After I return the staff to the hidden holster Teuila bought for me, I heave a shuddered sigh. Dawn still looks heartbroken at the knowledge we’ve gained. I try to reach a hand towards them for comfort, and they recoil.
Dawn stutters, “I’m, I, I just. Please don’t touch me. I’m not going to be, I’m not. I didn’t follow you to be some concubine or something. ‘Kay Rej? Like, just, just no.”
I’m hurt that that’s what Dawn thinks of me at the moment. Even Teuila looks a bit stricken as she’s barely even conscious. Or Te may be reacting to a dream, or worse, a nightmare, since her eyes are closed. I think Dawn is probably, possibly always was, but probably at least while under this curse, an aro ace I believe is the term. Aromantic ace. On top of maybe being agendered like me.
How can I let them know we’re not a threat like that? That I just want them to be okay? I mean, in all technicallity, Teuila and I both qualify for most of the three of those “A”s as well. Loosely in the aromantic side of things, but the others for sure, and Teuila is closer to having a gender identity, but she could care less what pronouns you use. We could physically prove that we’re not lust-monkeys in that we don’t have the parts to even do most of the things involved in that stuff. Teuila looks saddened as she appears to return to unconsciousness if she hadn’t been there already.
I start, “Dawn, I’m so sorry I gave that impression, truly. I don’t know how to help you feel safe again.”
I rack my brain for anything I can offer. Taking watch? No, Dawn doesn’t sleep. Uh, material goods probably aren’t going to win trust. All I have is a bit of magic, oh, the staff. Spells in it that I don’t yet understand. Possibly even the ability to create spells, or duplicate spell effects that I already know, or have intimate experience with. The aura vision spell is one that doesn’t take any of the staff’s power, only nearby ambient energy. If I used that as a base, and some of the extrasensory knowledge from the telekinesis spell, I think I could essentially create a danger sense spell that works like my armwraps.
I ramble, “I could maybe cast a spell from the staff, it would grant you a similar danger sense to the one my armwraps give me, for maybe an hour. Are you, are you interested in that? Do you want that? I have no interest in forcing anything on you, I just have no idea how to help after what I just heard.”
I hope Dawn can see how mortified I am, and how sympathetic I am towards their feelings. I just want to make this right. After all they’ve suffered, I want them to at least feel safe traveling with us. It’s not fair to them that these outside forces keep reminding them of their curse, and hurting them. Worse, it’s not fair to them to be traveling with people that they’re afraid might, might coerce them. I can’t really even stomach the thought.
Dippy and Zippy look completely lost. Well, Zippy is sleeping for once, Dippy appears confused as he munches on a random cobblestone. He’s really got to stop picking those out of the path, some wagon is going to get stuck in the mud some day because of him, or a horse will throw a shoe or something. Then again, what else could we even get for him to eat? I suppose we could bash some of the cliff facing down into rocks. Maybe.
After a long pause, Dawn walks silently away. I take a seat and try to stifle my tears of sympathy for them. They must hurt so badly, and there’s no one that can offer them any sort of comfort that they’re comfortable with. The tears flow regardless of my wishes. Teuila stirs momentarily, and I help her drink, and remove the stiffest layer of her clothing so she can rest in comfort. After a seeming age, as Teuila and I prepare to bed down, Dawn returns.
They ask, “Is, is that spell still on the table? Could I please have it? I. I just. I don’t. I don’t. Nothing is right anymore. Nothing makes sense. I just, I have to be able to make sense of something. So hit me with a new sense.”
I nod as I gulp down sadness-snot that decided to run down the back of my throat rather than out my nose when I was sniffling through my tears earlier. Ugh, that’s such a gross feeling. I hope my quivering lips and tear stained face don’t give Dawn the wrong impression. I don’t want them to think I’m crying over losing a concubine, even just a possible one, or something. They were never such a thing for me. They’re a valued friend.
I pull the staff out from its hidden holster along my hip, and aim it at Dawn. They look slightly terrified, unsure if they can even trust what I’ll be casting. I unleash a spell that should copy the effects of my danger wraps for them, for a short while. I pause a moment with bated breath, hoping beyond hope that this offers them some small comfort. Some tiny mote of safety amidst all that they suffer.
