Gulping down sadness, I feel the life passing from her form as Qlaxianna allows herself to perish, to stop fighting the few, but devastating injuries she’s taken. I sit atop her breast, patting her chest scales as if I could comfort her in this last dying instant. I wish I could take it back. I wish I didn’t do—, hadn’t done this. I feel a bit like Lil now. I don’t really want to desecrate her body to get at, and feast on her dragonforce. Friggin’ hell. Ugh, this is so brutal of me. It’s going to take me minutes of prying at a chest scale to even get to some flesh I can hack through to dig towards her heart.
I suppose I am pretty low on blood myself. I guess I should go through with it, and imbibe and ingest her blood and heart. We managed to secure one without me needing to eat it, while still claiming a dragonforce. That was Deviltail’s I think. I probably still should have eaten it, but I want to try some alchemy that I’ve been learning, as well as some enchanting. Ugh, I feel so heartless, brutalizing corpses for parts. That—. That’s ironic. Crap on a cracker. This can’t be how things normally go.
Pft, hah, no duh Reggie. Nothing about this whole situation is normal. You’re some weird glitchy Can’Z’aasian Changeling Fae, with some sort of Fel form that you’ve been reincarnated into from recently dying. You have a need for, and ability to consume dragonforces, and, and just so much more insanity on top of all that! Huff. Whatever. Should I offer a sign of trust by not going to check in on the Triple L Squad, or should I go back before harvesting Qlaxi’s dragonforce? Ugh, don’t give her nicknames bud, it’s only going to make you feel worse. I know! It was an accident. It’s easier to say shorter names, err, think them. I know bud, I know.
Sighing, I do decide to show trust to Luni and Lucky, letting them handle the ancient Blue. Plus, Lil’s probably done with the adult Ices by now too, so he can help them if they want or need help. As expected, it’s taking me minutes to even pry off a scale, or even loosen one enough to get far enough under it to be able to dig at flesh. I could engage my Honoris Causa again, but that feels like a waste of dragonforce for something that can be done with a little effort, and elbow grease. Plus, oddly, I’m in no rush to consume Qlaxianna’s dragonforce, or desecrate her body any swifter than I already am. In some small way, I’m trying to seek solace in pretending I’m partaking of her company, rather than robbing her dead body of its essence.
Why does it have to be like this? Why’d she have to scream attack, instead of just offering an explanation? Why did I retaliate so brutally and swiftly? Are we predisposed to assuming everything is life or death? I know I was pissed, and wrath was leaking forth, when I imagined that she might have killed some of the refugees, but—. There’s no way for her to have known that if I’d seen her feel remorse, that I would have been on her side. I was coming across as a brutal, always-victorious conqueror, demanding perfection. This is my fault.
Sighing, I sit upon Qlaxianna’s bare breast, one scale peeled away, and I drop my face into my hands to mourn. The sorrow hits me full force, though I can’t weep, as much as I’d like to. Between being low on fluids from donating blood, being inside a volcano, and on top of a Fire’s corpse, I’m a tad dehydrated. Still, that’s not exactly the whole story either. I almost wish Qlaxianna had flirted with Lil more, and chased him romantically. I like to see Lil happy, and he seemed to be enjoying talking to her. I’m more upset with having stolen that possibility from Lil, I think, than most anything else about the situation. Maybe. I guess a lot of the reasons mingle together in importance towards my grief.
I’d beg her forgiveness if I could. I’d at least go back a few moments to converse, to listen to her tale, as she lay dying, instead of floating numbly nearby. I did her such a disservice. What can I even do to reconcile this act with how I want to be, and who I want to be? With who I want to perceive myself as? There are only so many ways one can interpret killing someone, and none of them seem adequate in this situation. Sighing, I rub my itchy eyes, trying to remind myself that her ordering her subordinates to attack us implied her guilt, her complicity, in taking the lives of some of the refugees. If I can at least make myself angry at Qlaxi, I might be able to move on for now.
Finally, as I’m about to start really hacking away at Qlaxi’s chest, Lil arrives and asks, “Hey partner, need some help with that?”
Chuckling, rolling my eyes, and heaving an exhausted sigh, I nod to Lil, who thankfully opens a wide path through Qlaxianna’s chest cavity for me. He mumbles to the corpse, “Sorry hottie. Told you no bad people get away from Rej. We’ve gotta get done, and go home because they’re under siege. It was nice talking to you. You seemed like you maybe could have been fun, if you weren’t also evil. I dunno. This time it was weird, because you don’t follow Terrorzin, so I’m not sure how I feel right now. I guess I kinda thought only bad people followed Terrorzin, and only Terrorzin’s followers were bad people. I guess I see why Rej is always struggling, asking people if they’re good, or willing to be good. Rej really is a hero, even if they hate people calling ‘em that other than Gal-Pal. I sorta think of myself as one too, kinda, some days. Just not the same type as Rej. Just never really thought as much about good and bad. Home, on Can’z’aas, my first home, it was eat or be eaten, y’know? There’s no good or bad, there’s just survival. Then we started making friends, and family, and suddenly what’s good is important, because it means being nice and being treated nice, and family being safe. Anyway, sorry again hottie.”
