Week one.

Straf and Lily arrive at a foggy, gloomy graveyard amidst a dark forest. Straf takes a look at the gravestones, and a few skeletons shambling in the background. They clutch at shattered and rusted swords with their bony hands.

「…What is it that you expect to find here, exactly?」

Lily asks Straf as he takes in the picture-perfect example of a generic, spooky, undead-filled graveyard.

「I am betting on a few things, but let's just see them for ourselves, shall we?」

Straf shrugs, then takes wide and confident steps towards the graveyard, that would send most normal people running in panic. One of the skeletons turns its vacant eye sockets towards him. Like a pair of spotlights, they emanate a red glow, and the walking bones stare at him in an awkward hunchbacked slouch.

Eventually, with a rattle of its bones, the skeleton turns towards Straf, and starts shambling at him. Its steps are awkward, uneven, very much like a drunkard barely on his feet. Its skeletal arms sway as it holds them limp in front of itself, before marginally lifting a sword that is missing a quarter of its blade.

Straf opens his [Portable Storage], and starts drawing the real legendary hero's sword out of the rip in space with a horrible, indescribable sound. It alerts the other skeletons around, and they too begin shambling towards him.

「…Should I move them out of your way, Straf?-」

Lily asks, watching the skeleton pick up its speed and lift the sword above its skull as it runs at Straf, with wobbly and unsteady wide hops. Its bones clitter and clack, and its limp jaw jumps up and down with each fast step.

「Wait, hold on…」

Just as he is about to fully pull his sword out, he throws it back into the purple vortex, rubbing his chin with his brows furrowed. The skeleton lets out a completely silent battle-cry as it closes in, and it swings its damaged sword at Straf.

It slashes through the thin air, and stumbles forward. It remains hunched over, in a slouching stance that would be very uncomfortable if the skeleton were still a living being. It lifts its head up to look around.

Its eye sockets, void of anything except a red glow, scan its surroundings. It looks at the empty, misty forest off to the side, then swings its head around. It stares at Lily, who is staring back at it with an unimpressed face.

The skeleton mostly straightens out, and Lily fails to captivate its interest. The skeleton blankly stares into the distance ahead with its jaw hanging loosely, before Straf grabs its spine from behind, and lifts it up.

He opens [Portable Storage] again, and carefully moves the skeleton towards it, taking care not to give the animated bones an unplanned disassembly. The skeleton flies into the purple whirl, and the rip in space shuts.

「Heh. Small living beings, huh? How about unliving ones?」

Straf grins, looking at the point in space the vortex was just in.

「You are taking skeletons with you now? Why?」

Lily asks, walking closer to Straf as the skeletons shamble up to them.

「Why not? They're free, Lily. Why would I not catch a dimensional pocket monster if it's free?」

Straf shrugs, grinning at the undead girl as he ignores the deadly undead threat behind him.

「…Skeletons are extremely weak, though. They're the goblins of the undead world-」

「Oh shit!」

Straf blinks, thinking about something as he partially listens to Lily. He shouts in shock, his brows shoot up, and his eyes snap wide open.

「What!? Do you need help!?」

Lily is somewhat alerted by Straf's sudden shout. Another skeleton swings at thin air, as Straf appears to teleport behind the skeleton.

「Lily, forget what I said just now!」

Straf shouts, his voice echoing across the deathly silent hallowed grounds. A purple rip in space opens again, and another skeleton flies in with a bony rattle.

「Huh? About free skeletons?」

She tilts her head, and her golden twin-tails sway in the cold wind.

「No! About the dimension po- The last part!」

Straf effortlessly dodges another lethal slash from an ancient blade with no effort at all, then throws the last skeleton in.

「Pocket mon-?」

「Lily! No! Do not finish that sentence! We are already toeing the line!」

Straf shouts, pointing at Lily in wide-eyed desperation.

「…Why?」

「Do not ever say that! You will get lawyers on our ass!」

Straf keeps pointing frantically at Lily, while her scarlet eyes blink in confusion.

「What are lawyers?」

She asks, tilting her head again.

「They are like vampires, Lily. Except much more evil, and not undead. One wrong word can summon them, so be careful.」

Straf cautions Lily with his index finger extended, and turns around towards the center of the foggy graveyard.

「Huh… Very well.」

Lily shrugs her shoulders, and moves to stand beside Straf.

「Let's go check out that building there. Figure it's the crypt the guild girl mentioned?」

Straf says, as he looks at the tall, yet small building in the center of the graveyard. It strongly resembles the Redwing mausoleum found in the capital.

「Yes, that would make sense.」

Lily nods, and they approach the building's tall doors. Straf pushes them apart with ease. Stairs within, illuminated by dancing torch flames, stretch on downward.

「Ancient crypt. Torches lit. Check.」

Straf looks at the torch sconces with his fists on his hips, and scoffs. He shakes his head and sighs, then starts walking down the stairs. Lily folds her parasol as soon as they are out of the dim, natural light of the outside.

A quiet, ominous howl of wind and a clatter of bones somewhere deep within the crypt is the only sound accompanying Straf's footsteps, as he descends the last step of the stairs.