Dawn’s eyes become large, and the light that they shine can be seen passing over me. They gasp and cover their mouth with both hands. Oh, right. The silent sonar, the ranged senses of the telekinesis are like a density spectrogram. Dawn now knows the density of every inch of my body, or at least how it appears topographically, and Teuila’s too. I don’t know how I feel about that. It’s almost as bad as if I had coerced them into joining our cuddle. I feel awful about it, thinking on it. Dawn turns away and walks quickly out of sight once more.
I hate this. I hate that I just subjected them to basically the exact thing they didn’t want. I feel sick to my stomach. I sit on the balls of my heels and weep silently into my knees. I’m an awful friend. Teuila sniffles from nearby in our sleeping bag, likely sensing some of my sadness, as our bond strengthens once more. I’m not sure I can sleep. I wonder if my walking through radiant corruption will have affected her. Or perhaps she’s suffering radiant corruption and mana sickness all her own from having been suspended above it.
Nearly an hour after Dawn left, as I stop weeping and sit in a forlorn silence, Dippy asks, “Can, can I? Is it, is good? Can I have it? Magics on me too? Are they good magics? That one, the Dawn one, seemed upset, but seemed powerful. Big eyes, big shine.”
Thinking about the staff’s limitations, I normally can’t have something with a prolonged effect out in the world and still use it to cast any other spell. Especially not if it’s one that requires an internal mental subroutine, or actual focus. This spell doesn’t require either of those though, and, well, it’s not using it to cast another spell, it’s just applying the same spell to another target. I might be able to do this.
I frown and huff a sigh as I respond, “I can maybe place it on you Dippy, yes, but I just remembered that you’ll sense everything around you. You’ll know what everything could feel like, in detail, in a circle around you.”
Dippy looks perplexed, “That’s good, good, yeah, yeah good, can’t sneak up, no sneaking up, can’t sneak up if you feel everything around, right? That’s good. Why the, why is the Dawn friend upset at that? They’re nice, they’re good, magic’s good, this magic is, is, is, good good magic. Could still be, still be enemies around. We came one way, multiple ways to get here. Lots and lots of humie enemies, all angry and killy. Never, never, never seen so many crazy squishies.”
I can’t give Dippy a straight answer about Dawn’s feelings. Even if I’m correct about my assumptions, those assumptions are not my tale to tell. I’ve already accidentally added hurts to their plate tonight, I don’t need to add more.
He is right though, there could be enemies east or west that heard the massive rockslides I caused. I adopt a forlorn smile as I aim the staff at Dippy. I feel a tug on the threads of the energy that are woven into the air. A tether, similar to our evolutionary energy tethers from so long ago on Can’Z’aas, seems to stretch out in the direction Dawn headed. As I try to cast the same spell on Dippy, there’s a twisting in that tether and I immediately stop trying to cast the spell. I may have just found how to give Teuila back our psychic link. I am not going to subject Dawn to being tied to Dippy’s brain. Despite how pleasant and helpful a fellow as he is, that would definitely require consent first.
I wait as the magic woven through the air in Dawn’s direction fades and is snipped from the staff. Dippy has been standing patiently with arms outstretched, assuming I’m going to blast him, for quite a while now. He opens one eye to peer at me, just as I’m finally casting the spell for him. He tumbles over backwards, oddly enough. The spell had no physical force, but he fooled himself into expecting it, then the new senses probably threw him off balance.
Dippy states excitedly, “Reggie, the Reggie, the Reggie is a reptile too? Didn’t know, didn’t know. Reptiles can’t have hair, didn’t know. Shouldn’t, but you do. And, and, and, Tay oo ee lah too! More, more friends, scale friends, yeah good, good, good good, yeah, yes.”
My face wildly contorts at Dippy’s sudden outburst and exclamations. What makes him think we’re reptiles? I guess I’d better ask, “Dippy, what makes you suddenly think we’re reptiles?”
Dippy responds, chattering nervously, “Parts, the parts, Dippy is smart at tracking, knows things, I know things about bodies, following bodies, Dippy, I, know things. The parts inside, that’s a reptile. Scaled ones are reptiles, kobolds are reptiles. No dangles, no pointies. Yep yep, reptile. All inside.”
I hear a pleasant laugh from a figure that approaches just barely close enough to skirt the edge of my danger sense range. It can only be Dawn. Yet, they sound like their load has been lightened, even in just that short laugh. I try to reset my facial expression and rub my puffy eyes as I turn to meet them. They stand abashedly at the edge of my sensory range, rubbing the back of their cranium, avoiding eye contact for a bit. I feel bad ignoring Dippy now that he has, um, proved his intelligence to me, but he seems to be rewarding himself with pride well enough. I’ve been incredibly worried about Dawn.
