While I’m considering something that might be blasphemous to Lil, I hear him almost hemming and hawing before he asks, “Erm, Reggie, pal? Do you um, well. I know you’ve got lots of plans today, and like, maybe always. Do you think maybe you could fit some time to maybe help me get a mind brain psychicy connectiony thing to Ixey?”
I was worried for a moment he’d be upset at the idea of using dragon parts. As I’m about to respond to Lil, Ixeyla, apparently riding my mental narrative somewhere nearby, excitedly pleads, “Is—, did Lil just ask that!? Yes oh yes oh yes please please please please. Schism, I’m begging you. If my prince, erm, I mean, if my Sun, erm, uh, if Sun, needs, I mean if you, crap. I’m brain-tied. Please, just please? I won’t even tease you about how fast you’re moving in with Princess, building her a home right next to yours, setting her up with fancy digs.”
While I *was* about to reassure Ixey that I’ll make adding a bond between her and Lil my top priority, I’m now barely maintaining my telekinetic flight as I cough, choke, and sputter. Nala flashes concern my way, before she parses what’s been going on in my head. She offers a droll eyeroll, and looses a terse half-chuckle to herself at my mental misfortune. The implication that I in any way, shape, or form, am harboring any sort of romantic, or infatuatory feelings for Leezahna are just, bleugh. I think of her like a spoiled niece who lost her father, that I’m stuck making sure she grows up to be less of a dick. Sure, I understand she’s a lovely young lady, but for crap’s sakes, just ick. I’m a million times more likely to make advances on Farzhis tha—.
Whoops. Apparently Farzhis is between moments of despondency, in one of her moments of clarity and lucidity in which she’s capable of riding my mental wavelengths. Before she can respond telepathically as I feel her emotions congesting over hearing my thoughts, I quickly reassure her, “Sorry, sorry, that line of thought was just awkward. A million times nearly zero is still nearly zero. I’m, I’m not going to—, I mean, you’re absolutely wonderful, and lovely, and I’m proud of you, and I love you very much sweetling, but—. Ugh. What I mean is—. Someone help me out here.”
Giggling, Lil calls back, “Hehe, nuh uh buddy, you can dig that foot out of your own mouth. I ain’t going near it with a ten foot pole.”
While I’m facepalming, Teuila and Luni are similarly giggling and agreeing with Lil. Returning my attention to Farhzhis, I try to finish reassuring her, “I don’t want you to ever feel like I’m playing some sort of mind games with you, or long game manipulation, or pressuring you or taking advantage of you. I truly, truly only want you to find your own happiness at your own pace. Blue. And, if there’s anything I can do to facilitate that, I’ll do my best to help out. I apologize for letting myself get worked up over a silly insinuation that I’ve a strong distaste for, and that that distaste decided to use you as an example. Erm, not that I find you distasteful, or that I even find the idea of being with you—. Huff, I’m going to stop while I’m possibly ahead. I hope you can forgive me.”
Cracking half a smile telepathically, and loosing a soft, dry chuckle, Farzhis responds in her delightful accent that skips the tees and dees near the end of most words, “’Sokay Schism. Thanks. You’re no’ my type, like I sai’. I’m no’ sure how to explain it, bu’ wha’ we have feels nice. I like you thinking highly of me. Maybe makes me feel a little prou’ of myself. Also a little safer. I know you protec’ everyone, maybe equally, bu’, well, I know how fierce you are abou’ the people you love. So, um. Thanks is all. Don’t worry abou’ comparing me to Dimineros. I’ll jus’ take it as flattery. She’s a whelp compare’ to me, bu’ a pretty young thing, I ge’ it. I’m gla’ you’re trying to steer her righ’ too.”
Grateful for my reprieve from foot-in-mouth syndrome, bleugh, that really needs a different name. Erm, anyway, grateful for my reprieve, I return to addressing Ixey, “Yes, definitely. Please, come down to Mount Verdimenn if you have time, we’ll be doing a lot of magic and enchanting work and strategy and so on. I’ll prioritize your bond with Lil before I let myself spend all of my magic for the day.”
There’s a smugness to Ixey’s response, “Already most of the way there Schism. Princess wants to show off her new digs. Can’t say I’m impressed by *all* of her chosen company. I hope you know what you’re doing, vouching for her. But, um, really? Really really really really really? And, and you won’t butt in, right? Can it be just private between me and Lil?”