Blushing at having overheard Lil’s seemingly private admission, I try to immerse myself in absorbing Qlaxi’s dragonforce. Stop that you goon, stop giving in to giving her a nickname. I can’t help it after Lil goes and calls her hottie repeatedly, of course I’m going to use Qlaxi. Sighing, I try to keep my attention focused on the heart that I’m eating, but my brain is all over the place.
Lil mutters to me, “Hey pal, partner, um. I kinda meant for you to hear Rej, sorta, maybe. I dunno. I guess maybe I thought you’d be able to help me figure out my feelings, like you’re always doing for my It’s-A-Secret.”
Gulping for several reasons, I nearly choke as I try to immediately answer, “Yes, of course, yes Lil, always, any time. I love you beyond most anything or anyone. Anything you need help with. Is, is it about the good and evil, good and bad stuff?”
There’s a hint of shame as Lil nods my way, from outside Qlaxi’s chest cavity. I try to assuage him, “There’s nothing to be ashamed of, you were honest, and true to yourself. Good and bad were different, like you said. It’s only my buggy Fakeworld memories that give me a different perspective than other Can’Z’aasians. Even that is only morality as mostly defined by one society in one section of Fakeworld in one era of its history. I’m sorry that I’m always asking you to let me do things my moral way, instead of asking what your morals say pal. I’m no one’s lesson on perfect morality. I feel like crap for doing that to you now that I realize what I’ve been putting you through. I’m sorry Lil.”
Half scoffing, half chuckling, Lil rolls his eyes as he responds, “Doofus, I don’t need you to apologize for being right. Just, just thanks for always being willing to to do things, and look at things, and hear things out. You’re the best friend, and parent, and dragon-pal that a little dragon could ask for, and more! I just, I guess I was just wondering how you do it. But then I remembered, or realized, you kinda don’t. It eats you up, doesn’t it? That sucks pal. That mega sucks, mega mega mega sucks. What are you supposed to do with that?”
Phooph. Hell of a question Lil, hell of a question. I answer as best I can, “It’s rough, yeah, it does eat me up. Even if I want to be the most right, and the most good in my own eyes, sometimes the choices are hard, or aren’t clear. I make mistakes. I make mistakes on things that I feel are hugely important sometimes, things that I massively regret. The only way I can keep moving forward, is to focus on keeping moving forward, if that makes sense. If I let myself overthink in the moment, of what the right choice is, or if I start to think too much about the wrong choices I’ve made in the past, or maybe not wrong, but regretful ones, then I’ll get trapped in my head, and, well, yeah. That’s when it’d definitely start eating me up inside again even more.”
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Pausing a beat, I figure I should lay out one of the examples, “Like, there was this salmon-pink colored Draconiac lady who was one of a few trying to psychically dominate Fenric. I slew a bunch of them quickly, but one, I saw the fear and sadness in her eyes, the desire to live, but I killed her or let her die anyway. I can’t really come to grips with it. I can rationalize it, it was the heat of battle, she was someone who if I let go on the battlefield could maybe even have turned the tide against us by sneaking off, and on and on, but the could haves and should haves and would haves will eat me up forever if I don’t just stop and look at the next step in front of me. When I get to that next step, I have to focus on the next one, and the next.”
Thinking momentarily about how I sometimes sound or maybe brag to others, I add, “I mean, sometimes I pretend like I’m looking dozens, hundreds, thousands of steps ahead or something. Those times when I get absorbed in plans and ideas, but really they’re just single next steps, for some future point, that I need to get to. So I have to focus on getting there. Each time, each step, I try to make the next choice that feels the most right, the most good. It’s not easy, but few things are. There’s entire schools of thought surrounding this stuff, like moral versus ethical duty, and so on. There isn’t even one agreed ruling of what’s good and what’s bad in every situation. I mean, in a deontological thought process, you’re using rules for morality of each individual action itself. In a teleology, or uh teleological thought process, you’re considering the end-goals or results of those actions. You kinda sorta can’t satisfy both. If killing is bad, but killing stops other killings, saving lives, then—. Get it? Like, if you’re in a position to save lives, by taking action, and ending someone else’s life, but you *don’t* do it, then you made a choice and took an action that still technically ended lives. In one school, the actions might be good or bad, or at least right or wrong, but in the other, they might be necessary to provide a good or bad, or right or wrong outcome. All I really want to tell you about you and your feelings Lil is that they’re valid, and you are good. You’ve always been good, and always will be good. You’re the best bud a weird lost little creamy green souled goof could ask for.”
Beaming with pride, Lil deigns to enter the chest cavity to nuzzle me as he exclaims, “Rej pal, you’re so smart, and good with talking, and feelings. You’re such a hottie now too, more dragon than ever. Can I kiss ya?”
My smile tells Lil enough as he shifts forms for us to be able to embrace. I’m a bit embarrassed to be kissing Lil after having just swallowed what I know he thinks of as sacred dragon flesh, but he’s been adjusting his worldview in order to fit me into it. While Lil and I kiss, I realize Lil hasn’t had much experience kissing in passionate ways. I can’t help grinning a bit as he blushes before he pulls away, to mumble a few things and scratch the back of his head.
