Almost ashamed to ask, I turn to my newer, red-hued, agendered friend in order to quietly request, “Zayzi? Do you mind if Te joins us? Or Lucky? I’m happy to get a chance to spend more time with you, but Lucky seems down, and, well, Teuila is pretty much my most special someone. My first love. I need to be there for her right now. Te, you wanted to keep sticking together tonight by your wavelength, yeah?”
Teuila nods my way while Xayla asks in an unusual tone, “No kissing?”
As I’m trying to parse how to respond, since I’d already promised to not chase Xayla’s lips, Zayzi beats me to the punch by turning towards Teuila and ordering, “No kissing. Come eat,” then, turning to Lucky, she adds, “Nice doggy, come Hound.”
Teuila seems a bit put out at being ordered around, but I try to reassure her that brusqueness is just part of how Xayla is coping with interacting with reality. When Xayla grips my left hand, and Teuila’s right, and begins marching us along towards the larder, in that lanky, gangly, near limbo-style of ambulatory motion, Teuila seems to relax, realizing Xayla is rather unique.
Trying to confirm with me, Te asks, “Xayla here? This is the one that identifies as they? Just making sure to get the right pronoun.”
Glad that Teuila is sensitive and caring enough to ask about such a topic, I respond, “Aye, yeah, they are. They’re really numbed to the world in a lot of ways, so seeing them out and around, interacting, speaking more than a single word at a time, it’s huge Te, really huge. Thanks for letting me drag you along. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you more intimately more often lately. Your ocean is all kinds of tumultuous, and I’m a horrible partner for not having been available to help you wrangle it.”
Teasingly, Teuila replies, “Darn right! Kidding. You were on a mission, left to camp overnight in enemy territory on your own. Then you had apparently the scariest seven dragons on the planet breathing down your neck while you’re trying to do things. You’re busy setting up a literal mountain of resources, and you’ve made friends, and care about people, and, and, and stuff. And you’re my Airhead, so of course you’re also being kind, and supportive, and falling in lurve, and all that.”
More salaciously, Teuila waggles her eyebrows while adding, “Also apparently shtupping some major hotties, which, I mean, props, credit where it’s due, but that was kinda unexpected to say the least. Sorry, I’m being crass, I know it’s not like that. Yeesh, Zayzi gave me the most hostile grossed out look when I talked about it like that. Huff, anyway, point being, it sucks, but I know it sucks, and I know you’re trying your best. You want to be your best for everyone, and that means so much to me. You being you is so, so, so, so very important to me Airhead. My Airhead, my Air, the very air that I breathe.”
I’d lean my head against Teuila’s at the moment if I could, but we’re being dragged along at Xayla’s incongruous jerky pace, separated at a fairly wide angle behind Zayzi. Lucky is plodding along dutifully beside me, and in thinkspace, he’s simply wandering circles around the hill in my mindscape. I wear a lopsided half frown, unsure how to interpret what’s going on with Lucky. I think he might be worried about Prinrin, since he helped us save her, and the whole wedding thing might be weirding him out.
The faintest hint of words coming from Lucky are hard to intercept, let alone understand. I could swear they equate to, “Other parent doesn’t love parent the most? Parent loves other parent the most.”
If I recall correctly, I’m, “other parent,” while Luni is, “parent.” Does Lucky think I don’t love Luni enough? Fudge. I’ve been neglecting the people I care most about. This reunion has gone all kinds of wrong. I barely get to spend any time with my inner circle other than some of the nights we get to sleep together.
Seemingly out of left field, Zayzi asks, “Not Kinzul?” When it takes me more than a moment to respond, realizing they’d left me confused, they add, “Most special. Married.”
Blushing heatedly, I have no idea how to respond. I don’t like the idea of quantifying the love I have for various members of my beloved inner circle, or romantic partners.
Trying my best to answer, I ramble, “It’s, well, it’s hard to say something like most special. Like I said earlier, in a lot of ways, Teuila is my most special someone, because she’s the first woman I fell in love with. She—.”
Teuila grins wickedly my way as she viciously waggles her brows in an unrelenting tease, abusing her spot as having been mentioned as my more or less most special. Te pouts momentarily when my inner narrative labels her actions abuse, but thankfully she knows I don’t really mean that. What else can I even say about this? I *still* haven’t categorized the love I have for Kinzul. I’m married to the woman, and I don’t even have names for appropriate boxes to place my feelings for her within.
Some of the difficulty now that we’re bonded might be because it seems like an impossibility. My cynical side thinks of it more like an ancient being simply deigning to amuse herself with my company on a whim, rather than the sort of deeply abiding affection we have towards one another for our shared desire to see peace, joy, and love be fostered throughout the lands. Huff. Heaving a sigh I shake my head almost imperceptibly.