They wrap their arms around the front of their torso as they enter my sensory range after a long moment. Dawn asks, not addressing me directly, “Did um, did Dippy get that same spell?”
I nod slowly, trying to remain as unthreatening as possible. Barely resisting bursting into tears of gratitude that they don’t seem to hate me, yet. They look me up and down, appraising me, then gaze at Dippy who still seems to be chattering, now about whatever little thing is within sensory range.
Dawn lets loose a pleasant laugh once more, and I hazard a sad smile, my eyes wet with tears. They finally address me, “Rej, I, I didn’t know. I mean, I couldn’t have. I’ve never even, I mean, no one has. Did, did what I sense, what I felt, was that real? Is that, is that, I can’t even voice it. If, if, I mean. Then you can’t even.”
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Gulping down pre-nasal drip or post-nasal drip, whatever, once more, I try to flash Dawn half of a smile. Once I’ve failed miserably at that, I state, “Y,yeah. We don’t. Um. We would never, can’t ever. Truly, truly never. It’s not even a thing that crosses our minds. Teuila might get the humor, and join in on the jokes, but that’s it. I’m so terribly sorry for whatever we did, whatever I did that made it seem otherwise. I have no idea how to make up for that, how, how, how to earn your forgiveness. I had no idea I was coming across that way when I expressed wanting to comfort you.”
Dawn cringes at the word comfort and I gasp and slap both hands over my mouth. Did they always cringe at that word? Did I somehow miss it before? My eyes are wide with saddened terror, worrying that I might not be able to offer them the safety they deserve, simply by my existence and vocabulary frightening them.
Dawn finally states, “It, it wasn’t you. There’s things I didn’t remember, things I didn’t want to remember. I mean, I was always kind of like this. Got called frigid and whatnot. It hurt. Then anyone that I thought was my friend tried to offer me, ugh, comfort. It was always the same. They just wanted that. It, well, I mean. I didn’t, I mean. I’ve heard stories with, like but, or, or or—. But, but it was never like that, not in The Brook. Just pressure. Anger when denied, lost friends. Ugh.”
I clutch my chest with my right hand, the sorrow of their tale striking me like a dagger to the heart. They don’t offer up anything more on the subject, so I don’t know if there is any more to the tale. It seems the betrayals were enough to scar them. It sounds like they couldn’t rely on their friends to be friends without seeking affection, specific affection. I don’t need to know any more to know that I need to do better. Dawn throws a concerned gaze my way.
Dawn asks, “Could you, um, maybe use she? And stuff? From now on? I might. I mean. You know. You’ve known the entire time I’ve known you. I’m okay with you knowing. It could, could maybe be kinda, of, of nice. To be able to be known for all of me, without someone trying to get that. I mean, I’m, I’m still. I’ve always been a girl. I just got so sick of it all, especially after the curse. I just wanted someone I could really trust to know, someone that wouldn’t be that way, someone other than that grumpy sneaker who stopped by every few years. I don’t want to be touched for the most part, and won’t, this isn’t some doorway. I want your word that, that you are how you say you are. You were just trying to show that you cared, in your way, and didn’t want that, and won’t want that.”
I nod, gulping once more, the last of my tears and snot finding their way to my stomach, sickeningly enough. I state, “Absolutely. I, um. If I ever slip up, and offer you a hug, I, I’ll do better. I’m sorry. And yes, of course, if that’s who you are, who you want to be known as, how you want to be known, of course, of course I’ll tell Teuila in the morning that Dawn, she’s an amazing friend and I hope she’ll stay our friend. If, if that sounds good, to put it that way.”
Dawn rubs the back of their head, stands up, and walks away again, silently. I close my eyes as my heart sinks into the pit of my stomach. They turn around before reaching the edge of my danger wrap senses, as they’re undoing a tie in one of their shirts. My face adopts a quizzical expression. I don’t know what to make of this. Does this mean they trust the three of us enough that they want to use their identity that they’d kept hidden this entire time? Her, her identity. I can be better, I can do better. If she wants to be recognized as a woman by letting her chest remain unbound, I can give her that solace.
