Chapter 159

The Most Majestic Prize

Gloom-glower

I needed all the lime jellyfish I could stomach. There had been no time to sleep. Captain after Captain had needed to be given promises. That was the only way to subdue them. I couldn’t even remember the last package promotion I had promised.

I was famished, exhausted, and overworked. My efforts were for the good of the fleet. If only all the lesser goblins could have seen how hard I worked. They would be inspired. Not a single one of them could ever hope to match my work ethic.

Stub-toes lay on his side, crumpled up. He whined into the floorboards. His nursed his swollen hands as though they’d been steamed raw.

A little melody floated from him. “I’m…a little…pot’s spout…”

“On your feet, Stub-toes. I’ve got work to do.”

It took a couple of kicks to get him up. Almost dizzy from the lack of sleep, I lurched out of the deckhouse. My blood pounded against my skull. I squinted at the rising sun which was just coming over the forest. On the sea’s horizon, there was no trace of the legendary lime smack. The jellys were gone for good. On deck, all my Captains slept around the deckhouse while the lesser goblins toiled in their bailing lines.

The lesser goblins glared at the sleeping Captains. More than a dozen times I saw a wad of spit shoot from the rush of goblins. They seemed to be aiming for my Captains’ faces. This was not a good look for me.

“Snots!” I said. “Rise and pick your ears!”

The Captains rose at their leisure as if they had nothing better to do. They stretched, yawned, sighed, gazed at the bailing goblins, and even told them they were doing a mighty good job.

But now it was their time to get to work. With a quick massage, a shake of my head, and after clearing my throat of lodged phlegm, I stood tall. “Today is the day we purge the poacher from the sea. Your soon to be goblin god will pry what’s rightfully his from her greedy, murderous hands. And you know what that means? Every one of you will get a trickle down reward! The trickle will trickle so far down, even the lowest of goblins will get a drip of something. Isn’t that nice? Oh, yes that's nice.”

“Promises, promises,” said a goblin.

“Who said that? Show yourself!”

“Uh, must’ve been Slime-tooth,” said some other goblin.

Slime-tooth—that mangy ball of wrinkles! “How dare he speak to me like that! Fetch Slime-tooth!”

“Yes, my king,” said Stub-toes. Having completely forgotten he was there, I jumped.

Just as he began to speed off, I knocked him over. “Not you Stub-toes! I need you harnessed and ready in case that wench has a trick up her sleeve.”

“Please, not the harness again. I can’t—”

This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

“You there,” I said and yanked a goblin from the infinite bailing line. “Find Slime-tooth, now!”

The little snot shivered before almighty me. HIs eyes went wide and he ducked away to do my bidding. What a good snot! What was his name? It was… Oh, whatever, I just wished more were like him.

“How do we know we’ll get trickle downs this time?” said another goblin from the moving bailing line. “We didn’t get them last time. Or the time before the last time before that.”

Who the hell was talking back to me? The line of goblins was moving so fast that I couldn’t pick out who was causing trouble.

“Yeah, when do we get trickle downs?” said another.

“Today my goblins, today!” I said. “We’ll sail for that evil Barnacle-eyes and take her spoils!”

A black blur raced out from the throng. It was a black promotion boot, and it struck me right in the throat. I keeled. I couldn’t take breath for a moment while I scrambled to my hands and knees. I felt my face swell like a singing frog’s. My head pounded fiercely, and my eyes rolled to their whites. My head rang. As the ability to breathe slowly returned, I gasped while grasping for something to hold on to. I found the ankle of a yelping goblin, and I yanked him down with me. I stumbled to my feet, swung the goblin overhead, and tossed him overboard.

With rasping fury, I addressed my goblins. “I’m going to throw a hundred goblins overboard the next time someone even thinks about throwing something at me! Haul up the anchors! Bear the flags! We’re sailing out!”

The bailing line slowed. Every glare suddenly softened. Hundreds of eyes gazed upon me. Every expression held what seemed like a mix of hope and disbelief. But it was true, my dear goblins. We were sailing out for the first time in two whole years.

In those two whole years, never had so many flags gone up at once on thousands of ships. The sea was suddenly filled with flapping rectangles of dark green flags. My flags!

Those flags snapped in the wind as sloops began turning about and sailing south with me. My conjoined ship began turning starboard like a spinning wishbone. Some of the flags of my sloops lowered to sea as their ship sank. But how could freebooter goblins forget how to sail in two years? Or were those the ships with sick goblins who were also overworked? Didn’t Stub-toes mention something about that? No, no, no. What did they know about working hard, when I knew all about it? They were lazy! Useless, good for nothing at alls.

But the harpoons! Each sinking ship meant one or two lost harpoons! Ah, but now was not that time to worry about it. Oh, my precious harpoons! I had to get them back before the sloops sank to the bottom of the sea! There was still time to reel them up. Ah, but my Chance of Mutiny was too high! I had to prioritize priorities.

I bumped away the couple of green ladders at the helm of my ship, and spun the wheel. “Are you ready for your rewards, my Captains? Today, victory is ours!”

But my Captains had rushed port side, and they were whispering to each other as they gazed out on at sinking sloops. The line of bailing goblins slowed by the Captains, and I saw their ears perk.

My Chance of Mutiny rose. I grabbed Stub-toes by the collar and hoisted him to my face. In as lethal a whisper as I could produce, I said, “It’s gone up to eighty-nine percent, Stub-toes! You better do something about this now, or you’ll glug, glug, glug at the bottom of the sea!”

After I let go, Stub-toes hit the deck with the soles of his feet. He stumbled and fell, and then he pulled out his rusty-crusty kitchen knife and waved it around.

“Our king has decreed!” he said. “To arms, goblins! To arms!”

It wasn’t until he began poking the Captains that they begrudgingly got to work. All of the idiots rolled their eyes. At least a couple of them seemed fearful, and I smiled at them. A couple Captains seemed excited, which filled me with hope. If I could excite them all, I could stomp the Chance of Mutiny.

We didn’t have far to sail to Barnacle-eyes’ fleet since we were already so very close. So many of my ships moved at once, it seemed like an entire mass of land was shifting. But aboard all of those sloops, not very many goblins looked enthused by the impending attack. What happened? They used to cavort like hordes of fleas with the potential for the spoils of a raid and for trickle downs.

I gazed upon the mightiest of the spoils, the massive Hand-O’War. It was twice taller than an orc’s ship. As the sea split at the prow of my ship, I watched the taffrail of the Hand-O’War. Barnacle-eyes’ goblins amassed there to watch us sail in.

The Admiral herself pushed through her goblins. I smiled at the sad and dejected looking goblin. I found myself smiling gleefully. I gave her a little happy wave just before I said, “Prepare the harpoons!”