Chapter 149

Mixed Greens

“Unbelievable! Sixty-five percent! Stub-toes, you better pray this works.”

Stub-toes dropped. “Hear me almighty Peg-tooth, oh please—”

“Stop your wailing and get the door! Now!”

“Yes, my king.”

The door creaked on its sea salted hinges. “Meat-fist! My favorite goblin!”

“F-favorite?” said Meat-fist. “Did you say favorite?”

“Welcome in, welcome in.”

“I’m not in trouble?”

“How about you sit in my seat for a change? Come on over and give those cheeks the rest they deserve.”

“Oh gods, I’m being demoted, aren’t I? I knew it. I knew it!”

“Nonsense! Why would I demote my favorite goblin? Quite the opposite, in fact.”

“A promotion?”

“Let’s take things nice and slow. Feeling relaxed in that cushy chair of mine?”

“I think so?”

“What about those hard working trotters? Are they comfortable?”

“I-I think so?”

“Stub-toes, fetch a pillow. I want my favorite goblin to be as comfortable as possible. Yes, put them up just like that. How is it?”

Meat-fist melted into his seat. “Oh yeah, that’s nice.”

I snapped my fingers at Stub-toes. “Pour him a beer.”

“Yes, my king.”

“Am I really being promoted?” said Meat-fist.

“Have a sip,” I cooed.

“Extra grounds! Now that’s good. Oh, oops!”

“Stub-toes, pat off that dribble! Make it spotless!”

“Yes, my king.”

“First I want to hear all about my favorite goblin. How are things on your ship, Meat-fist? Be honest with me. Are things good? Are things bad? Tell me the whole truth, and then we’ll get to the good part.”

“Things are not good,” said Meat-fist. “Not good at all. Ever since that stupid Barnacle-eyes returned!”

“Shh, shh… it’s okay. I’m here Meat-fist. I’m here. Stub-toes, get over here and rub his shoulders. I think Meat-fist is a little tense.”

“Yes, my king,” said Stub-toes. “Like this?”

“Is that nice, Meat-fist? Does that feel good?”

Meat-fist’s eyes fluttered. “Oh, that feels so good.”

“Keep it up, Stub-toes! All right now, why don’t you tell me why things have been bad since Barnacle-eyes showed up.”

Meat-fist continued. “My snots are mad at me—oh, yeah, right there—they wish they could be recruited by the Admiral. Fresh opportunity, they say. And they resent me for it, and they resent you for it, too.”

“Here, take another sip. Don’t you dare stop, Stub-toes! Massage around those impressive ears of his. You’re doing wonderful, Meat-fist. Tell me more.”

“How come she's always recruiting goblins? It’s like she’s got an endless supply of snots. And why do they like her so much? How come my goblins don’t like me like that?”

“Recruiting? You mean poaching. She tried to poach Shifty-looks. I saw it with my own eyes. So did Stub-toes.”

Stub-toes came alive. “I did! I did see—”

“Shut it, Stub-toes. Keep those hands moving! As I was saying, she tried to poach one of our goblins.”

“I hate Barnacle-eyes!” said Meat-fist. “Stupid, stupid, Barnacle-eyes!”

“Only the lowest of goblins poaches goblins.”

“What should I do, Gloom-glower? Why do her goblins like her so much?”

“You need to make sure your goblins understand that she’s not recruiting goblins. She’s poaching them! Do you know what poaching means?”

“She’s taking them from us!”

“Do you know what else poaching means?”

“No. What?”

“It means she’s boiling them up. Does that sound like recruiting goblins to you?”

“How terrible!” said Meat-fist.

“And that’s exactly why you're my favorite goblin, Meat-fist. You have sensibility. And you know what sensibility earns you? Especially when you keep your snots in line, and explain to them how Barnacle-eyes is poaching goblins alive?”

“A p-promotion?”

“Oh, yes, my favorite one. Wipe his tears, Stub-toes!”

“Yes, my king,” said Stub-toes.