Dawn approaches me, heat radiating from her cheeks, which seems to break the laws that we know of her existence, as she asks, “About offering hugs, uh, you don’t have to like, beat yourself up or anything. I’m, I’m frigid, or, or something, I’m not a touch-hating monster that’ll bite your head off for the offer. And hey, Rej, can I, maybe, just one time. Could I get a hug pal? And, can I just say sorry?”
Tears flood from my eyes as a sad smile spreads across my face and I nod haltingly, but happily. I spread my arms wide, and let Dawn direct how tight she would like our embrace to be. It’s loose-armed, but close, pressed firmly against each other. I don’t know if Dawn can even feel it, their senses being so obscured to them, but I don’t want them to feel trapped in the hug for even a moment longer than they desire. Her senses, I don’t want her to feel trapped. I want to respect her identity. She breaks away and looks down, avoiding my gaze. It’s clear that, if she could, she’d be crying right now.
Dawn drops to the balls of her heels, sitting on them, hugging her own knees. I leave my open hand hovering in the air nearby, and she shakes her head, so I withdraw it. That isn’t the kind of comfort she needs. She just needs time, and trust. I think, I think maybe with us, she can have both of those things. Despite what we’ve learned about her curse.
Dippy chirps, “Hey, hey, Dawn, the Dawn, you’re not a reptile, you’re not. Dippy, that’s me, I’m smart about that. We, we didn’t finish, not finished helping, not yet, Dawn, the Dawn is still hurt, hurting, hurt. Can’t fix, not sure how to fix, but, but friends can think together, be smart together, work, work on it. Yeah, yeah, smart good, good smarts, can, can, can help friends.”
At any other time, I’d be roiling with mirth and laughter, at the moment I’m just waiting in stunned silence to see how Dawn reacts. Despite having only exchanged a few words with Dippy while we were running this direction, she took to his friendship. She lets out a sad half laugh, shaking her head, perhaps in disbelief.
Dawn answers, “Yeah Dippy, yeah, you’re smart like that buddy. I’m glad we’re friends. You do help. You help a lot.”
Dippy beams with pride, and, as per usual when he has been too excitable too late into the night, falls over, passing out mid-smile. I look at Dawn, trying to ask with my eyes if there’s anything I can do for her, but she doesn’t meet my gaze. Barring being able to help Dawn, I can at least tuck Dippy in near Zippy. They’ve got their weird little mobile nest thing to sleep in, I think it’s a bunch of debris glued with sap to the inside of their old large round-shield. Even if they could pass out comfortably in the mud, they still need to stay warm. I’ll fetch an extra blanket to help him fight the bitter chill of tonight’s air. There, Dippy’s tucked in. Poor guy is so excitable. He’s really kind of great in a lot of ways. I hope our adventure helps him out, and his tribe. He’ll probably be leaving us tomorrow, now that he helped us track the oracle’s weird prophecy.
Dawn coughs, drawing my attention as she somewhat mumbles, “That was, uh, a heck of a lot of feelings, and stuff, at once. I think. Wasn’t it? I’m sorry I spazzed out on you about it. I, I guess, I guess maybe we kinda do have stuff to do with that in common, like you hinted at, a long time ago.”
Dawn huffs and begins to rant, “This whole thing about my soul being shredded, feeding some awful spell, that being why my senses and emotions are all out of whack, it sucks. The only way to stop the spell is to permanently destroy my whole soul? No afterlife? Nothing? How would I even do it? It, it’s not fair. I, I’m not supposed to be able to feel this strongly, but I hate it, I hate it!”
Dawn actually sniffles and sheds a tear, surprising both of us. She catches the tear on her right index finger and stares at it, dumbfounded. As far as we both know, almost everything in her body is shut down, nothing works to produce tears, or snot.
Dawn rambles, “I, I don’t know, I don’t know what this means. What does this mean? It’s not fair, why do things keep getting weirder and worse? It was bad enough more or less not feeling anything, but now all I get to feel is, is this? I don’t even know anymore. Maybe I should break the spell.”
My eyes shoot wide when Dawn hints at giving up the entirety of her being, permanently, I’m not even sure how she would accomplish it, what sort of horrid entity she’d have to contact to be able to obliterate her own soul completely from the universe.
She looks at my panic stricken face and forces a smile, stating, “No, I guess not. I’ve got some friends here, right? Hey, um, if it comes down to it, if I’m trapped in my body and can no longer like move or talk or see or anything, I need you to promise me you’ll find a way to do me in before the spell does.”
