第三十五回：山腳折骨箭吶大名，半夜山中廟藏陷阱
The first of Madi-san's arrows took out the flaming torches around the camp. With the camp plunged into darkness and panic, cross-cultural arrow exchanges whiz over your detective's crouched and screaming head. Charging bandits are met with either steel arrows to the head or Oracion's iron needle to the chest. Madi-san moves in and out of chariot cover while shouting "Reloading!", then nocking a new arrow. I'm quite sure that's not how you fight an archery skirmish, but okay!
Having turned the foot of the mountain into a battlefield of Moaning Mythras, Oracion hops out of the chariot and wrenches Masked Mohawk-san by the arm into a vertical and unnatural twelve-o-clock position, while stepping down on the back of its neck, pressing it to the floor.
"Talk. Who are you people. Why are you blocking our path?"
"Mercy, martial heroes [1]! We're just honest bandits!"
The slick and prepared answer causes the time to move forwards by one hour, painfully and bone-wracking so.
"Hey! Don't do that!"
I can't believe that the voice of reason in this scenario is Madi-san! My shock was completely unwarranted because her next line is...
"Some perverts get off on being stepped on!"
Always the advocate for peace and harmony, I see! Grunting from having one too many bad experiences with giving out free sadi-sessions, Oracion lifts her sandal off the now-bawling bandit, and stomps it into the ground next to its face, bending the one-o-clock elbow over her stepped through leg.
"We're the Duck Clan's 【水軍】[2] in 【Xu Province】! We're the regular army! Aieeeee! Mercy! Mercy, martial heroes!"
"Figures. For a bunch of bandits, you all seem quick to surround and bully people you've never met before."
Having gotten her answer, Oracion releases the hold, and Mohawk-san rolls left and right in the grass, assuaging some pain in bone joints it didn't even know it could have.
"Why though? Isn't this 【Yan Province】?" This detective is honestly curious, our map shows that both provinces share a border along this mountain, but you guys are on the wrong side of the mountains...
Before Madi-san can nock an arrow to threaten blasting the rest of Mohawkman's arm off, it readily spills the beans,
"We're grabbing refugees for [Constitutional Slavery]! Don't shoot! I'll die! I'll dieee!!"
Now that's a phrase that I haven't heard in a while. We know there's something going on beyond the mountains, but apparently that something Daju didn't elaborate on was big enough to cause people to seek refuge on the mountain. Not that its our problem, we're just here for the wifi!
Oracion seems to think otherwise, since she did not take too well to the empty human-sized cages hidden in the encampment tents.
"Humph."
The cage door is slammed with enough force to scare its rattling hinges. Walking right up to Rollin' Regis who suddenly becomes very interested in playing 'statues' with murder's shadow looming overhead...
"You're lucky [Trono Palido] doesn't kill.
Get lost. Turn over a new leaf, maybe."
The o-faced miscreant cannot believe its luck, unable to shut its jaw, it backs away slowly, motioning for the surviving not-bandits to gather and come close. Even the mask cannot hide its rounded suckhole dripping with insincerity...
"O.... Of course! To whom do we owe our opportunity to...?"
"Hmm hmm! Are you all just pretending to be blind?!" Madi-san still has her bow at full draw, having passed the torch over to me. "Piinku here is 【Puyengman】, the protector of 【Pu'yeng City】!"
If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.
Our pink haired friend turns her head around to show her 'we're still on that?!' face, Madi-san continues...
"... and our flat-chested Aya-chan is the 【Dragonocider Girl】, soon to be killer of all dragons!"
You do NOT advertise that to the enemy! Especially the flat-chested part! Who the duck do you think you are, then?!
"Moi'? Of course, I am the ducking..."
----------------------------------------
----------------------------------------
Who in the whirlpool is "Lu Bu'' anyway?
I ponder that thought as Madi-san complains about losing most of her arrows to 'disappearing NPC bodies'. Something about how someone named Todd really needs to drop the 'Genjiryo Engine' and 'just make game' without 4GB ram restrictions, or something like that.
The chariot speeds along the winding path on the mountains, sometimes careening a little too close to the edge, tipping over debris into the falling abyss below.
"We're lucky there's a path!" Our brainless leader exclaims, "Otherwise we would have to get on a horse and start pressing spacebar all the way up the mountain!" In my mind's eye, I can easily see Madi-san commandeering some poor chestnut on a steep incline, insisting that it has to keep moving up at a ninety degree angle despite it being physically and mechanically impossible to do so.