“I’ve been wanting another promotion for years!” said Meat-fist.

I needed Meat-fist as relaxed as I could make him.“For Peg-tooth’s sake, Stub-toes, keep massaging!”

“Y-yes, my king.”

“Meat-fist, if you keep your snots in line, I will reward you with the biggest promotion of them all. That’s right, it’s the basic promotion package!”

“Package?” said Meat-fist. “What’s in it?”

“Quit gawking, Stub-toes! Massage, massage, massage!”

“Apologies…my king.”

“It’s the best package of them all,” I said. “Not only will you receive a Fable stone, you will also be promoted to Commodore! How does that sound?”

“Like a dream!” said Meat-fist.

“Do you understand what you have to do to make that dream come true?”

“Keep my snots in line!”

“And tell them…”

“And tell them that Barnacle-eyes is poaching goblins alive.”

∞

“Canker-wort! My favorite goblin! Come in, come in! I heard someone’s stomach gurgle, and I thought it was Tub-blubber at the door! Enter, enter!”

“Your majesty, whatever I did to displease you, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”

“Nothing of the sort, Canker-wort! Why don’t you take a load off in my chair? We’re going to have a delightful chat, you and I.”

“And Stub-toes, too?”

“Don’t worry about him. Stub-toes, pour my favorite goblin here a tall pint of beer and grounds!”

“Right away, my king,” said Stub-toes.

“How is my favorite goblin?” I said. “You seem a bit angry these days. And how are the snots on your ship doing? This is your chance to open up and get closer to me. If you do a good job, we’ll talk promotion.”

“P-promotion?” said Canker-wort. “Again? Already?”

“That’s right. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for my one and only favorite goblin. But you gotta be truthful. Don’t forget that I can see right through you. Right into your soul… So, how are things on your sloop?”

“Uh, now that you mention it, I am angry! My goblins are angry, too. We’re starving! We don’t get enough food to eat, and we aren’t allowed to sail out to deeper waters for better fishing!”

“Oh, I’m angry too! But it’s the will of the gods. They told me we should stay put for a while. If only it were up to me!”

“It’s…not up to you?”

“It’s the way of things. I do my best to protect my snots. Especially my prized snots. And most especially, my favorite snot. That’s you, Canker-wort.”

“Am I doing a good job so far?”

“Are you being truthful and telling me everything?”

“Well, not everything.”

“Stub-toes, get a start on that soothing massage. Really smooth over those bumps.”

Stub-toes bottom lip quivered. “My hands are cramped, my king.”

“I don’t care! Lie down, Canker-wort. That’s it. Lie down and relax. Stub-toes offers the best massages. Get those digits on the job, Stub-toes!”

“Yes, my king.”

I gave Canker-wort my attention. “Isn’t that nice?”

“Oh,” said Canker-wort. “Your majesty…this is…so good.”

“Wonderful. Just wonderful. Now how about you tell me everything. And I mean everything.”

“Well…well…oh gods…it’s too hard to think…this feels so good!”

“Just relax and tell me whatever crosses your mind. Keep going, Stub-toes!”

“You see…the thing is…ever since Barnacle-eyes anchored next to us…my goblins have been really bitter.”

“Tell me more.”

“They’re jealous, king Gloom-glower. Her goblins have more food than they can eat. And we’re over here starving.”

“I’m very proud of you, Canker-wort.”

“You are?”

“Only a goblin with sensibility can understand what it means to starve when their neighbors seem to have it made. But things aren’t as they seem!”

“Does that mean her goblins are hungry too?”

“I just learned that she’s poaching goblins alive in boiling water! And that’s not all. She’s serving up those goblins to her crew. That’s why it seems like they’ve got more food than they can eat.”

“That’s horrible! How can her goblins stomach eating other goblins!”

“Now, now, lie back down, Canker-wort. Look how that evil Barnacle-eyes has stressed you out. Massage his nose, Stub-toes! Inside and out.”

