I carefully stretch my muscles as much as I am able to while cuddling with Tiktik in the mini recovery-tent. Out of the refugees, the injured, wounded, and sick get preferential treatment for the coverage that tents and the like provide. One tiny favor I can do for her, is to leave the carriage with the refugees. It’s not like Teuila and I would be able to navigate it north anyway, since we’ll have to be swimming, or jumping over lakes. It has already been a bit of a hassle taking it this far, but the shelter it provides against Rayileklia’s constant acid rain is too important to give up, and more important for the Aasimovians and Tiktik than for us. Teuila and I can mudcamp.
I know the refugees will have a hard time making use of it as well, since they’ll probably have to abandon it aboveground, and hope that it isn’t destroyed come morning, or whenever they set off to leapfrog to the next dugout. It’s not like our carriage is the only one that that’ll happen to though. There are a fair number of them, throughout the caravan.
Tiktik nudges me, as she gives me a cheeky grin. I raise an eyebrow, so she teases, “Really Tiger, we share our first romantic kiss, a good one at that, and you’re thinking about mudcamping and carriages? I’m hurt.” Tiktik dramatically rests the back of her hand against her forehead in a fake swoon for emphasis, before dropping the facade and giggling.
I can’t fight the smirk that battles its way across my face, as it slowly becomes a grin accompanied by a half laugh. I shake my head incredulously, though whether that’s at Kitten’s overdramatic teasing, or my own thought train, I’m not quite certain. It’s probably both. Kitten playfully nudges me a bit harder, then leans up to plant a kiss on my cheek. She lets her toothy grin allow her fang to scrape my cheek ever so slightly during the kiss. I can’t help blushing furiously as I try to make sense of my jumble of emotions.
Tiktik complains, “I wish we had more time. I don’t know all of what happened with Big Tee back in the canyon, or what’s all going on. I can tell you’re both still dealing with some heavy things internally. I wish I could be there for you two, for that. It hurts to think that we’re splitting up, right when you guys maybe need me the most.”
I nod, and gulp as I try to fight myself to keep from sniffling. Tiktik has no such compunction, and sniffles while rubbing her nose into my chest. It would be a lot easier to process our emotions if we had a loving companion, or friends and family, for sure. Kitten’s sort of right, that now is when we emotionally need her the most, because we’re both vulnerable, and both ready to tackle some of our grief.
I try to explain about Teuila’s current emotional state, “Te, she, she’s a hero. She’s truly, utterly a hero. Olashax, the ice dragon, he was faster than Teuila. You know how one of her abilities is being able to leap, incredibly fast, backed by immense strength? She gets all of her acceleration in an instant, as she’s leaving the ground. That translates to a terribly massive amount of force. You know, even with her low mass, times the acceleration.”
I take a breath so I can continue, as my voice wavers due to my quivering bottom lip, “Anyway, Olashax saw her lunging, and he put innocent people in her way, when she had no way to slow down or turn, because she was in the air. He grabbed and held kobolds in her path, more than just using them as living shields, but using them as scaly, fleshy sponges to absorb her attack. It was the most devastating thing he could have done to her, and she broke down. She shut down mentally and emotionally right there. She crashed to the ground and was so out of it that she was going to let him eat her. I almost lost her in two ways, in an instant.”
I gulp back sticky saliva, and barely manage, “In a way, how I lost Dawn at the end was similar. Dawn’s senses were leaving her, so she couldn’t even be sure that I stayed with her, that I kept holding her til the end. Then she was erased, eradicated, and her memories were nearly stolen from us. Any one of those things would have been terrible enough, but all of it? My heart tears itself to shreds when I think of it. The same goes for the thought that Teuila might not emotionally recover from Olashax’s devious act, or that she might have been taken from me, lost her life.”
Tiktik offers, “Maybe, maybe tell me about her? Your friend, your companion that you lost before me?”
