B 2 C 2: ONE STEP FORWARD, TWO STEPS BACK

If I thought the last time I was cognizant held tearful reunions, the emotional outpour I receive now is at least equal, if not stronger. I’m actually even being checked out by Mataalii, his hands explore my face and his jaw refuses to raise. He’s acting like he’s seeing a ghost, testing if I’m real. It feels like the family members can barely wait to take turns to tell me something, to catch up with me or check in on me or interact with me in some way. It’s almost stifling, almost. Sugar is rambling at me a mile a minute, I can’t make out anything she’s saying. Spice is calling me a butthead for checking out so long, but that it’s good to have me back, since we just barely met. The Mana twins are talking about how much they enjoy fishing with Lil.

Finally there’s a brief moment of break, Agwai seems to shoo the others away as Laomati sets her hand upon my cheek. Slowly tears well up in her eyes. “My child, I knew you’d return to us.” Her faith causes tears to well in my eyes, and my breath to catch in my throat. She kneels down to my level as she pulls me into a tender, motherly hug.

Agwai whispers to me, “Whatever you went through, no matter how long it affects you, we love you, and we’ll never be able to thank you enough for what you’ve given us.” They kiss my forehead and ruffle my hair. Ever since the swamp, Ag has been more tender, loving, emotional, expressive.

I can feel Teuila slightly fuming next to me, a mild jealousy brewing. At first I worry she’s annoyed that I’m getting the family’s attention, since she is also returning, metaphorically, to her old self. That’s not it though. She’s annoyed that she can’t just drag me away for more time alone to catch up, to break through my fear and move on, and she’s a bit jealous that I thought such loving, kind words of Agwai. Somehow I know exactly what she’s thinking, or at least feeling. Wait. Teuila, can you hear my thoughts?

Teuila’s jaw drops next to me, and I hear a gasp in my mind. Teuila flying tackles me so hard to the side that we go crashing about the inside of the cabin and tumbling out the entryway.

She’s laughing so happily, so giddily. “Is it real? Was that you? Is it true? Is it? Is it? Hahaha, really? Really? After all that? Was that you? Can it be? Please tell me it was you, please tell me it’s true!” She starts to grip me by the collar and throttle me slightly as she tries to shake loose the truth.

I put my shaking hands up in surrender, laughing, tears rolling out of my eyes. “I felt you, I really felt you, you heard me too!” I excitedly, hoarsely whisper. I suck down shaky, ragged breaths. I spy the rest of the family gazing out of the doorway with concern. It looks so cartoonish to see heads peeking around a corner stacked on top of one another. I can’t help but laugh at the absurdity. When they realize I’ve spotted them, and am still laughing, most of them sigh with relief.

“Sometimes, um, sometimes when they’re close, I can feel Lil. I can really feel Lil, and ride the connection a little bit, hearing parts of their conversations with Lu.” She admits.

“Te, that’s amazing. That’s so amazing! This is amazing! You’re amazing!” I fight, struggling to my feet. I wrap my arms around her and lift her into the air to twirl her around. Who knew? All it took was mostly dying several times in a row over the course of several days while stretching a tether so hard that the tether itself also almost killed me.

Teuila mutters “Jerk.” Into my mind. Oh, right, she heard my sarcastic thought. I hope you know that was slight sarcasm Teuila, I’m so glad for this, no matter what it took. I’m really sorry for the snark. That definitely wasn’t intended at you.

My shaking arms can’t support even Teuila’s feather-light weight for long. As I set her down, she smiles into my eyes and socks me in the shoulder. It seems she’s taller too. “We came here to get you cleaned up, dingus.” Teuila says to me, changing the subject. She knows that’s not entirely true, but I’m happy to use her cover.

Parts of my muscles, like the edges of my biceps and forearms near my elbows start to seize up. The various fear chemicals are still virtually killing me, figuratively. It feels like I’m tearing my muscles occasionally just moving around, as I fight my internal struggle with every step.

I want to gather my inner circle to go training, exploring, adventuring, but I’m barely functional. Teuila sifts my hair as she comforts me, “Take it slow, wonderboob.” Yep, Te’s going to just invent new mildly insulting nicknames now that she has run through so many. I love the way she hurts me, in a non hurtful way, the playful punches, the endearing insults. I chuckle as my mouth flicks back and forth between a frightened pout, and a massive smile. Some day again, some day soon I hope, I’ll finally loose the terror’s grip on my heart from seeing her, and being with her.