“M-my hands are cramping really bad, my king,” said Stub-toes, but I glared at him until he obeyed.

“There we go,” I said. “Nice and relaxed again, Canker-wort. Now you know why she’s recruiting goblins all the time. So that she never runs out of goblins to poach and feed to her goblins.”

“What are we gonna do?” said Canker-wort.

“Not to worry, I’m an expert at dealing with poachers. Why just this morning I saved Shifty-looks from being double poached! But a king needs his goblin’s strength to give him strength. And not just any goblin, but his most favorite goblin. You see, this is where you come in. Tell your snots that things aren’t as they seem on Barnacle-eyes’ fleet. Explain to them that once she gets her claws on those poor, defenseless goblins, she poaches them in boiling water and serves them up to her crew! She brutally murders goblins in order to feed her starving snots! She’s making goblins eat goblins! Do you realize how important you are, Canker-wort? Our future depends on you!”

“It-it does?”

“And if you do a good job, and spread these truths to all goblin ears, I will bestow you with the elegant promotion package!”

“Oh, my king!” said Canker-wort.

“You’ll receive a prized Fable stone, you’ll be promoted to Admiral, and you’ll receive one of Barnacle-eyes’ floating ships!”

“I’m not worthy!”

“Let me wipe up these brave tears. Stub-toes, wipe his tears!”

“My fingers can’t move anymore, your majesty,” said Stub-toes—always complaining.

“Then use your mouth, Stub-toes! Get that cloth between your teeth! So what do you say, Canker-wort? Can you fulfill this quest? Do you want the elegant promotion package?”

“With all my heart!” said Canker-wort. “I’ll do my best!”

The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

“Good! Good, good, good! I knew I could trust my favorite goblin!”

∞

“Well if it isn’t my favorite goblin! Come on in, Needle-nose.”

“Did I do something wrong, again?” said Needle-nose.

“Do something wrong? Ha! I’m not talking to Slime-tooth right now. I’m talking to my favorite goblin, and my favorite goblin can only do right by his king. But enough with the jokes, Needle-nose. Come sit, come sit. Why don’t you take my chair this time? It’s reserved for just the kind of do-gooder that you are!”

“What’s going on?”

“I’m here to discuss your promotion!”

“Me?”

“Didn’t I say you were my favorite goblin?”

“Uh, yes?”

“Well who else would I promote before my absolute, favorite most goblin. Stub-toes, pour him a beer and grounds.”

“Yes, my king,” said Stub-toes.

“But before we talk about a promotion,” I said, “I’d like to hear all about Needle-nose. How are you? How are the snots on your ship doing? Is everyone happy?”

“Yes, Gloom-glower,” said Needle-nose. “We’re all happy with such an amazing king as our king.”

This was going to take some finesse. “I see. Take off your boots.”

“What? Why?”

“Go on, take them off.”

“Am I being demoted?”

“Of course not! I just want to make sure you’re comfortable! I’ve invited you in to discuss promotions, not demotions! That’s right, just set those boots aside for now. Stub-toes, get on your knees and massage his toes!”

“I don’t think I can, my king,” said Stub-toes. “My fingers are so cramped.”

“Would you prefer broken fingers or cramped fingers?” I said. “Start with his right foot.”

“This is too much, Gloom-glower!” said Needle-nose.

“You don’t like it?”

“I do! I do! I just feel undeserving!”

“That’s because you don’t know how very, very deserving a do-gooder such as yourself is. I want to ask you something again, Needle-nose. And this time I want an honest answer from you.”

“How could I refuse! Oh yeah, right around the big toe. Yes, right there!”

“Tell me again. Are the goblins on your ship happy?”

“Yes, king Gloom-glower.”

“You’re safe with me, Needle-nose. You can tell me anything. Cross my spleen, I promise I won’t get mad. So tell me, are those snots really happy?”

“Oh, my king! They’re overworked. We’re all overworked! All we do is overwork ourselves while other goblins…”

“You’re doing good as a do-gooder always does, Needle-nose. Let it out. Let it all out.”