I’m aghast at what’s being requested of me, but I can’t deny her, not about something this important, at a time like this. I acquiesce, “I, I guess I’ll do my best. I’ll try everything in my power to find a workaround first, you know that right?”
She flashes that weak smile yet again, “S’pose I wouldn’t have it any other way. Wouldn’t be you if you didn’t. Rej, I know I’m probably sending mixed signals, and it might be weird, but can I just be kind of, just kind of close to you guys tonight? Just like sit next to you and T. Just, just, you should just, I dunno, just keep your arms around her or something.” She looks ashamed as she adds, “So, so that, so that, ugh. I know that you won’t, I mean, I know you won’t, I trust you, but, but still. I couldn’t bear that hurt again, not from you. Still, just, just sitting there. Maybe?”
I nod to her, barely forming words, “Y, yeah, yes, of course Dawn, no worries about mixed signals. You spelled out your needs, and I’ll do everything I can to respect them. You have it hard enough, without a friend breaking your trust. I’ll never intentionally, you know? Like, if it seems like I am, check me for mind control or being a doppleganger or something, because I would not do that to you.”
Dawn snorts, loosing another pleasant laugh, her mood lightening somewhat. She answers, “Sure thing Rej, sure thing. Maybe we’ll come up with some sort of code word or something. You really are a goon, but you’re a good, um, gal? Er guy? Sorry. I guess, I guess I never got your side of things.”
I shake my head with a half smile, “No, I, um, it’s okay. I’m not a guy, or a girl, I mean, at least biologically you could quite literally tell. I just, I never decided, you know? Some of my inner circle prefer to snuggle someone with a squishy chest, so I like to use this form for them. Some like me in my cherubic form, some enjoy my masculine one. Hell, I actually have a winged draconic form that’s kind of like if Dippy had a lot more muscles, and was built to go between bipedal and all fours before taking to the sky. Oh, and I was green, but like, semi-translucent green.”
My description of my draconic form elicits a confused face from Dawn, and I chuckle mostly at myself as I try to return to my point, “I guess, I guess maybe whatever form I’m in? Maybe, maybe for you at least, for now. If it makes it easier in any way. Like, like if I’ve got the chest bumps, give me a she, if that’s at all easier on you, y’know? If I don’t, a he or a they I guess. For you, and my inner circle. But anyone else that makes an assumption can get bent, and stuffed. I think I’m pretty happy being neither.”
Dawn starts to laugh further yet, her face full of mirth. Still, she can see how drained and worn out I am. Between physical exhaustion of the day, and the emotional exhaustion of our personal friendship dilemma, she suggests I crawl into the sleeping bag with Teuila. I haven’t even bothered to dig out all the heads of the crossbow bolts lodged in various places on my body. Nor have I packed any of the wounds where I’d been sliced.
Dawn helps with some of the bolt-heads lodged in easy-to-pry-out locations on my back that I’d have trouble reaching, so that I can at least lay comfortably on that side without driving them further into my body. I’m not sure if I can heal up all of these wounds over night. Not after we’d done the radiant purge. Can’Z’aasian critterkin heal a lot faster than most biological creatures, but without those powers we had to give up early on, it’s not quite so video-gamey. Still, between Kozzurth’s heart, Miza’s healing, and being from Can’Z’aas, I’ve been recovering at far closer to those old speeds. I am worried though that I’m using up whatever abundance of energy I’m supposed to have obtained from Kozzurth’s heart.
Seems like Dawn and I both have about two months to live as of right now. Or somewhere around thereabouts. Definitely not ideal. Should we head towards this Spine of the World area, searching for dragons? Could they possibly have any sort of aid for Dawn? In some stories, dragons can also turn out to be the most powerful sorcerers and sorceresses in their setting. I guess I’ll just hope that I get hit with some sort of inspiration as to where to go, if Teuila doesn’t have a plan right away in the morning.
We exchange a tiny bit more banter as I snuggle in towards Teuila, wrapping my arms around Te happily. Dawn sits extremely close, as she requested. I even feel an index fingertip resting on where my exposed shoulder would be beneath the sleeping bag. I’m not sure if they know that my nightclothes are torn right there, not that it matters. It’s comforting to me to know that Dawn will watch over us as we sleep, her unending wakeful state letting her feel that her curse is at least somewhat useful. I’m hoping that even if she can’t feel it, she draws at least some minor comfort from this minimal physical contact. Some sense of safety, assurance that we’re here with her, for her.