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Te grips my chin to draw my attention and gaze. “Lil told me, everything, in excruciating detail. I know I could have read it, but I couldn’t. I did know you got stabbed, I knew you drank the potions so that you could come back to us. I know how much. It. hurt you.” When she says the word it, I realize she’s not talking about the stabbing. She’s talking about how much I hated being overcome with fear of her. I can tell she’s admitting this because, well, she went along with my questions because she was scared how to handle our reunion. She wanted everything to be at my pace. Te probably figured out that I was struggling, and wanted to encourage whatever was distracting me with any emotion that wasn’t fear. In that instant, it was excitement.

Also, Teuila hates lying to me, even as a joke, and can’t keep it up for long. I guess her facial reaction wasn’t a lie, she was probably incredulous as to why I was so excited to share having gotten stabbed. I probably came off like a lunatic, or an idiot, maybe both.

Teuila flicks my nose, “You’re neither. Dweebus.” Oh, right, when I’m thinking about someone with a shared wavelength, they can hear my thoughts. I have to actively try to hear them though. Well, emotions flow along the wavelength in all directions. Oh, oh no. I look at Teuila’s elbows, and the tips of her extremities. Like mine, they’re shaking. Perhaps not as much, but she’s experiencing this too. Her pawed hand spreads out over my face, smooshing my face around and dragging my lips upwards, smearing saliva. Actually, thinking about it, she’s been shaking for quite a while too. “Don’t worry about it. I’d suffer a thousand times this, just to be back here.”

I gulp, disliking the sentiment, because I’m sure she’s already suffered a thousand times this. “I, um. I don’t know how to proceed from here. I’m so happy to be back, but I’m struggling, and I’m lost. I don’t know what comes next. There are things I wanted, things I still think I want. I just, I just don’t know how to start.”

Te ponders for a moment, removing her hand from my face. Somehow, the arrangement of her thumb and index finger on her chin causes a mild BSOD in my brain, and yet another imaginary screen flickers with static. As she comes to a conclusion, she shares it, “I guess just like I said, take it slow. One day at a time. Where do you. Want. to start?”

I look downward, away, ashamed. The thing I want most is to be done with this roadblock between myself and being able to act normal. I want to be where I’m not fighting for every second of sanity. I can’t really focus on anything else. “I hate what I’m about to ask. I. Um. I, I. Um. I need, I need, uh. Argh.”

“You need some space, and some time to yourself. What I said before is still true.” What she said before? Did she really say those words that pierced the darkness? That she would always love me, and always wait for me? She beams a bright smile my way, nodding as she backs away. She scampers off somewhere to train, or keep watch over our family from afar.

I retreat to my tent, and begin pounding the tree with my fist in frustration as I start to cry again. As long as I just focus on frustration, my muscles finally stop seizing and shaking. As long as I don’t let my thoughts drift in a certain direction, I’m almost, almost, functioning like I was before this mess. I equip the majority of my gear, and my danger wraps. I also pull the tattoo needle out of my inventory.

Letting the tendrils do the work, launching myself into the air and slinging from tree to tree, I fairly sail through the air several miles to the south. From there, I launch myself into the river, and swim in place against the current as long as I can manage.

Now that I’m thoroughly exhausted, I launch myself out of the river to the eastern shore, the dangerous shore. I’m located pretty close to the events of Day… One. My head swims, filling with pain and pounding pulse, my vision tunnels, but I remain standing. Shakily I roar to the skies, daring the world to send my fear at me. I drop to my knees, drawing ragged breaths. When nothing appears, I pull the thunder stick out of my inventory, and begin slamming it repeatedly into the ground, causing thunder to crack over, and over. “Face me! Face me! Face me, so I can face you.” I shout my challenge, which trails off to a disheartened mumble, almost a whimper by the end.

Saddened that I can’t just literally fight this fear, I unequip my gear again save the danger wraps, tattoo, and some leaf clothing. The divested gear in my inventory seems important somehow. Looking into my inventory doesn’t clue me in immediately though. Exhausted mentally, physically, and probably spiritually, I sprawl on my back and close my eyes. I listen for the breeze, vaguely remembering Sylphie. It sends me into a slight panic to remember her, as she was there during the, the, the event. Even my brain, my internal monologue stammers as I try to put a name to the, the event. I’ll have to ask Lu about Sylphie later. I’ll also need to ask about Luna. I let myself pass out due to very mixed emotions. I lay sprawled, barely equipped, along the shore.