Though I’m tempted to tease Ixey, due to how often she’s a tad hostile to me, I respond truthfully, “When I cast the spell, for the next hour or two, I’ll be part of the bond. However, since I’ll only be placing the permanency enhancement enchantment on you and Lil, it’ll wear off and I’ll drop out of your bond after that point. You’ll have your private bond,” I can’t help teasing ever so slightly as I add, “with your prince.”
I’m fairly certain Ixey doesn’t even feel like my addition was a tease, because I can sense her melting mentally as she imagines her private bond with Lil. It’s a good thing that she chose the less-intimate bond, because wow, even on the lower emotional wavelength, the amount of koff, lust, koff, that she’s putting out is insane. Anyway, enough of that distraction. I don’t need to know about Lil’s private entanglements unless he chooses to share that with me specifically.
Hastening my descent with Nala as I return back towards Mount Verdimenn, I spy Lucky’s mental avatar loafing in our thinkspace once again. He looks mildly despondent. I wish I knew what to do for him. I make sure he’s aware of my presence telepathically, and he seems to acknowledge me with a look before settling his head back on his paws. I sit my telepathic avatar next to Lucky’s in lotus position, and lean my forehead towards his. Thankfully he gently headbutts me so that we can rest our foreheads together.
Deeply intent on listening to anything Lucky’s trying to communicate, I can vaguely make out, “Worry, worried, worry. Parent smells scared. Parent scared for other parent? Smells like. Digging and fighting, fighting soon? Fighting soon, gotta protect parent. Also have to protect other parent? Parent thinks so? Maybe? Parent worried, so gotta protect other parent? Other parent strong. New powers, all. Mine too. New powers, stronger, clothes, things, armors. Other parent loves me. Lots of proof. Other parent wants me to have more armors, and more things. Things are nice, they mean worry, worry means love. Just want parent and other parent safe. Wish they could talk right, but just want them safe. Want them close. Want them together.”
I choke on a sob that had been building as I worked my way through listening to Lucky’s mind. He’s not just intelligent, but intuitive. He doesn’t understand everything I say all the time, or likely everything anyone says all the time. I can’t seem to just talk to him, nor hear everything he’s thinking or trying to say all the time either. I don’t know how to bridge the gap. I don’t know how to be the parent he deserves. Sniffling, I rub my eyes as they wet and itch, before I devolve into fully crying.
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As far as I can tell, the only thing Lucky really wants from me, from life, is for me and Luni to be together and safe. For us to not be worried, for us to be happy together. I can’t give him that until this war is over. It’s not fair to him. He’s never really asked for anything, and he’s always done anything we’ve ever needed or wanted of him. I draw a ragged breath and rub my wet eyes once more. He has to make it through all this so I can give him what he wants. I need to do everything in my power to ensure that. Lu has to make it through too. Somehow, as much as I worry about her fragility in combat, and her likelihood of taking injury, I feel like if any of us would make it through this, it’s her.
I’m pretty certain I’ll come out the other side of this, one way or another. But the more powerful I can get between now and then, the more of my allies, my loved ones, my family I’ll be assured of likely making it with me. It feels selfish, and conceited, to believe that my power and my growth are so pivotal to the survival of others, but it also feels true. Sighing slowly, raggedly, I try to clear my mind, so that I can reorient on the present.
What was it that coping-me said to me? Don’t get so caught up focusing on the end goal that I can’t be present where I’m needed? Something like that. Gods my brain is swiss-cheese. How can I not remember what I said to myself to comfort and cope for myself, if it was truly me? Blurgh. I’m not sure I can afford the cognitive dissonance that might come with trying to suss this out.
Right, we’re here. Let’s give Nala a sketch, and some—. Heaving a sigh, I try to listen towards what sounds like an emotional disturbance in some nearby wavelengths. Someone’s pleading, “—shm. I, I didn’t know how much it would be. Please, please take it, take it somewhere. I don’t need all this. I get it. I get it. It’s for everyone. I didn’t know it could even be like this. I don’t want them to find out. Please gutt—, I, I mean Ixey. Please help me out here. They’ll kill me, or my family. Or, or exile us.”
Rolling my eyes, I can guess probably almost exactly what happened. I’m sure Leezahna tried to convince some of the volunteers that I told her that she could have whatever she wanted, or something, maybe not quite so over the top. They likely shrugged and started delivering whatever she asked, and she had no idea just *how much* material we’re working with. Thankfully, Ixey sounds like she’s trying to calm Leezahna down rather than play into her fear. I’m not sure if I should make my presence known immediately, or after Ixey has had some time to work on this. Sighing, I figure it’s probably better to address problems and problematic behaviors as soon as possible, so I head in the direction of Leezahna’s new home.