Trying to keep my chuckling to myself, I offer, “If Ixeyla the other night was where you got your practice, I can totally understand. It’s all good pal. Everything’s okay between us. I love you as much as I always have, and always will. Nothing has to change with us, or everything can, if that’s what you need, or anywhere in-between. Best buds for life, even if that’s immortal eternity.”
Lil cracks a grin and nods before nudging me to remind me that I’m done with this dragonforce, and have more to claim. After he returns to his form, he offers me a lift back to the hoard room, but I cheekily, almost jokingly quip, “Race ya. You get a three second headstart! Three, two, one.”
Unable to keep myself from grinning and chuckling as Lil takes off like a gleeful rocket, I walk over to the wall that is fairly near the far end of the tunnel, and begin to stonemeld through it. Stepping through on the other side is still an unpleasant sensation, but I might be able to get used to it with some practice. It’s worth it to see Lil look astounded as he rounds the corner and catches me sauntering back to the hoard room ahead of him. He looks back around the corner then back towards me again, and yells, “Cheater!”
Heh. Gnawing on the insides of my cheeks to try to suppress my grin, I await Lil at the entrance to the hoard room. He bowls me over, giggling like a goof. Through a mouthful of dragonslobber as Lil licks my face, I playfully joke, “Neither of us won, we entered at the same time. Also, what is it with my family and licking me?”
Lil just grins and helps me up, shrugging about people licking me. He aids me in claiming the four other hearts, and dragonforces available, simply ferrying me around and rending scales and flesh at my request, despite his own discomfort with bodies, corpses in general. I lean down to hug the back of Lil’s neck as tightly as I can from atop him, trying to impart all my love for him into the motion. He means worlds to me. Wiping several tears from my eyes, I check on Lu and Lucky. Luni seems subdued, but fine, and Lucky is his usual mostly-jovial self, especially as he keeps nudging Luni closer and closer to me every time I move.
Almost afraid to ask, I begin to form a query, but Luni beats me to it, “I’m actually okay, really really. It’s just, it’s weird. Being scared, but doing things anyway. I’ve done it a few times, and it’s always weird. I don’t think it’ll ever stop being weird. It’s part of why I’m so proud of you, and so proud of Lil. You both always fight for us, always, no matter how scary the odds. Yes Lucky, I’m proud of you too boy, settle down, Reggie’s right here. We don’t need to get any oof, closer. Hi sweetie.”
Blushing and chuckling, I can’t fight my overly-wide smile as Luni is the one sent toppling into me for once. Seriously, the smile keeps getting wider and I can’t stop it, like trying to control the muscles is a quivering, quaking effort, to no avail. Luni shrugs, grins, and presses up firmly against me. I have to laugh as Lil is standing around in his human form, and he gets bowled over as he gets licked by Lucky’s enormous tongue for once. Lil seems indignant, but none of us can keep from laughing.
Sighing, I try not to make too much note of the regrets I hold as I finish siphoning dragonforces, eating hearts, drinking blood, and packing away the gems I recognize as being from Can’Z’aas, along with a little more, to return to the refugees. I snag the few things that shine with the brightest magical auras as well, but don’t have the heart to even identify what I’m pilfering from Qlaxi’s hoard right now. I hope that in some small way, that I can somehow honor her, by having one of these trinkets help us defeat Terrorzin. Her last request was for him to fall, and if I can make it so that she was a part of that, it might work in some small regard to be part of a penance I can pay towards my guilt at taking her life.
As I finish absorbing the third ancient’s dragonforce though, something flashes within me, brightly. That warmth, that glow within me is attempting to share new information. Huh, apparently I am at ten dragonforces obtained, of high enough power or quality, to be able to increase my Caliber, despite having had several get burned up, used up, or disappear. It feels like, despite Kozzurth’s dragonforce having been gone before I received my titling and Honoris Causa, that somehow each new dragonforce of a certain tier of power shapes that part of me.
Deeply within me on some spiritual level, my inner dragon-self resides alongside my inner Changeling Fae, not just the aegis that protects that part of me from mana residue. Ancient dragonforces shape and mould my form, driving it towards, well, perfection of my form I suppose. Not that I think my form would ever be perfect in any way, but each dragonforce should always increase it in beneficial ways. I mean, each ancient dragonforce that fully counts anyway.
The two adult dragonforces mostly just paid for my expenditures from this fight, and maybe some of what I’d lost from Deviltail’s, but the three ancients were apparently elder enough, or evil enough, or something, that they counted. I’m sitting at well-over three thousand days worth of survival from dragonforce yet again. I mean, not that I recall being at this exact number previously, I just mean that I’m back up over a couple thousand.
I feel a bit like a yo-yo, or rubberband. My dragonforce rockets up and gets blown away in an instant, repeatedly. Still, it’s exciting reaching a new Caliber, and tantalizing being closer to my cure. Regardless, let’s get the heck out of here while I parse this information, shall we? Thankfully, my beloved friends in the Triple L Squad are just as eager to leave.