The most bizarre thing was how normal it had all been.

We were an Exhuman, a sentient AI in a synthetic body, and a criminal underlord, making appointments to look at apartments. The realtors were smiley and condescending in their explanations of every feature, real or imagined each place had, pointing out sources of natural light and how countertops matched cabinets.

A week ago I'd been building a robot army to massacre the top elite forces of the strongest military force on earth. Now I was stuck here being told to contemplate the value of synthetic-fibered wood, which was apparently indistinguishable from real wood, but more resilient to staining and warping from water damage or humidity.

How did this person not understand that being resilient to staining and warping WAS a way to distinguish from real wood?

I felt like I was on some crazy alien world where things made too little sense and nothing mattered. As we walked through the entry of the fourth house today, I saw all the same crap in a different orientation, priced ~4.5% higher than it should be, given the total square-footage, and aggregate price of appliances included.

"This seems like an enormous waste of time," I said as we sat down for lunch. Lia's lunch anyway, as Saga and I flanked her awkwardly.

She fixed Saga with a steely glare and said simply, "Keep your senses in check." I had no idea what she was referencing, but she experimentally bit into her wrap, staring at Saga like she was on fire.

Were these two crazy as well? Had they always been? Or was the outer world just such a realm of madness that simply by existing in it again, these flesh-and-blood people had utterly lost their sensibilities already?

Lia seemed content with whatever was going on between her and Saga (and Saga seemed really content in a way I could only describe as disturbing) and turned to me.

"We need to pick somewhere to live, and we might be there for a while, so we should find somewhere we like. It's not complicated."

"I don't understand, though. All the places we've seen seem so ridiculous. Talk of natural light and synthetic weave in the carpet, hardwood floors, softwood floors, middlewood floors. Tile floors. Fake tile floors. Lacquer floors."

"Not lacquer floors, that place was gross," commented Lia with a mouthful of lettuce.

"What ever happened to good old spartan accommodations? In the base I oversaw, everyone lived in the same type of room, totally serviceable. Concrete and metal grating. Clean, efficient. Low maintenance."

"Nobody wants to wake up and step out of bed onto a barren concrete floor," Lia said, flipping through pages with her free hand on her new wrist holo. "It's cold, and hard, and lifeless."

"So? Nobody's ever died because they got up and their foot touched something hard."

"Never heard the expression 'got up on the wrong side of the bed'? Maybe you don't sleep, so I get it if you don't understand, but sleep is an important part of being human. We spent, what, a third of our lives at it?"

"So get a bed with the right amount of support to prevent back pain. What does the floor have to do with this?"

She was about to answer but suddenly turned beet red and spun on Saga, and tread heavily on her foot. "Keep. It. In. Your. Head." She barked. I noticed other people around were also looking like it was suddenly hot out. Some psychic thing, I guess.

We were already getting some weird looks before. Lia blended in perfectly, opting for some shades and a wide-brimmed hat for a double-dose of incognito, and I was wearing a light cardigan over my dress to hide the less human-looking parts of my body, while having my hair tied up so the ends of the cables were hidden.

Saga though...did nothing. Sitting out in the open in a hundred year-old XPCA prison uniform. I sincerely hoped the style had changed in that time. She looked like a malnourished alien already.

"Look," Lia said turning back to me. "Imagine you made some new robot, and instead of it being called DOG, it was named 'worker robot.' What's your opinion on that?"

"That's a stupid name."

"Why? It's totally serviceable."

"Yeah, but it's not fun or clever or anything."

"Exactly," she said, stuffing another mouthful of wrap in her mouth. "Concrete floors and metal grating might be serviceable, but it's not fun or clever or anything. Living in a house like that makes humans...erm, people...want to kill themselves."

"Well, don't do that," I said, slightly alarmed. "Are you people really some teak cabinets and a natural light source away from jumping off buildings?"

"No, not typically. But it's depressing to merely survive. Gotta live, you know?"

She paused for a moment, looking at Saga.