Doing my best to return to responding to Xayla’s question, I guess, “I don’t really have real numbers to say who I love the most in which way. Teuila is my first love though, the person who first set my heart fluttering in the way that being in love does. I never want to lose that. She’s special to me, she needs me, wants me, and I need for her to be happy. I want her to be happy, and to be near, and safe, and, just so many things. I mean, I want that for you too, to be happy, and safe, but I’m not trying to—.”
Zayzi interrupts me to remind me, “No kissing. No dating.”
Nodding, I respond, “Yeah, that’s what I was going to say. Just because I want similar things, doesn’t mean I want to achieve them in the same way, or even think that I should. I think you’re swell. I really like you Zayzi, and I understand only a tiny bit of what you’re going through, but when I get to see you smile, or just share things together with you, either words, emotions, thoughts, or sweets, well, it’s really nice, it’s enjoyable. I hope you’re benefiting from my friendship. I don’t know what more to add to that.”
Xayla stops, drops our hands, and turns to face me. Their face is beet red, and their eyes are downcast for a moment. Zayzi apparently struggles with their facial features, until they’re wearing a nearly full smile. Bearing that smile, Xayla then struggles with softening their gaze, which they turn towards me, Teuila, and Lucky, for a moment. Their face resumes its usually placid expression, and they resume gripping our hands to continue leading us towards the larder. Wearing an emotionally-touched half-smile myself, I share a glance with Teuila, who seems to be understanding fairly well just how much Xayla might be struggling at the moment, considering how deeply Teuila knows my own emotional struggles.
Arriving in the larder, clattering noises and cussing alerts us to the presence of someone within. From the flavor of the strained, hissed cursing of the voice, it’s obvious to me that it’s Induul. Furrowing my brow, and frowning, I gently extricate my hand from Xayla’s as I try to approach the larder alone, first. Sadly, Xayla ignores caution, and enters alongside me, dragging Teuila and Lucky along behind.
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Induul’s eyes are bloodshot. He’s fidgeting and scratching, and when his gaze takes in Xayla, the way his crazed eyes drink in Xayla’s form is supremely unsettling to me. I know he’s not in his right mind, but the emotions that flow forth across his mental wavelength are—. They’re despicable. That desire to drown himself in carnal pleasure in order to seek relief from his symptoms, at anyone else’s expense is something I cannot abide. Xayla doesn’t even seem to understand the danger they’re currently in, due to their dissociated nature, barely noticing reality around them.
Sensing the lust struggling to Induul’s foremost thoughts, I growl a warning, “Induul, I think you should return to your dorm and try to get some sleep. I know it’s rough on you right now, you’re in a bad way, but the thoughts going through your head right now are only going to end in a heap of hurt.”
Snearing, Induul asks, “Hurting more than *this*!? Pah, I doubt it. I need it Schism, I need something. I begged you. Maybe if Tenith over there had scales—.”
My eyes flash with growing anger, but Induul doesn’t back down, “Nah, she doesn’t quite do it. The Fire next to you isn’t normally quite my type, but any port—.”
Gritting my teeth, I exclaim, “Induul, if you finish that sentence as a way to refer to any resident of Mount Solace, I’m warning you, I will knock you senseless and chain you in the dungeon to ride out your withdrawal.”
Weaseling away from me slightly, placing his hands up placatingly in front of him, Induul pretends to back down, “Right, right, sorry, mighty Schism, oh great pinnacle of virtue. I’ll head to the infirmary. I’m sure something,” under his breath he adds, “or someone,” before finishing, “there will take the edge off.”
Friggin’ hell. I can sense exactly what he’s planning due to his warped state of mind letting his emotions rest fully visibly across our mental wavelength. What the hell is the right thing to do here? He’s out of his mind with desire to escape his symptoms. He’s going to do unforgivable things if he’s given an opportunity. I don’t know if I could forgive myself if I let him go, knowing he’s going to do them.
This is so effed up. He’s screwed up because Farzhee introduced him to something that’s more addicting to Poisons, to Greens. Farzhee regrets the hell out of it, and cut him off, as part of her path towards attempting to redeem herself, but I’m sure she’d realize her hand in this if it turned out Induul did something awful after I ended up letting him go. Would she feel appropriately guilty? Would I want that for her, when she’s struggling to be a better person already?
I said only a short while ago that I’m not going to hurt him to reduce this other pain he’s suffering. We barely have any resources that could be brought to bear however. Chaining him up is quite literally one of the only things I can think of, except for possibly screwing around with magics that I don’t understand. I’d be attempting those magics in order to mess with biology that I also don’t understand, in order to reduce chemical pollution of a piping substance that I also don’t understand, within Induul’s mind and body.
Diving into a moment between moments, seeking the non, the absence of the flow of time, I try to puzzle out what I can do. I could, and should definitely inform the other members of the Order about Induul's struggle and the danger he currently seems to pose. They could maybe help devise a plan to keep an eye on him. I need a safe environment for Indy where he can detox without harming anyone. The only secluded area with limited access to vulnerable individuals that I can think of is the prison, or my personal vault. I do not want someone riding out waves of withdrawal around a bunch of unidentified magical potions and artifacts. Who knows what harm he could accidentally do to himself, or others.