I ponder for a good long while, as Tiktik presses firmly against me, seemingly inching higher and higher along my body the entire time. Before I know it, we’re resting with our lips and noses touching. The smile that plays across my face pulls my lips lightly away from hers, but the pout that crosses her face returns our lips to an equilibrium of tentatively touching each other. Kitten’s breath warms my cheeks and lips against Rayileklia’s constantly gloomy, cool air. We both breathe slowly, trying to take in what comfort we can amidst the chaos, for the short time we have left.
I start off, “Dawn was a forgotten woman. Some called her the ghost of Autumn Brook’s past. It was true in a way. She was a friend of Aces, the ageless assassin from Vale Valley. Back then, she was hiding her femininity, going by gender neutral pronouns, until later, when she realized she could trust us to, well—. When she realized she could trust us to not act on lust and try to pressure her, that’s when she really opened up to friendship with us. With me anyway. I think she took to treating Teuila like an annoying kid sister that’s too clingy, fairly quickly.”
Tiktik chuckles, causing a puff of her sweet breath to land amidst my open mouth, and I blush for a moment, closing my mouth momentarily. I’m almost surprised at the flavor, or scent of her breath, but then again, she is Fae. We’ve shared kissing on the lips now, but we haven’t gone quite so far as to share a kiss more intimate than that, so the nature of our current position has my heart fluttering with anticipation. Even if I’m not trying to steer things that way, or even actively avoid things going that direction. Kitten’s mischievous grin enlightens me that whichever way I subconsciously want things to go will probably come to light, sooner rather than later, so I blush furiously.
Trying to distract myself, I continue, “Dawn was smart, and kind. When she was going for androgyny, she was cute in some fashion. I find it hard to describe someone, without falling back on describing their overall appearance. I do have to admit, that after she revealed her femininity, she certainly had womanly charms. If she wanted to present herself as such, she’d have been exquisite, lovely. As is, she was a bit rough-and-tumble, but adorable. Her agelessness left her with a perpetual youthful charm. She was hopeful, and, after a time, trusting. I—. I let her down. More than anything, I failed her. I still don’t know how to have stopped the curse. I can hardly parse my emotions about the whole thing. Rage at the celestial dickweasel, fury at myself, despair, longing for the friendship that we’d formed, and so much more.”
Tiktik utters a whisper, “I’m sorry you lost her.”
Tiktik’s sympathy hits home, as I feel how unfair the loss of Dawn was, and how little it made sense. I nod in agreement, accidentally dragging my lips up and down across Kitten’s. She grins as my heart flutters from the motion. I know that at this point in time, she’s entirely playing this up to tease me, but—.
Tiktik argues, “Not entirely. Remember what I told you before? In the canyon?”
My heart aches, knowing that there’s yet another person I could be in love with on Rayileklia, that I would be abandoning when I finally found a way to get back home to my family. Tiktik takes her turn nodding, dragging our lips up and down. I gulp for a number of reasons, and am then forced to whet my lips. I try to avoid Tiktik’s lips as I gulp in apprehension. I want to spare our hearts any further attachment. I know Kitten’s fears, I know her desires, and where we rank among them. I yearn to be able to just give myself over to that, and shut out the rest of the responsibilities, and fears. My heart races as we lock eyes. I could so easily spend our last hours together in passion, but I worry that the yearning would be all that much more hurtful when we parted ways.
Tiktik mutters, “I know Tiger. Thank you. For letting me feel loved. Wanted. Even for just a little while.”
Tiktik kisses my cheek, and her face retreats from its precarious position, to rest against my neck. I embrace her tightly while stroking her back and her head through her mass of luxurious hair. Drawing a quick breath, I sigh just as quickly, and I’m unsure which emotion even caused the sudden exhalation. The two of us begin to rest in bursts, falling asleep for a few dozen minutes at a time. Neither of us wants to give up our last hours together to sleep, but we both need the rest.
