Chapter 148

What Are You Looking At?

My stupid green ladder kept swaying. I shouldn’t have picked Filtch to be at the bottom. I certainly shouldn’t have picked Stub-toes to sit on his shoulders. As long as they could hold my weight, it was the best I could ask for.

Among hundreds of my snots, I sat by the taffrail, port side, and gazed through my monoscope.

“Can you see them, your majesty?” said Stub-toes.

“If Filtch would stop joggling, then I’d have no problem!”

With what seemed like tremendous strength, Filtch said, “Apologies…king Gloom-glower.”

I saw the sea, the sea, the sea, but with a perfect maneuver I zeroed in on Barnacle-eyes’ stupid gigantic ship.

This was all because of Limp-skipper. Thank goblin gods that I had intercepted her on her way from Barnacle-eyes’ fleet. I couldn’t believe the Admiral had the audacity to send a gift over to one of my goblins, especially Slime-tooth. How dare the old goblin try to smuggle goods aboard my fleet. Oh, that no good Slime-tooth.

“There’s Limp-skipper and Shifty-looks, still paddling over,” I said, straining to see.

Filtch wasn’t joggling as much anymore, but he was gasping. “Limp-Skipper…was so nice…my king! Always…smiling.”

“Limp-Skipper was smug! Smug mouth! Smug nose! Smug ears!”

“But…she seemed…so happy.”

“You know what Limp-skipper said to me?” I said.

“Yes, my king,” said Stub-toes. “I remember. She said she had never seen so many goblins and never seen such a big fleet.”

“You must've had your toes in your ears, Stub-toes! That sly snot dared to threaten one of my precious goblins. She said Filtch had the stupidest face she’d ever seen. So stupid that he’d choke on his own stupid tongue and die even stupider!”

Filtch said, “Me?” as if he was responding to the fact that I called him a precious goblin. Then he said, “Me…?” as if he was catching up to the insult.

“Don’t worry, Filtch. I’ll protect you. Rest easy under my mighty rule.”

I moved the monoscope to my other eye.

“Now what’s happening?” said Stub-toes.

“They’re climbing pegged ladders.”

Shifty-looks was helped aboard by Barnacle-eyes’ goblins. More than a dozen hands helped haul him on deck. A dozen more hands patted him on the back in what looked like camaraderie. My goblin was suddenly engulfed by hugs. What was with all the warm embraces? What was with all the big smiles and happy eyes? Piles of goblins seemed happy to meet Shifty-looks. How come I was never welcomed like that! They patted him on the back all at once. Green hands patted him. Green-yellow hands patted him. Brown-green hands patted him. Red-green hands patted him. All sorts of goblins patted him on the back.

“This is bad, this is really bad!” I said.

I felt Stub-toes’ head tilt up when he said, “What is it, my king?”

“They’re beating my brave little goblin right on the spine. Whack! Whack! Whack! They’re baring their teeth at him! They’ve got him cornered right at the taffrail. And he’s barely set boots on board!”

Through my monoscope, I saw the goblins fall silent as Shifty-looks began mouthing to them. He pointed at my fleet. They laughed altogether, and Shifty-looks held his chuckle-bouncing belly. He seemed at ease around them. Whatever he said next had those goblins reeling with guffaws. Half of them doubled backwards; the other half doubled over.

“They’re laughing at him! Making fun of him! Of us! Why that just makes me furious!”

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

“The cowards!” said Stub-toes. “He’s all alone!”

Barnacle-eyes came through the throng, and I kept the circle of my lens around her as she moved. She offered two items to Shifty-looks. One was a bottle of beer. I squinted hard until I discovered that the other item was a huge knob of deliciously creamy blue cheese. I gasped.

Stub-toes trembled beneath my weight. “What, my king? What-what?”

“Moldy cheese! They’re poisoning my little hero!”

Stub-toes wailed like he was being crushed by a boulder. “Gods, no! Please, you have to do something, my king!”

Shifty-looks sank his teeth on an edge of the chunk of blue cheese. His eyes rolled to the back of his head. His hand went to his heart. Goblins caught him as he nearly buckled.

“ It might be too late, the poison’s taking effect!”

Wobbling on his feet, Shifty-looks shed a single tear. He chomped down on the knob of cheese and gulped. I watched his neck take down the shape of that bite of cheese. He smiled, clapped, and gave Barnacle-eyes two thumbs up.

