strive for merely the former.

"Yes, I believe I am. Now if you will excuse me, I need to make a call to finalize some plans related to the party."

"Go get 'em, hunter," she said with a grin.