Chapter 155

Dribble of Limeys

Gloom-glower

We were in another one of those phases where ships kept sinking. It happened every once in a while, but now was not the time. I had no choice but to spread out the survivors among the other ships and to take on as many as my ship could hold. I kept my Captains nearby so I could keep an eye on them.

Problem was, they didn’t want to do the grunt work. On and on they went about going out fishing with the rest of the sloops for another chance to catch more of the legendary lime smack.

It made my skin crawl that the migration of lime jellyfish was going farther and farther by the hour. My sloops ended up going farther out as a result.

I shouldn’t have let them go the first time. It had done almost nothing to my chance of mutiny. But as for all the sinking ships…

“It’s all because of those barnacles on the bottom of our ships,” I said. “And you know the evil goblin who’s to blame for that.”

“Will we get more than nibbles this time?” said Captain Whisker-mole. “Trot-hopper said you had a whole jellyfish to yourself.”

“I promise you’ll get more than what I get this time. And as your king, I always keep my promises. Now, help my goblins bail, and we’ll talk promotions next week.”

I could tell in their eyes that they were skeptical. They pursed their lips like I was just feeding them grime. I saw one too many eyeballs roll and it took an internal scream to keep myself from throwing them overboard. Good for them for picking up bailing buckets and cutting in on the bailing line. That was just what saved their lives.

I stomped over to the taffrail. My snots did everything they could to clear their toes from my right of way. At the taffrail I peered between my mighty ships at the dim glow of the legendary lime smack. Those ships had been there way too long.

Stub-toes bowed deeply and proffered my extended monoscope. “Your majesty.”

“See? Is it so hard to read my mind? And you know what they say, Stub-toes. An old dog that finally learns a new trick better do it right every time from now on. So be a good boy and prove your worth around here. Otherwise your master will have put you down.”

“I’ll do my very best, my king.”

Just as I suspected, the lime smack had drifted further west. My sloops were smaller than a pinch by eye. That was more than far enough.

Were they really fishing for jellyfish? Goblins could be conniving. Were they laughing at me behind my back where I couldn’t hear laughter? They were probably laughing that they weren’t sharing their catch with me. How dare they eat the jellies without providing the catch to their king! I had first right of refusal. Or were they just planning something diabolical? Mutiny?

“Flags! Wave the flags! Return those sloops!”

My flag bearers raised their poles and whipped the air. Their return would take a while, so I stomped back to the deckhouse. I checked that no one had slipped in with fatal curiosity.

“Close the door, Stub-toes. Now!”

“Yes, my king.”

I dove behind the couch and straddled my beautiful 5 gallon black barrel.

“Get over here!” I said.

“Your majesty? Where are you?”

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

Stub-toes peered around the corner of the couch back. He slumped to the floor before me.

“It’s gone up to sixty-six percent!” I said. “Why are you doing this to me when I’ve always treated you so well? Do you have no shame?”

“But, my king, I don’t control that!”

I pried open the loosened barrelhead. Shafts of bright lime green light painted our faces and pooled on the ceiling. Current events made things too stressful, so I shoved a whole jelly into my mouth and forced it down. I slurped up the tentacles like they were noodles. Stub-toes stared agape at the barrel. He licked his lips and gulped what must have been his own saliva. When the fool reached in for a delicious jelly, I smacked the back of his hand.

“You want a limey?” I said. “First you gotta get me out of this mess! How am I going to deal with these greedy snots? My sloops have sailed too far out too many times!”

“They can’t help themselves when they’re so hungry.”

“You’re right, Stub-toes. They’ve been fattening themselves up all winter. A fast will do them good. I’ll call them back immediately.”

“If I may, my king. Calling your sloops back from a legendary delicacy is a bad idea.”

“Bad idea? Why are you giving me bad ideas? I knew you were doing this to me! Now listen. Those sloops are way too far. Do you know what happens when sloops have been docked for this long and then suddenly stray? The chance of mutiny rises tremendously!”

“Your goblins would be much happier if you gave them a tiny taste of freedom.”

“Happiness? Happiness, Stub-toes? Oh, you make me sick. If they get a taste of freedom, they’ll start licking everything. And their bellies are already too full of lime smack for their own good.”

“But my king, don’t you have faith in your fleet?”

“Give freebooters an inch, and they’ll take ten knots! I can’t let them do whatever they want. They’ll eventually do what they really want to do, which is to mutiny! Just for some stupid jellyfish!”

“We have been here for years. A change in routine will be good for your snots. They’ll see that as a reward. That’s a good idea, right?”

“I want my snots to do the same thing, day in and day out. Better if they have nothing to look forward to. No hope for their future means a bright future for me. Why if I let them experience adventure again, they won’t want to return to the beautiful monotony I give my ungrateful snots! They’ll start to feel like their lives are worth something. They will mutiny!”

“What if the whole fleet goes out together to fish the lime smack?”

“I’d have to leave some Captains behind to protect our spot. What if Ogo returns with all his orcs and swoops in? What if that revenge obsessed Gone-hand finds me after all these years and swoops in? What if that stupid Barnacle-eyes and her fancy fleet swoops in? She’ll take our spot. The Captains who get left behind will start to plot with her. And then do you know what will happen?”

“Barnacle-eyes has been so peaceful. She’s done nothing but try to share with us since she’s arrived. And your Captains won’t mutiny if you reward them. Give them twice the jellyfish for staying behind.”

I fit another limey past my teeth. “They’ll still despise me. Can’t risk it. Maybe if the chance of mutiny was much lower.”

“Please hear me, my king. What if—”

“That’s enough out of you, Stub-toes! No one asked for your two coppers. Everyone needs to stick close to me where I can see and hear them. I won’t risk them sailing out of reach and that’s the end of it.”

Someone knocked on the door.

I was so startled I flinched. I fumbled the barrelhead back on. With vigorous wiping, I tried to remove the lime residue from my mouth and chin. With haste I marched out of the deckhouse.

Stub-toes stumbled between furniture after me. “My king, you’ve got limey dribble all over you! The goblins will know you’re hoarding!”

A smug goblin greeted me just outside. “Sorry to bother you, king Gloom-glower,” said Punch-smiley. “We’ve been waving the return signal, but they’re not returning.”

“Oh, that smack will be their last meal if they don’t obey this instant.” I said.

I forced my way through goblins, stepping where I had to, until I arrived at my biggest harpoon turret.

“Is the harpoon prepared?” I said.

“Yes, sir!” said Rub-neck.

I took up the slack of the harpoon line and ran it down a jutting slice of metal from the mixed materials of my ship. The line snapped in half.

“Aim for the sloop on the right,” I said.

“But that’s Arg-charlie’s sloop, my king!” said Stub-toes.

The turret was already squealing around. Forty goblins pushed and pulled my prized possession. The cannon was cranked up to angle. Twelve goblins aimed and bickered about the fireflies in their way.

“Fire!” I said.

Flames were shoved onto a fuse. Sparks snaked up to the butt of the canon. The ship and sea convulsed with a boom, and the harpoon sailed over the sea and struck Arg-Charlie’s sloop.

Stub-toes offered me my monoscope.

“Why don’t you take a good look and tell me what you see,” I said.

Stub-toes, shaking, peered through the lens. “They’re doing a turning circle…. They’ve hoisted sail…. They’re returning.”

Walking off, I said, “That’s what I thought.”