「The Dungeon Replenishment Committee…」

The man meekly explains, trying to make himself even smaller on the ground.

「The Dungeon fucking what what?」

Straf asks, he straightens out a little as confusion properly sets in.

「The Dungeon Replenishment Committee. We are tasked with replenishing the dungeons and making them attractive for the adventurers…」

The man explains, plaintively gesturing with his hands.

「What the fuck do you mean replenishing the dungeons? Attractive for the adventurers!? Stop speaking in riddles, or your balls are going to get it!」

「Do I stomp him flat, Straf?」

Lily raises her boot above his groin, maliciously grinning.

「Nononononono!」

The man pleads in panic, shaking his head.

「Not yet, Lily. Now answer my questions!」

Straf glances at Lily, before giving the man a violent shake again. Lily sighs, and lowers her boot down onto the ground.

「Yet!?」

The man's voice cracks, as he looks at Straf with terrified eyes.

「Explain yourself!」

「Ah!! We put little rewards into chests, leave things for adventurers to loot laying around, reset the traps, place monsters within dungeons!」

He quickly explains, trying to save himself.

「But why the fuck? What's wrong with you? Can't you just leave adventurers to y'know, actually adventure? Do you have to place them in this fucked up Skinner box?」

Straf asks, somewhat calming down as his indignance is replaced by confusion.

「…How many ancient crypts, or forgotten dungeons, and abandoned castles do you think there are out there!? There's a new one found maybe once every 10, 20 years!」

The man exclaims, trying to pry his robe out of Straf's hands.

「That doesn't answer my question, why do you leave shit in here? Isn't that the point of adventurers? Clean places up, then go home? Maybe if there's no more adventurers to have, it's time to call it and become a fucking cobbler.」

Confounded, Straf lets go of the man. He drops onto the floor with his back, kicking up the ages old dust. Straf stands up, looking down at the man with his fists on his hips.

「Because of the economy! Adventurers are business! Adventurers' guild commissions for real quests! Mages' guild! Alchemists! Armorers! Weapon smiths! Healers! Inns! Even the peasants that produce food are benefiting from the constant demand, created by the inflow of adventurers!」

The man shouts at Straf as he lays at his feet, looking at Lily with worried eyes as she glares down at him. Straf blinks, staring at a wall with his mouth agape.

「Wow… Woooooow. You created the military-industrial complex, but with adventurers? You guys are more fucked up than I thought.」

Straf points his hand at the man below him as he speaks, awed at the locals' craftiness, much ahead of its times.

「Ugh… Can I get up now?」

The man grunts, nervously glancing at Lily and Straf. Straf and Lily glance at each other, and Straf shrugs his shoulders.

「I guess. I think you're the MVP here Lily, I don't think he'd tell me half of this stuff if I just slapped him around.」

Straf sighs, and Lily rolls her eyes in disappointment, walking away from the dungeon keeper with a pout. He gets up, and dusts his robes off.

「But I still have some questions… What happens if a party gets wiped out? I mean, those blades back there would probably be a nasty surprise for some kid.」

Straf points his thumb over his shoulder at the doorway.

「Why, their equipment is liquidated, and the money they have is set aside for that particular dungeon.」

The dungeon keeper says, nonchalantly admitting to a to-whom-it-may-concern murder plot as he pats his behind off of dust.

「Seriously? And you don't feel bad knowing that some spiky-haired kid gets gutted by a zombie?」

Straf scoffs in disbelief at the organization's utilitarianism.

「Adventuring is a dangerous job!… What's a zombie?」

He asks, aborting his previous thought.

「This thing.」

Straf opens his [Portable Storage], and pulls the ghoul out just enough for his decaying head to be visible to the man.

「Ahh!! Put it back! Put it back!」

He jumps back and screams, shielding himself from the dimensional pocket monster. Straf shoves the ghoul back in, and the purple vortex closes.

「For someone who basically admits to being a proxy murderer, you sure can't smell what you deal. Honestly, I don't blame you, it does smell kind of awful…」

Straf rubs his clean hands in a fit of germophobic paranoia, and then puts them on his hips. He shrugs, as he emphasizes with the ruthless crypt janitor.

