B 3 C 11: INTROSPECTION, INTRA-INVENTORY

Lil and I don’t journey as quickly as we could with the aid of Luni, or with Valkyrie carrying one or the both of us, but we still make good time. I could of course use my JT movement to zip around speedily, much faster than even Lil’s draconic flight, but I’m trying to learn my own draconic body, flight included. Each step is a new experience, a new series of muscles and tendons moving in unison to support my weight in a balance I’ve never known before. My wings pump instinctively each time I’m about to falter, so though I stumble, I never fall. My tail provides a layer of balance against the topheaviness that plagues me in my forward hunched run. I thought it looked ridiculously long at first, but it seems to be about right to provide the counterbalance necessary.

I’m likely four, maybe four and a half feet tall now, but my wingspan at its furthest when fully splayed is around ten feet, easily, maybe more. My tail itself is actually at least two meters long, around five or six feet, minimum. Every measurement is always a guess. I don’t have anything to actually measure distance with, except my danger wraps, and those I’ve loosely estimated to be originally thirty feet, and now fifteen since they’ve been halved.

There’s a few things that are odd about my transformation. I seem to have gained psi resistance, and electro resistance. Perhaps these scales provide some sort of electromagnetic shielding. They did ward off a low level lightning shock entirely as well, so that seems likely. Also, something I didn’t notice before when looking through Lil’s eyes. There are more of the gemlike scales floating around behind my wings, following in a perfect harmonic of motion along with every single stirring of my wings. I couldn’t see them through Lil’s eyes due to how brilliantly green my aura is now. They were visually hidden, awash in the aura.

I wish I had gotten time to have Linti rain lightning down on me in slowly increasing increments long enough to train electro resist, and maybe to unlock electrokinesis. I figure the same basic principle applies as with thermokinesis. If electricity is the motion of electrons away from their atomic partners along paths of conduction, then electrical resistance is essentially a subconscious control over that, or at least over the conductive-ness of the pathways in one’s own body. It might not allow for external control like thermokinesis does without some sort of lightning mastery power though. Still, if I could control the electrical impulses within my own body, supercharging them or slowing them as needed, I could boost my reaction speed or slow down incoming pain sensations. There are probably a few more applications that I can’t think of at the moment.

Supercharged internal electrical impulse might give me enough reaction speed and reflexes to develop my own ancillary powers to deal with my maximum speed of JT motion. I could rival Valkyrie’s top speed, with her current limitations anyway. I still won’t even compare to her old speed ability, or what I believe her maximum potential to be. Still, she’s currently similar in top speed to the fastest motorcycle in my memories even with her limitations at the moment, although that level of speed stresses her body presently. I figure a few more weeks of training in her umbral form will acclimate her body to that particular maximum. Maybe someday we’ll uncorrupt the radiant forms, and she’ll be able to progress past sonic speeds, various mach levels.

Anyway, no sense in pondering, I’m certain I overstayed my welcome with the cat tribe. Linti said she doesn’t currently count herself among my friends or even my allies. That’s a fairly subtle, and kind, way to say that she thinks of us at best as acquaintances. At worst, Linti thinks of us as potential enemies-in-waiting. That’s definitely not the type of relationship where someone asks the other “hey, would you mind blasting me with lightning for days on end until I become immune to your powers and develop my own?” Yeah, our trust isn’t at that level.

I heave a deep sigh, and Lil turns to look at me from their position where they’d been hopping ahead of me. I wear a neutral expression and shake my head. I don’t really want to talk about it. I’ve got mixed feelings on the situation. They were very kind, they saved my life, which saved me from using the red potion. They were affectionate, accepting, quite like my own family. If we had run into them on the way south the first time, they might be my family instead of the Shellcrackers, or we might be dead. I was not powerful enough to protect Lil back then. I’d probably have gotten myself killed trying to protect or avenge Lil.

Linti reminds me of Teuila in so many ways. She’s a strong protector who never stops training, hunting, fighting, scouting. She’s an amazingly gorgeous woman who radiates power and confidence. She has a wry sense of humor and states things matter-of-factly. Linti even seems likely to dislike expressing more sentimental emotions. The pressure she puts herself under is vastly dense. Hm, the weight of all three worlds. Luni once said that. I’m sure Linti bears that same burden, though I don’t quite know what it means for sure.