“Why do we have to work so hard while other goblins hardly work at all!”

“Who's hardly working on my fleet?”

“Barnacle-eyes’ goblins! They’re hardly working, and it’s not fair that we have to watch them take naps. Not once have they been bailing water. My goblins can’t bear it anymore!”

“Very, very good, Needle-nose. You’re being honest with me. And you have a good point, too. But there’s more to it than you think.”

“They’re allowed to slack off? Is that it?”

“If only that were the case,” I said. “You see, Barnacle-eyes has been poaching goblins from us. And then she poaches them alive in boiling water so she can feed them to her goblins!”

“By the gods, that’s what I heard!”

“So soon? That’s wonderful news! But that still doesn’t explain why her goblins aren't working as hard as ours, right? So ask me. Ask me why they aren’t working hard.”

“Why aren’t they—”

“Because they can’t! You see, before she can poach them, she poisons them! She feeds them moldy cheese so that they can’t work. They start to get slow and dizzy. They can’t work, and they can’t run. That’s how she catches them. And that’s when she poaches them, when they’ve been incapacitated by the poison!”

“But, my king, how could Barnacle-eyes ever be that cruel? Sure she used to talk too much, and she was really annoying a lot of the time, but—”

“Calm down, calm down. She’s not the goblin you remember, Needle-nose. But everything will be okay, because I’m here to fix things. Now sit back. You’re getting all worked up. Must be because that pinky toe keeps getting left out of the party, isn’t that right, Stub-toes?”

Stub-toes whined pitifully. “I can’t anymore, my king. I can’t!”

“Stub-toes is going to do a good job so that you can keep doing an even better job, Needle-nose. He’s going to make you come to your senses and realize that Barnacle-eyes is an evil murderer.”

“Can you really protect us, your majesty?” said Needle-nose. “I heard she tried to poach Shifty-looks.”

“She’s trying to poach everyone! And of course, I’ll protect you. That’s what goblin kings do. They protect the goblins under their command. And I’m going to help you protect the snots on your ship.”

“I’m…having a hard time…concentrating…king Gloom-glower.”

“Yes, Stub-does is good at what he does. So, here’s what you need to do. You need to tell your goblins that Barnacle-eyes’ goblins want to work hard. They think they can work harder than us! But they can’t because they’re being poisoned before she poaches them for dinner! It’s too hard to work when you're poisoned! Will you do that, my absolute favorite most goblin? Will you be like your kind king, and protect the lesser goblins?”

“Yes!” said Needle-nose “I’ll give it all I’ve got!”

“The do-gooder is at it again! Ah, yes, I can read that sheen in your eyes. You want to get what you deserve, don’t you?”

“You’re so wise! So all-knowing!”

“I know. Now here’s the deal. You’re going to protect your snots by telling them exactly what’s happening on Barnacle-eyes’ fleet, and then I’m going to reward you. Picture this, Needle-nose. You’ll receive the exquisite silver promotion package. You’ll be king of my fleet. You’ll earn a Fable stone, infinite beer and food, and my very own ship!”

“Wow! But then what happens to you if I become king?”

“Well then…uh…then…oh yeah, I know! It’ll be good timing, Needle-nose, because I’ll be ascending. I’m going to become a god!”

∞

“Quit blowing on your hands, and get the door, Stub-toes!”

“Right away, my king.” Stub-toes stumbled over to the door and pulled the knob.

“Ah, Wiggle-chin!” I said. “What a blessing from the gods. I get to see my favorite goblin twice in one day. Come have a seat, right here.”

“But Gloom-glower, that’s where you sit!” said Wiggle-chin.

“It’s my favorite seat, but today, I want you to sit there.”

“This must mean I’m getting promoted! I kept telling all my snots that it was only a matter of time.”

“That’s exactly why I’ve called you here, Wiggle-chin. To talk about your promotion.”