Teuila returns after having spent several hours with the kobolds, and there are tears in her eyes, but her body language says not to ask, not yet. Instead, we make room for her in the tiny amount of space we have available, and Teuila embeds herself between us, wrapping herself around Tiktik. Teuila’s own version of goodbye follows the passionate route that I couldn’t risk giving myself over to. I blush, gulp, and turn away, offering what little privacy I can by trying to fall back to sleep. I fight to remind myself that this isn’t a goodbye, it’s a “see you later,” but the passion beside me is proof of how afraid each of us is that that isn’t the truth.
Around a mouthful of Tiktik’s lips, my silent sonar reads Teuila’s lips as she mumbles, “Tiki, you gotta get well. Get better. You gotta. Promise.”
My silent sonar then indicates that Tiktik nods silently in response. Sometimes, I regret having the sense, since it feels almost invasive. I’m too afraid to remove the danger wraps though. I feel naked, defenseless, vulnerable without them, without the extra sense. After having been blind several times in my life, and having had only half the range on my silent sonar for a long time, when I’d given away the one danger wrap, I can’t bring myself to take them off for more than an instant.
I wish I’d elicited the same promise from Tiktik that Teuila just did, urging her to get well. I want her to be safe, and healthy, and happy. I almost regret choosing the road of less passion, I know that I could still give in, but I’m trying to harden my weary heart. I fear I may literally die of heartbreak if I allow myself to feel even a sliver more attachment than I already do for such a cherished friend. I don’t know if I’ve told them yet, but I realized that Kozzurth’s dragonforce is holding off a literal heart attack, and that when it vanishes, that the held-off heart attack will be how I die.
Kitten reaches around the writhing of Teuila to paw at my shoulder in comfort. Teuila pauses her affection and I sense the thermal fluctuations as the heat in the miniature tent skyrockets as she blushes at my train of thought. Sorry Te, if I could shut my brain off, I would do so to give you some privacy.
Teuila grumps, “It’s not that. I’ll never need privacy from you Air. Not really. I’m just torn is all. I’m worried about the time you have left, and worried about not seeing Tiki again. I don’t know whose lips to bury myself in. But, well, yeah, it’s kind of embarrassing to hear a running commentary, I guess.”
Tiktik and I wrap Teuila tightly in our arms from either side. None of us is certain which of us needs the most comfort, and we’ll all be hurting and longing for one another soon enough. I can’t bring myself to initiate the conversations that would let us speak the unspoken words we have for one another. I can barely bring myself to accept that we’ll be parting in a few short hours. It almost doesn’t make sense to part, though I know we have to.
Through a mouthful of Teuila’s hair that flopped down into my face, I mutter, “Te’s right, you’ve gotta get well Kitten. Feel better. Soon.”
The two nod their agreement as I slow my breathing and try my best to send my brain far away. I work to contemplate the far off reaches of Rayileklia, the inner workings of the paths of destiny that have been set out before us. If I can just find a path that I’m certain of, one that I know will guide us back to one another one day, I’ll reach out and grasp it, and hold onto it with everything that I am, everything that I have. If anyone could make sense out of a swirling mess of destinies, it’s Luni, I’m sure of it. With a modicum of luck, we’ll be reuniting with her soon. We’ll have so much to catch up on, and I’ll have so little time to do it.
I find myself barely able to picture her face. It has been months since we saw each other last. Worse, I find myself scrambling to be able to picture Laomati, Agwai, Linti, Fawns At Sunsets, and so many more faces that are utterly beloved to me. It’s as if there isn’t enough space in my brain to retain all the memories that I cherish. As if I were at risk of my memories wiping themselves away—. Oh. I try to still the rushing of my heart, and to fight the shallowness of my breathing to breathe deeper, slower. So many of the mysteries are beginning to collide, and starting to make sense, and now I know that I have to fear making sense of them. It’s not fair. I blink back tears as I slowly fall asleep in a mess of tangled limbs, as the three of us struggle to grasp each other tightly, fearing letting go for even the briefest of the few moments we have left.