I sigh again, thinking of Lu and Te. I cherish them so deeply, yet here I am, once again, heading off somewhere that I can’t bring them. I’m trusting them to handle something else that’s equally as important and deadly. There are hundreds of on-edge humans with trained magical powers, some of whose powers would be incredibly deadly, bad matchups for my dear loves to face. Clouds of acid or corrosive toxin when Lu and Te are both melee combatants? Yeah, I don’t want to imagine things going south with the humans. If there was even a civil divide, and a small faction caused pain or deaths to my newly expanded family, I know I would lose it and slaughter every last one of them. I’d probably die in the process too, not defending myself properly. I think I’d let Priss and Sir Reginald live, just so they could see what failing to control their people had cost them.

That’s pretty monstrous isn’t it? You’ve lost everything, or so you thought, you couldn’t keep your people in check, so now you truly lose what little you had left. Also I’m dying now, so you can’t even take vengeance on me, hrkglrk. I don’t know what it’ll take to convince people that I’m a monster, not a hero. I obviously don’t want to do the actions that will finally convince them, but I definitely can’t take hero-worship. I don’t deserve it, and it’s an expectation I can’t live up to.

Sighing, my thoughts turn to Magnus. He’s a sweetheart, but what he liked was an image of me, something he’d drawn up in his mind. I think he also thought of me as identifying as male. I know that us critterkin don’t really have sexes or sex-characteristics, except slightly rounded chest areas that approximate breasts on some of us that identify as femme, but I don’t know how to indicate to others that I lack even that self identification. If he wants to fall in love with a heroic man, boy, whatever, that is most definitely not me, on several counts. Spice is an affectionate young man, and definitely a hero in my eyes. He’s never killed anyone, he has only ever built protections and created art for our family. Maybe when they reacquaint, they will hit it off. One can only hope. I regret not being able to be there for Spice to help him through his emotions and traumas. I’m just gone too often.

Lil is frowning at me while hopping backwards. I know Lil buddy, I’m getting down on myself. Sorry pal.

I call out, out loud, “Lil, what do you say we make a dugout over beneath that tree with the uprisen roots? I know we could keep walking for a long time, but I just need some cuddle time with my best pal to work through some things.”

Lil replies happily, “Sure thing partner, I’m supes glad you aren’t doing this adventure alone, you torture yourself when you don’t have someone to interrupt your thoughts. Seriously, I wish I could help you not think certain ways. But I guess it’s part of what makes my pal my pal, y’know pal?”

Chuckling, I respond, “Sure do buddy, yeah, your pal is your pal because I am who I am. If I wasn’t, why would I say I am? Let’s get digging.”

It only takes a few moments to dig a cozy hole. We’re not quite in the swamp proper yet, so we don’t need to dry out and fire harden the walls of our little cave. Lil’s Lilagnewt form is becoming an exceptional digger. I think their talons have been growing and hardening over the many months we’ve known each other. Or has it been years at this point? Mentally, in hypertime thinkspace, we’ve known each other for around a century.

Let’s see, a few weeks at the pond to start, maybe a couple of months, several weeks heading south along the river, maybe a couple of months before reaching the shore. Several weeks, perhaps a couple of months recuperating, another few weeks recovering once I regained consciousness. Perhaps a month making it through the swamp, easily half a year at that point. Then, ugh, horrible events occurred and I left reality for several months. I think it was getting close to three quarters of a year after the cragbeast adventure and return to the dam. Lil was retreated into their core for a long while when Teuila and I were recovering from our injuries received during that excursion. Between Lil’s recovery, and Teuila’s rehabilitation, it had been about a year since I met Lil at that point. Then there were weeks, or months of marching to the shore, nearly two months in the human city. Teuila and I returned to prepare for the human army’s nearby march, and that took a couple of months. It has really only been a few days since the human army reached the point near our settlement. In that time, so much has happened. So Lil and I have physically known each other for about a year and a half. I’ve been a Shellcracker for almost a year, or somewhere around there.