“I saw this coming. Saw it coming for months!”

“But first, let’s talk about what’s most important. That’s your wellbeing, and the wellbeing of all the snots under my…I mean your mighty command. How is everything?”

“Well it’s about time you asked. We really want to go out to sea again. We’ve been here for years! My snots are restless. Why can’t we go out and raid and fish and sail. What’s the use of a sloop if it’s sitting in one place?”

“You were always so outspoken, Wiggle-chin. That’s what I love about you. You’ll say just about anything you’re thinking. By the gods, I would never want to strangle you to death. Nope, never. Not in a thousand years would that cross my mind. Matter a fact, I love it when you talk back to your king!”

“I’m very good at it. Makes sense that you think highly of me. I am your favorite goblin, after all.”

“Just a moment,” I said. “I’m thinking about that thing I never think about. Let me calm myself down a little bit before we continue. Stub-toes, give me a massage!”

“I’m ready for my promotion whenever you are!”

“Oh, Stub-toes,” I said. “That’s good…just keep going.”

“So are you ready yet, Gloom-glower? I’ve gotta be getting promoted to at least Commodore, right?”

“The promotion I have for you is a very special one. Comes in a big, shiny box. It’s called the luxury gold promotion package.”

“Sounds like something that’s meant for the greatest goblin on this fleet. But don’t worry, Gloom-glower, you’ll be able to catch up to me someday. That’s if you try hard. Way, way, way harder than you are now. So what’s in my box?”

“Oh-ho-ho, Stub-toes, you’re gonna have to dig deep. I’m almost at my limits with this one. Use those elbows!”

“Yes, my king!” said Stub-toes.

“Listen up, Wiggle-chin. It’s about time I took a well deserved rest and let my favorite goblin take the helm. With this package, you’ll receive a premium Fable stone, infinite beer and food, both mine and Barnacle-eyes’ fleets, and immortality.”

“Immortality? The one where you live forever?”

“That’s the one, yes,” I said, and I showed him my teeth. “It’s the biggest promotion I’ll ever give to any goblin. The chances of becoming a god would be high.”

“I feel like a god already! All right, I’ll take it. Hand it over.”

“Not so fast. We need to chat some more. What’s with all this stuff about your snots being restless? Where’s that all coming from?”

“We heard that Barnacle-eyes has been sailing around the world to different ports and different seas,” he said. “Her goblins have been fishing legendary waters and meeting monsters and all kinds of goblins. My snots were really jealous because we never sail out anymore. We do the same thing, every day, over and over and over and over again. What’s the point of being on a ship if we can’t even sail past the shore!”

“My favorite goblin deserves to know the truth, so I’ll give it to you. Barnacle-eyes made up all of those stories. They’re a cover up for what’s really going on below deck. Did you know that she takes goblins against their will? Then she poisons them with mold to make them sick and slow! And then she brings them below deck to boil alive! Her fleet gets three square meals of dead goblins every day! Every day, Wiggle-chin! But that’s not the worst of it.”

“So the rumors are true! Gimme my promotion! I don’t wanna get poached, I don’t wanna get poached!”

“Hold on a moment, I said that’s not the worst of it! Her goblins aren’t experiencing new and wonderful things around the world! They’re being tortured below deck so they won’t tell anyone that she’s lying. Barnacle-eyes uses her rusty-crusty pliers on all her victims!”

“She tortures goblins?” said Wiggle-chin.

“I’ve got the scar to prove it. Stub-toes, remove my shirt.”

“Yes, my king!” said Stub-toes as he shook his hands out.

“Right in the middle of my back,” I said. “See?”

“What a horrible scar!” said Wiggle-chin. “Barnacle-eyes really did that?”

“With those same pliers. Nearly ripped my soul out!”

“It’s true!” said Stub-toes. “I was there!”

“Did I say you could stop massaging me, Stub-toes? Get those elbows back to work. Lower. I said lower! Right there…right there. Oh yeah, that’s the spot.”

