Chapter 151

Act Nice and Point Fingers

Gloom-glower

All this commotion, all this ruckus! It would be nice if for one day these goblins could manage themselves! But no, they had to go and sink one of the bigger ships which had two turrets on it. Maybe it would be better to hire all these freaking monster fireflies instead to replace all these dumb snots!

My may not be the fastest, but no other wishbone-shaped ship would ever be able to sail as fast as mine. And how else could I force my way through my fleet, if my ship didn’t move like a wedge?

“Set anchor!” I said.

Goblins leapt upon the anchor which I bet not even Thrush could pick up. One hundred goblins piled upon it. I heard the anchor scrape across the deck as the heap of cursing goblins inched toward the bow. The chain clinked as they made progress. At last, the anchor was shoved overboard. The chain whipped behind it, caught a goblin’s leg, and yanked the goblin off my ship.

We slowed beside the sinking ship. Good! It wasn’t too late for recovery. Captain Nap-alot was at the very top of the mainmast. He hugged the pole while he wept and screamed help. Aboard the half sunken ship, goblins attempted to keep bailing. Their eyes were wide with panic. They were useless! It was up to me almighty to save my ship.

“Fire the harpoons!” I said.

Fuses sparkled, and harpoons were fired into the hull of the sinking ship. The harpoon lines went taut as goblins gathered the slack. It was just in time, because hundreds of barrels broke the surface of the sea and bobbed among the waves. Goblins floundered between the barrels.

“Nets overboard! Save the cargo!”

Nets were quickly launched out, along with a goblin who must have gotten himself tangled. Things became less and less nerve-racking as more and amore barrels were recaptured. Some were still floating away.

“Save the beer! Save the beer!”

The nets were hauled up the hull of my ship.

“Heave-ho!” said my goblins. “Save-ho!”

“Reel in the sloop!” I said.

“Heave-ho! Reel-ho!”

The sloop was pulled up beside my ship. Goblins scrambled from the sinking ship up to mine. Nap-alot Leapt onto my taffrail, and goblins pulled him aboard. He hacked spit and tears on hands and knees and toes and forehead.

I stepped on his back. “You better have a very good reason—” But I glanced at the goblins around us. They all furrowed their brows at me. I saw the beginnings of snarls on their faces. I immediately stepped off of my Captain.

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“Poor Nap-alot!” I said. “Let me help you up. Stub-toes, help him up!”

“Yes, your majesty,” said Stub-toes.

“Are you hurt, Nap-alot?” I cooed.

Nap-alot got a grip on himself. “It wasn’t my fault, my king! I closed my eyes for just one second! It was just one second! Maybe two seconds at best!”

“It’s a good thing you didn’t lose my harpoon!” Oh, boy did I have to force a smile. I tried my best, my very darndest to smile and appear like I wanted to bring comfort to this good goblin. “I mean, all that matters is that you’re safe, Nap-alot. My Captains are my biggest investment.”

“It won’t happen again, I swear! I’ll never close my eyes again. Never again!”

“I’ll rebuild your sloop as fast as my precious snots can. You’ll be back on the water quicker than licking spit. But tell me, my dear Nap-alot, what happened? Didn’t you have at least three hundred goblins to bail?”

“I think it was all the beer, my king. We had too many barrels below deck. It made the ship too heavy, and the bailers couldn’t squeeze through the corridors fast enough, what with all the barrels taking space.”

Goblins continued to avalanche on board from the sinking ship. Most of them had come from the sea. They lay on their backs and sputtered water. They hacked phlegm and rasped breaths. What a stupid annoying sound.

I addressed them all. “You snots didn’t want to work hard enough for Nap-alot? I oughta sentence you all to serve as this week’s figureheads.”

“P-please, y-y-your honor, we’re overworked!” said a goblin. “I haven’t slept in two days.”

“That’s king to you, Slither-slap,” said Stub-toes.

“And I got mixed up in a night shift twice in a row!” said another goblin. “I bail the day shift, but no one believes me until the morning! I didn’t do anything wrong, your honor-king.”

And another goblin piped up. “All we have to eat is beer, and it's making everyone too sick to bail and bail and bail. We don’t deserve to be figureheads, your-honor-king!”

Ooh, I had to check myself. I was burning, fuming, and nearly melting from keeping my anger in. Keeping it in made me want to puke. I felt so nauseous that I stumbled over to the taffrail and held on. It was unhealthy to keep anger in. It needed an outlet, someone to direct it at!

I was so damn livid that my vision doubled. I shook my head to rattle my eyeballs, and for a moment my vision was clear again. The waves crashed against the half sunken ship which was now completely on its side. I could see the keel half above water. What I saw made my eyes go wide. I felt a snarl vibrate my lips.

“Up, up, Nap-alot!” I said, turning from the taffrail.

Nap-alot’s eyes shot open. He flinched like he’d just been woken from a deep sleep. I helped him up beside me by the collar. More than a hundred goblins gathered around us. With all the weight, the ship shifted and tilted down. That gave us a better closer view of the harpoon struck sloop on its side.

“Poor Nap-alot was framed!” I said.

“I was?”

“Your ship wasn’t too heavy because of the barrels! The keel is crusted over with barnacles! Nasty biting barnacles that move like eyeballs! Heavy barnacles that can eat holes in a ship and drag it to the bottom of the sea! That’s why it sank!”

A hundred green arms speared the air. A hundred fingers pointed at the barnacle crust. A hundred voices exclaimed.

“I knew it!” said Nap-alot. “I knew it wasn’t my fault.”

“But this is a problem,” I said. “Who do you think did this?”

All my goblins gawked. I saw their tongues. What I didn’t see was their brains working.

“Who do you think would put all those very, very, very heavy barnacles on the bottom of a ship? Hmm?”

“But, my king,” said Stub-toes. “Aren’t barnacles just the way of things?”

I dropped a mighty stomp onto Stub-toes’ toes. The old goblin yelped, clutched his toes, and rolled into the crowd.

I swept the air with my hand. “Think, you idiots! Out of all the goblins over there…” I pointed to the small jungle-filled fleet of huge ships down the coast. “What sort of goblin-poaching evildoer would put barnacles on the bottom of my ships?”

Their gazes followed my pointing finger. They gasped. A glare formed on each goblin’s face.