Does that make me a year and a half old, since I spawned about a year and a half ago? That’s such a weird, wild concept. We can self actualize and evolve to change forms, we can take whatever position we desire in our tribes or families. We can spawn with the personality and skill set to immediately take on the role of matron or patron or elder. I spawned with just enough survival instincts to begin making my way in a hostile world alone. I wonder what the human’s spawning is like. Hm, no, I know they don’t spawn, they’re born. Priss had a son and a husband. I’ve seen human infants, toddlers, children, teens, young adults. I’ve seen soldiers going through puberty and gaining their first stubble. Humans age, they have to reach adulthood and acquire memories and experience manually.

There’s one manual experience I wish the humans had never had. Well, several. I wish they hadn’t adopted the practice of harvesting critterkin to begin with, but I also wish they didn’t have to lose their whole society to change. I can’t believe that the human’s changed their behavior overnight. I’m worried every moment of every day that they’ll start slaughtering critterkin for meat. Hm, what’s worse is, I know that the city was part of a kingdom. I never got around to asking Priss the name of the city, or kingdom, or sovereignty. Somewhere out there in the world is another group of humans, larger, more powerful, still holding onto that barbaric practice.

Based on the geography of the land that I’ve observed, I think we’re on an island continent. There may be larger continents out there somewhere. Sadly, reaching them would mean going through Leviathans, so the city has probably been cut off from its kingdom for as long as those things have been around. Or from whatever point in time they’d risen from their deep sea homes. I wonder exactly when they rose up for the first time? It feels like it would have been sometime between when I spawned, and when I made it to the sea for the first time. Otherwise they’d have already claimed our entire continent. It’s unsettlingly coincidental that they have the red eyes and that I. Oh. Hell’s bells.

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Lil tries to interrupt my train of thought, “Buddy, pal? Don’t, don’t do this to yourself.”

Sorry Lil, we’ve both just realized it, haven’t we? I’m the reason the Leviathans are on the move. It’s my fault that the Shellcrackers lost so many family members and an entire allied clan. I’m the reason all the otterfolk and eggs in the market of the city will never get a chance at life. I’m the reason that all the humans in that city are gone, forever. Red Eyes was released into this world by Mataalii to hunt me. Somehow released in our recent past, near present, sent across time and space to occupy every moment of my life, from the first beginning, my beginning.

My existence was so detestable, that some external entity felt the need to vanquish me before I even got a chance at life. Maybe it’s this world’s way of punishing me for my buggy spawn. Maybe the world sees me as a virus that needs to be cleansed. That would make Red Eyes the antibody, the hero.

Lil furiously shouts, “No you idiot! You’re the hero! You’ve only ever tried to do good and keep your loved ones safe! You sacrifice yourself at every turn! You’re, you’re the best pal a dragon could ever have! That stupid thing that’s hunting you is doing all the killing, that’s not your fault. Mat let the thing out, not you! The world lets you go into energy debt to save people all the time. The world showed you how to stop the lava. The world knows you’re the hero, this world needs you to be okay. I, I need you to be okay.”

Lil’s words trail off to a tremulous sob near the end, and I can only look my best buddy in the eyes with my own heart and face full of despair. I should listen to Lil. I trust Lil. Lil loves me, I love Lil. And yet, I can’t help but feel like the villain. Like I’m the one in the wrong. Like I did something to deserve this, and that somehow justified someone else killing everything in their way to get to me.

Wait a minute, what am I talking about? Did I kill the entire beaver dam to get to its horrid leader? Did I even kill off all of the MCF? I fought against every horrid thought and instinct in my body to make sure to spare them all. Not just spare them all, but save them all. At least the first time. What could I have possibly done that was so horrible, just by spawning into our world, that could possibly justify the senseless slaughter of dozens of wonderful innocent otterfolk? What could have been a justification to destroy an entire city that I wasn’t even near anymore? What possible reason could one have to destroy an entire ecosystem to try to flush me out with lava?