“You survived torture, Gloom-glower!” said Wiggle-chin. “When I get promoted, I’ll make sure you’re allowed to take extra naps for your service! Now gimme my promotion!”

“Not yet. I need something from you before I hand over the goods.”

“Fine. I’ll do whatever it takes as long as I can get my hands on that package!’

“Tell your snots what I told you. You need to warn them about what happens below deck on Barnacle-eyes’ ship. Warn every goblin you can! If all your goblins get poached, what’s it gonna matter if you get promoted? You’ll have no one to serve you.”

“No, no, no! That can’t happen! I’ll tell every goblin on every ship what you told me! Then can I have my promotion?”

“Oh, yes. It’s got your name written all over it. Now scram, I need some peace and quiet while Stub-toes works these knots out.”

∞

“Why if it isn’t the charming Captain himself. How are things, Fly-booger?”

Fly-booger side-eyed me. “Other goblins received lots of jellyfish, but my ship seems to have been passed over. Any idea where my gift went?”

“Those rumors again. Barnacle-eyes has always been a greedy little snot. Do you really think she’d want to share with us?”

“I heard promotions will be trickling down soon. Will I be passed over by you, too?”

“How could I deny my favorite goblin his just due? I’m not like that liar, Banaracle-eyes. I’ve got an extra special promotion just for you.”

“Do I finally get a Fable stone?”

“Much more than a Fable stone, but we’ll get to that in a bit. How are the snots aboard your ship?”

“They’re doing great. And they all love their king.”

“Come now, Fly-booger. You don’t need to use your charm on me. We’re friends, after all. What’s really going on?”

“All my snots are happy as can be. They speak highly of you. So highly.”

Of course Fly-booger just had to be the most difficult about this! “Let’s try this a different way. Let’s trade seats.”

“Trade seats?”

“That’s right. My ultimate, most favoritest goblin deserves the best.”

“I-I do?”

“How does my chair feel? Are you comfortable?”

“It feels…right. I’ve been wanting to sit here for such a long time!”

“You know, I make all my important decisions in that chair. And I’ve got another big one to make. So before we talk about your promotion, I need proof that you can handle the pressure that comes along with it. Suspend your belief for a moment, Fly-booger. Show me how you would think sitting in that chair!”

“Okay. What do I do?”

“Let’s say you were promoted to king—”

“—king?” said Fly-booger.

“King. What would your first edict be? Think carefully. Goblin lives depend on you now.”

“This is a trick, isn’t it?” Fly-booger again side-eyed me.

“A trick? I’d never do such a thing to my ultimate favoritest goblin.”

“You’re not sending me north again, are you?”

“Fly-booger, I need to know I can trust you with this promotion—”

“What promotion?”

“It’s a brilliant diamond promotion package. I’ll be becoming a god soon. I’m sure you’ve heard.”

“Can’t say that I have, no.”

“What? Why not? Nevermind, just know that your king is ascending to godhood soon, and I get to make a very big, very important decision.”

“How do I know you’re not lying?”

“I’ve gone to great lengths to interview other candidates to take over my fleet as king. It’s been a long and lonely plight. I was hoping that someone with your destiny could shed some light on who should wear the burden of my crown.”

“What about me?” said Fly-booger. “Why can’t I be king?”

“You seem tense. Stub-toes, massage!”

Stub-toes, with a silent running tear, obeyed.

“Oh, Stub-toes,” said Fly-booger. “You’re a master at this. Wow, that hits the spot.”

“I’ve conferred with the gods, Fly-booger, and we’ve agreed that you are the chosen one,” I said.

“Does that mean I get to be king?”

“The title of king is beneath the chosen one. As I said, I have a very important decision to make. I get to choose a buddy god. I get to pick a goblin to become a god with.”

“I’ve always dreamed of being a god!”

“I need to know you’re serious about this, Fly-booger. I need you to answer my question. What would your first edict be?”

“Jellyfish! I would make sure all my snots had more jellyfish. There’s no more jellyfish around here anymore!”

