Across the over one hundred days I’ve been alive on Rayileklia, far too few of them have included waking up with Luni in my arms. Though waking up with Kinzul staring down lovingly at the two of us is a bit surprising. Gods every woman in this room is incredibly beautiful. Holy hell. I’m stunned as I gaze at the vision of radiance smiling down towards me.
Prinny chuckles telepathically from the seat she’s taken between Teuila and Farzhis on the sofa across from us. She seems to be enjoying herself, keeping her stepdaughter close, and Teuila closer. There’s only a hint of the lingering sadness eating away at her that plays across our telepathic wavelength. My smile droops wearily, sadly as my eyes wet, thinking about how much the two of them, mother and daughter-in-law, are hurting. Farzhis appears to be nursing a hangover as she strokes her temples. Moreover, her clothes have morphed into probably the most modest thing I’ve ever seen her wear, essentially a sweater and long woolen skirt. That’s not to say the sweater doesn’t accentuate her amazing curves, but I’m still proud of her for not feeling the need to leverage her appearance around us.
Gazing longingly at Prinrin, I don’t know how to approach her any longer. We’ve shared so much of ourselves with each other, but I don’t want to intrude on her grief or grieving process. I’ve seen her near death on several occasions, and I fear losing her, as she’s the smallest, most frequently targeted member of our most aggressive advance force. Teuila nods somberly my way, riding my mental wavelength, reading my thoughts. She has no advice to offer on the matter, but she sympathizes.
Thankfully, The Copper, Prinrin herself, has some thoughts, “Oh pay it no mind Schism sweetie, you wouldn’t be intruding at all dear. You’re quite welcome to come and go as you see fit in my little life, quite welcome indeed. I’d prefer the coming rather than the going though Schism sweetie if you catch my drift,” she pauses for the briefest of moments, virtually winking across our mental wavelength, letting the obvious innuendo sink in before continuing, “I’m at a loss how to feel about the loss of my sweet lad. I knew it was coming, but so soon is such a shock, it barely feels real. You made an apt comparison, apt indeed, when you noticed how instantly his light was snuffed, like a candle upon leaving a room. He must have been preparing himself for it, without wanting to worry me, for such a long time dear. To go out with such a smile on his face, and such joy in his eyes, oh it burdens this little runt’s heart so with joy and sorrow.”
I bite back my own mixed emotions, and my chiding I’d have given Prinrin for that little innuendo in the middle there. She knows it’s not biologically possible for me. She knows quite well. Still, it’s not like I don’t want to share intimacy with her, or like I haven’t already. She beams a smile my way that masks the pain beneath, and I flash her a sad smile in return. She is such a beautiful soul, an utter treasure of a person. If I weren’t under Luni, hemmed in by Kinzul, and beaten to the punch by Farzhis and Teuila, I’d have zipped to her side to offer her physical comfort as soon as I’d awoken.
Teuila smirks and sends a wink my way. I try not to roll my eyes, as she’s intentionally acting a bit like Linti, in a rather silly fashion. She’s offering comfort and consolation though rather than trying to steal love as it were. I wonder if Te still thinks she has a shot with Farzhis, and if she’d want to build that into something of a loving, supportive relationship, or if that was just an off-the-cuff comment when she was being rambunctiously sexy as Illy put it. Speaking of, I’m saddened that she didn’t spend the night with her mother, or, well, me of course.
Lucky whuffs sleepily from beside us, and Kinzul leans down to lovingly caress his skull. Bleary-eyed, I rub the sleep away with my free hand, one that I’d surreptitiously removed from where Lu had placed it, when I realized I’d awoken under a number of gazes. My other hand is trapped entwined with hers along her belly. Awaking like this is of course wonderful in so many ways.
I haven’t had a single private moment yet with my wife, but I also cherish every second with each of these people beloved to me. I try to disguise my sigh at this thought as a morning yawn, knowing I’d only gotten a few hours of sleep.
Telepathically, Kinzul teases, “I fear we won’t have much time for any private moments, however you’re imagining to spend them my love.”
My face reddens hot enough to bind matter at the molecular level. Every single woman in my life—! Before I can try to respond, smirking across her telepathic wavelength, Kinzul explains, “I’m also in fear that we shan’t hear back from Spymaster until late tomorrow at the very earliest, if she is even able to send word back along her subordinate line from on-site at the location of the disturbance in the Worldstorm. I worry that I’ve placed her in the way of great harm, but she knows and accepts the risks. Still, to be sent so deeply into Terrorzin’s lands, so early in the war—,” Kinzul sighs deeply, pausing, trying to still the sadness and worry rising within her before continuing, “There is much to do, we must meet with our strategists, and, and so much more. I can’t. I cannot keep this up my love, not any longer. I am so weary. Holding up the enchantments, the Order, the titles, battling, pushing aside emotions to deal with at a later date. Putting my beloved family into harm's way. It’s all too much. I despise the thought of letting anyone see me this vulnerable, should word find its way out to our enemies. You wouldn’t speak of it though, and for that, I thank you. Please, allow me this moment of weakness.”
Nodding, I agree that I wouldn’t speak of any of Kinzul’s secrets or vulnerabilities. She suddenly looks decades older before me, as she allows herself to appear vulnerable and weary, on her knees before me, stroking Lucky’s skull. Yet it only lasts for a moment. As Luni stirs, Kinzul’s radiant aura of vitality and assuredness returns. Oh my love. The strain you bear. I weep several tears but push my emotions aside. I can certainly empathize. Luni could too I imagine. To have so much responsibility, the fate of so many relying on you, perhaps as much as the world itself relying upon your course of actions—. As she said, it’s too much.