「Didn't they say this place was abandoned for a hundred years or so? Who keeps replacing all the torches?」

Straf asks, pointing his hand at the lit torches on the walls.

「Perhaps time doesn't work quite as expected here?」

Lily theorizes, her scarlet eyes reflect the orange glitter of the flame up at Straf.

「That's a really convenient explanation, but no, I just know it's something stupid. Let's go.」

Straf continues onward through the dimly-lit halls, placing more skeletons in his [Portable Storage] as he goes. Eventually, he abruptly stops, and halts Lily by blocking her path with his arm as well.

「What?」

Somewhat confused, Lily asks as she looks up at Straf's face. He pensively stares down at his feet, and she takes a look as well, to see what is holding his attention.

「Do you see that?」

Straf says, looking at an elevated plate in front of his foot.

「What?- Ah, you're right… Good eye, Straf. That looks like a trap. There may be more this way, perhaps we should take a different route-」

Lily suggests as she looks further along the floor for more plates, but Straf cuts in.

「What? No. I want to trigger it, to see what it does.」

Sounding almost indignant, Straf furrows his brows at Lily's suggestion.

「Huh? Are you sure that's a good idea, Straf? Ancient mechanisms could be dangerous-」

Clack.

Straf steps on the plate, disregarding Lily. Two massive pendulum blades drop from the sides of the hallway, speeding at Straf. With [Contextual Time Perception] active, he looks to the sides with a bored expression.

He waits for the blades to close in with his mouth aslant. Lily's eyes snap open in slow motion, as she sees the sharp trap-blades close in. She tries to shout a warning, but before she can even utter a word…

Clangclang! Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrk!

Straf slaps both of the blades away, bending them upward and jamming them into the ceiling, leaving a vicious gash as they carve the rock to an abrupt halt. Lily jumps, somewhat startled by the sudden deafening noise in the quiet corridors. As the echoes travel deeper into the crypt, the rattling of bones and faint moaning intensifies.

「Wh- What?… But… But those blades must have weighed…」

Lily mumbles to herself as she looks up at the enormous blades stuck in the ceiling. A stream of dust trickles down from it.

「Man, what a lame trap. It's a cliche alright, but I expected arrows that shoot out of the wall, or something like that. Wouldn't that be cooler?」

Straf says, and nonchalantly continues onward with his hands in his pockets. Lily quickly catches up, not wanting to be left behind…

…

As they advance ever further in, and even deeper underground, Straf keeps collecting the skeletons.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

「Oh, look! That's a zombie, isn't it!?」

Straf points at a decayed, shambling, moaning walking corpse they have come across. Straf's loud voice in the otherwise quiet room brings its attention to him, and the dead man lets out an elongated, annoyed-sounding groan, as it drags its foot along the floor, trying its best to get closer to Straf.

「Zombie?… That's a ghoul, Straf. They're just a little above skeletons, I would say. Do not underestimate them.」

Lily tilts her head, furrowing her brows at the unfamiliar word, before explaining the shambling corpse's undead hierarchy.

「Yeah, I said zombi- Gah! This thing fucking reeks! You should have said not to underestimate their smell!」

He shrugs, pointing his hand at the ghoul. When Straf catches a waft of the stale air, he covers his mouth and nose with his hand, turning his head away and wincing at the smell of rotten flesh.

「If you think ghouls smell bad… Well, I will spare you the imagery. It's times long gone, anyway.」

Lily is about to say something, but shakes her twin tails and sighs. The ghoul lets out a tired moan, lifting its jagged cleaver menacingly at Straf. He grabs its wrist, and simply pushes it into the [Portable Storage] that opens behind the ghoul. The vortex closes, and the groaning cuts off.

「Off you fucking go! Ugh. I'm glad I have [Ultra Fresh]… The most unassuming, yet useful ability so far.」

Despite them being pristinely clean, Straf looks at his palms with a disgusted scowl.

「…What fresh?」

Lily asks, with furrowed brows. Each question she asks, she becomes only more confused.

「My ability to stay clean, Lily. Can you imagine if I had to eat with those hands now? Gross. He was all slimy and disgusting.」

Straf wiggles his fingers to check for any sticky or slimyness, then dusts them off of nothing.

「Indeed… If I were alive, that would be rather disgusting… Which is why you should consider my offer, Straf. You would only need a little blood, once in a while.」

Lily sighs, before smiling at Straf smugly with her eyes narrowed.

「Lily, what you're sucking out of me is not a little blood. That, and being immortal is an actual curse. We've discussed this already.」

「But you're such a treat, Straf- Wait, do you hear that?」

Lily says with a smile, placing her clawed hand on her cheek. Suddenly, her eyes snap open, and her head turns to locate a sound better.

「…Nope. Are you sure it wasn't just a homeless guy?」

Straf listens in silence to the quiet halls for a moment, then shrugs.

「Why would there be some homeless wretch here? There's undead everywhere, they'd rip him apart in seconds.」

Lily stares at Straf with an incredulous expression, as her head tilts on its own from Straf's bizarre question.

「Ahhh… Oh, Lily… You are just not cut out to be a guard.」

Amused, Straf sighs. He shakes his head, chuckling as he continues onward.