"Madison... if there are people fleeing up the mountains..."
"Hold that thought, Piinku!" Putting up one hand to stop Oracion from talking, the chariot drifts around a tight corner, wheels dangerously coming close to the unbarricaded ledges. Both hands on the reins, madwoman, both hands on the reins!
"Now...!" Madi-san turns around to face us in the chariot seats behind, "NPCs are gonna NPC, so keep your Baxman morality in your thigh-highs, ehehehe!"
Oh, right. Oracion doesn't really get the distinction between NPCs and us. She's the kind of person who refuses to kill even the suspicious white-masked hand-rubber who insults you at the start of a certain vidya. Just reload the save, Oracion! You can't tell us that you are not going to kill anyone vaguely humanoid the whole time here, are you? You've already half-killed Monsieur Mohawk down there, no matter how skilled you are...
"I won't kill humans. That's not how [Trono Palido] works."
Argh! You are not listening, Oracion! NPCs are not human! What human disappears into the ground after they take an arrow to the head?! Besides, this isn't [Vespana] where death is final and people REALLY do die when they are killed! We have non-Sunsets like Ying-onee who can make corpses come straight back up from the ground! Neko-chan has zero problem with this, what's your major malfunction?
"It seems... wrong."
"Ehehehe! The death of an NPC is a tragedy, but the death of a thousand NPCs makes you a true warrior of the Three Kingdoms!"
Well that shut Oracion up for the rest of the ride. Oracion is martial-smart, but she's not word-smart like us, so its probably going to take a few hours for her to process that one out!
----------------------------------------
----------------------------------------
"Woah!"
The chariot stops in the middle of of a branching path. We're at least three-quarters up the mountain by now, and the clouds are starting to mingle with the pine woods that grow even at this height.
"Sus. Extremely sus."
Scratching the top of her Fxench cap, I can see why Madi-san thinks this way too. Boulders form a barricade before the upward path, but this is no result of mountain fall, the boulders are arranged to precision, such that climbing over the large stones would prove difficult.
"Someone doesn't want us to reach the mountain peak."
Could it be the fleeing refugees? Our path up this mountain has been eerily empty. If there are people who fled up here, they would have to be beyond this blockade...
I am not too keen on us getting off the chariot and working out in the middle of the night, "Perhaps we can find another way tomorrow! Look, there's a small pavilion over there!" Rather than worry about what we can't do today after a whole day's of travel, we should work on getting some rest! Even the Dxagonborn needs to sleep at some point, right?
As our chariot trots nears the pavilion, I instantly regret my decision. There are no bright lights or dancers to greet us, just the wind running through its hollowed out facade. This must have once been a temple of some kind, it resembles the one Madi-san demolished to make way for the bunnygirl club, prayer urn outside and all. The fog-clouds obscure even a cursory glance beyond the treeline, even if an elephant were dancing within it would be difficult to spot!
Leaving the horses tied to the nearby treelines, I hurry back to the other two before some jumpscare leaps at me from within!
"Ah... ah... Is it just me, or is this place really creepy?"
Madi-san and Oracion are way too engaged in their own quarrel to bother with my suspicions.
"This place... feels unsafe."
"Of course its unsafe! For you all, maybe!"
"Aya, take a look at this."
Pointing to a spot three steps beyond the wooden front doors, I see a raised plate of very familiar design.
"That's obviously a trap." I concur with Oracion as I try to wrack my brain where I saw this trap design before.
"Hup!"
Before either of us could stop her, Madi-san takes a flying leap and puts a foot right on the pressure plate!
...
But nothing happened!
Oh. Ahahahaha.
This place is so run-down that even its traps aren't working!
Oracion's tired eyes narrow, but she finds no reason to find fault anymore.
Together! We'll take three steps into this jumpscare mansion together!
One,
Two,
On two, Oracion and I felt the floor sink downwards beneath our feet.
----------------------------------------
NEXT: Archery Competitions Are For The Talented, Elves Can't Use Crossbows Its Against Isekai Law!
----------------------------------------
TERMINOLOGY
[1] Martial Heroes - Here not-bandit-san uses "daxia",【大俠】, usually used to refer to the wandering xianxia heroes we are very familiar with. Compare this to Daju's use of 【大英雄】, which literally means big hero. Daxia has a more rougish meaning that disconnects it from the more properly acknowledged heroes of the time. - Author-kun
[2]【水軍】- Literally, marines. Troops that are stationed on water. Also has a double meaning that they are terrible troops. Also has a third meaning that they are shills.