I really wish magical cureall healers were a thing. I could benefit from even just knowing a skilled healer or mage who can handle addiction or mental health. Friggin’ hell, I have no way to know if there are remedies, potions, or magical interventions that can help alleviate Induul's symptoms and redirect his thoughts. I mean, I doubt it, magic has never been simply, “Here, top off your hitpoints and wipe away all afflictions,” to my understanding.
Gods, poor Indy needs a support system. Right now, all his friends are going through stages of grief and loss. Veril might be the only one that he knows that is in a state of mind to maybe look out for him, but he thinks of Veril almost as a joke, based on the emotional wavelengths I got from him. He feels snubbed by Farzhee, and in a way he is. The two definitely aren’t right for meeting each other’s needs right now though.
Farzhis is suffering, and she regrets introducing Induul to the piping herb, but she’s not emotionally well enough to provide the emotional support that Indy needs right now. Having companions who understand his struggle would be a huge boon, but I don’t know if anyone does. Del seemed to have some knowledge, but she has a new son to look after, and I wouldn’t want him subjected to Induul’s condition or possible hostilities.
I can try to tone down my own aggression towards Induul, expressing concern and emphasizing the need for him to control his own actions. Then again, I’m me, and I so often end up having to resort to violence, or threat of it. Can I help him regain some control over his thoughts and behavior with words alone? Huff, probably not unless they’re some really scary damned words.
I don’t have the capacity or energy to keep a close eye on Induul, particularly when he’s vulnerable and aggressive like this. I’m fairly sure I should be prepared to physically restrain him, which sucks. Is there anyone within Mount Solace that might have advice? Did Kinzul or Prinrin know that our previous “The Blue” was being medicated for his pain by Farzhee providing piping herb? Well, maybe it’s not even herb, if it’s like, seared necromantic undead flesh grits or something. Friggin’ heck, I wish someone could provide guidance on handling these sorts of things, but I literally don’t even know what I’m dealing with.
I’m pretty sure Kinzul expects me to be able to handle something like this on my own. Induul is a danger to himself and others in this state. He’s agitated, looking for release and relief in any way possible. Preventing him from achieving that relief or release is going to be seen as personally hurting him, *at the very least* until he returns to his right mind. He might always bear the grudge though, because I don’t know enough about his personality when not on the drug, or how the drug affects someone long term.
Whatever the plan needs to end up being, I can’t do it alone. Induul needs help, and I’m just not enough to help him in the ways he needs right now, without sacrificing something of myself, in order to keep him from committing terrible acts that he might live to regret. Alright, return to the regular flow of time, and get Teuila, and maybe Kinzul to help. I hate that this is how it has to be. I wish I could do more for Induul, but it’s probably going to devolve into violence.
Returning to the flow of time, I reach out simultaneously to Teuila, and testingly towards Kinzul, “Kinzul my love? Are you awake and in range? Induul is in a bad way. He’s going to commit unforgivable acts if something isn’t done to prevent him from seeking relief from his withdrawal symptoms. I don’t know the compassionate thing to do to help him, while protecting everyone else, especially the vulnerable, from his current state of mind.”
The sadness in the wavelength I receive from Kinzul speaks volumes that she’d feared as much might be going on before she responds, “I had hoped it might not come to such a conclusion. I of course knew that Farzhis provided her father the piping substance to dull his pains, and that she introduced it to Induul. I choose to not rule Mount Solace, or those within it, so I thought not to interfere, but this is most dire.”
After a brief pause, Kinzul continues with a half-hearted suggestion, “Induul’s mother may be better suited to handling this situation, but I’m loathe to send him back to Ka’thuul, especially in this state. Ka’thuul’s ability to handle Induul’s addiction is not even a guarantee however. She may simply do what I imagine you’re planning to do, isolating him from everyone else. Or perhaps she has access to a supply of the drug, and would simply let him resume partaking. Beloved Schism, Reggie my love, I am weary. I must ask of you to deal with this as you see fit. Guiding and guarding Induul, subduing him, or sending him to his only other family.”
Teuila’s eyes are fairly wide at hearing Kinzul’s statement through my internal mental narrative, and she’s not any better equipped than I am to make a choice about how to handle Induul right now. This whole situation is pretty awful. I’ll try my best though. It’s not like I can just get Induul to eat some vegetables that magically remove withdrawal symptoms. I don’t think any greens on any world would do that. Funnily enough, he’s our, “The Green,” and his mother is the one Green, or Poison, that I don’t think any member of the Order should be around. Heck, it’s almost ironic that I think of Ka’thuul as toxic, and drugs as a kind of poison, with poor Indy suffering his way through this. I’m distracting myself. I need to pay attention to reality, and handle this.