I drop Nala near the craftsworks as I head towards the disturbance. Of course there’s stacks of baskets full of gems at the entryway to her home. Why am I not surprised? As I round the corner, Leezahna shrieks, and—. Wow. I don’t think I’ve inspired that much terror in someone since, um, was it Priss? I don’t remember the last person who wet themselves out of fright because of me. It might have been one of the Derbrightmine dwarves. Leeza’s crying, blubbering, and pleading something. I sit patiently, cross-legged in mid-air, and I flash a sad half-frown towards Ixey as I try to express my gratitude towards her.
Leezahna seems to regain enough of her faculties to plead her case, “Sch-koff, gulp, Schism. Um, um, there was, I, maybe a misunderstanding. I, um, I said I knew you, and, and, I. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I thought, maybe a handful to, to be able to entertain, a, a bit lavishly, in, in order to, to, I—. To get them to like me again. They ran away, again. I—.”
Interrupting Leezahna, I put my hands forward placatingly, whispering and cooing, “It’s okay. I mean, it’s not. Abusing a possible friendship of mine to get what you want, to lord it over others or take advantage of me or them, is exactly the sort of thing I don’t want you doing. Shhh, shh, it’ll be okay. Here, that must be terribly uncomfortable. I’m just going to whip up a tiny little spell for you, okay? There, all dry and clean now. I’m not going to hurt you. You realized it was wrong, by the sounds of it. You took advantage of the kindness and trust of several people by breaking my trust in this way. What do you think I should do in response to that?”
Eying me suspiciously, Ixey tenses up momentarily, seemingly almost worried for Leezahna. Leezahna stares at me wide-eyed in sheer terror. Trying to keep my breathing calm, I await Leeza’s response. It takes her a moment to remember that I’d asked her a question, and longer to come up with a response, “You, you should punish me.”
Raising an eyebrow, wearing a grim expression, I prompt, “How exactly should I punish you Leeza? What’s an appropriate punishment for breaking a trust that had been so dangerously low?”
Shrieking again, Leeza quickly curls in on herself, crying, and Ixey shoots me a worried frown, almost a glare. I hold up my hand towards Ixey, and motion that it’s okay to comfort Leezahna at the moment.
When it’s clear that Leezahna has calmed down, but can’t seem to come up with a punishment on her own, I offer up, “My punishment is going to be offering you more trust, and more responsibility. I hope that you understand that breaking *that* trust will come with worse consequences. I’m going to give you some errands, some tasks, that I’d like completed. I’m not going to give you *strict* deadlines immediately. You don’t need that kind of stress.”
Sighing, not really wanting to frighten her further, but wanting to impress upon her that it isn’t a false punishment, I add, “Just know that if it seems like you’re completely blowing me off in terms of these responsibilities, I will take it as a personal slight, a sign of disrespect, and a breach of trust. I want you to feel forgiven, but I want you to take it seriously. Are you okay with that Leezahna? Are you willing to try handling some responsibilities for me?”
The terrified lass eyes Ixey queryingly with worry, as if asking Ixeyla mentally if she should say yes. Ixey’s response is a half eyeroll and to barely refrain from shrugging. Ixeyla seems to know that I’ve got no intention of hurting Leezahna, or anyone really. Even the extra emphasis on trust is mostly an empty threat. Mostly. I will probably get more creative next time, and if she breaks my trust again, I’ll probably consider it a third strike, and then actually consider her too untrustworthy to keep around. I’m not even sure what sorts of responsibilities I want to saddle her with though.
In some ways, I don’t want to trust anything important to her, but if she suspects I’m really just faking this with empty threats, she might not make the progress that she seems to be trying to make. Also, to be the me that I want to be, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I need to offer my trust and love, despite my fears and concerns, even if it’ll end up biting me hard in the arse, or worse, end with me or someone I love stabbed in the back. I can’t let that fear, that worry, my own love for others, take over and prevent me from offering my love, acceptance, and trust.
What can I do that shows Leezahna that I both trust her, and require her to be better? What task can I saddle her with? One that says, “Do this favor, and do it well, because, like everyone, you are valued, but you in particular are skating on thin ice.” I gnaw my lip as I glance over towards our respawning warrens. I don’t even know the number of units we can get produced or harvested in a day, or where all the material goes. I do sort of want to have that information available to me to be able to make more consistent plans. I could benefit from having a quartermaster.