「I'm not a murderer! They know it's dangerous! What do you think the skeletons outside are for!? It's meant to be a warning, and an invitation!」

The man shouts at Straf, frantically waving his arms about to explain himself.

「Yeah, you need to be this high level for this ride. I know. Why are you so scared of a zombie, if you're working here? Don't you see them every day?」

Straf shrugs again.

「I avoid them with the passages we built into the dungeon! Sometimes, I have to hide in a place like this. They're good enough for the undead, their vision is awful, and they're incredibly stupid. I can't believe someone found one of the hiding spots…」

The man sighs in disappointment, looking at the open hide-from-the-monster closet.

「Let me guess, you have a secret tunnel that leads you all the way to the entrance, huh?」

「…Yes, we do.」

The man nods, and an uncomfortable silence begins, broken only by distant moaning as they stare at each other.

「…Cool. Can I see it? I'm out of this fucking hole, and I don't feel like walking all the way back.」

Straf shrugs his hands, and the man groans.

「Very well… I am not supposed to show these to outsiders, but I suppose there's no harm done if you already know about us.」

The man waves his hand for Straf to follow, and leaves the room after peeking outside the doorway. He leads Straf and Lily towards a nearby wall they have passed not too long ago, and seemingly digs his fingers into the wall. It swings open, revealing a narrow and dimly lit passge, illuminated by lamp-like contraptions with a blue gem floating within.

「Pull the chain at the end, it'll open the exit. And shut the door behind you! Last thing I need is someone to get all the way to the end by accident!」

The man waves his hand towards the passage with a sour expression, holding onto the door.

「Cool. Have fun killing kids, psycho. Let's go, Lily.」

「…Scum.」

With his hands in his pockets, Straf walks into the tunnel, and Lily snarls a parting remark for the man, glaring at him as she passes by. He pushes the wall shut behind them, and they continue onward.

「Maaan… What a fucking disappointment and a waste of time. It makes too much sense. Why wasn't it magic? Or some time-warp bullshit? Tsk.」

Straf complains loudly as they ascend a set of spiral steps.

「As you can see, Straf, humans have no regard for one another. Why should I? Why should you? At least vampires don't hold a pretense like this.」

Lily says, walking behind Straf through the narrow corridor.

「Hey, I have no regard for that guy either, Lily. Or most everyone. I'm just not going to be a vampire, let it go.」

「Tsk. I wish you'd change your mind…」

Lily clicks her tongue and pouts, as they arrive at a chain with a ring to pull on, sticking out of a wall, and presumably connected to some mechanism within. Straf gives the chain a tug.

Clackclackclackclack. Crrrrrrk.

A sound of a clockwork-like mechanism emanates from within the walls. The wall in front of them swings open, flooding natural light into the blue, magically-lit corridor. After Straf walks out, Lily unfolds her parasol.

「Straf, could you? I can't get past with my parasol open…」

She points at the open segment of the fake wall, as Straf stops to look over his shoulder.

「Tsk, fine…」

Slam!

He shrugs his shoulders, and shoves the wall shut.

「Where to now?」

Lily asks, following Straf out of the building and into the graveyard.

「Dunno. It's still not that late, want to go home?」

Straf shrugs, walking with his hands in his pockets with a bored expression.

「Yes! Ahem… Of course.」

The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

Lily almost pumps her fist out of glee, but manages to contain herself. She clears her throat unconvincingly, before regaining her ladylike manner…

…

Straf and Lily walk down the road to the castle she calls home, and enter Ossen along the way.

「Ah, since we're here, mind coming along with me for a second?」

Straf's bored face animates when he realizes he has a business to attend to. He glances down at Lily's parasol, and asks.

「Of course, but do you mind not taking too long? If we pick up the pace a little, we'll be there before sundown…」

Lily peeks up from beneath her parasol into Straf's eyes, and nods. She tilts her head a little, making her request.

「Just a quick in and out, Lily. I just have to deliver something…」

Straf walks towards the sewer entrance he came through previously. The door has been provisionally repaired, and chained shut. He grabs the bars, and pushes the door into the sewer again, snapping the chain as if it were made of a fragile thread. Lily smirks at the sight, but remains silent, and folds her parasol as they descend down the stairs…

…

Clank!