"Yeah, a real bed. Get excited. Like, without a trap which tries to put you in a coma and everything."

"I don't…" I hesitated and thought. "I don't know what you mean," I said, feeling my cheeks go red. I sort of hated that they did that on their own, but on the other hand, I was also finding out that being able to cry was something I needed to add to this body very badly. It sucked, feeling like you needed to cry, feeling like you were crying, but still not crying.

"You never lived anywhere, really," Lia commented through her food. "It's not surprising. I bet you'll love it when you get the swing of it. The world isn't all military bases and concrete bunkers in the wilderness, you know. People own, like, art. And bathtubs. And carpets so thick, you can feel it between your toes."

"Isn't a shower a more economic use of water…?" I realized as soon as I said it, I was again missing the point. "Never mind. Just...show me what you mean, I guess."

"Isn't there anything you really want out of a place, though?" she asked, popping the last bit of food in her mouth. Saga was drooling a little bit on the table, and Lia and I both pretended not to notice.

"Um, a mass-fab. And a large space to operate a manufactory bay."

"Okay, but like, how about a built-in stereo system so you can blast your stupid cheesy movie music references even more dramatically. Or hell, a big red curtain you can unveil your masterpieces from behind."

"I think that takes away from the improvisational element."

She sighed. "Whatever. You'll figure out what I mean. Just stop looking at everything so practically, and try to decide what you like better. And don't worry about the floors, honestly, as long as they aren't ugly and you can clean them, they're all the same. Realtors just love talking about the floor because there's so much of it."

After lunch we had another appointment. A condo for rent out in a residential area. As sure as I was that Lia was just off her rocker, as long as I was stuck following this blonde in a suit around, I may as well try to take her advice.

I sat on the floor in the empty dining room and stared at the kitchen intently. Synthetically-formed walnut cabinets, creating a tone a few shades darker than traditional oak. To complement that, dark grey granite countertops, speckled seemingly at random with darker tones, effective at disguising grime, which was both a blessing and a health hazard. Silver, understated handles with a matte finish, which matched the stainless steel of the appliances, which were accented with black, as any modern device should be, harkening back to the dark countertops and wood.

I saw it all. I understood the unity of purpose and design which composed this kitchen. Lia looked at me expectantly, as my eyes darted around the room, assembling data and preparing my conclusion.

"Well?" she asked.

"It does not seem any better or worse than any of the others," I finally concluded.

She closed her eyes and slowly introduced her fists to her temples, her mouth making a noise like a piece of fat on a hot pan.

"It isn't!" I said. "How am I supposed to have an opinion when the primary difference is what tree died making the room?"

"Um, if you're not a fan of the kitchen, perhaps the yard will sell you?" Offered the realtor. "It's one of the most luxurious designs I know I've ever seen, I know you'll love it."

Ensure your favorite authors get the support they deserve. Read this novel on Royal Road.

Same words, different house, every time.

She had us exit through the garage, stating there was a back door leading from the main hall, but this way we could get a feel for the garage as well. As soon as we stepped inside there and she turned on the three hanging lightbars illuminating the cavernous space, I understood what Lia had been talking about.

"If the three of you each drive, there's room in here for three cars. I believe the original owner was something of a car-head, with a pull-through garage door leading to the back, if you want to keep a camper or the like. It's all very spacious, or if you don't need that much, I've heard of others renting out the space to neighbors, really…--"

I heard Lia mutter the word "gearhead" but wasn't listening.

She prattled on, limited by her paltry ideas. I knew as soon as I saw those lightbars illuminate. They were hanging from the rafters instead of anchored to the ceiling because above the rafters was usable space. There were four, no, five outlets up there to prove it. And the pillars, which would have separated each of the three parking cars, holding up the beams was unnecessary if that was all that would be up there.

It was a freaking two-story, three-car garage. And they'd only calculated the concrete in their square footage, the damn fools.

I let my eyes roam around the room. A high-voltage outlet, fuse box easily accessible. Taps for water in, sewage, even the hookups for the 'net were routed through this room.

This room was the heart of this house.