“He’s crying. The pain must be overwhelming!”

Filtch spoke as if he was squished. “Poisoning…a guest goblin…is a very unwelcome…thing to do.”

By the shroud of the main mast, they had Shifty-looks sit on a barrel. Goblins amassed around him. His wretched boots were removed, and two goblins each threaded a needle before passing the needle through the soles.

“What…” I muttered.

“My king, what now?” said Stub-toes.

“I have never seen such brutality in all my life! They’ve stripped him of his boots! They’re stabbing them with a needle, over and over and over. By Peg-tooth, how vicious!”

“Wh-why would they do that?” Filtch said, staggering.

“Because Barnacle-eyes must hate goblins! That’s why!”

Shifty-looks began gesticulating. Goblins looked as if they were listening intensely. With great theater, Shifty-looks went on and on and on…

“Wave the green flag! Wave the green flag! They’re making him talk! Poor Shifty-looks can’t bear to see them torture his boots! He’s gonna spill all our secrets!”

Goblins halted their bailing. Their buckets thunked on the deck and on little bare feet whose wonders yelped. Ten goblins to a flagpole furiously waved my green flags. When we finally caught Shifty-look’s attention, he turned, smiled real big, and gave us a huge thumbs up.

“All of you,” I said. “Fetch Shifty-looks! Quickly, before they suck the souls out of him and his boots!”

Goblins piled into row boats. They panic-paddled over to the giant ship and shouted for Shifty-looks. The goblin seemed sad and reluctant to leave. He did so with his head hung.

Stub-toes shifted. He adjusted his grip on my legs. “Is he safe?”

“So far,” I said.

I kept my sight on the row boat. Shifty-looks was miming bites of cheese. He rubbed his belly, and he rolled his head back. He mimed drinking beer and wiping loads of foam from his lips. He pointed at the Hand-O’War as he jumped up and down.

What was he saying? What was he telling my rapt goblins? I hoped it wasn’t good. If I, the king, was jealous of the size of Barnacle-eyes’ ship, the cheese which looked delicious, and the all-you-can-naps that I’ve heard about—not to mention the giant onions and garlics—my lesser goblins would most definitely be jealous too. And if all those things were true, and Shifty-looks told my goblins about his experience aboard…

Suddenly, Shifty-looks bolted for the stern of the row boat. He lunged overboard, but my goblins tackled him over a thwart. He reached out and struggled as if his life depended on it. My goblins dutifully held him down.

But as they rowed near, I began to faintly hear them.

“No!” cried Shifty-looks I can’t go back! Let me go! I’ll swim if I have to! I won’t go back! I won’t!”

“Why, that puny…” I said through gritted teeth.

Shifty-looks finally resigned himself. He curled up in a ball at the stern. All the goblins turned to me and glared. Their glares were absolutely menacing!

“Oh, no,’ I whispered. “Oh, no, no, no.”

“What is it, my king?”

I stepped down from Stub-toes shoulders, and I stepped down from Filtch’s shoulders. I rushed to the deckhouse. Stub-toes’ tripping gait sounded behind me. I bolted in and slammed the door shut. The door wouldn’t shut all the way, so I pushed with all my might.

“Gloom-glower,” cried Stub-toes. “You're squishing me.”

“What are you doing, Stub-toes! Get in!”

“I can’t, my king! You’re crushing me! Open the door!”

He finally squeezed through, and I was able to force the door shut.

“This is bad, Stub-toes,” I said when I was sure the deckhouse was empty of any other goblin. “That…number…has gone up to Fifty-eight percent!”

“Slime-tooth’s at it again, isn’t he, my king?”

“Of course! But I gotta do something. This could be the end of the world. The end of all goblinkind.”

“Not mutiny, my king. Not like Gone-hand!”

I whacked Stub-toes right on the ear with my monoscope. Then I got right up in his face. “Say that word to me again, and it’ll be your last.”

“Forgive me, your majesty.”

While I caught my breath, I thought. I thought really hard. Then I snapped my fingers. “I have another brilliant idea! It’s time to reset the mood around here. I’m gonna dress those greedy Captains up real nice; toss everything I’ve got at them. And you’re gonna help me sweeten them up.”