第五回：绫乃智潜攻城本营，完美计划乱于玛蒂
Hullos, hellos! My name is Ayano Sane! As you can see, I have been 『isekaijinned』into this strange, wonderous and foreign world! As it so happens, I chanced upon this lovely encampment of yours! What is it that you all are doing here this fine, hot, and sweltering day? Oh? You all are sieging that castle up ahead? How 『subarashii』! I wish I could join with you all in your epic quest, but sadly it seems that I am all out of catapults at the moment. Those are some nice bandannas you have on your head! 「VERY COOL」! By the way, would you mind telling me WHERE ARE WE AND HOW DO WE GET OUT OF THIS HELL--- [FILTERED]
No... This simulation is a fail.
I ran the scenario in my mind again, this time with a little less sass. I have to seem as unintimidating and inoffensive as possible to these people, so realistically, the thing I need to do is...
I jab an elbow into the muffled grunting behind me to keep that boob-for-brains quiet.
"Quiet, Madi-san, I'm thinking."
Earlier on, I confirmed two things.
One, Madi-san is not completely invincible in this world.
Scuffling in the sand, Madi-san and I tumble down behind the sand dune like a pair of logs a bunch of kids set up atop a mountain to dislodge secret agents which might or might not be planning to kill you and fake a gas leak.
"No, YOU!"
"Be REASONABLE, Madi-san! I'm the better talker between us! You barely have an INT!"
"DEXXChads ALWAYS find a way to bypass the speechcraft check!"
There she goes with the "DEXXChad" meme again. It might have worked if we were still on [Vespana] and Madi-san's single-minded reverence of the DEX stat gives her near mythical abilities to evade, b-hop and block through just about anything, magickal or otherwise, but this is NOT [Vespana]! You can't even avoid a paddling from literal NPCs now!
[SFX:THUMP]
Arg... urk!
DEX or no DEX, stamina was a game that I was bound to lose, Madi-san got on top of me and flipped me over, wrenching my left arm at a painfully weird angle behind me; I kick up a small sandstorm with my tiny feet to try and get her off.
"... and THAT'S why you don't skip arm day, Aya-chan!!"
"S-someone! Help! Help!!!"
Two, NPCs are really helpful.
Help came almost immediately, but not from the place I would expect. Six pairs of arms grab at Madi-san from behind her, yanking my assailant off me and using all of their bodies to pin her on her back with a soft "pomf" in the sand.
Madi-san is really good at dodging, but I've hung out long enough with her to know that Madi-san can't take a hit. Sure, the number of people who can actually manage to strike at Madi-san account for less than the fingers on one hand, but once she's caught, its all over for her.
"Hey!! The NPCs are aggroing me! Aya-chan, help!!"
The faceless half-dozen NPCs that were following us around are now holding down a struggling Madi-san, even with an NPC restraining each of her limbs, she is still kicking up a gigantic fuss.
"Can we... find some way to keep her quiet for now? Thank you!"
One of the NPCs comes back with a burlap sack that was half-buried in the sand. Handy. Madi-san was shouting something about fierce about "totally NPC murder" before a cloth went into her mouth and the burlap sack over her head. Dragged onto her feet, she is still putting up a big fight.
"Sigh. Does [Reckless Ayaya] have to choke a biichii?" I slightly tighten the ropes for the burlap sack's opening, the ropes now ever so slightly nibbling at the skin around her neck.
That settled it. She's probably silently cursing me and [Morganna] [3] underneath the sack, but at least Madi-san is quiet for now. Madison being so mad might even be more realistic for the scenario I had in mind.
"Thanks... you guys...?"
The faceless NPCs didn't respond, they just continued to lock Madi-san's arms behind her and force her forward in whatever direction I am facing. Their movements are still jerky and puppet-like, but at the very least they listen to me now.
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That works for me!
Now we return to the present.
Walking up to the siege camp with the hooded Madi-san and my six goons in tow, I decide that that the best approach is also the most universal approach.
"『hai』."
I motion inside the camp with two fingers, and smack the side of the burlap sack, which provokes an immediate angry reaction from the "captive".
Now that I am up close, I notice that the black bandanna wearing girls have hairdos that cause their bangs to fall over their eyes, making it difficult to look them in the eye, if it was even possible in the first place. Silently, the pair of guards cross their spears, denying me entry.
Regardless of whether Madi-san's "we have been isekaied into Sxxxxm" hypothesis holds true; by combining what I know now and inferring how the rules of "NPCs" work...
... these girls are NPCs too.
As I am thinking, a pair of rocks fly overhead, smashing into the castle walls up ahead.
[SFX:CRASH]
That's when I got an idea.
"『hai』."
Making the same two fingered gesture, I point inside the camp, but this time, I point towards the castle that the Black Bandanna Girls are sieging, and clap my outstretched hands dramatically before my face.
Miraculously, the spears uncrossed, allowing my little party to pass through!