Does Mataalii really hate me that much? Or has the Red Eyes always had its grips in Mata? Closed time loops, the events that cause the past to play out the way they have started in the future. But then, do I have to kill Mataalii? The answer is still yes. He made the choice to kill our family before he ever exhibited signs of possession. I can’t save him from that. I can’t make him into a non-murderer.

I let my scaled lips quiver as I sink to my knees. Even this is a difficult task with my new digitigrade legs. I unequip everything to send it all to my inventory. I beckon Lil who quickly hops into my arms so I can hold them tightly. I can still barely contemplate these sorts of topics without breaking down into a panic, and after a few minutes of thought I need comfort, or to allow myself a full breakdown. The more things that pile up for me to contemplate, the harder solo adventures are going to be. If Lil wasn’t here right now, I’d be convinced that I was the villain, a monster that needs to be slain.

Gulping back a knot in my throat, I barely find the strength to beg, “Please forgive me Lil. Please know how important you are to me, how much I trust you and, and. Just please believe that I love you so deeply. Please keep being you pal. I literally couldn’t do this without you. I cherish you so dearly.”

Lil, nuzzling my scaly chest, responds, “It’s not even a thing pal. You don’t have to worry about a thing bud. We’re good. How’s it go? Always have been, always will be. More or less. I love you too Reggie. We, I couldn’t, I. I wouldn’t have Lu, or Te, without you. Hundreds of times over. In so many ways, even other than you, the best things in my life are all thanks to you. I have a better form, a bond with Te, a bond with Lu, Lu’s alive, Lu and Te are, they’re. It’s okay that we both are so twitterpated for them. And you brought me back pal, two, three times! Maybe even more that I don’t know about! I would have missed out on so much more, maybe Gal-Pal’s and It’s-A-Secret’s entire lives. I hate it when you think bad about yourself. I wish I could help more.”

I weep silently, holding Lil, trying to absorb what they’re saying, trying to take it to heart. It’s so hard though, knowing how closely I’m involved with so much chaos, death, and destruction.

Gulping, to distract myself, I clear my throat to ask, “Lil, do you wanna try to teach me your breath skill? I’ll try to just get used to my body, or practice that, or both.”

Lil perks up, “Really? Yeah, sure thing Reggie! Maybe we can try to each learn a skill from the other. One thing that doesn’t make sense to me is how you got ice magic from me breathing fire on you for a day. You explained it, and I get the words in the way that you scienced it out. But I mean, I have infinite thermal resist already. Oh well, doesn’t matter, try to teach me your space skill while I try to share breath, yeah?”

I nod silently, pondering over Lil’s problem. They’re right, they have far more thermal resistance than me. Yet they don’t have thermokinesis, they only have fire breath. A lot of our world’s way of granting powers seems to revolve around self-actualization though. A strong will and a strong string of logic seems to help guide skills to develop and evolve the ways we want them to. I mean, case in point, I’ve become a humanoid dragon, and like Lil said, I gained ice and fire magic from being lit aflame for an extended period.

Teuila always wanted to soar, and when she unlocked the Valkyrie evolution, she could take to the skies under her own power. Plus her affinity for gravity became so strong that she could simply turn off gravity’s effect on her. She gained a form, and abilities perfect for her leaping oriented pile driving spear-stabbing fighting style.

Lu started to bring music to the world, and suddenly she became a bard, complete with a magical instrument, and spell-like songs. Her body in feraform evolution gained an even more humanoid appearance than any other feraform. Knowing how much she likes to tease me and press her soft curves against me, I wouldn’t be surprised if she self-actualized those just to use them for that exact purpose. I’d similarly be unsurprised if she somehow subconsciously knew I would think that tights, leather stompers, and her adorable dress would be a gorgeous sense of style. I didn’t even know I liked any clothes, let alone which kind. Lu has somehow always known more about me than she let on though. I don’t know how long she’s had to keep her knowledge a secret, and it breaks my heart knowing that it’s been eating her up inside longer and longer.

Another self actualization is Lil told me they were a dragon that would gain more limbs, and be more impressive. They did exactly that in a time of crisis, and have regularly gotten more potent with their form over the course of our life together. And what’s more, they’ve decided to share their skill with me, and now I find an entire hidden menu that I’d never seen before in my mind’s eye interface. It’s a page that contains options for skill merging, deleting, trading, transfer, and instruction. Currently the page indicates dragon subtype to dragon subtype.