"Well, it's all concrete floors, but I guess you like that?" Lia said, watching me.

"It's perfect," I said.

"You haven't even seen the backyard yet! Prepare to be even more blown away," the blonde said, opening a door and ushering us through.

Yadda, yadda, plants and tiered gardens and shit. Let's go back and take another look at that 'net hookup, see what kind of throughput this place got. Saga seemed to like the yard though, which I guess was good for us getting this place.

"If you folks are interested, I want to be clear and let you know that this is a very highly sought-after piece of property. If you want to wait, I understand, but I've seen places like this go off the market like that," she said snapping her fingers.

"Sure, thanks love," Lia said, dismissively. "I have your card, we can give you a call when we make a decision. Mind if we sit out front and talk it over?"

"No, please...though if there's anything else I can show you...maybe another tour of the master bedroom?"

"Nah, we're good, thanks. I'll let you know." Lia led us outside and stared down the realtor until she drove away with an flustered farewell.

"Should we have let her go? What about what she said about these places selling like that." I snapped my fingers, but no noise came out. Weird. I tried again, and nothing. Lia smiled at me.

"You never learned to snap!" she said.

"It worked when I was all digital," I explained, looking at my fingers as they silently worked.

"That's adorable. I can teach you later. As for the parasite, I had enough of her. Everything she said was a lie. She said those countertops were granite. Bet you they'll charge us for granite. Want to guess what they're made of?"

"Not granite?"

"Bingo. Anyway. Scummy lady aside, you like the place?"

"I like the garage."

"Saga really likes the backyard. Not to be super-racist, but it does have this asian vibe going on. Tiers and little stone lanterns. It's super cute."

Saga responded somehow.

"Yeah, and there's that. Well, I like it too, I like that the whole hallway is new carpet, and I don't hate the color. Baths are nice and spacious too. If you guys take over the garage and the yard, I call dibs on the bath. There's a big problem though."

"What's that?"

"It's too huge for the three of us. There's like, four bedrooms, and two and a half bath. And I'm assuming AEGIS is just going to live in the garage anyway."

"Half...bath?"

"Never mind. Point being, I don't mind the money, obviously, but I do mind feeling like a hermit crab living in a bowling ball."

"So let's just board up the disused sections," I said with a shrug.

"AEGIS, you are definitely the best. But I am never going house shopping with you ever again. You are the worst at this."

"Because this is the worst! How people can have opinions on such insipid things is way beyond me. I was built to manage a global military force, I am exceptionally fine at making important decisions on the fly. But the fact so many people, an entire industry, dedicated to making these pointless choices, constantly?"

"Oof, I was going to say we should get some clothes after this, but I'm beginning to think that's a bad idea."

"Why, what's wrong with clothes?"

"Nothing. But, you on the other hand. You do realize, all clothes are functional, and vary only by a person's preference…?"

"Not all clothes. Some are warm, some are cold."

"I am imagining it now. I open your closet. On one side, a coat. On the other side, not a coat. This is everything in the closet."

"Uhh…" I tried to think of a rebuttal but couldn't.

"Look. You want to know the real reason girls waste so much time picking out and trying on clothes?"

"To throw money at a bottomless pit in an effort to improve their own perception of their fragile self-worth?"

"I mean, you could call it that, sure. But it's so that we look cute. Do you know who else likes it when girls look cute?"

"Other...girls?"

"Boys, dummy. Like Athan?"

Suddenly my image of my closet with only a coat and a not-coat seemed embarrassing and small, as Athan entered the scene. If we went on a d...da...da…

I'd have to dress up for it. That seemed only natural. Maybe a sundress, like my holo wore. But then he'd be sneaking peeks at my...well, I'd need to have some real undergarments, that went without saying. And then...after...we'd be at home, and I couldn't just stay in the same outfit I'd been out in all day, could I? So something more domestic, but still a little spicy, of course. Hmm, but what if we were going somewhere more formal? Like, a fancy resturaunt? I mean, I didn't eat, but I could still be his escort, I don't know if he'd enjoy that. But that was even more clothes. And then after...and what if...