I have no idea what I am doing, I just vaguely remembered this gesture from a manga I once read. Putting a friendly hand up with the most innocent smile for the nice guards, I motion for my guys to follow. There's no response from the black bandanna NPCs of course, but that's par for the course.
"『hai』. Just follow me, people."
Two pairs of identically dressed NPCs are busy loading the next catapult shot, so I make a beeline for the only person who isn't dressed like an NPC around here.
A woman dressed in strange robes is standing in front of a small cage that cuts off at the bottom of her chest. The dark grey robes are flowy, yet foreign, long sleeves drape down to the floor much like a miko's detached sleeves would. Yet no traditional miko would let herself be caught wearing what amounted to an extremely high cut 『hakama』[4] with side slits so high that you start wondering if the tailor's was secretly pocketing fabric funds for themselves. She leans menacingly over the cage with her back turned to us, holding some sort of brush-like implement in both hands.
Coming closer, I can make out the faux-miko's high, yet oneesan-like voice now.
"Little 【taisho】[1], long have the shadows have ordained the end of the three kingdoms...! Why fight against the ryuu of this world...? The land is already sundered, heeeeaven favors the [Cult of Black Bandanna]...!"
Ryuu...? There's that word again.
"...if you don't tell your cat gatekeeper to open up, we'll just put a hole in the walls, THEN murder and loot the city, anyway!"
Nice, we are dealing with really upstanding folks here.
I must have snorted a little too loudly, for Generic Witchcrafter #01 whirls around, shouting, "HELLO?!?! IS SOMEBODY THERE?!"
I'm right here, you blind hag---!!!
Now that I got a good look at her, while Generic Witchcrafter #01 is decidedly not an NPC, maybe. Her eyes are dull, hiding merely a small sparkle of blue. Light brownish hair falls in a braid that falls over the front of her left shoulder that is ornamented by a red leaf-like accessory. Of course, she wears a black bandanna like everyone else in the camp, but there is a marked difference in the feels between her and the rest of the camp.
The hag towers a head above me with curious eyes, both hands hold horizontally a brush-like implement that look more at home Fxxxxh tickling, if horse tails tickled your fancy. I'm not being judgmental or anything, I am just calling it as I see them.
"You're not supposed to be here."
Fast thinking, Ayano...!
"『hai』! I'm here to join the Black Bandanna Cult!"
"No---!!!"
The orange-haired girl throws a shoulder at the side of the cage behind Generic Witchcrafter #01. Her wrists are bound behind her and a piece of black cloth covers her eyes, but on top of her head, those are unmistakably...
... cat ears?
... ... As much as I would like to help her I'm just here for the information. No offense, but we are really deep in enemy territory here, the logical choice is to get the information, back away, and get the 『keisatsu』[5] to deal with these messed up cultist weirdos. Good luck to whoever is in the city, I think they'll need it!
"Ohhhhhhh~~~~ Blessed are heeeeavens who have blessed the [Cult of Black Bandanna], for even 【Wise Birds Choose To Rest On Good Wood】[2] today! Graaaaatitude! Graaaaatitude!! Graaaaaatitude to the heeeeavens!!!"
I am using up all my patience to smile and play it cool here; listen, culty hag, I'm friends with an actual priestess who says pretty much the same things that you do, but without the grating grandstanding overtones. Without even realizing it, I am already slowly backing off from Miss Cult-Operator and accidentally bumped into one of my goons behind me.
"We're bailing, first moment we get," I hiss under my breath to my wordless goons.
That was when I heard the sound of multiple large strings wrongfully snapping behind me.
Turning my head in horror, my eyes manage to follow both sabotaged catapult arms flying spectacularly into the air like giant spoons, before landing on the hard dirt and smashing into splinters.
A purple-haired troublemaker is standing atop one of the broken catapults, dusting off her hands, admiring her handiwork amidst a small circle of NPCs fallen on the ground.
Oh no.
Oh, no no no no.
"That's what a cultie DESERVES!"
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NEXT: Cultists Cultists Everywhere, They Keep Mashing Buttons And Never Learn!
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Terminology
[1]【taisho】- A 【taisho】(太守) is a Governor, usually of a city. In this case, the governor of Puyang is me, Daju (虞大橘)!
[2]【Wise Birds Choose To Rest On Good Wood】- There is a saying that 【良禽擇木而棲】, which means that good and capable people will chose to follow good and capable people as well.
[3] [Morganna] - It's all that evil woman's fault! [FILTERED] you [FILTERED], Morganna, give me back my nice and lovely Aya-chan without them weird kinks! Read /Showdown/ for more details!
Go Go And Learn Moonrunes With Aya-chan!
[4]『hakama』- The long pants worn by miko. Usually red in color, do not be deceived by manga, mikos do NOT dress that sexy in real life!
[5]『keisatsu』- Police, the actually useful kind.