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Somehow, even with my walls up, Prinrin observed what transpired between me and Kinzul. She’s one of the most astute people I’ve ever met, at reading and parsing emotions through the simplest, subtlest of tells, and even comprehending what a series of emotions means. She knows how to stay mum about a secret however. Well, around everyone except for me apparently. She let loose many of her, and several of Kinzul’s, secrets over the short time we’d known each other. Apparently something about me, my face, my voice, my expressions, something exudes trustworthiness, and commands attention. I wonder if that’s my Duende score at work. On second thought, no, I don’t think any of my Can’Z’aasian passive stats have any sort of external effect on others.
I suppose I should simply be grateful that I’m able to instill that sort of confidence that I can keep things in good confidence. Actually, it might not be everyone that feels that way around me. Perhaps it is only emotionally intuitive people, those that can see I’m often lost deep in thought, riding a mental journey that likely holds as many secrets as they could ever tell me. I believe that is part of why Kinzul came to me on the battlefield. For some reason, from the moment I’d placed the first psychic bond on her, she’s kept her incoming walls down listening out for my internal monologue. Something about my thoughts intrigued her, or—. Well, I mean, we wed for a reason. We share ideals on a fundamental level. I don’t have the words for a name for the kind of love that comes along with the strong bond formed by sharing such intimate truths about ourselves.
What can I even say that begins to describe how unworthy I feel for all the happiness and love that surrounds me? How can I even begin to live up to the person I feel I need to be to deserve their kindness? I know, I know they’d berate me gently for this line of thought if my walls were down and they could hear it. It’s just—. Each of these people in my life that I share a connection with are special beyond words I can think or say. My beloved son, whom I took for granted for basically two lifetimes, still he chooses to be by my side, and feels the most happy when he senses Luni and I together.
Farzhis, a friend that I’m watching bloom into an amazing person, when she was already a confident, charming, driven lass. Her priorities became kinder, gentler, and she admitted failings that she had, that she wanted to no longer have, that she wanted help dealing with. That takes so much strength of character. I shed tears as I think on it. I’m beyond amazed at the growth she’s shown, and beyond destroyed at the loss she’s suffered. Her mother-in-law, Prinrin, suffered that same loss, and is also a being of immense strength of character.
I could, and would, dote on Prinrin, wanting to help her recover, wanting to share my love with her, wanting to console her about the death of her husband. I’d want to include Iylynila though, the two are important to each other. I suppose I can leave the comforting up to Illy. There’ll likely be teasing, and interplay, that Illy wouldn’t feel comfortable displaying around me now that we’re no longer together. They deserve to be at full comfort at all times, but especially now when both are recovering from losses, while both are grieving.
Lu and Te I need not even put to words how beloved, how precious, they are to me. We’ve been through everything together, across multiple timelines across multiple lifetimes. There’s something so very endearing about a love that literally transcends life and death. I mean, just imagine it. You think you’re tearfully saying your final farewells, and you feel yourself pulled apart at the molecular level, a screaming agony, and then find yourself hand in hand with—. I know. I know. I weep as I remember those discombobulated moments of arriving on Rayileklia. How fortunate I am that I came to this world with some of those that I love the most in all the universes.
As the tears begin to fall, they ramp up into a cascade. I’m so lucky. I’m so, so, so very lucky. I can never even begin to express my gratitude for the enduring love granted to me by my inner circle. I can’t begin to express my gratitude for Lil’s forgiveness, when we finally found one another again. I—. Oh Dawn. My heart sinks into the pit of my chest as my tears continue unabated. I was lucky to have you in my life, this one, for the short time I’ve existed, as much of it as I did. I never truly allowed myself to fully mourn her. I let myself be hurt, and then be numb, and then move on, but I made no mourning efforts. Then again, I never did for Har or Sal either. Nor for the thousands upon thousands of people and critterkin lost at Eimsas. Nor for the Chameleonfolk or Nagas that perished as a direct result of my ordering the timeline to occur exactly as it did.
Suddenly my stomach lurches, remembering the thousands and thousands of lives lost at basically my command, in order for my family to have a chance to survive. It’s only a chance. Then again, there is an apocalypse approaching—. No. I don’t get to do that. I don’t get to diminish their loss by assuming they’d have died anyway. I don’t get to be that selfish. I have to allow this to hurt. It was a choice I made in several timelines. I let so many lives be cut short. Hell, I basically ordered their culling myself almost. My stomach heaves at the thought.
Why is it like this? Why does my brain hit these patches where, even if I’m trying to be happy and grateful, suddenly I find myself torn asunder emotionally, wrecked, wracked with guilt? It’s depression Reggie. You know this. It’s technically intrusive thoughts. You don’t *have* to allow this to hurt. You are only punishing yourself. You think you deserve this right now, because of a chemical imbalance in your digital brain. You likely had a dopamine rush, then a serotonin reaction was either inhibited, or followed into a reuptake that—. How the hell do you know anything about neurochemistry? I blink several times, stunned at the question.
I try to grasp at straws in my digital databank of memories, but nothing tells me that I, or other Can’Z’aasian Critterkin, should know anything about neurochemical imbalances or any of the like. We could know the definitions of certain neurochemicals at a very basic level, just that they are neurochemicals, if we hear the words. Reggie? Mhm? Let it go. Huff. Heaving a sigh, I acknowledge that I should. The startling revelation helped keep me from spiraling, so I may as well be grateful for it and leave it at that.
Lu, Te, Lucky, somewhere else in Solace is Lil. We’ve made it this far together. Please, please let’s make it through this. All of us. All of us and our new friends and family. I’m begging everything that is good in the universe. Please let us make it through this.
Please.