Chapter 157

Protect Your King!

Gloom-glower

More than a dozen Captains pounded on the deckhouse door. Stub-toes and I braced our backs against it to keep it shut. I could hear my first mates on the other side doing their best to keep the Captains at bay, but every once in a while I saw the doorknob jiggle. We were cornered!

After dinner, of all time. I hated that. What on earth was so important that they felt compelled to attempt a barge in?

I whispered to my servant. “Eighty-five percent, Stub-toes! A few more points and it’ll be in the red zone!”

Too many ships had sunk. Mine was overcrowded. It was fifty goblins over capacity. The only way to traverse was to squeeze through. Goblins had to work in green ladder formation to keep up their speed. I could do without the Captains harassing me every second for every little thing. Sloops took time to rebuild, didn’t they know that? Especially when lazy goblins died on the job and had to be replaced. Things took time!

Stub-toes suddenly said, “Do you think Hawkin meant it when he said he couldn’t brew anymore beer until the boppin-flaggin-tuggin was fixed? Because we’re out of beer, my king.”

“Lower your voice, you fool!”

But it was too late. All the commotion behind the door came to a silent freeze. Gasps resounded. The ship creaked. With a glare, I tried my best to bore a hole between Stub-toes’ eyes with my glare.

The door rattled on its hinges. The interrogation began as Captains shouted through the door.

“Did I hear correctly? There’s no more beer?”

“What? Lemme in there, lemme in!”

“By Peg-tooth, my snots can’t handle a dry spell!”

“They’re gonna kill me! You better demote me right now, Gloom-glower!"

“Yeah, whose boots are these? I’ve never seen them before in my life!”

“Open up! We know you’re in there.”

“No more beer? Why not?”

“Is that true, Gloom-glower?”

“What did I do to deserve this?”

“He’s gotta be hoarding all the beer.”

“Gloom-glower! You’re hoarding beer?”

“Believe it! Just like the lime smack all over again!”

“My gods, he’s hoarding the beer and lime smack, too?”

“Why can’t we sail for the jellyfish?”

“Yeah, they’re right there, Gloom-glower! We can see them every day!”

“And they don’t have stingers! Easy catch!”

“When do I get to eat! I’m starving!”

This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

“When do I get my new ship? Gimme my ship!”

“And how are we supposed to sleep? There’s too many snots!”

“I see…I see another ship is sinking, Gloom-glower.”

“Yup, they’re doing a lot of drowning over there.”

“Isn’t Gloom-Glower going to save them?”

“Ha! Like he’d care if there’s no beer on board.”

“All I hear about is cheese. How come I can’t have any cheese? I don’t care how moldy it is!”

“Out of my way! I need to speak to Gloom-glower. Open up, it’s Salt-sweater. I found barnacles on my keel! What are you gonna do about it?”

“Look! Look at Barnacle-eyes' ships, everybody! See that glow? They’re feasting on lime smack while we’re sitting with no dinner and no drink.”

I lowered my voice to a whisper. “Stupid idiots! We haven’t run out of beer! It’s just sitting at that worthless human’s brewery. If I ever lay eyes on him again, I’m gonna—”

The door held against a barrage of fists. The hinges rattled. The doorknob spun back and forth. Stub-toes and I grunted against the onslaught, and I preyed the lock would hold.

At some point, I heard Shifty-looks. “Let me through! Move! Everybody move! Well fine then, I'm climbing over.”

“Ouch!” said a goblin

“Watch it!”

“My nose!”

“Get off me!”

When I next heard Shifty-looks, his voice came squeezing beneath the door. “Gloom-glower, I’m back! Let me in.”

“Grab your harness, Stub-toes,” I said.

“Forgive me, your highness,” said Stub-toes. “I…uh…lost it.”

“You know right where it is. Don’t play dumb with me.”

“But I hate it.”

“It’s an emergency this time.”

“B-but—”

“Put it on this instant!”

Stub-toes scuffled to the back of the room. He flipped the lid of a chest and rummaged deep within. He returned with an item that was made of leather straps, and slipped into it. The harness was tight on him, and on the back in the middle was a handle like that of a mug. Stub-toes returned to me and heaved the deepest sigh I’d ever heard. Something came over him. He stared through the floor, and the light left his eyes. They became hollow.

Preying the lock would hold on the door, I rose and grabbed Stub-toes by the handle on his back.

Stub-toes uttered the song he liked to sing when things got tough for him. “I’m a little pot’s spout. Gotta pour a lot out. I splash, splash, splash. While you glug, glug, glug. Cause I’m a little—”

He called it his coping song.

“Good boy, Stub-toes.”

I unlocked the door, and it swung open. Before goblins could stampede in, I used Stub-toes as a shield and bashed them back. I bashed those that tried to crawl over goblins, I bashed those that tried to squeeze by my knees, and I bashed those that tried to pull me out. Shifty-looks slithered by my feet like a desperate worm.

“Back! Back!” I said. It took some good bashings to retreat enough to close the door.

Shifty-looks helped me slam the door, and we both yelled at Stub-toes when he got stuck in it. We yanked him into the deckhouse, slammed the door shut, and threw the bolt. Then we dragged the couch to the door.

Stub-toes rolled around in agony. His lip was split, his eyes were bruised, and he wheezed his little song.

“You better have good news,” I said.

“Several of Barnacle-eye’s Captains are going to defect,” said Shifty-looks. “They’re trying to gather up as many goblins as they can before they leave. They say she’s too weak to try to stop them.”

A smile crept up on me. “Oh! This is good! Now that’s promotion worthy information! When should we expect our new guests?”

“Soon. Very soon, my king.”

“Tell you what, Shifty-looks. Tell them they don’t need to come all the way over here. I’ll go to them. I just need to get things tidied up a bit first.”

The legendary lime smack was too far now to even think about giving in and letting my Captains sail for it. That chance was dead in the water.

What I needed was promising trickle-down rewards. Barnacle-eyes’ fleet was more than enough to keep my Captains satisfied for years to come! Acquiring her ship will probably mean my chance of mutiny will be at the lowest percentage it’s been in years!

As for her goblins, I couldn’t take them in. Once a defector, always defective! I’ll blame their deaths on the slow-acting cheese molds.

But to pull off the attack, I needed the help of my Captains. If I wanted to leave the deckhouse in one piece, I especially needed their help. One more day should do. I needed one more day to think of some promotion packages to promise out.

I kicked Stub-toes. “Nap time’s over. Get those hands ready to massage, Stub-toes!”

“I’m a…little pot’s spout…gotta pour…a lot out…”

I turned to Shifty-looks and rubbed my hands together. “Have a seat in my chair, Shifty-looks. Have I ever told you that you’re my favorite goblin?”