第二回：冤枉定罪在府Ｘ開，來人給我打五十板！
"Hey! Watch the merchandise!"
Madi-san snaps at the visor-faced guards who are unloading us off the cage-carriage. The carriage train passed into a walled settlement, its tall bronze gates swallowing the passing train whole like a mouth-portal to the underworld. The inside of the settlement is not notable at all, mostly straw-and-wood houses constructed crudely. The entire settlement seemed to be in a state of decrepit disrepair, except for the looming structure that the train had stopped in front of.
Having yanked Madi"just not gonna"-san out the cage door, the faceless guard in charge of our carriage pulls her arms back; whereupon the jelly-like wrist shackles meld together, pinning her wrists behind her back.
There's no need for violence, so I climbed out the cage with my hands in front of my face, a little afraid that they would swing that 「kanamuchi」[1] down on me without warning. Wordlessly and with eerily consistent precision, the guard repeated the same motions and pinned my arms behind me as well, before pushing the both of us forward into the building.
Looking up, I squint to make out the fading gold-painted words on the blackwood sign hoisted atop the foreign, yet somewhat familiar architecture. Measuring at least a good seven chi in length, I can just barely make out the three 『kanji』[2] that make up the sign.
"Aya-chan, you can read, right?! What does it say?!", the overly-excited conspiracy-exposer turns sideways to face me, perhaps if her hands were not bound behind her back she would be pointing to the sign and making an "o" face by now.
"I..."
To be honest I am absolutely terrible at kanji.
No, seriously, I am! Don't question my language skills, Madi-san! You're probably thinking something along the lines of "Elevens MUST memorize every single kanji just so that we can figure out where we are taken when we are kidnapped by an unidentified alien force", are you? Maybe YOU should brush up on your hiragana before making fun of me! Stop laughing, Madi-san...!
...urk!
My train of thought was rudely interrupted by a violent shove on my shoulder from behind, forcing me forwards. Odd. I cannot brush off this odd sense of deja vu...
...since I am quite sure that the other carriage-train guard pushed Madi-san in the exact same spot.
Either the guards have been trained to exacting movements, otherwise...
"No, matter at hand. Matter at hand." With the correct posture and air of a detective that has solved a mystery...
"The sign reads 【府ｘ開】."
"X...?"
"I can't read the middle kanji. But in my native tongue it would be 「Bakufu Exxckshiraki」.
"Aya-chan... you sure your brain isn't leaking funny juice?"
I honestly don't know. This is outside the realm of my expertise. If there was a manga that mentioned this specific line of kanji, I would have known instantly. But the fact that I don't means that we haven't been transported to a realm of fiction as Madi-san seems to be implying. Or at least, a realm of fiction that Madi-san and I are familiar with. This is pretty bad, because if we found ourselves playing Old Maid against lying blind men, we would be at an absolute advantage, but as we are now, there's no telling where we will find ourselves next...!
"Eh, I'm pretty sure its still Sxxxxm." Madi-san says, saunter-stepping past the long length of wood that serves as the divider between the building's interior and the outside settlement.
Again with that phrase. I have no idea what she's talking about, but I have to admire this idiot's absolute confidence even in a time like this. We are NOT in any familiar territory here.
The moment we step through the open doorway, a copper gong rings out loudly from the back of the room, announcing our arrival.
We are pushed into the center of this room; on both sides are guards in silky and flowy cyanic blue robes that end in black embroidery. While the silk is fine, I cannot say the same for their headwear, which I can only generously describe as "Mixxxy Mxxxe headgear held by thin copper wire". Each of them stands at perfect attention, holding a long, polished, redwood rod at a forty-five degree slant.
Nor can I charitably praise the redwood that makes up the room's architecture, most of it looks half-rotted due to neglect. Cobwebs grow in every corner of the interior, and dust cakes the floor like a light film of dancing grey. Wisps of cloud-like smoke permeate the air, rising just below the knees of those present. The paper windows have jagged holes eaten into them, and even then, light still does not pass through into the building. A gloomy and oppressive shade looms over the ceiling beams, its darkness drawing cryptid-like smiles above our heads.
You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.
Perhaps the most ominous thing in this room is the fresh splotch of tomato juice right in the center. I don't see anyone drawing chalk on the floor, but there's nothing that quite matches the horror taking in the nice copper smell at a crime scene and frantically scanning around the room for the murder weapon!
If I had to guess, we are in some sort of medieval court.
"Bring the criminals!"