I initiate an instruction of space skill towards Lil, and they initiate instruction of breath to me. It feels like polygons are floating from Lil’s brain directly into mine, as I assimilate their breath skill. I don’t seem to be giving the same thing in return to Lil though. I’m worried that because I’m ‘of blood’ that something isn’t compatible. Yet I’m absorbing their skill instruction just fine.

“Lil, you doing okay buddy?”

“I’unno Reggie, somethin’ is weird. It’s like my brain is trying to grow outside my head. It hurts a lot.”

“Maybe we should stop, how do we do that?”

“Not sure pal. I don’t think anyone ever had to deal with this before. Oogh, ow. Buddy is this what it’s like to have your space skill? Is this why you’re always thinking down on yourself? ‘Cause it feels like your brain is smooshing itself pressing down on you?”

Lil’s question does ring true slightly. I guess I never thought that it might not be normal to always have a mild level of pain, or dark thoughts always threatening to shove through the back of my skull.

“Okay Lil, I want to stop, I don’t want you to deal with this. It’s not fair to you, I didn’t realize it would do this to you. If we can’t figure out a way to stop it in three seconds I’ll do something drastic.”

“Urghk, k pal. I don’t think I’m in any condition to argue. I can hardly think. How do you do this?”

How do I do it indeed? Life has its challenges and I was spawned already adapted to some of them, to think of them as normal. Alright, retreating into accelerated thinkspace, I try to examine the menus thoroughly. Maybe if Lil initiates a deletion of the space skill, that might terminate its acquisition. Or maybe it’ll delete what has already been transferred, ease the pain, and they’ll be able to delete the rest when it finishes transferring. Is it that simple? For once in my life, can I help a friend and save them from pain with just the simple press of a button?

“Lil, try deleting the space skill, please.”

“K, pard. Done. Yeah that’s a bit better, but it’s still coming in.”

“Keep deleting it everytime it starts to hurt, please. Hopefully the instruction stops soon. I wonder if the time skill... No, no, we can’t mess with it. Lu said I would know when. This isn’t it.”

The instruction completes, and I earn a breath skill of one. Lil earns a garbled entry that’s probably half of the space skill, which they delete. There’s a horrid side-effect however. Lil begins to fritz like Dehlia was doing when she was under sway of the serpent. I think I’m going to be sick. I just caused my buddy to get the worst kind of teleportation. An uncontrollable one that has them sickeningly zipping and zapping left and right.

Let’s puzzle this out, if space is related to inventory management, duplication, and kinesis, then why would partially having it, and losing it, cause teleportation? Lil has been in my inventory before. Ugh, we probably should have thought of that. Would resting in my inventory reset this glitch? Or at least offer them some reprieve?

“Lil, were you riding my thoughts? Do you want to try it?”

“Urp, sure partner, just don’t blame me if your inventory gets a little dragon pukey.”

“Heh, sure Lil. I, I’m sorry buddy.”

This feels like the greatest risk I’ve ever taken. If Lil is considered an object by the world, because of our bond, or the buggy space skill transference, or for any other reason, will they be able to leave my inventory in one piece? Will they remain themselves? Lil, I love you, please be okay. I reach towards Lil, and I wait for their fritzing teleport to land in a spot that connects with my hand. Exhaling smoothly I pull on Lil’s entire being with everything my space skill has to offer. I drag Lil bodily into extradimensional inventory space.

Inside the floating void of my inventory, Lil seems okay, but that took everything I had to simply claim Lil. Probably even more. Hopefully I can recover enough to expel Lil soon. For the moment though, that drained more than just my mana, and I need to pass out for a bit. There’s a soothing warmness against my heart, as if Lil and their core were literally pressed up against my most vital organ. I hope Lil can sense my love for them. They seem to be mostly snoozing. They aren’t fritzing at least. Once in a while I see them gaze around in the void. I think we’re going to be okay, so I’m going to let myself fall asleep for a bit.