「…What?」

Confused again, she shakes her head, but Straf only continues chuckling without replying…

…

Deeper into the crypt, Lily and Straf come across a large chest.

「Oh! There it is! Want to bet what's inside, Lily?」

Straf excitedly exclaims, grinning at Lily, before returning his eyes to the coffer before them.

「I'll pass, Straf. I'm not much of a gambler.」

She glances up at his face, before also looking at the chest.

「Come on, at least give it a guess.」

Straf insists, walking up to the chest.

「Very well… Perhaps a pile of gold, like before? Careful. This one may really be trapped.」

Lily sighs, stepping aside.

「Lily, nobody traps chests. First, it's too obvious. Second, it goes against all conventions of adventuring fun. I'm guessing there's some magic shit inside. Okay, here we go… Tururu rururu rururururu…」

Straf scoffs at Lily with a smirk, before placing his hands on the chest. He squats down a little, humming out a little tune, before abruptly flipping the lid open.

「…Wow! What a fucking disappointment!」

「Is it empty?」

Lily asks, walking closer.

「Might as well fucking be.」

Straf groans, and pulls out 3 golden coins, showing them to Lily.

「…That is still quite a lot of money, isn't it, Straf?」

She tilts her head, looking at the coins.

「Two weeks or so ago, I'd say yes. Now I'll say fuck no. More importantly, isn't this crypt supposed to be ancient, or whatever? Why are these coins new?」

Straf asks, looking at the shiny, recently minted coins. The date states 3E 10.

「That's because… That is a good question, actually. Why are they?」

She tilts her head, blinking as she thinks.

Tap tap tap tap! Crrk.

「Straf, did you-?」

「Yeah, I actually heard that. Luckily, you're not going insane.」

Lily and Straf look in the direction of the sound of footsteps they just heard, and the peculiar noise of rock grating against rock. They hurry into the hallway, and follow it into a small, dim, empty room.

「…Nothing, huh? Could it be illusions?」

Lily looks around the dark room, and finds nothing of interest.

「Huh… I could have sworn there was someone here- Wait a minute…」

Straf takes a look around as well, and his brows furrow when he finds footprints on the dusty floor. He follows them to a wall, where they cut off.

「Footprints? Really good eye, Straf. How did you notice that? There is no chance I would have seen this without a close inspection.」

Lily asks, as Straf pensively stares at the wall with his fists on his hips.

「Nevermind that… I need to figure out why… A-ha!」

Straf exclaims victoriously, and pulls on a well-hidden crevice in the wall. It swings open like a door.

Crrrrrrk!

「Ahhhhhh!!」

「You son of a bitch! I knew it!」

Straf shouts full of indignance, and grabs the man hiding within a fake wall closet by his clothes, ripping him out of his hiding place and throwing him onto the floor. He screams in panic, holding his hands up in surrender as Straf has his hand balled into a fist, and cocked back.

「A human? Here, after all?」

Lily says in disbelief, staring at the terrified man on the floor. He looks up at her face.

「Ahhhhhh!! Vampire!!」

He screams even louder, pointing at Lily.

「Shut up, you yapping mutt.」

Lily scowls at the man, and drives her heel into his stomach, twisting and turning her boot painfully.

「Ow ow ow ow ow! Please stop! I can explain!」

The man pleads, writhing in pain as Lily continues to step on him.

「Well, you fucking better! What is the meaning of this!? Why were you in a wall, and it's not some sort of schizophrenic delusion of mine!?」

Straf violently shakes the man by his black robes, and his head wobbles back and forth like a bobblehead.

「What does schizophreniac even mean!?」

Slap!

「I am the one asking questions here! What are you doing here!? Are you the one keeping the torches lit!?」

Straf slaps the man across the face, and his head flies to the side. He is momentarily dazed, as if he was just given a powerful punch.

「Argh… Please step off me… I can't breathe!」

「Lily, take your foot off of him…」

「Tsk…」

Lily clicks her tongue as Straf commands her, and she pulls her boot away from the man.

「…But be ready to stomp on his groin if I give you the permission.」

「What!?」

Straf finishes his sentence, and any relief the man could possibly feel at that moment instantly disappeared. He uselessly shields his groin with his hands over his robe, as Lily walks up to his waist, menacingly grinning down at him.

「Now, you know the saying, you have to crack some eggs to make an omelette? Better answer my questions, and don't bullshit me, or it will be your eggs. Are you the one lighting the torches around here?」

Straf grabs onto the man's robes with both of his hands as he threatens him, then shakes him violently again as he asks.

「Yes! Yes! Yes, I am!」

He feverishly nods in panic as he shouts.

「…Did you also put the gold coins in the chest?」

「Yes!」

The man nods again as Straf questions him.

「What actual fucking insanity drove you to put whopping three gold coins into that chest? What is fucking wrong with you? Do you not think after all that shit, I deserve a bigger reward than that!?」

Straf asks angrily, shaking the man again.

「It would bankrupt us, if the adventurers kept looting more gold!」

「Us? Who the fuck is us?」

The man explains with a tight-lipped grimace, breaking under Straf's vampire-enhanced interrogation…