“See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“Are you going to punish me now?”

“I promise this isn’t a trick,” I said.

“Really? Do you mean it?”

“I really mean it.”

“Because Barnacle-eyes’ goblins have all the jellyfish they could want. And it’s no ordinary jellyfish. It’s the legendary lime smack! It’s not fair. I think that’s why they’re so loyal to her! There’s been rumblings and grumblings among my snots, and I think it’s because there’s no jellyfish to eat.”

And there it was. Finally. “Oh, this is serious,” I said. “Rumblings and grumblings are not good.”

“You’re telling me! Remember what happened with Gone-hand?”

“Shh! Never speak of what happened! We don’t want that here, understand? Keep going, Stub-toes. Get his feet, too!”

“Yeah! My feet!”

“Must I, my king?” said Stub-toes with big rabbit eyes. “His feets smell the worst out of all of them.”

“You must,” I said down to him. “Back on your knees, Stub-toes!”

Fly-booger squirmed in pleasure. “Oh, my toes! My toes!”

“You said that Barnacle-eyes’ goblins are loyal to her?” I said.

“I’m so jealous. I hate her!”

“And you’ve heard about the poaching and the boiling and the poisoning and the goblins eating goblins?”

“They must be so loyal!”

“If only it were loyalty, my sweet, naive chosen one.”

“What else could it be?” said Fly-booger.

“Brainwashing! Remember the Thrush monster? They’ve still got him. Why do you think they’re poaching all those goblins? Her fleet can only eat so much with how much poaching Barnacle-eyes is doing. Who do you think eats all the leftovers?”

“The Thrush monster! I’ve seen him eat dozens of goblins!”

“And he’s a Merchant! He manipulates people, especially goblins, because he thinks we’re weak.”

“What? I’m not weak!”

“He brainwashes goblins with his Merchant skills! I have proof.”

“Proof?” said Fly-booger. “Wait, do you mean me? Am I brainwashed? Is that why I’m telling you way more than I should?”

“Not you. You’re the chosen one. He brainwashed another one of our very own goblins.”

“Who? I bet it was Shifty-Looks. He hasn’t been the same since he came back.”

“Shifty-looks! Probably, but there’s someone else. Someone who’s always to blame.”

“Slime-tooth? He’s always meeting with Thrush to sell ptooey!”

“Exactly!” I said. “And look how well he’s doing because of it!”

“Uh, he’s not doing well at all, king Gloom-glower. Not at all.”

“He’s brainwashed. And if you want the brilliant diamond promotion package, you need to tell everyone on my fleet that Barnacle-eyes has teamed up with the Thrush monster to brainwash goblins. That’s why they’re walking right into her trap, right into the poaching cauldron. Slime-tooth is proof of that! Will you tell them that, my chosen one?”

“I promise I’ll earn that promotion!”

“Don’t screw this up for yourself, Fly-Booger. Just remember, only one snot on my fleet will ascend and become a god.”

∞

“Is it over my King?” sniffled Stub-toes in the quiet of the deckhouse. “I can’t feel my hands.”

“This is all your fault!” I said. “It’s only gone down to fifty percent!”

“Please forgive me, your majesty.”

“Despite your severe inadequacy today, my efforts will pay off as word spreads. Just you wait and see, Stub-toes. News of those atrocities will trickle down both fleets, and once it does, the needle’s gonna keep on dropping. Maybe low enough that we can sail out. Then we can finally replace all the worthless snots that died this winter!”

“But…did Barnacle-eyes really do all those terrible things?”

“How should I know, you idiot? And who cares? What matters is that my snots see her as the enemy she is. They need to believe that things are better here. Yes. Beware, little goblins. Beware of Barnacle-eyes, the monster in league with the scariest monster alive. The she-devil who brainwashes goblins; who tortures goblins; who catches goblins and poisons them; who poaches them alive in boiling water; who feeds dead goblins to her starving crew. Beware…”