「Wha-!?」

「Here. I'm the boss now.」

Straf says as he drops the heavy golden scepter onto Fost's table. His jaw drops, and the sight of the scepter elicits a similar reaction from most of the thieves' guild's sticky-fingers.

「How did you-!?」

Fost shouts, standing up from his chair in shock. He reaches for the scepter…

Slap!

…But Straf slaps his hand away.

「No. It's mine. I'm only showing it to you. So, am I the boss? Do I get your mug?」

Straf asks, placing his hands in his pockets as Lily stands by the entrance. Fost manages to collect himself a little, and sits back down.

「Well… Well, well, well… Hahaha…」

Fost looks at the scepter, then at his gem-encrusted mug, and starts chuckling with his head lowered. His stringy hair falls onto his face as he grins.

「Don't tell me you were just joking. I know this is kind of a large jump in ranks, but a deal is a deal.」

Straf shrugs, looking down at the cackling thief.

「Uh-huh… A deal is a deal…」

He nods his head with a grin, and downs the rest of what was in his mug, then slides it towards Straf across the table.

「Alright, listen up everyone!… From now on, I guess Straf here is your new boss!」

Fost announces, spreading his arms as he addresses the sticky-fingers in the room.

「Yeah, about that. I'm the boss, but you're the manager. You keep doing what you're doing here, I don't feel like handling the day-to-day operation. In fact, think of it as a restructuring under a new management. I'm the owner, and you're the CEO, got it?」

Straf takes the mug and the scepter, and points his finger at Fost as he explains his idea of Thieves Incorporated, and walks away from the CEO's table.

「…What the fuck are you talking about, man?- Ah!!」

Fost stares at Straf in amused confusion with his hands spread, before shouting in panic as Straf walks up to the fence, sitting at his table with his arms crossed.

Clank.

「How much is this going to get me?」

Straf asks Beard, as he places the bejeweled mug on his table, and he chuckles quietly with a massive grin on his face, as he looks at Fost.

「Wait! Wait, wait, wait! I'll buy it off of you! Beard! I'll pay!」

Fost stands up and runs up to the fence's table, trying to negotiate his mug back…

…

After roughly 15 minutes of hard negotiations, Fost sits down with a sigh, clutching onto his mug.

「Shit… I can't believe you'd be so heartless, Straf… This thing here is my favorite! It reminds me of the good times, when I was just a wee scrawny lad, slippin' in through the windows! Can't believe my own mug cost me a fortune…」

Defeated, Fost hides his face in his hand, mumbling idle complaints.

「Hey, think of it this way, you technically got promoted. This is now a for-profit company. Start making money.」

Straf grins, and throws the scepter into [Portable Storage]. Lily smugly smirks as she watches him utterly dominate the room, before a peculiar orange-eyed woman approaches her.

「…And who is this? Your daughter?」

Nona asks, with her hands clasped behind her back as she leans forward a little to take a better look at Lily.

「Human worm, how dare you-!? Ah. Hahahah…」

Lily is about to explode into another derisive chain of insults, before looking with a scowl at Nona's eyes. As if Lily just had a complete change of heart, she grins, and looks aside while laughing with her arms crossed.

「Hm?」

Nona tilts her head, her amber eyes blink in confusion at the little girl before her.

「What's so funny, Lily? Thought you were about to go on your「Grrr! Blasted humans!」rant.」

Straf walks up to Lily and the athletic thief girl.

「Yeah, who is she, Straf? You brought that anarchist girl here the other day, that's fine. But what's a little girl doing here? Are you a womanizer, or something? Have a thing for little girls?」

Fost chuckles, grinning at Straf, who suddenly grimaces heavily.

「Hey! Rumors spread way too fucking fast around here! It was a misunderstanding alright!?」

Straf shouts, angrily pointing his finger at Fost. Fost's grin disappears, and he looks at the rest of the thieves with a concerned expression on his face.

「I was just… Joking…」

Fost says, with his brows furrowed with a heavily troubled expression.