My head began to spin, half with thoughts of Athan and how many clothes I would...or wouldn't...want to wear, which made me as dizzy as it did flushed, and half just kind of floundered around uselessly, unsure of what clothes even existed in the world outside of military uniforms.

"Lia, I need help," I finally concluded.

"Well, admitting it is the first step."

"I have no idea what to wear to seduce Athan." I leaned towards her, locking eyes with her. "You know him best. What kinds of things does he like? How can I be assertive, while still being conservative? I want to show off a little, but also don't want him staring, you know? But also I think it should accentuate my looks, but I also want it to look nice on its own. How do you reconcile all this? I don't understand. HELP ME."

Lia looked a little frightened, but also a little relieved.

"Oh thank God," she said. "I was worried everything in your life was just concrete and metal grating. At least you're a girl in there somewhere."

"I miss your reference," I said flatly.

"Never mind. Man, I've been saying that a lot. No wonder Athan kept telling me he'd explain things later. We'll go shopping first thing tomorrow. For now...this house. We have a couple more lined up, but I am so down to blow them off if we like this one for realsies. My feet are killing me."

"The issue being, this place is too big?"

"Yeah," Lia said, thoughtfully. "I have a thought, but I'm not sure what you guys will think."

"I'm fine with whatever. Just as long as I get my garage."

"People will probably walk through your garage, and we might even want to put a car in there at some point."

"There's a port in the back and a driveway for cars to park in. Garages are for AI, not cars."

"Never heard that one before, but sure."

She looked at Saga for a few seconds and then nodded. "Saga says she's onboard with my idea. But um, AEGIS. What's your opinion on roommates?"

"Uh, I have two of them, I thought."

"Yeah...well...we have four rooms. If you live in the garage, that leaves two rooms open. I know some people...good people, but just normal people...I could see if they'd be interested in living with us. But that's up to you."

"Why would we want that, again? Is this another concrete thing?"

"Sorta? It's also just...having life around. Things would get really quiet if I were just on my holo, and Saga's lying under a tree, and you're playing with machines. Other people coming and going makes life a lot more interesting. Never know when you'll get invited to a thing or make a new friend."

"I just build robots to do that for me."

"Yeah, well, not in a residential neighborhood you don't."

"Fair point. Very well, let's meet these prospective roommates of yours. I'm open to whatever."

"Sweet. Just a sec." She tapped around on her holo for a minute and then held her wrist near her head. I heard a faint click as someone picked up and then a girl screaming "LIA BABY!"

"Chiho! It has been way, way, too long. Uh huh. Uh huh. Yeah. Actually, I'm in town, and wanted to know if you and Subaru were around? Yes. Yes him. Oh, don't be such a eel. Yeah. I actually have two friends with me, and we...yes. No, girls." She glanced at us. "Um, yeah, kinda? I don't know, I don't swing that way. Yes. No. Easy, Chiho. Look, let's just meet up for dinner, we have a lot to talk about. No, no drinking, I've been back one day! Okay. Love ya too."

She hung up. Somehow that was even more disturbing than listening to half of her conversations with Saga, who apparently also saw fit to make a smartass remark at the moment, because Lia rolled her eyes and flicked her in the forehead.

"They sound...exuberant," I said with some hesitation, feeling that my opinion on the insipidness of houses may soon extend to a whole variety of new things.

"It'll be fine. We're meeting them for dinner in a couple hours. Want to buy something to get out of that junky tracksuit and-slash-or prison uniform, girls?"

"Hey, I made this tracksuit."

"Yes, in a hole in the ground in the middle of nowhere, and it shows. Ladies, let's get shopping. Remember, this is for looking cute for boys!"

Looking cute for boys, I thought, and noticed there was a hint of a blush on all three of our faces. That was something I could get behind...I guess...if Lia was really going to twist my arm on it.

Something I could really get behind. As much as I knew I would hate this, I was excited to do something normal for the first time in my life.