Oh, very nice. Apparently "innocent before proven guilty" isn't a thing here.
As if on cue, the guards with the funny hats start to thump the floor with the ends of their rods. Hygiene aside, since they are now kicking up a small dustdevil here, I can't imagine what the purpose of that would be. The guards also start SINGING out of nowhere, chanting something along the lines of:
"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeey wuuuuuuu-uuuuuu--- ---".
All this while, Madi-san is oddly entertained by the spectacle, hopping, laughing and making an attempt to clap for the spectacle that is now happening all around us.
At this moment, someone seemingly important steps atop the raised platform thirteen steps in front of us. I say 'seemingly important', because unlike the guards, this person is of girthly size, waddling itself behind the more modestly structured wooden desk, the sides of its body bump into the table, toppling over the gem-like implements placed upon it.
I say "its" because even with its back turned to us, I could distinctly tell that this personage was not exactly human.
A dreadfully raspy and nasal quacking rose from its non-existent neck, escaping its bill-like jaw placed where its mouth should be.
"Why are the criminals... NOT KNELLING?"
The quacking judge suddenly turns around as the camera cuts to a close shot of its face. Dressed in cyanic robes of a slightly darker hue, the front of its robes are embroidered in a foreign and complex design. If I had my handphone still, I would very much like to point at it with a QR scanner, but alas we can't all isekai with modern conveniences. More importantly, the judge up in front...
... is a duck.
... a ducking duck.
Either that, or a very portly person in a VERY realistic duck mask. Its beady black eyes dully peer upon me and Madi-san, duck bills flapping a little as if completely astounded by the rudeness being displayed to its anthropomorphic majesty right now.
Immediately, I go to both knees and begin to stutter and stammer,
"Wait, this is all a mistake---"
"Shut up, Aya-chan!!!"
Madi-san's sudden outburst scared even me! Much less magistrate quacker standing high and mighty with its eyes bulging out at this all-too-obvious defiance.
"Sorry, not sorry, I don't take a knee for just about anyone." Madi-san shrugs with one eye closed, bereft of any respect for the now quivering, quacking quack onstage. Brown feathers bristle as an increasing amount of steam rises from the top of its Mixxxy Mxxxe headgear.
"Big-livered criminals!
【lairen!】 (Come guards!)
Beat some respect into this Ya-zi!"
With a twitching feathered wing, judge quacker raises a sort of paper weight up high, and slams it down upon the feeble teak wood desk, which shudders under its tyranny!
[SFX:THUMP]
Immediately, a guard from each of our sides step forward; using their long redwood rods, each of them strike once at the back of Madi-san's shins, forcing her into a haphazard collapse onto the ground.
"...?!?!?!?!"
I share the exact same bewilderment as Madi-san right now.
In all my time as Madi-san's accomplice, I can say one thing certain about Madi-san.
Madi-san has never taken a physical hit like that before.
She's the DEXXmaxxed [Exposer of Conspiracies]...!
I have long lost count the number of times I have seen her dodge, slide, parry her way out of trouble with impossible athleticism.
... and now she's bested by a pair of goons with long shafts?
... that's... not possible is it?
"Hey! Something's duckey about this whole setup... geh...!"
Madi-san didn't manage to finish her sentence; one of the guards which hit at her shins forces her head down, rubbing her face against a floorful of dust. In seconds, I would also have the same done to me, even though I did nothing at all...!
"Cough, cough, ack...!"
Through the wispy cloud, I can see the smileless sneer of magistrate ducky who now has complete control over both Madi-san and me. Once more, the droning, overweight duck begins to crow:
Defiant against authority,
spreading slander and lies,
befriending undesirables,
attacking gah'men officials,
diffusing unhuman hatred,
big thinking for yourself,
assembling with privacy,
acting out without notice,
a heart of a problematic,
with acts of a despicable,
lawless, feckless, and ridiculous,
your sin is settled!
Your rights as a human...
... have been CANCELLED!
----------------------------------------
NEXT: Your Rights As a Human Have Been Cancelled, Its Pointless Arguing With A Fat Duck!
----------------------------------------
GO GO AND LEARN MOONRUNES WITH AYA-CHAN!
[1] 「kanamuchi」- The weapon that is commonly known as an "iron whip", a long steel baton. You might have seen this used by Huang Gai in Dyxxxxy Waxxxors.
[2] 『漢字』- Literally, "kanji", ancient script used in chugokumagicks and in my ancestral tongue. Wait... You aren't reading a Xianxia isekai without knowing this, are you?