「Well… Keep your jokes to yourself. I need my reputation untarnished to access most of the cliches still. Good grief…」

Straf sighs, and shakes his head, placing his hand back in his pocket. Lily stares at Nona in silence, smugly smiling at her, almost holding back laughter.

「So, what's so funny, Lily?」

「Ah, nothing… Just a little rarity.」

Lily smirks, looking at the confused thief girl with her arms crossed.

「Are you done here, Straf?」

Lily turns her gaze to Straf, and asks, nonchalantly ignoring Nona in front of her.

「Yeah, I guess. Let's go. Hey, Fost! Profit margins! I'll be back for the earnings!」

Straf shrugs, and enters the doorway, before turning to Fost and snapping his fingers. He points at Fost as he shouts bizarre corporate-speak, and leaves. A brief silence falls on the thieves' guild as Lily and Straf depart.

「Uh… He doesn't… He's not actually into kids, right?」

Fost nervously asks as he looks around the guild.

「Naaah! No, no, no! No way! I mean, remember the girl he came with!? She's so pretty! They must be married, and that's their daughter! Come oooon, Fost! Ha… Ha…」

Nona dismissively waves her hand and shakes her head, as she defends Straf with a large, nervous grin. She waves her hand again, tilting her head, before letting out an unconvincing forced chuckle…

…

Straf and Lily leave Ossen, and head in the direction of Lily's castle. Along the way, multiple monsters beset them, and they reduce them to splatters and chunks of mangled flesh, as they have a relaxed discussion about vampires.

Splat!

A horned canid slams into a tree, cracking it, and explodes into bloody chunks after being nonchalantly thrown aside by its neck by Lily.

「…Annoyance. As I was saying, the vampires figured the best way to obtain dominance was to join forces with the demon lord. We are strongly hierarchical you see, perhaps due to the principle vampirism works by.」

Lily casually gestures with the hand she nearly atomized a beast almost twice her size.

「You mean the inheritance? Daddy vampire, mommy vampire kind of thing?」

Straf asks, and a horndog leaps out of a bush at him, trying to gore him. He swats it out of the air with a backhanded slap, and the beast flies off in a parabolic arc above the trees.

「Tsk, you simplify it too much, Straf… But yes, the elder vampires are generally more powerful than the fledglings they transform. Although… My master did serve as a form of a father figure to me…」

Lily looks aside in gloom for a moment, as she reminiscences her master.

「Yeah, not that hard to tell. You said generally, that means there's cases where the younger vampire was stronger?」

Looking ahead, Straf shrugs, then peeks at Lily's parasol again.

「Yes, there were. Extremely rare, however. My master was one such case, and it is also why he could survive the abrupt end of the Ash Nights. Me, too. It apparently depends on the magic capacity, but I'd have to refresh my memory on that. I have many ancient and interesting books at my castle, Straf. Would you like to see?」

Lily asks, smugly smiling at Straf with her red eyes narrowed.

「Sure. Not sure how I feel about reading some nerd's lore, but vampires are fucking metal around here.」

Straf shrugs again, tilting his head a little.

「…What is metal, Straf? In sense, you seem to use that word to describe things.」

Lily tilts her head, and her golden twin-tails jiggle a little as she walks beside Straf.

「Ah, it's… It's kind of like cool, and tough, and uhh…」

Straf rubs his chin as he thinks.

「Elegant?」

Lily chimes in with a question.

「Uh, no… I wouldn't call it elegant… Okay, perfect example. Remember when you ripped those rats apart? That's metal. When I slashed the big rat in half and there was blood raining everywhere…」

Straf extends his index finger as he explains the concept to Lily, who attentively nods.

Snap.

「…That is fucking metal.」

Straf snaps his fingers, and points at Lily with a grin. Lily grins back, and lowers her head as she chuckles quietly.

「I see… In other words, metal is power.」

「Uh, no, not exactly… I mean there is power metal, but… I mean, close enough, really. It's fine…」

Straf stammers, before giving up and simply shrugging his shoulders. Lily's castle ominously looms in the distance, on top of a mountain's ridge…